Serious Issues Are Addressed Here

When Aviva and I receive questions and concerns from readers, we answer them here on our blog. Keep in mind our answers are our professional and expert opinions, but certainly do not take the place of medical, legal or any other professional or expert opinion out there. We don't know the laws and policies in every state, and our answers will be based upon our experience and knowledge, but you should always double check what the laws/policies are in your area. Aviva and I may change any identifying information about the people involved, we will not alter factual information pertinent to the question and will do our best to keep the question close to how it was originally submitted. Now, without further delay, here is the most recent question....

"My sister-in-law verbally abuses her toddler! Our other relatives, even my own 4 year old, have personally witnessed my sister-in- law's threats; calling her toddler "a little shit"(more than 3-4 x's), talking to her toddler in a menacing way. This kind of thing has been going on for a while. I remember when the child was two months old, I once called her, heard the baby SCREAMING in the background and sister-in-law told me she had "had it" and was "ignoring her" and "didn't care anymore".
I have anonymously called child protective services but they said they couldn't do anything since the child is not verbal. Other relatives think this woman's behavior is wrong but everyone is in denial and too afraid to speak up for fear of having the mom tell them they can't see the child anymore. Unfortunately my husband's father "accidentally" told them that we think that her behavior is abusive and we no longer have contact with them. Please help!"

Wow. I can definitely see why the bells and whistles are going off for you regarding your sister in law's behavior. I am curious as to which state you reside, as I am completely unfamiliar with any state's protective service policy dictating they do not investigate allegations of abuse if the referral includes a non verbal victim. Child Protective workers are trained to observe verbal AND non verbal behavior.

What I would suggest is having every single person who has witnessed any allegedly abusive behavior make a written chronology of the events. List the date, who was present, what they all saw and/or heard and how your sister in law, or anyone else present in the household, behaved. Then send it to child protective services as a certified letter. It's easy for anyone to ignore a telephone call, it far more difficult to ignore a certified letter! Call child protective services and request to speak to a supervisor, explain the previous call and let them be aware your letter is on it's way to their office. If you are again told it is a "policy", ask the policy be mailed to you then call the District Attorney's office and request their assistance. You may also wish to check with the local police and see if they have any further suggestions.

Verbal abuse is still abuse, it is reportable, as is emotional abuse. Sometimes people worry about making referrals to child protective services because they fear the child will be "taken away" from the parent. What the general public may not understand is it takes quite a bit more than one call to revoke custody of a child. A child can be placed in protective custody quickly, but most agencies look for a family member to take the child first before they consider other options. Also, please keep in mind your call may not be the first one an agency has received on a family, so your call may only be one of many, so it is not just YOU causing the consequences, it may be a series of events. There may be a history here you don't know about, so relieve yourself of any possible guilt about getting involved and making that phone call!

Sometimes it may be your phone call which will tip the scale just enough to get the family the help it needs. After all, isn't this the point? Making sure we keep the kids safe and getting families the help they need to stay together? Sure there are horror stories about child protective services, yes these agencies are tremendously overstressed, but they help far more families every day then you can even imagine! You can call and be anonymous, you can call and identify yourself and request your identity not be shared, but the most important thing is to pick up the phone and make the call.

When in doubt about a child's safety, report and let the experts decide what to do next. If you end up making a mistake, it happens, your intentions were good. But what if you are right? What if the abuse is real? Your phone call could save a life, could save a child, could save a family.