Guilt No More

Written by Aviva on November 30th, 2011

Kudos to Redbook for declaring November 30, 2011 as No-Judgment Day!

Ever since our book was published in 2005, we have had the pleasure of hearing sighs of relief from people all over the world when we remind them none of us became parents to be tormented and miserable our entire lives. Parenting is a learning process and, thank goodness, our children are very forgiving of our goofs along the way. Now, it is time once again to follow the lead of the children and say, “It’s OK. We’re doing the very best we can and we’d love to all support each other.”

It’s great to see stories like the one from Charlotte Hilton Andersen of moms helping each other out instead of criticizing or competing. What have you done to support a parent in the past and what can you do today, and everyday, to keep the love paying forward?

As Devra likes to say, “The grass is always greener on the other side so let’s take down the fence and practice beautiful lawn maintenance for everyone!”

 

“Politics, politics, politics…”

Written by Aviva on November 10th, 2011

U.S. Capitol

As many of you know, Mel Brooks’ History of the World Part I is one of my all time favorite movies. I especially love the character Comicus. You know, the “stand-up philosopher” who defines his work this way, “I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.” To which the clerk responds, “Oh, a *bullshit* artist!”  I often recall this scene with a laugh whenever I find myself in a political arena. I am not a political person, at least, I didn’t think I was. Recently, however, my involvement with public education and National Council of Jewish Women has landed me at many political gatherings.

Yesterday morning I attended the CCCLN Legislative Breakfast (All those capital letters make it look important, right?). To sum it up, 9 Senators and Representatives had breakfast with people in our school district and answered questions from the attendees. With the recent failure of Prop 103, the questions were, not surprisingly, all focused around funding for education. While some of the officials practiced their art of stand up philosophy, a few gave actual examples of what they were doing or trying to do in their role as a representative for the people.

I am not going to talk Democrat vs Republican or list who is doing what because, just like we should all be able to watch what we think is best for our family on TV, I also believe we should all be entitled to fight for what we feel is in our families’ best interests as far as politics is concerned. What I will say is simply this – get informed!

I think a big reason I avoided politics was because I was afraid it would all be too hard for me to understand. All the HB-this and Proposition-that seemed daunting. Over these past 2 months of simply attending political events as an observer, I have learned a lot, and it really wasn’t even that scary or mind scrambling. I still don’t like the politics of politics but I am getting a much better understanding of how and why things happen the way they do. Most importantly, I have learned that people like me really can have an impact on what happens. Just by showing up, I have become acquainted with Senators and Representatives who share my concerns and are willing to have actual conversations with me.

I can’t say for sure yet how any of this is going to turn out but I am encouraged by my new adventures and I encourage more people to take the plunge and get involved. All the little steps are bound to travel somewhere!

 

Sex and Education

Written by Aviva on November 10th, 2011

S is for Sex

I watch Glee. Yes, I am a big fan – even when the show gets a bit ridiculous. I love the music. I love the dancing. I love the way they don’t shy away from the controversial topics like alcohol, smoking, homosexuality, and sex. Do I think the show is appropriate for all teens to watch? I don’t live with all teens so I am happy to have each family make their own decisions about what is or isn’t appropriate viewing for them.

One of the things I like most about the show is the way it spurs conversation among my own family members. When the writers and producers risk it all to show teen alcohol struggles, teen pregnancy, bullying, and, yes, teen homosexual relationships, I take those scenarios as teachable moments to talk with my family. We have some great conversations where my kids take the lead on asking the questions AND voicing their opinions.

I realize there are organizations which take strong stands on limiting what kids should be exposed to on TV and I appreciate their intentions and their research into the shows. However, I prefer to use this information as a guide then watch the show and draw my own conclusions. Depending on what I’ve heard or read, I may decide to watch it with one of my kids or preview it on my own first. In either case, it is me, as the provider living in the household, deciding what is best for my family.

I regularly advocate for the health and education of my children and encourage others to do the same. What kids view on TV does influence them so it makes sense to advocate for what we believe in there as well. But please, let each of us decide what is best for our families without making those decisions for us.

 

Colorado and Proposition 103

Written by Aviva on November 4th, 2011

It's a tangled web...The grown ups have spoken and I don’t understand them us. How is it that one of the highest educated work forces in the nation is not in support of giving a few cents on the dollar to educate the future work force in our state? I have spent quite a bit of time reviewing the report Toward a More Competitive Colorado and I am disturbed, confused, and otherwise confuddled by it all.

The rankings bring up so many questions in my mind:

  1. How can we continually rank in the top 2 states with a population 25 years and older holding a bachelor’s degree or higher, yet rank between 25 and 35 for our high school graduation rate?
  2. How come our 4th graders rank in the top 10 for reading scores but our 8th graders rank between 20th and 24th?
  3. Could the above numbers be related to our average teacher salary running between 22nd and 27th in the nation?
  4. Or perhaps it’s because we rank in the 10th highest for student/teacher ratios?

As we often say in Judaism, ask 10 rabbis the same question and you’re bound to get at least 11 different answers. I am sure many different things play into these statistics and, quite frankly, all that matters to me is working to solve the problem of inadequate funding and poor results in our current education system.

Do your own research and see what you come up with. Then, see what you can do to help change things! Please, our kids are counting on all of us to just do the right thing.

 

Education Part 3: An idea or two from me, how about you?

Written by Aviva on October 21st, 2011

Perhaps all of you are just waiting to hear what I have to say first and then you’ll chime in. I sincerely hope you’ll offer additional suggestions and you’re not simply waiting to criticize mine. In any case, here are a few things I have thought about.

One glaring problem I see is this: we are the ones feeding the message that entertainment is vastly important when we continue to spend millions on sports and movie tickets, television access, and merchandising. I love this stuff as much as the next person but we have to begin to change the message. I suppose when kids ask for movie or TV themed school supplies we can give in under the auspices that this $5 won’t make a bit of difference or we can put our foot down, say NO to the purchase, and explain to our children that we cannot morally support an industry that bickers over millions while so many of us live paycheck to paycheck. If enough people choose to spend their money on books, culture and other forms of entertainment beyond the purely entertaining, perhaps a new message will be heard.

I am a huge supporter of the arts – performing and visual. I definitely shell out dollars for live theater tickets but I do it without hesitation. My parents took my brother and me to the theater, symphony and opera growing up. Sure, we complained sometimes but I remember more about history, Shakespeare, and even politics from what I learned on Thursday theater nights than I do from a lot of my formal education. I was thrilled when I read in the paper last week about schools using Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night” to teach about bullying behavior. What a great way to expose young children to classic literature and live theater while opening up dialogue about a current and very serious topic in our schools.

Next, what can each of us speak up about and try to change on a global scale? I, for one, would love to have the FBI quit spending their money protecting the movie industry and transfer those government funds to provide quality education materials to ALL schools. The movie industry can use its own money to fight its battles. I don’t know how to go about getting this change rolling or if it’s even possible – I’m fairly certain the movie industry will use its money and power to fight anyone who threatens this. It’s just something I would change if I could figure out a way to do it. I would also love to see schools having to spend less money on defending themselves from lawsuits – of course this is a topic that goes way beyond our schools. When did Americans become so lawsuit happy? When did the country become a place we have to protect ourselves from rather than live in? I would love to see a paradigm shift from living in fear to living in support of each other.

Perhaps shifting more money from prisons to schools, and specifically early childhood education, can help raise a broader generation of caring and better educated individuals. This is nothing new. We have study upon study showing us early childhood education is key to future development. We also have multiple studies showing prevention is far less expensive than future disciplinary action. Why are we afraid to act on what we know is best practice?

I wake up some mornings hoping to change the world but knowing I can’t do it alone. However, any difference I can make, no matter how tiny it may seem, is a difference made. I encourage everyone to find one small change you can make to help your own personal cause. If enough of us do something, anything is possible!

 

Unit Quiz on Education

Written by Aviva on October 17th, 2011

I think this is sadly telling… My post on the back assward distribution of money TO entertainment and FROM education received comments of agreement, anger, and desire for change but not a single suggestion of what to do about it. If we are only going to complain and not take action, everything will stay the same. We need to realize we can make a difference!

Part 2 of this issue will cover what I have seen in education. I hope to hear others chime in on your experiences. From there, part 3 will move on to suggestions for change.

I’m not going to pretend to be a financial or political expert here. However, I have had children in public school for the past 15 years and I have either volunteered in or been employed by public school districts every single one of those 15 years. I have seen several changes during my time in the system and when I speak about what I have been a part of, I am amazed at how amazed others are by my stories. More importantly, I have also done my research on everything I have been involved with, so I suppose, like it or not, my involvement has made me an expert of sorts in both politics and finance as far as education is involved.

For those of you who have not heard my tales from the trenches nor had the time to research the constant changes in the system, allow me to catch you up a bit.

  • I have always volunteered in my kids’ schools. Some years I could do more than others but I always believed (and still do) that my involvement in my kids’ education was one of the greatest predictors of their success.
  • 13 years after my first child started school, the federal government instituted the Family Engagement in Education Act of 2010. They were officially stating what many parents already knew.
  • I watched an 8th grade boy reduced to tears when his lunch was stolen while he turned his back to put ketchup on his hamburger. I then saw this handled by the school in a very unique way. During lunch, a teacher walks around the cafeteria with a paper grocery bag – if kids have lunch items they don’t want to eat (ie:  unopened milk, pudding, or applesauce, a whole piece of fruit), they can put it into the sack. The teacher then redistributes it to those who would like to eat it. I’m sure this is NOT supported by the district and is never spoken of but what a brilliant approach to the problem of wasted food and hungry students!
  • After subbing in a French class for one day, I was told by a student that he learned more from me in that one day than he had learned all year. The teacher was in the school for 7 years before anything was done about the fact that she was not teaching students.
  • I have had entire classrooms tell me they are stupid and not expected to graduate from high school. All I can think is, who in the hell has the right to put that in the mind of any student?
  • There are lots of teachers and administrators out there doing all the right things without many of the resources they should have.

Blame cannot be placed on the schools, the parents or the government. We have all gotten into this mess and it will take ALL of us to get out.

 

Entertainment, not so entertaining…

Written by Aviva on October 5th, 2011

I’m sure you’ve heard the buzz by now. The Simpsons may be cancelled! Yes, another family on the brink of financial disaster. It appears a 45% cut on an eight million dollar salary for about 6 months of work is going to break them. So sad to see another family that was living paycheck to paycheck on the verge of homelessness. If only they had planned ahead and set aside just a fraction of that $8,000,000 each season.

Ridiculous, isn’t it. I mean when you look at it that way. Who do these people think they are, fighting over $4,000,000 when real life families are struggling to keep their homes? Even those families who are employed at degreed professions barely make enough to live secure lives and send their kids to college.

I just got back from taking my dogs on a long walk. I was thinking about this ludicrous “news report” as I walked and took in my surroundings. I wandered past an enormous home and realized it was the one owned by a Nuggets player – I don’t know if he is current or former and I really don’t care – not a basketball fan. I can’t imagine why his family needs all that space but I don’t blame him for buying it. In fact, given the opportunity, I would like to thank him for doing so. You see his big, beautiful home helps pay for one of the best school districts in the region. It also contributes a great deal to the paths I am able to enjoy, the doggie clean up stations, the park benches, and the employment of several private landscaping companies in the neighborhood.

So what is it that makes me angry about that house? The anger about this house is the same anger I feel about the entertainment industry’s money. It’s because I am a parent who, like many parents, wants to give my children every opportunity in life to succeed and be happy. And when I see billions of dollars supporting entertainment while the government cuts funding to the schools, teachers, and community organizations which educated, guided and supported the people who built the corporations-, I get mad.

I was recently told by an educator that I am not the kind of person who just complains about things. I am the kind of person who looks for ways to help solve problems. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can fix the huge mess our country is in all by myself. I do have a couple of ideas to think about though: one local, one much, much, much bigger. Of course, what I am about to say next may be 100% percent wrong. Since I am saying it on the internet, I am sure lots of people will let me know if I am even 0.001% wrong. And, since this post is too long already, I want to hear some of your ideas before I go public with mine!

Give it some thought, see what you come up with and let me know. Over the next few days we can all add our ideas to the pot. Who knows, maybe we’ll hit on an idea or two that is picked up by enough people to actually make a change.

 

Happy Birthday, dear Suebob

Written by Devra on July 6th, 2011

You’ll have to forgive me a bit, I ‘m rusty with the blogging. I’ve been MIA for a few months, and am  trying to get back in the groove. I can think of no better reason to hit the keyboard than celebrating a happy occasion. And sometimes it takes a nudge from another blogmiga to get the ball rolling again. So here we go, let’s talk about a girl named Sue.

I first met Sue Davis, or as many know her Suebob , in 2006 at BlogHer.  She walked up to me and asked if she could take a picture of me with her red Swinger stapler. I happily reached for the stapler and struck my cheesy pose.  And the rest, as they say, is history.

Or is it?

Nope, it’s actually the present. Today is Sue’s 50th birthday!

It’s also the future.

Donations in Sue’s honor are being given to WriteGirl, a California-based mentoring organization which empowers female high school students to express themselves through creative writing.

Suebob has one hell of a nefesh, which in Judaism means soul.  There are few people in the world who are true “Includers.” These are the people who have an aura of inclusion surrounding them, they don’t make anyone feel unimportant, they listen, they offer help, they truly give a shit about making other people feel as though they belong. Sue is just such a person. She has always been one of the people I seek out on Twitter, on Facebook and in person  and especially when we’re at BlogHer. Any moment grabbed with Sue is a special moment.

Such was the evening she and I spent dining together at Carnegie Deli last summer while we were both in town for BlogHer. We bumped into one another  that evening, decided we needed nourishment and walked up to the restaurant. Right then and there Suebob experienced her first blintz!  And originally, my post about Sue was going to end here.

But when I was reading some of Sue’s old blog, I came across a post she had written about a time we spent together in Chicago.  I had no memory of her being in a particularly sad state, just that we had spent a lovely afternoon together on the pier. Evidently that afternoon resonated with her. And so, with the knowledge of such, I ‘m going to make a confession.

The night Sue and I went to Carnegie was,for me, like the pier was for her. What Sue didn’t realize is that night I was feeling very alone and sad. There were a variety of reasons for my state of mind.  It was a rough time in my life and I knew there were changes on my horizon. Some good, some not so good.  And when I just happened to run into Sue? And she just happened not to have plans for dinner? To me this wasn’t just a couple of cases of happenstance. No matter how many  times I use the word “happened,” I definitely believe it was beshert, or fate, for me to wind up walking and talking with Sue that night.  Friends are amazingly life affirming. I am so happy to be a part of Sue’s birthday celebration.

L’chaim Sue! To life!  A life that means so much to so many. Happy Birthday!

With love,

Devra

 

A Heroic Start to Summer

Written by Aviva on June 24th, 2011

You can do it!Out here in the wild west, our summer break started early this year. As always, I searched for fun community events to fill our days. One of the first festivals we attended was Jr. Jam. It kicked off our break with good music, fun games, and booths from businesses around town. We ran into an old friend who has moved back to town, I got to discuss my loathing toward “investigations math” with a wonderful man from Mathnasium while my son played chess, and then, my son was intrigued by a poster of criminal holding a gun. Oddly, the area wasn’t crowded (pictures of guns are usually pretty attractive to kids – I guess the opportunity to dress in SWAT gear was a bigger draw). We wandered over to see what it was all about.

A kind, outgoing gentleman named Bob asked my son if he was interested in learning CPR, first aid, or gun safety? Gun safety. That got my boy’s attention. He has a pellet gun and a BB gun so we have reviewed a lot of this at home. But Bob was talking about the kind of guns that shoot bullets. The kind of guns like the criminal on his poster was holding. After some further discussion, I learned Bob’s class would use repetition to teach kids how to be prepared in case of an emergency – whether that meant helping me out if I suddenly collapsed at home, being able to defend himself against an attacker, or knowing the proper handling of weapons. Bob also told me he was offering the class free to the first 15 people who signed up as a way to get the word out. Free CPR, first aid and self defense training? Really? Really!

We got home and I forgot all about Bob and his “free” class until….   The next week I received a call to let me know the class would start on Monday. Was my son still interested? Heck yes. So was I. Was it really going to be free? Absolutely! I told Bob we would see him on Monday.

Monday came and off we went. I only got lost for a couple of minutes before I realized I had passed the parking lot 3 times. We went in and discovered we were the only people attending. I didn’t get it. A free 2 week class to occupy your kids for 3 hours every afternoon, actually teach them something useful, and he couldn’t get 15 people to commit. He and his co-worker went on to tell me several people had said they were interested but my son and I were the only family to follow through and show up. He appreciated our honesty and willingness to help him get things started.

Over the next 2 weeks I had the opportunity to review my CPR and first aid skills, my son got to show off his surprisingly vast knowledge in several areas of Bob’s course while he learned great new skills, and we both had a terrific time. The best part for my son – a tremendous explosion in self confidence! I think even my son was surprised at how much information he already had in his head about a lot of the health issues. Bob was definitely impressed by not only what he knew, but also how well he presented his knowledge and soaked up all the new stuff! The best part for me – learning some gun safety! My husband and daughters both took Hunter Safety and my son has learned a great deal through Scouts and his dad. I, on the other hand, have never handled a gun and knew nothing about them. I feel confident now that both my son and I know important rules about how to safely handle a gun and I even got to shoot pellets at some targets before we graduated. My son and I were equally surprised at my ability to hit the target and not destroy Bob’s wall!

A few other kids did wander in over the 2 weeks – we brought a friend along a few times who loved it. I am still dumbfounded as to why more families didn’t take advantage of Bob’s generous offer for a free 2 week summer camp. I thoroughly understand how busy summer can get and it just may not have fit into the schedule but I am afraid many thought the offer sounded too good to be true so they figured it wasn’t. I am ecstatic we took advantage of it! Not only did we both learn a lot of great skills, but we also had a lot of fun doing this together!

I hope we can get through life never having to use many of the emergency and self defense methods we learned. But, I always say it is better to have and not need than to need and not have! And now, thanks to Bob and his incredibly positive and encouraging approach to often uncomfortable issues, we have the skills to be heroes if we should ever need them.

 

On Balance and Equality and Fairness

Written by Aviva on June 14th, 2011

I made a comment on an op-ed someone shared on Facebook and, as often happens, different people took my comment to mean different things. Therefore, rather than respond to everyone individually in an effort to better explain myself, I figured I would write a post instead.

I know, I know, four posts in less than a month – crazy!

The article, by a female anesthesiologist, takes a pretty strong stand and says if you want to be a doctor, please commit to the career. The cost of educating and producing a physician should not be taken lightly, especially since it is subsidized by local and federal funds. Moreover, if you end up just doing the profession part time, or give it up entirely, you have wasted taxpayer dollars.

OK – I get that part. I also imagine the person who pursued the medical profession put plenty of their own money into it and, quite likely, has substantial education loans to pay back. My guess is, they intend to stick with and make money at the job.

The article goes on to talk about how it is primarily women who tend to become part timers in the medical profession, or give it up altogether, in order to start a family. They can’t seem to find “work-life balance” if they maintain medicine as a full time career.

No kidding! Being a doctor is demanding work. I grew up with a doctor in the house – my father. I know he was extremely busy and worked crazy hours. I also know he made every effort to be involved with anything possible when it came to family. Was he at every choir concert, soccer game, dance recital or school event? No. Do I remember the things he didn’t attend? No. I do, however, remember his face beaming with pride when he was there. I remember hearing his voice stand out above all the others when he would laugh at a show I was in or cheer for my brother when he scored a goal. I remember going with him when he would make rounds at the hospital and I would get cookies from the nurses. I remember listening to him on the phone as he talked an EMT through delivering a baby in a blizzard. I have great memories of growing up with a full time doctor as a parent.

Oh wait, he was my dad, not my mom! It was socially acceptable for him to miss school events, sporting events, and performances. It doesn’t mean he didn’t want to be there, it just means he was expected to sacrifice those things and be at work. But that was a few decades ago (please don’t do the math for my age here). Things have changed, right? Apparently not.

You see, I find it hard to believe anyone, male or female, would invest the time, energy, effort and money into being a doctor if they were not fully committed to the career. I think our society still piles on the guilt for mom to place kids over career and dad to sacrifice family time. This is why many female physicians are so torn and often end up opting out. Not only do they have to deal with ridicule from people about their decision to be in such a demanding and important field, but their spouses often endure ridicule when they show up at events without the wife and find it necessary to defend her choice. Society, as a whole, STILL isn’t ready to accept mom as the primary bread winner as a family structure. I know there are exceptions – I happen to have very good friends who fall into the exception category – so please, don’t bother to criticize me for putting this in writing. But let’s face it,  you and your family need to be prepared to stand your ground and deal with the crap. This isn’t going to be an easy choice for the long haul.

And as for work-life balance… don’t expect to find that. It’s total bullshit! There are some days work will be more important and some days family (and whatever else you consider “life”) will rise to the top. Hell, there are some hours in a day when these things will flip-flop several times. Life is never fair in what it deals out – we tell our kids that all the time. All we can do is know that we are doing our very best at any given moment to make the right choice when, in fact, we have a choice. And, when we feel as if we don’t have a choice, then those are the times we need to power through, tune out the guilt, nod a polite “thank you” to the unsolicited advice givers, and realize we are not doing anything to intentionally screw anyone up; we are simply doing what needs to be done. Our families, our “life,” will understand and be proud of the entire person we are: mom or dad, AND doctor.