"Mommy, I'm bored!" Oh Wait. I'm the mom!
Hooray for freelance journalist Helen Kirwan-Taylor for having the guts to put on paper, "Sorry, but my children bore me to death!" The uproar about this article, illustrates a societal problem we are experiencing. Our children are taking over everything and the expectation is we are supposed to not only go along with this, but we are supposed to like it and be content with that kind of thing. When did we begin having children because they are entertaining? When did we become opening acts for our children's entertainment? This is not why parents and children exist. While the article starts with a bit of a harsh undertone, Kirwan-Taylor goes on to make a very good point: Women today are pressured to feel guilty and inadequate if they are not completly child-centric - having all aspects of their life revolve around children. This includes women who do not have children. Just look at some of the articles being written about pinning moms against women without kids. Crazy!
These days when you ask someone under the age of 18 (maybe even older) if they know how to twiddle their thumbs, chances are, you will get a blank stare. In trying to be everything for our children, we have done them a great disservice; they do not know how to cope with boredom. We are ending up with a generation that needs constant interaction, immediate gratification, has no patience and has no clue how to self entertain or self gratify. Does anyone recognize this is detrimental?
Kirwan-Taylor also makes a very good point about parents needing to be adults- people with hobbies, work, school, friends, etc. Again, if our children only see us as parents, how are they going to learn about what they want to be when they grow up? Sure they can become parents, but there are many more roles people have in the course of one's life. We must portray our entire selves to them - careers, hobbies, interests and disinterests (even if their favorite thing to do is our least favorite to watch). We seem to have no problem taking a holistic approach to health. Let's carry this over to adulthood.
I encourage you to read her article and find the real message for yourself. She tells you she loves her children. She and her children seem to have mutual respect for each other and value each others real interests - no pretending to be someone or something they are not. She chose to go out on a limb with a bold statement. The limb is definitely bending but let's hope it doesn't break before everyone gets a chance to crawl out onto the branch and show our children we can swing by our knees too.
posted by Aviva @ 11:46 PM
6 Comments:
DEVRA!
Sorry for the drive-by. I just had to say hi. Loved talking to you last weekend.
Helen Kirwan-Taylor's essay wasn't bold or courageous. It wasn't even an entertaining rant against an insane form of child-wroshipping by women who need their perspectives adjusted. It was self-indulgent dreck. Look, I understand if intelligent women don't want to be forced into a series of overly cutesy, child-worshipping activities. But if Kirwan-Taylor's real problem is with some sort of sugary-sweet kid-centric culture out there, then why couldn't she simply use her intelligence and imagination to come up with more imaginative and personally fulfilling ways to pass the time? Are we supposed to believe that the urge to buy yet another designer outfit or getting one's hair colored is somehow more adult and more mature by default?
It's high time that newspaper editors stop hiring their college buddies -- whose careers have stalled -- to take up valuable newspaper real estate to inflict their whining on the rest of us. I notice that an overwhelming number of these awful personal essays that 'debunk' the mythical wonders of motherhood are catharsis for White, well-to-do housewives who are either too mediocre or boring to figure out better ways of using their expensive liberal arts degrees. I have a suggestion for Kirwan-Taylor on how to end her boredom: divorce your husband, then get out in the world and get a real job. Maybe a few years as a single, working mother who cannot afford a nanny, regular trips to the hairdresser and idle afternoons at Harrod's ought to cure her 'boredom'.
Maybe motherhood at this time isn't really her thing. I realize that sounds awful, but I do think for some parents it is true we can be a "baby person" or find we "relate to teens well". It is possible she is merely at a place in her life where she isn't in sync with what her kids like to do and can't really find her groove.
Do you think if she had expressed herself like that it would have been easier to swallow? Would have appeared as less of a whine to you?
Actually, no. Personally, I'm not a 'teen' person. On the surface, they seem to be sulky, mooddy, secretive creatures who have NO USE for adults. Well, I've had to change my perspective lately, forcing me to learn to speak to and deal with, teenagers in a different way. I appreciate them more. I understand about those moods, and try to ride it out while looking forward to the time when they willingly come up and say or do pleasant things. Believe me, Kirwan-Taylor might think that her children are boring, but it's probably because she has not made an effort to understand her children's minds, therefore allowing her to spend time with them in more interesting ways.
Children do more than say and do cutesy things. Their concerns are not trivial. They are instinctive, insightful, and they have their own brand of wit and wisdom. We just have to listen for it.
Don't get me wrong. I am a hopeful mom myself, but I am not up for having one mindless, saccharine (sp?) conversation after another about my kids -- if they come. I won't over analyze everything that happens in their lives and I will have hobbies and interests aside from them.
What Kirwan-Taylor failed to do in her life, and in her article, was strike a healthy balance between her agenda and the needs of her children. She made a confession that some women would rather take to their grave, but it should not be confused with putting a social issue in the public forum for debate. I see article after article about these so-called 'Mommy Wars'. Most of them are pure angst about missing out on 'adult' conversations and exciting careers to tend potty. These educated women should instead use their resources to standardize child care in this country, so that working mothers do not take a financial hit to have a baby. A lot more is at stake here than a privileged mother who would rather ditch story time with her son to run off and get her nails done.
I think the social issues are getting lost in the media frenzy to keep the mommy wars "news". I agree. The mommy wars angle distracts from any real discussion that needs to be done in our society to improve conditions for children, caregivers and everyone who is working wherever that may be; office, cubicle, home, farm, anywhere.
This is why I made my statement on CrazedParent.org about how I feel those reporting the stories-journalists, writers, authors- need to refuse to include references to the mommy wars. It really is frustrating to open book after book and article upon article which only present problems, complaints and yes whining, and don't offer up solutions. The flip side is that when solutions are presented they are torn to bits without anyone considering the possibility of how they could be adjusted to work.
Child care is a total mess in our country and what is even more messed up is when anyone brings it up these days, the response in the media is "Oh those parents, whining about their child care issues when there are people who don't have kids and they have to work long hours." Again, this doesn't help either because it just sets up another "war" parent vs non-parent.
This new "war" distracts again from the larger social issue, revamping our world so NO ONE has to work insanely long hours, whether or not they have children.
Plus, if I am going to be forced onto a hamster wheel, then I would at least like to be able to go down a couple of sizes! ; )
I'm glad someone else recognizes that fact: less of this 'mommy war" stuff, and more pressure on legislators to create a set of humane, common sense policies that allow women to get the most out of their intellect and their mothering instincts.
By the way, I speak from the perspective of one who was brought up by, and surrounded by, working mothers. In my case, women worked to ensure the family's survival in a new country, not to ward off mental atrophy from singing nursery rhymes and attending PTA events. These women were tremendous: working long hours, studying to get advanced degrees -- and making delicious dinners every night! They were wonderful examples of women that found a way to be sharp in the office (or hospital ward) and the sort of great mothers that made you hot cocoa every night before bed. My mom didn't ooh and aah and every little thing I did. As for guilt for not showing up at PTA meetings -- hey, I took it upon myself to explain to teachers and vice principals that Mom was busy working and providing. These days, women should stop militarizing the motherhood experience, and quit listening to the fanatical zealots who pressure them to be Super Moms. Your children will adjust; they'll understand, and most importantly, they will grow up one day and with a few punches of the key board read all sorts of interesting internet posts on the motherhood experience.
I just think that writers like Kirwan-Taylor should be more responsible about what they permanently put 'on record' concerning their feelings about their kids. The media gatekeepers should move on to real stories!
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