"Give that back to your sister. NOW!" How about a different approach to *pacifying* sibling rivalry

Dear Devra and Aviva,
I have a son who is almost 2 and a daughter almost 4 months. Recently, my son has been taking the pacifier from his infant sister and running around with it in his mouth. Although she has usually dropped it first, on occasion, he actually removes it from her mouth. He exhibits no other signs of what could be interpreted as jealousy. In other ways he is a loving brother, showing constant concern for the baby and her whereabouts. He showers her with kisses and plays with her often. It seems he may be jealous that the pacifier is something only the baby has. I talk to him a lot about things that a big brother is allowed to have/do that a baby cannot. I try to give him his own things as replacements. He has had an occasional time-out. Any other suggestions to help me break this new cycle of pacifier theft?
Thanks,
At-home Mom of 2

You are on the right track. At 2 years old, your son realizes he is an individual who is independent from others but he can't totally comprehend that this little baby is a new member of his family who has all the rights and privileges of family membership. He does not yet have all the skills necessary to tell you about his feelings surrounding this new set up at home so he has chosen the pacifier theft as one method of communication. He knows it is something of great importance - the baby gets to put it in her mouth but it is not food; perhaps he has even seen the drastic behavior/mood changes that occur in both the baby and parents when the pacifier is missing or when it is given to pacify. Your son has discovered a hot button.

What to do? Be calm, consistent and caring in your approach to this problem. Continue to make sure he knows that it is never OK to take the baby's pacifier from her and offering him something in return is a great idea. You might try mixing it up a bit by keeping a stash of his toys in hiding, so when he does take the pacifier, you have something of his to offer that he isn't able to play with all the time. It might feel like something new and special.

If your son chooses to treat you to a temper tantrum, instead of disciplining in a traditional way, which you indicate isn't working (i.e. time out) why not try tickling your son or hugging him? This might help diffuse the anger in him as you will be giving him positive attention, which is most likely what he wants anyway but doesn't have the verbal skills to tell you.

Another approach you may want to try to incorporate is pointing out to your son the benefit to him if his sister is pacified. "Hey look, sister has her pacifier and is happy, so let's go paint, just you and me!" or "Hey, I don't hear any crying because you sister has her pacifier, let's go read a book, just you and me!" You can also play "find the pacifier" with him, by hiding a pacifier yourself and asking your son to help you find it so he can "take care of his baby." Let him be the one, under your supervision, to give his sister her pacifier. Try to give him a feeling of the baby being his too. Some day your son will probably be the one hunting for the pacifier instead of running off with it, especially if he can figure out, with your help, what's in it for him. And after all, that is the bottom line for toddlers. Right?