Guilt-free Shopping

In the past few months, Aviva and I helped raise over $40,000.00 for programs which provide much needed guilt relief to parents, families and caregivers. Whether we are presenting at a fundraiser, donating books to needy causes or giving in-kind donations of services, we hold a strong commitment to community service projects and philanthropy. Occasionally we like to share news of something we find to be an easy way for others to get in on the action. So here ya go...

Recently we learned of an online auction benefiting The Doug Flutie Jr. Foundation for Autism. The auction is being run by a group called Sybermoms. The auction commences on April 6 with a 24-hour online auction and Friday evening, April 7th with a live online auction. So go check out the auction and see if you find a treat for yourself or your family while knowing you are doing something extraordinary.

Here is the link to register. SIGN UP

Once registered you can access the auction items. HERE

If you end up with some cool stuff, come back here and tell us!

Searching for Parentopia

Now that Devra and I have belonged to the blogosphere for a year, we thought we would celebrate this monumental occasion by sharing 12 terms used this past year to find our website:

How to get your son from farting

Diapered spouses

Brown goo that is on wall

Dirty looks

What does schmuck mean?

Brown sticky spots from floors

Crazy shoe day

Is it okay for a parent to date the babysitter or babysitters family

7 things you should not do after dinner

Sexy girls in Independence Kansas

The DaVinci Code

Hoarding Candy

However you found us, we are glad you did. Thanks for a great first year and we look forward to many more!

Si! Si! Si!

Es con mucho animo que anunciamos la traduccion de nuestra libro "Mommy Guilt" en español. Por favor, vuelvan a chequear nuestra website para mas detalles sobre
fecha de publicacion de nuestra edicion en español. Gracias.

And The Nominees Are....

Our book, "Mommy Guilt" has been nominated in the category of "Parenting" as a "Book of the Year for 2005"!




We also share this honor with two more friends and colleagues, who's books we respect and recommend:


Miriam Peskowitz "The Truth Behind The Mommy Wars: What Decides Who What Makes A Good Mother" (Seal 2005)


Amy Tiemann "Mojo Mom: Nurturing Your Self While Raising A Family" (Spark 2005)

Leslie Morgan Steiner's Book "Mommy Wars"

Haven't read the book. I'll just say that right up front. My comment at this point is based upon an excerpt I did read in the Washington Post. I was particularly interested in this Steiner quote from the article"
"Wouldn't we be far better off if we accepted and supported all good, if disparate, mothering choices? Aren't moms ultimately united in our quest to stay sane, raise good kids, provide each other with succor and support, and protect humankind from the overly aggressive, overly logical male half of the species? "

Huh? As the mother of two sons, what am I to think of Steiner's assumption of what I "quest" as a mother?

I was with her on the first few quests of moms; being united, raising good kids and providing succor and support. BUT those last two quests? No way! First of all last time I checked men were human too. Definitely counted as part of "humankind." Men are not the enemy. Bashing men is not necessary for mothers to be united. Particularly if mothers are also raising sons who will become men!

So if Steiner understands my "quests", I must ask:

How does it make sense that I, as a mother, would quest to protect my sons from the men they are to become? And why would I expect my son's will grow up to be "overly aggressive and overly logical" men?

I don't believe all men to be "overly aggressive and overly logical." This is Steiner's perception, she is taking her perception and applying it to all mothers. I don't think one needs to be a sociologist to understand sweeping generalizations about entire groups of people are unproductive and give others an indication to believe an individual may harbor their own prejudice. Steiner's perception is based upon her experience and, for her, this is her reality. Yet her statements are assuming everyone shares her reality. I know I don't and I strongly doubt I am the lone holdout.

My friend Tracy Thompson wrote an article for The Washington Post in 1998. I think it's time to drag it out, dust it off and re-read it. It's too important not to share!

I know! I know! It's my perception that it is an important article and I am making an assumption you will like it, but... Read it.

A "No Throw, No Catch" Tantrum Solution You May Wish to Try

This mom is brilliant! She sees a temper tantrum about to flare and she diffuses it by throwing one of her very own. She employs humor and self confidence to throw a tantrum in public. In doing so, this mom is demonstrating for her child, first hand, how a tantrum looks to other people What is terrific about her technique? No one is degraded! No yelling! It worked!

Maybe you watch the video and think "No way in hell would I do that." Okay, you don't have to. That is the beauty of being the parent, you can decide for yourself what works for you and your family, BUT in case you are a parent with a tantruming child and you are at your wit's end about finding a tool to fix the public debacle you are dealing with on a regular basis...Well, here you go. Another tool for your parental tool box!

Calling For A Change in Policy

The real "Mommy War" should be ALL MOTHERS UNITED (and fathers too!), fighting for individual, societal, cultural, economic and all other types of benefits and programs which could enrich everyone's lives, parent or not. Here's an idea, let's get everyone in on the action...

We don't need to pit parents and non-parents against each other either. Parent or not, aren't we all someone's kid? Children will grow into adults who will provide a whole slew of services for society, I am not aware of delineations made between those who receive their services as in "The Doctor will see you now." is not going to become "The Doctor will see you only if you were a parent."

Maybe it is the term "Family Friendly Policy" which makes people squirm, thinking the policies are being made only for parents, but really family extends much further. We all know of people who are responsible for giving care to relatives as well as friends. How about changing the term to "Caregiving Policy". Can you think of anyone who would be excluded? I can't.

Here is an example of how all of us can work together to enhance the work environment. Employers, why not accommodate nursing mothers? Employees, why not request the accommodations? Parent or not, why is it such a big deal to have a Pump Room? I think it makes more sense, and is certainly a healthier option, than a designated smoking area!

Take a look here. These blogging moms want to know how employers are accommodating mothers who pump at the workplace. If you have a story, please visit their site and participate in their project.

We will be posting more ideas about "Caregiving Policy" as we find them or think of them. Please leave your ideas in the comment section too. If we get enough of them, we will put them together and start sending them out to employers!

Public Pottying

Dear Aviva and Devra,

I was hoping you may have advice for a worried mom. My three year old daughter is terrified of public restrooms, to the point of hysteria if we enter one. On a recent trip to her grandparents, she refused to use a public restroom and was crying in pain because she needed to go. I stopped at a discount store to buy a potty chair, which solved the problem for the moment. But I can't cart that thing around a mall or through a museum. Can you offer some advice on how I may be able to coax her through this fear? I don't want her to be traumatized over using the restroom - it seems like that would lead to a regression in her toileting habits. But we need to move past this - it's been over four month since this started. Thanks!

This is a very real fear for children and you definitely did the right thing by acknowledging the problem and looking for a solution. You are also right about it not being realistic to expect you to carry around a potty chair everywhere you go. What about a travel potty seat insert which neatly folds into a flat disc to slip into a purse, stroller or small bag? If you use it at home, and then use it on the road, your daughter may become more comfortable as the seat will become familiar and her fear may dissipate.

Your daughter's fear could be related to a variety of factors - fear of falling in, fear of a strange place where she is expected to do something very private, fear of you not being with her - or it could simply be a generalized fear she is having due to being three and this too shall pass. But, in any case, you are correct to take actions to deal with the fear before it becomes a major source of trauma, for her AND for you. Seriously, children are like horses - they sense fear. The more relaxed you are about the situation, the more likely she will be too. In our book, we also discuss narration as a tool to use to help prepare children for a variety of situations. So, before venturing out, try to remind her to use the potty at home, inform her that there will be bathrooms available where you are going should she need one, and assure her that you will be in there with her and (if you have it) you will have her special potty seat in your bag.

As far as regression is concerned, it is quite common for children to regress at various levels of development. A three year old is learning a whole lot about the world around her and may decide that using a bathroom isn't the most important thing anymore. Try not to worry too much about it, as she gets more comfortable, she is bound to bounce back. As long as you continue to address her feelings with her, and not brush them aside, you will certainly help her grow into a confident young lady who does not fear the porcelain monster lurking in new places. We are certain you both will get thru this patch and your faces will "flush" with pride!

Clean Up Time

How can I help my 16 month old with cleaning up her toys (not doing it
for her)? She used to do a good job with it, but now at the mere mention of cleaning up she runs and hides under the kitchen table!

Try not to mention it. No, really. Rather than setting yourself up for a battle by mentioning cleaning, you may want to try a new tactic. For example, "Let's find all the puzzle pieces and put them in this bag. Good job! Now, let's get all the animals and put them in a box, etc..." The more fun you can make it, the easier it may be as well. Finding ways to turn cleaning into fun time can be simple when dealing with toddlers if you simply think like a toddler. Look for things that are the same color to pick up and put away. If you are cleaning stuffed animals or other soft objects, make a game out of tossing them in a box or laundry basket. Crank up the tunes and dance the things back into place. As your child gets a little older, you can also point out the fact that toys left strewn about often become lost or broken toys.

Try to take a step back and look at the logisitics of the situation. Are too many toys allowed out before clean up begins, making the task overwhelming? Are the toys kept in containers and locations easily accessible for a toddler? Can they be put away toddler fashion or are your expectations a little too high - do you want the books upright on the shelf, facing the same direction or is on the shelf good enough? Too many toys, streamline em. Set up some bins so the toddler can put the toys away herself, get rid of high bookshelves she can't reach. Piles are fine for a toddler, so let her pile the stuff in the area where you want. Eventually, she will be able to be neater, but for now, piles work.

When you find ways to enjoy the clean up time together as much as the mess up time, it makes it quick, easy and fun for everyone. Besides, a child who associates fun with keeping things orderly is a child who is likely to appreciate and enjoy a clean environment for years to come