If 250,000 people say it’s true, well then it must be bullshit

Written by Devra on May 8th, 2012

Oh fabulous! Two more studies barking out who must be happier based upon parenthood.  And wow! The two studies are based upon “worldwide”  samples of 130,000 and 120,000 people.  I’ll be the first to admit I suck at math, I mean not just bad, I mean royally suck. Like getting a 250- on- the- Math- portion- of- the -SAT- the- first- time-I- took- the- stupid- standardized- test-that- meant- really- nothing-except- to- Brandeis- and- NYU-who- both- rejected- me- kind of suck.  Despite this mathematical disability, even I can put the numbers together and determine there are billions of people in the world and two studies with a combined research sample of 250,000 should not be held up to bash people over the head!

Someone has to raise the bullshit flag, and it’s gonna be me.

First of all, before anyone accuses me of not appreciating academia, I am the progeny of not one, but TWO former Ivy League Sociology professors.  So I think I do know a little bit about that world otherwise known as Publish Or Perish.  In addition to my Violet Wiffenpoof geniology, I have a couple of degrees myself (one of which from the University of Arizona, so I can admit to the potential of a bias when it comes to anything published by ASU.)

Second of all, the first of all doesn’t even matter because bullshit is bullshit.

Sharon Jayson’s USA Today Article shares:

Chris Herbst, an assistant professor of public affairs at the school’s downtown Phoenix campus, says his research identifies “serious problems with previous work that ought to make people skeptical about the earlier conclusions.”

Um. Okay. That makes sense. Everybody gonna get right on that skepticism train traveling back to earlier conclusions? All aboard for more bullshit…

The USA Today article also offers up this quote from  the other study:

“The first child increases happiness quite a lot. The second child a little. The third not at all,” says Myrskylä.

Dude. You should have stopped at the first one. Now you have three children? What the hell are you gonna do now? Your happiness is in serious jeopardy and you have to do something. Right?  I suppose if we are to pay attention to the first study, potentially unhappy families with three children should offer their two extra children to their unhappy childless friends. Winner! Winner! Family Dinner!

All I can say is before you leap to believe the latest rounds of press released studies from our institutions of higher learning, look first. Channel a little Janet Jackson and ask “What has this study done for me lately?” if you think it applies to you, then by all means take it seriously.  Just know that there is going to be, in all likelihood, another study that will come along and rebut the first one.  Because just as sand goes through the hour glass, so goes the days of whether someone is going get tenure in their department based upon whether they’ve been recently published.  Academic research is interesting, I don’t deny that for a minute.  However, let’s keep in mind that just because a study concludes, “It is so.” Doesn’t mean another study won’t come along and claim, “It ain’t so.”

Studies that proclaim one group of people to be “happier” than another are entirely subjective.  I haven’t come across a universal definition of happiness which is accepted globally, across all cultures, across all socioeconomic classes.  Have you?  Make sure you check out the definition of terms in a study, they all have em.  Let’s say  you don’t agree with the definition being used for “Happiness” then the study may not be valid for you. Thus  you may be more or less happy than the research concludes. Happy?

Bottom line is this, does it really matter “Who is happier” if that person isn’t you?  I suspect there are all sorts of happy people in the world.  And I further suspect the happiness these people experience has nothing to do with whether or not they have children. I know! Sounds crazy!  And maybe it is crazy because we know that 250,000 people have been studied across the globe (You know, out of billions of people on the planet) so those 250,000 must be telling us the truth about happiness. Right?

That is such crazy bullshit. And calling it bullshit makes me happy.

 

Well, Hello There. And…Listen To Your Mother DC!

Written by Devra on May 2nd, 2012

We took a bit of an unplanned hiatus. So shall we have some “catch up?” Here is what is going on in the world of Parentopia.  I took a full time position as a School Social Worker in Northern Virginia. Aviva has a part time gig as an Intervention Specialist with a school system in Denver Colorado.  Our offline lives have been going at a crazy pace. I’m going to start with what is going on this weekend, and in another post I’ll hit on what has been happening prior to that. Which is a lot. But first things first.

This weekend is going to be bananas! On Sunday afternoon I will be one of fourteen local writers participating in a live onstage reading in celebration of Mother’s Day called “Listen To Your Mother.” The DC show is part of  national initiative to spotlight women all across this country who write online.  It is the brainchild of Ann Imig and I feel so humbled to have made the cut. Forty amazing writers auditioned for 14 spots on the DC cast. We have some incredible writers in this area of the country and selecting the pieces was no easy feat. In fact DC’s Director, Stephanie Stearns Dulli wrote about the process and how challenging it had been for her. Kate Coveny Hood has worked tirelessly as our Producer and we had an incredible run-through a couple of weeks ago which Kate wrote about too.

So if you are in the DC area, I hope you will join me this weekend as we celebrate mothering; However you do it or however it’s been done to you. As for what I’ll be reading for the show? The picture is your hint.

 

Guilt No More

Written by Aviva on November 30th, 2011

Kudos to Redbook for declaring November 30, 2011 as No-Judgment Day!

Ever since our book was published in 2005, we have had the pleasure of hearing sighs of relief from people all over the world when we remind them none of us became parents to be tormented and miserable our entire lives. Parenting is a learning process and, thank goodness, our children are very forgiving of our goofs along the way. Now, it is time once again to follow the lead of the children and say, “It’s OK. We’re doing the very best we can and we’d love to all support each other.”

It’s great to see stories like the one from Charlotte Hilton Andersen of moms helping each other out instead of criticizing or competing. What have you done to support a parent in the past and what can you do today, and everyday, to keep the love paying forward?

As Devra likes to say, “The grass is always greener on the other side so let’s take down the fence and practice beautiful lawn maintenance for everyone!”

 

“Politics, politics, politics…”

Written by Aviva on November 10th, 2011

U.S. Capitol

As many of you know, Mel Brooks’ History of the World Part I is one of my all time favorite movies. I especially love the character Comicus. You know, the “stand-up philosopher” who defines his work this way, “I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.” To which the clerk responds, “Oh, a *bullshit* artist!”  I often recall this scene with a laugh whenever I find myself in a political arena. I am not a political person, at least, I didn’t think I was. Recently, however, my involvement with public education and National Council of Jewish Women has landed me at many political gatherings.

Yesterday morning I attended the CCCLN Legislative Breakfast (All those capital letters make it look important, right?). To sum it up, 9 Senators and Representatives had breakfast with people in our school district and answered questions from the attendees. With the recent failure of Prop 103, the questions were, not surprisingly, all focused around funding for education. While some of the officials practiced their art of stand up philosophy, a few gave actual examples of what they were doing or trying to do in their role as a representative for the people.

I am not going to talk Democrat vs Republican or list who is doing what because, just like we should all be able to watch what we think is best for our family on TV, I also believe we should all be entitled to fight for what we feel is in our families’ best interests as far as politics is concerned. What I will say is simply this – get informed!

I think a big reason I avoided politics was because I was afraid it would all be too hard for me to understand. All the HB-this and Proposition-that seemed daunting. Over these past 2 months of simply attending political events as an observer, I have learned a lot, and it really wasn’t even that scary or mind scrambling. I still don’t like the politics of politics but I am getting a much better understanding of how and why things happen the way they do. Most importantly, I have learned that people like me really can have an impact on what happens. Just by showing up, I have become acquainted with Senators and Representatives who share my concerns and are willing to have actual conversations with me.

I can’t say for sure yet how any of this is going to turn out but I am encouraged by my new adventures and I encourage more people to take the plunge and get involved. All the little steps are bound to travel somewhere!

 

Sex and Education

Written by Aviva on November 10th, 2011

S is for Sex

I watch Glee. Yes, I am a big fan – even when the show gets a bit ridiculous. I love the music. I love the dancing. I love the way they don’t shy away from the controversial topics like alcohol, smoking, homosexuality, and sex. Do I think the show is appropriate for all teens to watch? I don’t live with all teens so I am happy to have each family make their own decisions about what is or isn’t appropriate viewing for them.

One of the things I like most about the show is the way it spurs conversation among my own family members. When the writers and producers risk it all to show teen alcohol struggles, teen pregnancy, bullying, and, yes, teen homosexual relationships, I take those scenarios as teachable moments to talk with my family. We have some great conversations where my kids take the lead on asking the questions AND voicing their opinions.

I realize there are organizations which take strong stands on limiting what kids should be exposed to on TV and I appreciate their intentions and their research into the shows. However, I prefer to use this information as a guide then watch the show and draw my own conclusions. Depending on what I’ve heard or read, I may decide to watch it with one of my kids or preview it on my own first. In either case, it is me, as the provider living in the household, deciding what is best for my family.

I regularly advocate for the health and education of my children and encourage others to do the same. What kids view on TV does influence them so it makes sense to advocate for what we believe in there as well. But please, let each of us decide what is best for our families without making those decisions for us.

 

Colorado and Proposition 103

Written by Aviva on November 4th, 2011

It's a tangled web...The grown ups have spoken and I don’t understand them us. How is it that one of the highest educated work forces in the nation is not in support of giving a few cents on the dollar to educate the future work force in our state? I have spent quite a bit of time reviewing the report Toward a More Competitive Colorado and I am disturbed, confused, and otherwise confuddled by it all.

The rankings bring up so many questions in my mind:

  1. How can we continually rank in the top 2 states with a population 25 years and older holding a bachelor’s degree or higher, yet rank between 25 and 35 for our high school graduation rate?
  2. How come our 4th graders rank in the top 10 for reading scores but our 8th graders rank between 20th and 24th?
  3. Could the above numbers be related to our average teacher salary running between 22nd and 27th in the nation?
  4. Or perhaps it’s because we rank in the 10th highest for student/teacher ratios?

As we often say in Judaism, ask 10 rabbis the same question and you’re bound to get at least 11 different answers. I am sure many different things play into these statistics and, quite frankly, all that matters to me is working to solve the problem of inadequate funding and poor results in our current education system.

Do your own research and see what you come up with. Then, see what you can do to help change things! Please, our kids are counting on all of us to just do the right thing.

 

Education Part 3: An idea or two from me, how about you?

Written by Aviva on October 21st, 2011

Perhaps all of you are just waiting to hear what I have to say first and then you’ll chime in. I sincerely hope you’ll offer additional suggestions and you’re not simply waiting to criticize mine. In any case, here are a few things I have thought about.

One glaring problem I see is this: we are the ones feeding the message that entertainment is vastly important when we continue to spend millions on sports and movie tickets, television access, and merchandising. I love this stuff as much as the next person but we have to begin to change the message. I suppose when kids ask for movie or TV themed school supplies we can give in under the auspices that this $5 won’t make a bit of difference or we can put our foot down, say NO to the purchase, and explain to our children that we cannot morally support an industry that bickers over millions while so many of us live paycheck to paycheck. If enough people choose to spend their money on books, culture and other forms of entertainment beyond the purely entertaining, perhaps a new message will be heard.

I am a huge supporter of the arts – performing and visual. I definitely shell out dollars for live theater tickets but I do it without hesitation. My parents took my brother and me to the theater, symphony and opera growing up. Sure, we complained sometimes but I remember more about history, Shakespeare, and even politics from what I learned on Thursday theater nights than I do from a lot of my formal education. I was thrilled when I read in the paper last week about schools using Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night” to teach about bullying behavior. What a great way to expose young children to classic literature and live theater while opening up dialogue about a current and very serious topic in our schools.

Next, what can each of us speak up about and try to change on a global scale? I, for one, would love to have the FBI quit spending their money protecting the movie industry and transfer those government funds to provide quality education materials to ALL schools. The movie industry can use its own money to fight its battles. I don’t know how to go about getting this change rolling or if it’s even possible – I’m fairly certain the movie industry will use its money and power to fight anyone who threatens this. It’s just something I would change if I could figure out a way to do it. I would also love to see schools having to spend less money on defending themselves from lawsuits – of course this is a topic that goes way beyond our schools. When did Americans become so lawsuit happy? When did the country become a place we have to protect ourselves from rather than live in? I would love to see a paradigm shift from living in fear to living in support of each other.

Perhaps shifting more money from prisons to schools, and specifically early childhood education, can help raise a broader generation of caring and better educated individuals. This is nothing new. We have study upon study showing us early childhood education is key to future development. We also have multiple studies showing prevention is far less expensive than future disciplinary action. Why are we afraid to act on what we know is best practice?

I wake up some mornings hoping to change the world but knowing I can’t do it alone. However, any difference I can make, no matter how tiny it may seem, is a difference made. I encourage everyone to find one small change you can make to help your own personal cause. If enough of us do something, anything is possible!

 

Unit Quiz on Education

Written by Aviva on October 17th, 2011

I think this is sadly telling… My post on the back assward distribution of money TO entertainment and FROM education received comments of agreement, anger, and desire for change but not a single suggestion of what to do about it. If we are only going to complain and not take action, everything will stay the same. We need to realize we can make a difference!

Part 2 of this issue will cover what I have seen in education. I hope to hear others chime in on your experiences. From there, part 3 will move on to suggestions for change.

I’m not going to pretend to be a financial or political expert here. However, I have had children in public school for the past 15 years and I have either volunteered in or been employed by public school districts every single one of those 15 years. I have seen several changes during my time in the system and when I speak about what I have been a part of, I am amazed at how amazed others are by my stories. More importantly, I have also done my research on everything I have been involved with, so I suppose, like it or not, my involvement has made me an expert of sorts in both politics and finance as far as education is involved.

For those of you who have not heard my tales from the trenches nor had the time to research the constant changes in the system, allow me to catch you up a bit.

  • I have always volunteered in my kids’ schools. Some years I could do more than others but I always believed (and still do) that my involvement in my kids’ education was one of the greatest predictors of their success.
  • 13 years after my first child started school, the federal government instituted the Family Engagement in Education Act of 2010. They were officially stating what many parents already knew.
  • I watched an 8th grade boy reduced to tears when his lunch was stolen while he turned his back to put ketchup on his hamburger. I then saw this handled by the school in a very unique way. During lunch, a teacher walks around the cafeteria with a paper grocery bag – if kids have lunch items they don’t want to eat (ie:  unopened milk, pudding, or applesauce, a whole piece of fruit), they can put it into the sack. The teacher then redistributes it to those who would like to eat it. I’m sure this is NOT supported by the district and is never spoken of but what a brilliant approach to the problem of wasted food and hungry students!
  • After subbing in a French class for one day, I was told by a student that he learned more from me in that one day than he had learned all year. The teacher was in the school for 7 years before anything was done about the fact that she was not teaching students.
  • I have had entire classrooms tell me they are stupid and not expected to graduate from high school. All I can think is, who in the hell has the right to put that in the mind of any student?
  • There are lots of teachers and administrators out there doing all the right things without many of the resources they should have.

Blame cannot be placed on the schools, the parents or the government. We have all gotten into this mess and it will take ALL of us to get out.

 

Entertainment, not so entertaining…

Written by Aviva on October 5th, 2011

I’m sure you’ve heard the buzz by now. The Simpsons may be cancelled! Yes, another family on the brink of financial disaster. It appears a 45% cut on an eight million dollar salary for about 6 months of work is going to break them. So sad to see another family that was living paycheck to paycheck on the verge of homelessness. If only they had planned ahead and set aside just a fraction of that $8,000,000 each season.

Ridiculous, isn’t it. I mean when you look at it that way. Who do these people think they are, fighting over $4,000,000 when real life families are struggling to keep their homes? Even those families who are employed at degreed professions barely make enough to live secure lives and send their kids to college.

I just got back from taking my dogs on a long walk. I was thinking about this ludicrous “news report” as I walked and took in my surroundings. I wandered past an enormous home and realized it was the one owned by a Nuggets player – I don’t know if he is current or former and I really don’t care – not a basketball fan. I can’t imagine why his family needs all that space but I don’t blame him for buying it. In fact, given the opportunity, I would like to thank him for doing so. You see his big, beautiful home helps pay for one of the best school districts in the region. It also contributes a great deal to the paths I am able to enjoy, the doggie clean up stations, the park benches, and the employment of several private landscaping companies in the neighborhood.

So what is it that makes me angry about that house? The anger about this house is the same anger I feel about the entertainment industry’s money. It’s because I am a parent who, like many parents, wants to give my children every opportunity in life to succeed and be happy. And when I see billions of dollars supporting entertainment while the government cuts funding to the schools, teachers, and community organizations which educated, guided and supported the people who built the corporations-, I get mad.

I was recently told by an educator that I am not the kind of person who just complains about things. I am the kind of person who looks for ways to help solve problems. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can fix the huge mess our country is in all by myself. I do have a couple of ideas to think about though: one local, one much, much, much bigger. Of course, what I am about to say next may be 100% percent wrong. Since I am saying it on the internet, I am sure lots of people will let me know if I am even 0.001% wrong. And, since this post is too long already, I want to hear some of your ideas before I go public with mine!

Give it some thought, see what you come up with and let me know. Over the next few days we can all add our ideas to the pot. Who knows, maybe we’ll hit on an idea or two that is picked up by enough people to actually make a change.

 

Happy Birthday, dear Suebob

Written by Devra on July 6th, 2011

You’ll have to forgive me a bit, I ‘m rusty with the blogging. I’ve been MIA for a few months, and am  trying to get back in the groove. I can think of no better reason to hit the keyboard than celebrating a happy occasion. And sometimes it takes a nudge from another blogmiga to get the ball rolling again. So here we go, let’s talk about a girl named Sue.

I first met Sue Davis, or as many know her Suebob , in 2006 at BlogHer.  She walked up to me and asked if she could take a picture of me with her red Swinger stapler. I happily reached for the stapler and struck my cheesy pose.  And the rest, as they say, is history.

Or is it?

Nope, it’s actually the present. Today is Sue’s 50th birthday!

It’s also the future.

Donations in Sue’s honor are being given to WriteGirl, a California-based mentoring organization which empowers female high school students to express themselves through creative writing.

Suebob has one hell of a nefesh, which in Judaism means soul.  There are few people in the world who are true “Includers.” These are the people who have an aura of inclusion surrounding them, they don’t make anyone feel unimportant, they listen, they offer help, they truly give a shit about making other people feel as though they belong. Sue is just such a person. She has always been one of the people I seek out on Twitter, on Facebook and in person  and especially when we’re at BlogHer. Any moment grabbed with Sue is a special moment.

Such was the evening she and I spent dining together at Carnegie Deli last summer while we were both in town for BlogHer. We bumped into one another  that evening, decided we needed nourishment and walked up to the restaurant. Right then and there Suebob experienced her first blintz!  And originally, my post about Sue was going to end here.

But when I was reading some of Sue’s old blog, I came across a post she had written about a time we spent together in Chicago.  I had no memory of her being in a particularly sad state, just that we had spent a lovely afternoon together on the pier. Evidently that afternoon resonated with her. And so, with the knowledge of such, I ‘m going to make a confession.

The night Sue and I went to Carnegie was,for me, like the pier was for her. What Sue didn’t realize is that night I was feeling very alone and sad. There were a variety of reasons for my state of mind.  It was a rough time in my life and I knew there were changes on my horizon. Some good, some not so good.  And when I just happened to run into Sue? And she just happened not to have plans for dinner? To me this wasn’t just a couple of cases of happenstance. No matter how many  times I use the word “happened,” I definitely believe it was beshert, or fate, for me to wind up walking and talking with Sue that night.  Friends are amazingly life affirming. I am so happy to be a part of Sue’s birthday celebration.

L’chaim Sue! To life!  A life that means so much to so many. Happy Birthday!

With love,

Devra