Tantrum Queen Young and Sweet Only Two...

Here's the situation: My husband and I do not want to ever spank or utilize Time Out. However, we are the proud parents of a two-year-old temper tantrum queen. The tantrums have worsened since the birth of our baby, who is now ten weeks old. How should we effectively handle the tantrums--especially the ones that occur as the baby is crying in the car? (The louder the baby cries, the more severe the two year olds screaming fits become. It's ugly.)

Two year old children love to assert their independence and new siblings hate to give up the spotlight. First, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Parents of two year olds go through this all the time. A car tantrum is a perfect venue for a toddler because parents are limited in what they can do from behind the driver’s seat. Before loading up for a journey, explain that screaming in the car is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Let it be known that there will be no hesitation about stopping the car or changing plans if she starts yelling. Many tantrums begin and then escalate because they feed on everyone’s agitation and attention. Spanking or time outs may be a knee jerk reaction when you are caught up in the heat of the moment - they are certainly not your only options though! When dealing with this type of behavior, your best line of defense is your own attitude before, during and after each episode. If you can remember the 3 C’s, you will be in great shape – calm, consistent, caring.

Inside and outside of the car, try to keep life as “normal” as possible for your older child. Try to keep her daily routines the same and let her know when things will change and why. Children rely on consistency and this is often why the wildly unpredictable life of a family with a newborn is confusing, frustrating and disruptive to older siblings. Take every opportunity to show your daughter how much you love her and care about her as she may be feeling threatened by this new creature in her home. Make efforts to include her as much as possible by letting her help out; however, if she begins to complain about it, then stop –she may be confusing your wanting to include her with being treated like a servant, or feeling like she is being forced to spend more time with the baby than she wants. Try to find a few precious moments of alone time with your daughter each day (I have 3 kids myself so I know how difficult this can be!). It doesn’t need to be a long stretch of time, just special time that belongs to you and her. Folding the baby’s laundry or even bringing up baby related topics is off limits for you but an open option for her.

Your little queen alreadyknows very well how to get your attention and now she is doing whatever it takes to get it away from the baby. She also knows that your new baby is preoccupying your time, energy and thought processes and may be trying to take advantage of that situation. If you can remain calm –keep your voice low, ignore her outbursts and try not to give in to the temptation of saying something you may regret, or shifting attention dramatically to her – your battle is half over. Should you lose control of your own behavior, everyone loses! She will have succeeded in pushing you over the edge. Even if you react in a negative way towards her, she will take great satisfaction in seeing you lose your composure because of something she did. It’s not that she is trying to upset you on purpose, this is all about attention. As for the car tantrums… As difficult as it may be to believe, you can pull off the road and deal quietly with your screaming child or children – it is much more effective and much safer than trying to end the tantrum by yelling over their cries from the front of the car. The key is to remain calm, as this will not only keep you calm, but it may calm your child down too. By acting and reacting with the 3 C’s in mind, the temper tantrums should subside in a while and on the occasion where a tantrum is looming, you will be prepared to defuse it in a hurry!