Children of different ages are concerned with different aspects of a tragedy. A 2 year old may be very concerned about lost or damaged toys and books while a 5 year old may focus on a family pet or the possibility of a cancelled birthday party. Kids who are approaching pre-teens may begin to expand their thinking to include "What's going to happen to my room? Will it be the same?" Tweens may express concern as to how the situations will effect those beyond their own immediate circle of friends and family members. But all children, no matter what the age, when faced with tragedy beyond their comprehension, will focus on what they can put their arms and thoughts around. It is easier for them to figure out first what is close to them and then slowly their circle expands to include those outside of their day to day lives.
Very young children can be assured that some items lost can be replaced. Pointing out how "lucky" they are in comparison to others goes right over their little heads, so free yourself from the need to inform them. Fears and discomfort may show up embodied as physical ailments - a tummy ache, or as regression - bed wetting, thumb sucking. Follow your child's lead! Too much media input can also trigger fear in children so try to keep it to a minimum whenever possible. For example, many public places are keeping news programs running on. Airports are one that I can think of right off the top of my head. So, try to keep focused upon what your child may be listening to or seeing while you are out and about.
Older, school age children can begin to understand the priority of life over objects and can comprehend that most things are replaceable, people are not. You may want to help shift your child's focus from what has been lost to how they can help. Many people and organizations across the country are finding ways to help the hurricane victims - look for ways you can help in your community. Model for your child ways to take an overwhelming situation and bring it down to a more manageable one. While your child may express a desire to house victims, it is okay to say, "We can't have someone stay with us, we don't have the room, but why don't we go through your clothes and see if we have anything you are no longer wearing that we can donate to someone else."
Teens can go either way! Some may want to discuss every detail of what they are hearing - they may focus on the destruction or on their ability to pitch in. Others may do all they can to avoid the topic - unable to understand the wave of emotions it seems to bring on. Be there for your child either way. If they want to talk and explore, be a sounding board for ideas and concerns. Who knows, your child may be the one motivated to start up a campaign in your community to help out! If they don't want to discuss the topic but you believe they may need to vent some feelings, try a casual, non-threatening approach. Ask them if the topic is being discussed at school or if other kids are talking about it. Teens often will be more willing to discuss a situation if they can talk about someone else in that situation instead of themselves. Express how you feel, let your teen know that it is OK to feel sad, angry, confused or upset.
When tragedy strikes we feel a huge range of emotions and so do our children. Keep an eye out for signs your child may be stressing out. Increase in irritability, crying or being more quiet than usual are signs that a child may be feeling out of sorts. Sometimes saying outloud for no particular reason, "Wow, this is really something" may open the doors for your child to talk to you about what they think or feel.
Today Aviva and I returned to the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center where we met 30 years ago. And who was also there? Over 100 people AND Robert E. Loup! While many who attended the event were eager to hear our Parentopia presentation, Aviva and I were excited to listen to Robert E. Loup and others who spoke so passionately about how the Shalom Baby Program has positively impacted their parenting experience. The benefit was a huge success and the combined efforts of the committee, participants and us raised over $22,000.00 to support this fantastic JCC program for expectant and new parents in the Denver area and beyond. If you attended the event, thank you for your support!
