To Confront or Not To Confront? That is the question!

My current husband and I are expecting our first child together soon. My son from a previous marriage is very excited about his future sister but my son's father (my ex husband) has spent the last two years telling our son that anyone and everyone associated with my current husband is not "real family; I don't like starting problems with my ex-husband because in the end I worry that it may end up hurting our son. Instead, I have tried to explain to our son that when his Dad says negative things, he doesn't really MEAN it, he's just saying it to release frustration. Should we take a more assertive stand regarding my ex-husband's behavior and have a discussion with my ex about how his negative comments are hurting our son? I know this isn't a good situation for our son, but I don't know exactly how to get my husband to knock it off either.



Aviva: Your desire to act in a way that will protect your son's feelings is right on target. However, allowing your child to be exposed to his father's childish behavior just cannot continue. Any child is impressionable, even a 10 year old who seems mature. Your son will follow your actions more than he will understand your words. This means that if you continue to allow your son to be exposed to the negative comments of your ex-husband, your son may think you find his father's behavior acceptable. Part of our job as a parent is to protect offspring -- protecting them does not equate sheltering them from all bad things in the world. Sometimes it means that we need to show them exactly how to keep bad things from happening to those we love. Your son is looking to you to help him navigate through a conflict. Letting him know that it may make his father angry to be told to knock it off is fine, actually it's a good thing to help your son to prepare for his father's feelings. Your ex-husband doesn't seem to completely understand boundaries, where the lines are drawn in your family system. Telling your son what are acceptable and unacceptable boundaries and what is considered a breach of boundary is an important lesson that will help him in all of his relationships, including the one with his dad.



Devra: You son needs to see action on your part. Let your son know that you have noticed the negative comments, you are concerned about your son's feelings and you do not approve of the comments. Explain that you are planning to discuss this issue with his father as this is an issue best discussed by adults. Ask your son if he has anything he would like you to say on his behalf, do not make promises that you WILL say these things because the purpose of asking is to help you to figure out how upsetting this situation is to your son. Once you have this information, a separate conversation, away from your son, needs to be held with your ex husband. If you feel it is beneficial to the conversation, share what your son has told you. (If you have concerns that your ex-husband will become abusive in any way, have the discussion in a public place, such as a restaurant or a library where there are others around you and loud voices will draw attention quickly. My own parents negotiated their divorce in some of the finest NYC eating establishments!) While it is true that you and your ex-husband no longer have a relationship as husband and wife, you will always have a relationship to each other as the parents of your son. With this in mind, focus the conversation on the interest that you both share of seeing your son be happy. I have a friend who is a professional mediator. She has long recommended Getting to Yes as this book deals with talking about disagreements from the perspective of "What is the interest we share" as opposed to trying to convince someone of how *right* you are and ending up with everyone on the defensive. While anyone may guess as to why your ex-husband appears to have a need to assert himself as the "one true dad", what your ex may be failing to understand is the negative impact this assertion may be having on his relationship with his son. (Who, by the way, at 10, is not thinking that the stepfather or his new sister would be usurping his dad's place.) While it is understandable that you don't want to make waves, in this situation, you're really stopping a tidal wave from washing out your son's relationship with his father. Be mindful of the undertow and avoid bringing up past disagreements. If you focus on the health and well being of your son, this may calm the waters and it could be smooth sailing from this point on!