What Happened to "Be Prepared"?

I live in Northern Virginia and this week has been hot. So hot in fact that when it finally rained the other day, the streets were steaming. Now, I heeded the warnings that were announced via the media-newspapers, radio, television-all warning to STAY INSIDE because of dangerous weather conditions. Why on earth did the Boy Scouts decide to continue their Jamboree in record setting heat? Could they not have moved to an indoor location with the hope that the conditions would improve? Surely one of the military bases in the area, or a hotel even, would have given them some appropriate shelter. So why then did the adults in charge not take charge and decide to take those children in from the danger? I've been camping and I am no whimp when it comes to roughing it, but this is a far different situation from trying to assemble a tent in a run of the mill downpour. It doesn't take long for children to overheat. Intermixed with the heat, there were thunderstorms. Hell, even the President of the United States determined he should not be out in dangerous weather conditions and postponed his visit to the Scouts' Jamboree. If there is ever a next time, the President should take an extra step and invite the Boy Scouts to come and say at his place until the weather is better.
Aviva and I spent many summers in Colorado at camp and we both remember being sent back to cabins when the weather conditions were considered dangerous. While parents want our children to learn how to get along without us, to survive in the wilderness if necessary, a part of survival is also understanding the need to get help when you can. Scouting programs do provide that kind of preparation. They are famous for it and have an excellent reputation when it comes to being prepared. However in this particular situation, it was the adults who may have failed to "Be Prepared" and the end result was a lot of sick children. While I do not know the specifics of why decisions were made as they were, I do know that there were adults there who did not follow their gut. Our intuition as parents is better than we may realize. Please take from this that if you feel your child, or a child you are supervising, is in a dangerous situation, listen to your gut and take action. When people are under stress and faced with unexpected circumstances it is easy to become distracted from what needs to be done. Try to find a way that works for you, yet keeps you in touch with what is going on around you. For me, taking a deep breath works very well because it doesn't take a lot of time, and if in an emergency I'm ready to act quickly.
What happened at this Jamboree could have happened at a summer camp, it could have happened in any number of situations where bad weather occurs. I don't feel this is a "scouting" issue, and dumping on the Scouts is not my intention. Let's all try to keep on the look out for dangerous situations, weather related or not, and "Be Prepared" to take action to keep each other safe.

Terrible Twos - What a Joke!

My son is 3 years old and demands everything that he wants. If I don’t give it to him, he screams at me or looks at me like he hates me. I don’t like it when he looks at me like that and I don’t know what to do with him when he gets that way. He is my only child.


This is why I laugh when people mention the “terrible twos.” They are nothing compared to the “terrifying threes.” Two year olds are learning that they are different people from mom and dad so they like to say things like “mine” and “I do it myself.” Three year olds know they are their own unique little people and know how to “push our buttons.” They know what makes us laugh, what makes us angry and what pushes us over the edge of reason. They know it and they use it.

When your son demands things, the first thing you should try to correct is the tone of voice and attitude. It could be as simple as, “I’m sorry, but I do not like it when you speak to me that way. Could you please ask me what it is you want nicely?” Your calm voice may help calm him or it may just confuse him into changing his behavior. Either way, you will make it clear to him that you deserve to be treated with respect and you will treat him the same way. The next thing to consider is if his request is reasonable. In Mommy Guilt we talk about saying “yes” more often and being able to defend your “no.” It could be that your child is just searching for more “yes” answers. Think about his requests and don’t be afraid to say “yes.” As long as he asks you with a polite voice, and what he wants is OK, you will not spoil him with more “yes” than “no” answers. The dirty looks and screaming are his way of letting you know that these things are important to him. Your calm response will teach him the polite way to talk with people and show him that you care for him and respect both him and his desires. When the answer is "no," though, the answer is "no." You can explain why or simply let him know that what he is asking for is not OK right now. Tell him that all the screaming and dirty looks will not change your answer but you would like him to go away from you until he is done behaving that way. Try to avoid raising your voice to over power his, this will just get you both screaming. Stay calm and know that your answer to his behavior is appropriate and caring.

Don't worry, 4 is worse and by 5 you will have forgotten all about this.

Truth or Dare? I Take.....Dare!

Aviva dared me to post this story. Not willing to back down on a dare, I am posting... A few months back I was wearing a v-neck shirt and I leaned over to tie my 5 year old son's shoes. My 5 year old pointed down at my chest and and asked "Is that a butt?" That's right folks, my kid thought my cleavage looked like a tush! All right Aviva. Truth or Dare?

How Can I Help Our Son?

When I got married, my husband had custody of his son from a previous marriage. I adopted his son and our family was complete. Fast forward and my husband and I are divorcing. My soon to be ex-husband does not want custody. How can I help our 10 year old son deal with having had both of his biological parents abandon him?

You have already taken a step in helping him deal with loss, as you added so much to his life by adopting him after you married his father. While you cannot control what his biological parents choose to do, you can access counseling services for your son. In our book, we make no bones about "calling in the big guns" when you need them. This is the exact situation where a professional therapist makes a hell of a lot of sense. If you are unsure as to where to find a therapist, you can ask your son's pediatrician for a referral, ask other parents if they have heard of anyone they can recommend, and/or you can call your local community mental health office. Another resource is the Association For Play Therapy which has valuable information about Play Therapy as well as a search engine that can help parents locate a certified Play Therapist in their area.

Would This Count As One Degree of Separation From Kevin Bacon?

I lost my wallet last week, which is a bad thing. The good thing is that I only had 4 items in it. The bad thing is that the four items included my only photo identification. The good thing is that I wrote a book that has my photo on the back cover. The bad thing is that my son's day camp requires I show them a photo ID at camper pick up. (Which is also a good thing because we want the campers to go home with the correct person.) Another good thing is that I had my book with me when I arrived to pick up my son at camp. The counselor told me "hands down, you have the most unique form of ID we've ever seen. That is cool!" It's still not cool that I can't find my wallet and I'm not sure what will happen when I try to write a check....

Woman's World

For those of you who haven't seen it yet, Devra and I were interviewed by a writer from Woman's World magazine to discuss ways to show your children you love them. It was fun and I think you will all enjoy it. The sidebar is on the second to last page of the July 12 issue.
As you are flipping through the pages, you will probably notice an article about chromium and weight loss. At least, that is what everyone else seemed to notice before they were able to find us! Several people who went to read our information were distracted in the store looking for chromium supplements instead. As a matter of fact, I even bought myself a bottle - intrigued by the article I read. As I was swallowing those 2 pills along with my C, E, Calcium and multi-vitamin I came to the following conclusion. The weight loss I will experience is probably the result of filling up on vitamins in the morning instead of the usual junk that I tend to snack on at my desk!

Tantrum Queen Young and Sweet Only Two...

Here's the situation: My husband and I do not want to ever spank or utilize Time Out. However, we are the proud parents of a two-year-old temper tantrum queen. The tantrums have worsened since the birth of our baby, who is now ten weeks old. How should we effectively handle the tantrums--especially the ones that occur as the baby is crying in the car? (The louder the baby cries, the more severe the two year olds screaming fits become. It's ugly.)

Two year old children love to assert their independence and new siblings hate to give up the spotlight. First, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Parents of two year olds go through this all the time. A car tantrum is a perfect venue for a toddler because parents are limited in what they can do from behind the driver’s seat. Before loading up for a journey, explain that screaming in the car is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Let it be known that there will be no hesitation about stopping the car or changing plans if she starts yelling. Many tantrums begin and then escalate because they feed on everyone’s agitation and attention. Spanking or time outs may be a knee jerk reaction when you are caught up in the heat of the moment - they are certainly not your only options though! When dealing with this type of behavior, your best line of defense is your own attitude before, during and after each episode. If you can remember the 3 C’s, you will be in great shape – calm, consistent, caring.

Inside and outside of the car, try to keep life as “normal” as possible for your older child. Try to keep her daily routines the same and let her know when things will change and why. Children rely on consistency and this is often why the wildly unpredictable life of a family with a newborn is confusing, frustrating and disruptive to older siblings. Take every opportunity to show your daughter how much you love her and care about her as she may be feeling threatened by this new creature in her home. Make efforts to include her as much as possible by letting her help out; however, if she begins to complain about it, then stop –she may be confusing your wanting to include her with being treated like a servant, or feeling like she is being forced to spend more time with the baby than she wants. Try to find a few precious moments of alone time with your daughter each day (I have 3 kids myself so I know how difficult this can be!). It doesn’t need to be a long stretch of time, just special time that belongs to you and her. Folding the baby’s laundry or even bringing up baby related topics is off limits for you but an open option for her.

Your little queen alreadyknows very well how to get your attention and now she is doing whatever it takes to get it away from the baby. She also knows that your new baby is preoccupying your time, energy and thought processes and may be trying to take advantage of that situation. If you can remain calm –keep your voice low, ignore her outbursts and try not to give in to the temptation of saying something you may regret, or shifting attention dramatically to her – your battle is half over. Should you lose control of your own behavior, everyone loses! She will have succeeded in pushing you over the edge. Even if you react in a negative way towards her, she will take great satisfaction in seeing you lose your composure because of something she did. It’s not that she is trying to upset you on purpose, this is all about attention. As for the car tantrums… As difficult as it may be to believe, you can pull off the road and deal quietly with your screaming child or children – it is much more effective and much safer than trying to end the tantrum by yelling over their cries from the front of the car. The key is to remain calm, as this will not only keep you calm, but it may calm your child down too. By acting and reacting with the 3 C’s in mind, the temper tantrums should subside in a while and on the occasion where a tantrum is looming, you will be prepared to defuse it in a hurry!

Walking The Walk

In our book Mommy Guilt we give an example of the mom who is rushing around like mad trying to get everyone out of the house and into the car. That was me yesterday morning. So I did exactly what we recommend in our book, I told my shoeless 5 year old that we'd put his shoes on when we got to his day camp because if we took the time now, we'd be late dropping off his 9 year old brother. All went smoothly as the three of us raced from the house to the garage, 5 year old with shoes in hand and no yelling. Perfect! We drop off the 9 year old and I drive on to the day camp to drop off the 5 year old. We arrive at camp and I realized that asking the 5 year old to "grab his shoes" was a tactical error on my part. Yes, he grabbed his shoes, but he grabbed two different shoes AND they were both the "right" shoe. 5 year old is not too happy about this since being 5 he is an expert on how everything "must" be. I persuade him to put both shoes on and walk him over to the counselor who greets the 5 year old with "Are you ready for our hike to the magic rocks?" OMG! I kiss the 5 year old goodbye and let him know that I will return with a left shoe soon and off he goes. On my way home I call Aviva and tell her about what happened. And she asks "So did you tell him it was "Crazy Shoe Day" and leave?" I laughed and said "Well, if he were sporting a mismatched left and right shoe , yeah I would have, but since they are both the same foot, I'm heading home on a recon mission." (Keep in mind that if this had been an older child, I would not have *saved* him, but given that he is only 5, I felt this was a mitigating circumstance, coupled with the fact that I should have double checked the shoe choice he made.) Oops! I returned to the camp with the shoe. The counselor told me that the hike went well and that "Lefty had a good time." I guess the moral of the story, is if you are gonna walk the walk, check the shoes too!

To Confront or Not To Confront? That is the question!

My current husband and I are expecting our first child together soon. My son from a previous marriage is very excited about his future sister but my son's father (my ex husband) has spent the last two years telling our son that anyone and everyone associated with my current husband is not "real family; I don't like starting problems with my ex-husband because in the end I worry that it may end up hurting our son. Instead, I have tried to explain to our son that when his Dad says negative things, he doesn't really MEAN it, he's just saying it to release frustration. Should we take a more assertive stand regarding my ex-husband's behavior and have a discussion with my ex about how his negative comments are hurting our son? I know this isn't a good situation for our son, but I don't know exactly how to get my husband to knock it off either.



Aviva: Your desire to act in a way that will protect your son's feelings is right on target. However, allowing your child to be exposed to his father's childish behavior just cannot continue. Any child is impressionable, even a 10 year old who seems mature. Your son will follow your actions more than he will understand your words. This means that if you continue to allow your son to be exposed to the negative comments of your ex-husband, your son may think you find his father's behavior acceptable. Part of our job as a parent is to protect offspring -- protecting them does not equate sheltering them from all bad things in the world. Sometimes it means that we need to show them exactly how to keep bad things from happening to those we love. Your son is looking to you to help him navigate through a conflict. Letting him know that it may make his father angry to be told to knock it off is fine, actually it's a good thing to help your son to prepare for his father's feelings. Your ex-husband doesn't seem to completely understand boundaries, where the lines are drawn in your family system. Telling your son what are acceptable and unacceptable boundaries and what is considered a breach of boundary is an important lesson that will help him in all of his relationships, including the one with his dad.



Devra: You son needs to see action on your part. Let your son know that you have noticed the negative comments, you are concerned about your son's feelings and you do not approve of the comments. Explain that you are planning to discuss this issue with his father as this is an issue best discussed by adults. Ask your son if he has anything he would like you to say on his behalf, do not make promises that you WILL say these things because the purpose of asking is to help you to figure out how upsetting this situation is to your son. Once you have this information, a separate conversation, away from your son, needs to be held with your ex husband. If you feel it is beneficial to the conversation, share what your son has told you. (If you have concerns that your ex-husband will become abusive in any way, have the discussion in a public place, such as a restaurant or a library where there are others around you and loud voices will draw attention quickly. My own parents negotiated their divorce in some of the finest NYC eating establishments!) While it is true that you and your ex-husband no longer have a relationship as husband and wife, you will always have a relationship to each other as the parents of your son. With this in mind, focus the conversation on the interest that you both share of seeing your son be happy. I have a friend who is a professional mediator. She has long recommended Getting to Yes as this book deals with talking about disagreements from the perspective of "What is the interest we share" as opposed to trying to convince someone of how *right* you are and ending up with everyone on the defensive. While anyone may guess as to why your ex-husband appears to have a need to assert himself as the "one true dad", what your ex may be failing to understand is the negative impact this assertion may be having on his relationship with his son. (Who, by the way, at 10, is not thinking that the stepfather or his new sister would be usurping his dad's place.) While it is understandable that you don't want to make waves, in this situation, you're really stopping a tidal wave from washing out your son's relationship with his father. Be mindful of the undertow and avoid bringing up past disagreements. If you focus on the health and well being of your son, this may calm the waters and it could be smooth sailing from this point on!

Look Ma, Our book is on the shelf at Barnes and Noble!

Here I am in March at the Barnes and Noble Store in Reston, VA. I warned the Community Resource Manager that when the book arrived, I would be there in all of my geekness to take pictures with the book.