Public Pottying
Dear Aviva and Devra,
I was hoping you may have advice for a worried mom. My three year old daughter is terrified of public restrooms, to the point of hysteria if we enter one. On a recent trip to her grandparents, she refused to use a public restroom and was crying in pain because she needed to go. I stopped at a discount store to buy a potty chair, which solved the problem for the moment. But I can't cart that thing around a mall or through a museum. Can you offer some advice on how I may be able to coax her through this fear? I don't want her to be traumatized over using the restroom - it seems like that would lead to a regression in her toileting habits. But we need to move past this - it's been over four month since this started. Thanks!
This is a very real fear for children and you definitely did the right thing by acknowledging the problem and looking for a solution. You are also right about it not being realistic to expect you to carry around a potty chair everywhere you go. What about a travel potty seat insert which neatly folds into a flat disc to slip into a purse, stroller or small bag? If you use it at home, and then use it on the road, your daughter may become more comfortable as the seat will become familiar and her fear may dissipate.
Your daughter's fear could be related to a variety of factors - fear of falling in, fear of a strange place where she is expected to do something very private, fear of you not being with her - or it could simply be a generalized fear she is having due to being three and this too shall pass. But, in any case, you are correct to take actions to deal with the fear before it becomes a major source of trauma, for her AND for you. Seriously, children are like horses - they sense fear. The more relaxed you are about the situation, the more likely she will be too. In our book, we also discuss narration as a tool to use to help prepare children for a variety of situations. So, before venturing out, try to remind her to use the potty at home, inform her that there will be bathrooms available where you are going should she need one, and assure her that you will be in there with her and (if you have it) you will have her special potty seat in your bag.
As far as regression is concerned, it is quite common for children to regress at various levels of development. A three year old is learning a whole lot about the world around her and may decide that using a bathroom isn't the most important thing anymore. Try not to worry too much about it, as she gets more comfortable, she is bound to bounce back. As long as you continue to address her feelings with her, and not brush them aside, you will certainly help her grow into a confident young lady who does not fear the porcelain monster lurking in new places. We are certain you both will get thru this patch and your faces will "flush" with pride!
posted by Aviva @ 1:04 AM
2 Comments:
There are also kids who need to "see it to believe it" and no matter how much verbal reassurance you give, they aren't buying it. My youngest son was like that.
My son developed a temporary fear of public restrooms after using one with the automatic flushing toilets. I demonstrated for my son, using a cantalope, that there was no way his head would fit down the drain in the tub nor the hole in the toilet. Once he was able to see the melon and his head were about the same size and the melon wasn't fitting, or getting flushed, his anxiety disappeared. That melon went uneaten, of course, but it was well worth the sacrifice!
Both of my daughters have shown serious fear of public potties, but for different reasons. One daughter is incredibly fearful of the powerful flush of public potties. Most are just too loud for her. So, I actively cover her ears when she's ready to flush. We make a game of it & she laughs as long as I cover her ears.
My other daughter has to get "used to" any public potty she meets. She has to individually view each available stall and choose one potty in particular. She definitely has a dirt phobia. Any potty that shows a spec of dirt must be cleaned immediately. Once a potty is chosen, she sits on it for 5 seconds the first time. Gets down, looks at it, thinks about it and get on again. The second time she sits on it for about 10 seconds, and repeats the process. Usually after checking out the potty three or four times, she eventually goes. Or, she'll ask to go home to do her business.
Most of the time, I just roll with it. When going home isn't an option, I gently let her know that she will end up wetting herself if she doesn't go on the potties currently available because we don't have time to get home. At times she has wet herself. I don't normally carry an extra set of clothes with my anymore, so she is usually stuck with wet clothes. Since she knows the consequences, she eventually goes. (Note: I keep lots of extra papertowels in the car!)
But, it's a timely process!
Good luck!
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