How Fearless Can Be Fun

I had just turned the big 3 - 0, I had 2 young daughters and we had been in our house less than a year. I was approaching just about everything with a little fear and a lot of confusion. My family loved living in Loveland, the kids loved their schools, my husband had his new business and I had my hands in all of it to some extent. The only thing missing was something of my very own. You know, a social outlet or some kind of activity that didn't involve kids, husband or work.

I was flipping the pages of the local paper and saw an announcement for the first rehearsal of the Loveland Choral Society's spring production, Cruisin' thru the '50s. I had grown up singing and dancing my way through middle school and high school. I even took a voice performance class and taught ballet for a while in college. I hadn't sung in a choir for about 6 years, though and hadn't set foot on a stage for well over 10. I figured there was no harm in going to the first rehearsal, so on a cold January evening... off I went. My only fear was not being able to find the theater.

I arrived only to discover that this was no ordinary choral group. The show was to be a fully staged production with choreography and script. My heart began to race as a remembered all those past performances I had done. Then, it missed a beat as I heard the date for auditions. Anyone can sing in the chorus but auditions were to be held for solos and small groups. Without a second thought, I immediately decided I would be happy in the chorus. I hardly knew these people and had no idea what kind of talent I would be up against.

When I got home that night I told my husband how excited I was to have found this group. I told him the chorus would be great. He told me to just go audition. He was sure that since I had done this kind of stuff before, it would be a piece of cake. He has no idea how wrong he was. I was petrified. There were 2 more rehearsals before auditions so I told him I would think about it.

Well, 3 weeks passed and I figured I'd go for it. I showed up for my audition and I knew I was a wreck. When the musical director asked me about my experience, I casually rattled off about a dozen shows I had done in the past, many I even had leads in. Of course, I left out the little fact that it was all over a decade ago. The pianist began to play and, if nothing else, I showed my tremendous range! My voice was shaking so much I think I hit every note on the keyboard!! The director politely thanked me for coming in and I swore I would never set foot in that theater again!

Over the course of the next few days, I realized that the choreographer, Cindy, had a daughter at school with my daughter and we began to talk. I told her how nerve racking the entire experience had been for me and she assured me that she and the musical director had both heard worse ( I am fairly certain she was just trying to make me feel better). She convinced me to show up at rehearsal the next week and stay in the cast. I agreed to it and told her a little about my theater and dance background.

Fast forward to production week. It's the night before dress rehearsal and the young gal who was suppose to dance the tango, up and walks out - quits the show. Cindy asked if I thought I could do it. "Sure," I told her - no problem. I've been dancing since I was 3 years old. I got home, ripped apart my closet and found the perfect black lace dress (mother-in-law gift). At dress rehearsal the next night, I was ready. I had a 45 second costume change to go from cutesy little Elvis fan to sultry tango woman. I had one cast member whip off my red dress while the next one yanked on my black lace. I made the change and was back on stage... sort of. My tango partner had completely missed his cue and there I stood all alone when I heard a little voice say, "Aviva, I don't think we got your dress on quite right." I looked down and the black lace was all that existed between the people in the theatre and the bottom half of my body. In the course of pulling the dress on over my head, the lining was stuck on my chest. Yes, here I am - new member and exhibitionist! We fixed the dress, my partner arrived and the rehearsal continued. The next night, I stepped into the dress instead. Live and learn, right!

It's been 10 years since all of that began (now you all know how old I am...) and you know what? For the last 8 of those years I have not only continued to perform with the group but became the stage director. You see, after baring all (literally) to the group, I figured I better save face (and ass) somehow. I began by making subtle suggestions for improvements, then doing a little choreography and before I realized what had happened, I was completely embraced by the group and asked to lead them. I still get nervous on stage - I'd probably be more worried if I didn't get a bit of that nerve adrenaline going - but being part of this group is more fun than most people should legally be allowed to have!

And now, my blog friends, it is off to opening night of season 10!

On Becoming Fearless: Welcoming Arianna Huffington's Newest Edition

As we mentioned earlier this week, today is Fearless Friday and we are posting as part of MotherTalk's blog bonanza. Here is the description of what this means:

During a Blog Bonanza, bloggers everywhere write about a single topic on the same day, and on that day we’re able to click from blog to blog, reading our friends thoughts, finding new wisdom, having as close to a major conversation as blogging might allow. On a Blog Bonanza day, we can really feel the close community we’re creating as moms, parents, women, writers who blog.

Fearless Friday is about On Becoming Fearless, and sharing our experiences with fearlessness.

I've always been seen as a fairly gutsy gal. Which frankly has made my own mother fearful for me on many occasions. I've heard "Devra, do you really think that it's wise to do that?" or "Devra, maybe you should say it differently so no one gets mad?" or "Devra, what if that person doesn't like it?" but the one fearful question that stuck out in my mind and spurred me on to be utterly fearless was, "Devra, aren't you scared you might get fired?"

When my mother posed that question, and I heard the answer right away in my head, I realized that my mother and Miles from Risky Business were responsible for my fearlessness. How the hell does that work? Read on...

My mother was often fearful of the unknown and expressed to me her own hesitancy in regard to decision making. She understood she herself had learned to be fearful from her parents. Immigrants who came through Ellis Island who feared that anything they did achieve could be stripped from them if they made the wrong decision or angered the wrong person. My grandparents had escaped Pogroms, they knew a little bit about what happens if the wrong person gets angry. A person could get themselves killed.

Fear kept my grandparents alive, it got them to safety. Allowed them to begin a new life. But those scary experiences made it difficult for them not to wash over their children with their own fear. Yup, that "Land of Opportunity" we have come to recognize as the United States of America, was also a hotbed of fear for my family.

When I I received my first job straight out of grad school, my mother recognized this as a wonderful opportunity and would secure my future as having earned an advanced degree meant I had an excellent chance of supporting myself. But now as I explained the decision I had made regarding my job and how I was willing to put it all on the line I believed the time had come to stand up for what was right. Right for the situation, right for my clients and right for me. But my mother felt horribly wrong about what I was telling her.

Which brings us back to that question she asked me, "Devra, aren't you scared you might get fired?" Her fear was based in reality, because she may have been channeling the fears my grandparents had passed on to her, and adding those to her own fears of me losing my first great job and possibly screwing my chances for a new one. I had told my mother about my supervisor's threat "Anyone asking for a transfer will be fired." He didn't sound like he would be open to negotiations. Period.

I wasn't scared at all. No fear whatsoever in fact. Deep down I knew I would never be held back by anyone else's fear. Not even the well intentioned ones of my own mother. And what helped to cement my decision to be fearless? Oddly enough one of the factors factors contributing to my fearlessness was , despite my mother's fears, she had always encouraged me to make informed decisions and had not washed me over with her own fear. She always made it quite clear that the fear she expressed to me, belonged to her. She established a clear boundary of where her fear ended and my fearlessness should begin. She gave me freedom to do my own thing, even when it scare the crap out of her to give it to me. Which now brings me to the other factor in my becoming fearless.

In the film "Risky Business" Miles says the following to Joel :

Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.
Say "what the fuck."... If you can't say it, you can't do it.

When I heard that line, bells and whistles went off in my head! YES! This is true! THIS is what will be my mantra. And it was this mantra that I chanted on my way to ask my supervisor for a transfer. "What the fuck."

"What the fuck. If I am fired from a job that is making me miserable, then I will have the freedom to find another job that will give me the opportunity to do the kind of work I know I am capable of doing and this in turn will not only benefit me, it will also benefit the clients I will serve in the future."

And then I said it again "What the fuck. If I don't get fired, then I will be transferred and will then enjoy the freedom of knowing I am a valued professional and my supervisor will have demonstrated he believes I am worthy of a different opportunity and I will know my future will be just fine."

Miles was right. Sometimes you just gotta say "What the fuck." I got that job transfer and my mother and I both learned a valuable lesson On Becoming Fearless.

MotherTalk Blog Tour: Arianna Huffington's On Becoming Fearless

Arianna Huffington shared a bed with Al Franken. Al Franken shared an elevator with Devra Renner. Devra Renner shared a cabin at summer camp with Aviva Pflock. Aviva Pflock shared her gene pool with her daughter Arianna Pflock. Arianna Pflock and Arianna Hufffington share the same first name.

What does all of that fascinating information have to do with anything? Fear not. We shall explain...

Now we know who we all are, and "When we know who we are", according to Arianna Huffington, "we can overcome our fears and insecurities."

As soon as we began reading Arianna's book On Becoming Fearless, she had us at "Introduction"

"I will provide a road map for achieving fearlessness in every aspect of our lives, a straight-to-the-point manifesto on how to be fearless. How to be bold. How to say what we need to say and do what we need to do in a way that has us embracing, not fearing, the reactions of others." (p. 9)

We've kept that map, and when you come back here on April 27th's Fearless Friday Bonanza and read about Devra's experience with her first grown-up job, how Risky Business provided her a mantra for fearlessness and then you will see even more of how Arianna's map works:

"Why speaking out is almost always better than silence. How to assess what's holding us back from being our best, most honest selves and what we must do to change. Why the world will be a better place if we actively work for the things we want and believe in." (p. 9)


On that very same Fearless Friday Bonanza, you will read Aviva's account of her trip back to the future as Aviva describes her decision to dance and sing, get up and do her thing and how the decision to be fearless decreased her own guilty feelings about having a guilty pleasure:

"I'm convinced that once you become a mother-whether you stay at home or work--when they take the baby out,they put the guilt in. From that moment, both baby and guilt start growing. And as our children grow up, the fear that we're never good enough, that we're never doing enough, only becomes more intense." (p. 68)

Fear not as you wait for Friday to arrive, as we have your first fearless assignment ready: You're going to venture out and read: MojoMom, MUBAR, The Mom Trap, Baggage and Bug, Sundry Mourning, Pundit Mom, Rookie Mom, Just Another Ink-Stained Wretch, and MomsRising.

Then at the end of the week, you will overcome any insecurity you may have and Find Parentopia!

See you on Fearless Friday, because if you don't show up, we'll give you a reason to "be afraid, be very afraid."

Virginia Tech Tragedy

We offer our condolences and support to the parents, students and faculty, and others,whom have lost their loved ones and/or are keeping watch over the injured and walking wounded associated with this terrible tragedy which occurred at Virginia Tech.

There is much sensationalism going on, our colleagues who teach on the VT campus describe it as a "media circus" and it is repugnant to them as the situation is far too raw right now and privacy is at a premium. We do not wish to add to the invasion of privacy for those whom are dealing with a plethora of emotions bubbling up from the tragic events of the past 24 hours.

Instead we offer ourselves as a resource, just as we did during Hurricane Katrina and currently do for our military and their family members, friends, etc.

We are here for anyone who needs some support, bereavement assistance or would like to know about ways to explain this tragedy to their children, if necessary. Please, please keep your kids away from the media coverage. It will be difficult for kids, especially very young ones, to understand what has happened. The repetition of the broadcasts can be really confusing and scary, especially to young children who are unable to put the events in context and may be frightened that the shootings are happening "over and over" again. Children also may not realize how far away (or how close) Virginia may be from their own homes and this can on anxiety too.

For some of us this tragedy may trigger our own emotions and we may be caught off guard as we are reminded about other past losses we have experienced, this is normal too. So if you find yourself feeling out of sorts and may not be able to put a finger on it as to the reason, you too may be experiencing an unexpected grief reaction.

Let us all take a collective deep breath. And if you find you can't catch your breath, we're here and we're offering you an oxygen mask.

And a hug. A big one.

Devra and Aviva

Friday! Friday! Friday! TGIMTF's!

Thank God It's MotherTalk Fridays!

Every Friday please join us as we participate in a cross-posting bonanza which is the brainchild of our dear sisters at MotherTalk!

Every Friday blogmigas (and definitely blogmigos too) will be posting on a topic that relates to a brand new book which we feel will be of value to parents and the communities in which they live. The topic will be provided by MotherTalk and there will be prizes (Who among us wouldn't want a new AND autographed book?) for posts which truly exemplify the purpose behind presented topic.

Now, we also want you to know that this isn't a "gang" and you need not be jumped in. If you want to participate as a blogger, please email Miriam.

The purpose of the Friday Bonanza is not to have an "in" group, the purpose is to share the love of books and support authors. Why not help by getting the word out about the books they are writing and the topics they are addressing. This is what we LOVE about MotherTalk!

Friday! Friday! Friday! April 27th, let's all meet back here on our blog for "MotherTalk's Fearless Friday" as we celebrate the release of Arianna Huffington's paperback edition of "On Becoming Fearless" and then let's all go running around the blogosphere to check out who else is posting on that day and what they are MotherTalkin' about!

Is Confession the answer? 'Fess up and tell us what you think!

Guilt and confession are often linked together in faith communities. But what about as it relates to parenting?

A shout-out goes to ChiTown based Marketing Mommy, who blogged about True Mom Confessions which allows moms make anonymous confessions about how we may feel about parenting. The parenting could be our own, how we were parented or how we feel others are parenting.

What do you think? Do you find reading confessions to be soothing or disturbing? Do you feel the site helps alleviate the "sanctimommy" in some of us? Do you believe confessing helps absolve mommy guilt?

Whatcha think?

WaPo- The Finale on the Mommy Guilt Back Story

Lo and behold I did receive a response from the Washington Post over a week later. The journalist's editor wrote to me on behalf of the Executive Editor. Let's just say I expect and understand that no editor wants to throw his writer under a bus, and this editor was no exception to that rule.

Ever since I had hung up the phone on March 20 , my instinct had been telling me there was a reason behind this journalist's unprofessional conduct and the reason was more than my asking, "Dude, where's my credential?"

After reading the editor's response citing St. George's "fine record" at the Post. I still had that same gut instinct gnawing at me. Maybe there was a reason rooted in a past life experience?

If so, I think I may have found a possible reason...

Go check out what Slate Magazine Editor-At-Large, Jack Shafer, had to say about St. George's work, here and here in 2004.

While you are clicking away, go visit Momfidence and read what Paula Spencer posted on her blog about her recent experience with Newsweek. (owned by the same company as The Post, BTW) and read Paula's account of how other women authors are having similar experiences with not being credited appropriately in some media outlets. (Pssst WaPo! It's not about ego. It's actually about ethics and common sense.)

It's simple stuff. I told The Truth, The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth to the Post and,unfortunately, their employee is holding out on them. Which is definitely more their problem than mine. I have said all that I needed to say and what they choose to do with the information, is now up to them to handle on their own. I don't need, nor want, to be involved in it any longer. And so I am done.

I've been heard by the Post. I know this.

Those who know me, know the truth.

I am pretty confident someday the Post will know it too.

Thank you again to my colleagues, friends and family for your support!

And with that, I look forward to the start of a new and exciting decade in my life... beginning tomorrow!

Just because you read it, doesn't mean you need to believe it: Getting beyond the recent guilt inducing headlines.

Extra! Extra read all about it! It's front page news just for moms! If you buy into what is being sensationalized and reported in the headlines these days about motherhood you too can feel instantly guilty about your past, present and future parenting decisions. Oh how wonderful! Yay you! Pick up your phone and tell all your friends to panic right along with you! Call your own mother, make her feel it too!

I think the media gambles on the idea that very few people will take the time to dig deeper into a headline and research the stories that are blasted on the pages as "news." We are all stretched for time and even if we aren't, time just whizzes by at warp speed, so news one second is history the next. 15 minutes of fame is now 15 seconds.

As a matter of fact, recent chatter on the blogosphere has focused on how quickly misinformation is now spread. While some of what we get from the media is pertinent information much of it these days is crap. It is always up to us to use our filters and figure out what is worthwhile to us in our lives. This means sometimes we've got to go beyond the headline and ask of ourselves "Does this matter to us?" and then "Why?" Because if we take the information at face value, often we can be left feeling judged by the masses or second guessing our ourselves and those around us. And that self-doubt. Those judgements. They fill up the guilt-o-meter at record speed!

You see, there was once a time when news was actually news worthy. It informed us, and often educated us, and a front page placement of a story meant there was going to be a reporting of events deserving of our attention. And now? Forget it! There is a line blurred between that which is "news" and that which is not, and everyone covering this stuff seems to be fighting for our attention like a 4 year old when the telephone rings. Flashy headlines have the power to turn a 1% difference in behavior into a 100% guilt inducing situation.

But here is another kicker, that the media is aware of: Research requires time, energy and desire. All very admirable qualities which vie for our attention - and attention these days is a highly valuable commodity as well as difficult to get a hold of for very long. So that being the case, I prefer to apply them to what is significant to me.

Time: My favorite quote is from John Lennon,"Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans." I would expand that to say, "Statistics are what change while we spend time analyzing them." I'd rather spend my time doing what I need to do and let other people fret about what they want to fret about. Their fretting doesn't need to be my fretting. It's great to be fret free when you can be!

Energy: Mine is expelled on 1 husband, 2 dogs, 3 kids in 3 schools with 3 different interests running in 10 different directions and, last but most definitely not least, ME. And those interests aren't always in the order I listed either! That's right baby, sometimes I am Numero Uno!

Desire: Please refer to the 1 husband listed above.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with being a research loving Alpha Mom. I'm just saying I prefer Beta or even Gamma, and on some days I can even be described as Zeta.

I admit it, my "research" consists of what I read in the paper and what I can find on- line when I get a few minutes. But when I read in my local paper, which covered that Daycare issue, and see their own spin, which stated that the research defined child care as "10 or more hours a day with a care giver other than the mother." I am rocketed into remembering that Dads usually aren't lumped in with daycare providers. Hmm, what about a father? That headline made me consider the following:

If the parents work opposite shifts so one of them is always home or if Mom works while Dad is the at-home parent, is the article now claiming the time with Dad is considered "day care"? !

I also read something else buried in the article. There is a 1% difference in disruptive behavior between kids in 6th grade who had spent time in child care and those 6th graders who did not.

Let me spell it out. ONE PERCENT!

Does anyone really think I need to take that seriously (or for that matter that anyone needs to take it seriously)? I despised statistics in high school but I do recall that 1% is more akin to margin of error than a statistically significant deviation or determination. As for us spending 38% more time on caregiving activities than mothers of past generations... let's just say I have LOTS of questions about a statement that is about as clear as mud. Or if we are going to be academic about it, we'll label it "ambiguous."

These are the kind of "societal influences" that can contribute to Mommy Guilt when we get roped into thinking the researchers and media play a more important role in raising our kids than we do. Did generations of mothers feel guilty before us? Absolutely. But my mother's guilt wasn't based upon the front page headline of the New York Times. Just ask her, she'll tell you!