Dumbledore's Gay. Now what?

ABC News.com posed the question, "Dumbledore's Gay: Does Anyone Care?" I suppose the follow up question for parents would be "Dumbledore's Gay: Now what?"

Here's what I'm doing. I am saving this article to read and discuss with my older son. I point out to my son examples of gender stereotypes. We also talk about religious stereotypes, ethnic stereotypes and even economic ones. With the outing of Dumbledore, I realized we've not yet addressed stereotypes of homosexuality and it occurs to me, we should.

And so we shall.

Whenever I share my own world view, my son shares his with me too. Sometimes he's not sure about what he thinks, and we talk about that too. I've also admitted to him when I've changed my mind. My highschool biology teacher was fond of telling students, in his heavy southern drawl, "You can change your mind if you have one." So I let my son know, as we grow older or collect different life experiences, our world view may change and/or adjust. Totally expected. Part o'life. Do I let him know my hopes for him? Sure. Do I let him know our expectations? You bet.

The key is to keep the conversation open, honest, age appropriate and infuse humor whenever possible. And when any one's had enough talk on a topic? Keep things open ended by offering "We can talk about it more later" and be agreeable that either person can bring it up again in the future.

I can't tell you how many times I've had parents tell me they dreaded having to talk about -sex, drugs, rock and roll- you name it, with their kid, only to realize once the conversation actually got started, it was far easier than they ever imagined.

But before you begin a conversation, do consider "Is this a conversation we need to have now? Later? Never? Soon?" and "Is this a one shot convo, or will I need to revisit this more as my offspring get older?" Often parents get worked up about "missing" a teachable moment. For most of us, we've got years of parenting ahead of us, and many opportunities to talk with our kids! Talking about our values, ideas and principles isn't always easy, but it may help you to relax a bit about it when you consider these conversations as ongoing and not just one time events during the course of your parenthood.

When you think about that way, you'll be able to answer any "Now what?" with confidence because you'll have a better idea about the next step you want to take.

Dumbledore is a Magician Gay

Well, Dumbledore is out of the closet and the world is shocked. Or is it? Devra and I are proud to push aside the clothes, the skeletons and the mothballs to tell you exactly how our families took the news.

I will admit, aside from a few pages of "family read-a-loud" time, I haven't read any of the books. I am strictly a movie watching Potter fan. When I saw the headline, I blew it off as nothing. I saw no purpose to the information and I didn't even bother to read the article. It didn't matter to me. I know lots of gay people and I've never known any of their abilities (magical or otherwise) to be effected by their sexual orientation. I decided it was either a publicity stunt or Rowling didn't find it to be earth shattering. She was just stating what she had known all along. I mean, come on, why should we find it shocking to discover gay characters in literature - fictional or not.

My 15 year old daughter found the news... silly, ridiculous and, quite frankly, non-newsworthy. As a child who re-read the entire set every time a new book was released, she has a vast knowledge of Harry, Dumbledore and all the other characters involved in the series. Was she devistated by such a fact being revealed after all this time. No. Her only devistation was in not discovering it herself. So, of course, she is now determined to re-read the entire series in search of clues! She explained to me that the movies don't follow each book all that closely anyway, so what difference would it make if they portrayed the gay thing or not. It doesn't change the story.

My husband - just as avid a fan but with an incredible memory and, therefore, no need to re-read with each new release - laughed out loud as he read the headline in our local paper. He couldn't figure out why Rowling would find it necessary to even mention such a thing.

My 12 year old daughter could care less. It has nothing to do with the clothes she will be wearing this week or the social events she has planned for this weekend so why should she waste her time on it.

My 6 year old son - Honestly, we haven't mentioned it to him. He isn't at an age to comprehend the concept so why bother.

Overall, I can say the news has not changed the way we feel about the series. The books are still great fun to read (so I've been told), the movies are still full of entertainment, magic, mystery and action, and the idea of a magical world still intrigues all of us far more than the school master's lack of female companionship. Oh no, I've never noticed Professor McGonagall with a man. Do you suppose she could be a lesbian?

Now, be sure to come back and read Devra's post!

BlogHers Act: The MOTHERS Act

Last year my friend Tracy Thompson's book "The Ghost In The House: Real Mothers Talk About Maternal Depression, Raising Children, and How They Cope " was published. I was one of the lucky ones who got to read a few chapters before it hit the bookstore shelves. I thought (and still do, dammit!) it to be brilliant, insightful and informative. I figured it would fly off the shelves and Tracy would have a best seller on her hands. As a clinical social worker, I'm quite familiar with how common depression is among mothers, particularly new ones. I figured moms would scoop it up. Doctors would recommend it. The media would be all over it. And most importantly, mothers and others would benefit from the stories Tracy had gathered as well as what Tracy had experienced and written about. I was confident a destigmatizing of depression would be on the horizon and utterly obtainable. Finally!

But it didn't work that way.

Why? Believe it or not she was told the topic of maternal depression was, get this, "Too depressing" and magazines would not cover the topic and discuss her work for fear their readership would become too bummed out. Seems to me their readership needs to know about depression since so many moms have it and may not even realize they have maternal depression. According to Tracy,"the stigma associated with discussing PPD is especially fierce."

Many cases of PPD go undiagnosed. Depression, particularly in new moms, gets easily masked by other symptoms; being tired, being hungry, gaining weight, losing weight, sleeplessness, too much sleep, irritability, tearfulness, sadness, anger, worthlessness, frustration, guilt...the list goes on. Bottom line another set of eyes and ears can make a hell of a difference between suffering and soaring thru motherhood.

Contact your senator. Let them know you expect their support for The MOTHERS Act and help obtain education, prevention, treatment and support for at least, as Tracy calls it, "just one chapter of maternal depression".

Hey, approving The MOTHERS Act would be one small step for our lawmakers and one giant leap for mom-kind!

Delurk and tell us what you want legislators to know about your life and what you need

We've got some big ears listening to us right now. On Wednesday we met with a senate staffer on Capital Hill to discuss family/care giving policies in our country. Here is the question we were pondering:

What kind of policy can everyone, regardless of political affiliation, support? What would get parents motivated to get to the election booth? Our demographic is low at the polls, but there are definitely policies being discussed on The Hill that families need to discuss and learn about. If you could choose one type of caregiving policy to support and actually vote for, what would it be?

Is it universal health care? Paid vacation? Paid sick days? Universal respite care? A 30 hour work week with no "exempt" status to justify some having to work 70 hour weeks? Something else?

What? Name it! What is your numero uno concern?

We will be following up on our discussion and meeting with more folks on The Hill. So let us know what you want from our legislative system.

We want to help make it happen! So let us hear your voice and tell us what you want and we'll make sure we get it to those big ears!

Congratulations Andi and Miriam, and Meagan! Their latest books are hitting the shelves. Check out Daring Book For Girls and Table For Eight

Last year Devra and her son reviewed the book "The Dangerous Book For Boys" as part of the MotherTalk Blog tour. The companion book, "The Daring Book For Girls" is on it's way to your neighborhood bookstore and beyond.

We'll have more later about Miriam and Andi's book, but for now, why don't you sit back, relax and watch this.

If you have a large family, are thinking about increasing your family, come from a large family or just need something more empathetic to offer than, "You must have your hands full!" We want you to know about Table For Eight by Meagan Francis.

John Walsh Almost Ran Me Over. My Bad

The John Walsh, who is most known as host of America's Most Wanted, but here at Parentopia we recognize him as a co-founder of The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children and utterly dedicated children's advocate.

See this picture? John and Devra. Devra and John. Happy. Smiling. Neither of us suspecting what would happen next.

Shortly after this picture was taken I was walking across the parking lot, not paying any attention whatsoever to my surroundings, engrossed in converstation and felt a sharp tug at my sleeve from one of the women walking with me. I stopped, looked up and to my left as, John Walsh behind the wheel of a big SUV, was heading my way. I am deeply grateful to Chandra for pulling me back although I think we're the only ones who realized what had almost happened.

I'm not even sure John Walsh was aware of my pedestrian carelessness. (However had he had his window down, he would have heard me exclaim, "Holy Crap! That's John Walsh at the wheel! You just saved me from what could have been a very embarassing moment! Thank you!)

John wasn't barreling through a crowd of people or driving like a madman, he was testing a new system being offered by OnStar, the true purpose of our little intersection. Which, despite my little oversight was very safe. Everyone there was wearing protection. Seatbelts people. We were all wearing seatbelts!

I had been invited* to the OnStar/GM press conference and attended wearing both my DC Metro Moms Blog and Parentopia hats. John Walsh appeared at the event to endorse OnStar Stolen Vehicle Slow Down which is believed to be a potentially lifesaving service which could help protect children. According to Walsh,


1. If a vehicle is carjacked and there is a child in the car, the police will have the ability to locate the vehicle and slow it down with the help of OnStar advisors. Thus preventing a child from being abducted to a secondary location or just being left by the side of the road.


2. If police are chasing a stolen vehicle, OnStar advisors can slow the vehicle down, thus preventing a police chase from ending in tragedy. So something like this could be prevented.

Is the system sort of like Big Brother? In a way, it kinda is and there was a question from a New York Times reporter who expressed concern about exactly how the service would work if someone wanted to use the other OnStar services and did not want the SlowDown Service. The answer to that question is the SlowDown service has an "opt out," so you can still use the other OnStar services even if you choose not to participate in the SlowDown Service.

I did get to experience how the system works as Brian Armstead from XM Radio's AutoSense took the wheel and riding shotgun was On Wheels Washington Post columnist Warren Brown. I sat in the back because I forgot to bring my driver's license. (Note to self, when invited to a AUTO event, bring license. Duh.) As Brian gunned the engine, our OnStar representative explained that we would be simulating a situation where the car Brian was driving had been stolen by drug dealers and the police were in hot pursuit.

From the back seat I casually ask, "Did anyone remember to bring the crack?"

Our high speed chase lasted about 5 minutes. The OnStar system reduced the speed of the vehicle, a woman's voice spoke to Brian, informing him that the vehicle was being slowed down and he needed to pull over to a safe location and wait for law enforcement. I think in our collective mind we all expected, "Pull over, scumbag!" but it was more akin to Logan's Run in a stolen vehicle. Overall, we agreed the test drive indicates concept works and works smoothly.

As we walked across the parking lot, this time with me rotating my head like a barn owl, Warren introduced me to Vern Golf, Executive Vice President of Marketing and Advertising for Precious Times Magazine. Vern generously gave me a copy of the magazine. Obviously I don't represent the demographic for the magazine, Black Christian Women, but given my degree from Grambling State University, I feel included in this community.

On my metro ride home, I read the magazine from cover to cover. There were some double takes by other riders. But not any different from Warren Brown's reaction to learning I earned my MSW here, nor the time I was at a coffee shop wearing my GSU alumni shirt and reading our book club selection "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings," which spurred on a conversation with a man who kept staring at me and finally walked over to my table to say, "I'm tryin' to figure it all out" given the shirt, the book and my skin. Turns out he went to Howard. And then there was the time I was on a local panel of the National Hospice Foundation's Bereavement Teleconference where panelists represented a variety of faith communities and discussed how each responds to grief. As my credentials were announced, the AME minister seated next to me whipped his head around and then we all heard the moderator, "Let me explain Brother Jackson's whiplash..."

People often ask me what it was like to attend a primarily Black university, my answer is always the same, "It was wonderful and one of the best decisions I ever made." How can you not feel proud of being a part of a university community where the motto is "Everybody is Somebody?" As a social worker, I couldn't ask for a more perfect place to have on my vitae.

Which brings me back to the purpose of this post, hearing John Walsh speak was inspiring and I am glad I had the opportunity to meet him and learn about the OnStar Slowdown service. I have two wishes though, 1) the system didn't require a paid subscription and 2) it was available in every single car and not limited to GM/Saturn products.

My overall opinion is this service may be more useful in some areas of the country than others. For example I don't see The Huz's family living in rural Wyoming subscribing, but I do see my father being interested since he has experienced having one of these stolen when he lived in NYC.

While there are indeed unfortunate situations where a vehicle may be stolen with a child inside despite the best of intentions and obvious attempts to keep a child safe, ultimately kids should not be left alone in cars.

*Aviva and I are often approached by PR firms seeking our endorsement or a mention on our blog. We consider every solicitation carefully. Reason being is we only support services, products and events which are in agreement with our world view. Admittedly this makes us sound somewhat self-important and snotty, but integrity means a hell of a lot to both of us. The responsibility of being regarded as "expert" is one we both take seriously. We are committed to having consistent standards and this means putting our reputation behind products and services we can honestly, and without hesitation, recommend. I received no financial compensation for attending the OnStar event, but I did eat half a bagel, drank coffee and later ate a sandwich and drank a diet coke. The GM and PR folks were gracious and attentive hosts and I thank them for their invitation.

And The Winner of the Parentopia Caption Contest is Kate!

Kate from Temporary Sanity is the winner of our caption contest.! Kate wins a "It's My Life" t-shirt, just like the one Devra is sporting, and a bottle of Mommy's Time Out Wine.

Senator's Inner Monologue: I will not stare at her tits. I will not start at her tits. Oh god, words on her shirt. I will not stare at her tits.

Devra: Did you ever learn how to read? How long are you going to stare at the words on my shirt?

We are awarding an honorary mention to lapa because while we are pretty certain the comment was left for another purpose, oddly enough, it works.



Senator Dodd: TOP PORTUGUESE UNIVERSAL WRITER: CRISTOVAO DE AGUIAR!
He has, also, translated into Portuguese the Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith.
He has been awarded several prizes. Don't forget the name of this great author, you'll be hearing of him soon.

Devra: Thank you for spending time in Universal Culture.

Senator Dodd: Thanks for visiting.

*Everyone knows this is all in fun. We have the utmost respect for Senator Dodd and what he has done, and continues to do, in support of our Nation's families!

Feeling Drained? Fear Not!

When my son was three he became afraid of being "fired." This was long before The Donald. Not sure where he came up with the idea he could be "fired" for opening the front door without permission, "fired" for hitting his brother, or "fired" for refusing to brush his teeth. But truth be told, we let him think it as it seemed to be an effective tool he used to self regulate his behavior. The beauty of it was he came up with the concept and we never even had to act on it. He still has his childhood to this day and hasn't even missed a day of work!

Not too long ago a mom friend shared with me a story about her child being afraid of the bathtub. This sparked my memory of a reader who shared her concern about her child's fear of automatic toilets. I went back and looked at the post and realized I had left a comment chronicling how my own son had gotten over his fear of the toilet and the tub.

Feels like the right time to bring that story back into the daylight since the concern is bubbling up again.

I think it's safe to say when our children are scared we want so much for them to feel safe, and it's common for parents to feel lousy if our kid is afraid and we can't figure out what is going on . Some fears are based upon magical thinking, which is an ordinary occurrence in child development and isn't at all about poor parenting practices. Do parents ever experience guilt when our kids experience fear? You bet.

There will be times during parenthood, when we will be able to follow our child's thought patterns as if a trail of crumbs and other instances where trying to figure out why your child is suddenly melting down seems more complicated than coming up with a plan for world peace. And truth be told, you'd rather run to Camp David than face another scream filled second in Target.

Let's talk about angst baby...

When my son was about 18 months old he suddenly became afraid of taking a bath and of being anywhere near a toilet. Initially I thought he had developed a fear of the water, but it came to pass he was actually afraid of being sucked into the bathtub drain or flushed down the toilet. Which is a fairly common fear among the toddler and pre-school set.

I don't remember how I finally made the connection, but somehow I got the message. Now that I understood the issue, the question was "Now what do I do about it?"

So I grabbed a tape measure and my son and we went to the nearby grocery store. We headed to the produce department whereupon I measured my son's head. I then grabbed a cantaloupe and measured it. After determining it was approximately the same size as my son's head, we purchased said melon.

Once home, I filled our bathtub with the same amount of water used for my son's bath. I again measured the melon and my son's head. Then I placed the melon in the tub. My son sat on my lap, hit the lever and we both watched the water drain from the tub.

My son could see for himself, the melon wasn't going down the drain.

However, our work here was not yet complete. There was the flushing fear too.

After the bath water had drained from the tub, I picked up the melon and put it in the toilet. I asked my son to please flush the toilet. Again we watched as the melon failed to disappear. My son gleefully flushed the toilet again.

Again my son saw the melon would not go down the hole in the toilet. Together we talked about the melon being the same size as the biggest part of his body, his head, and if the melon couldn't get flushed or go down the drain, then neither could he.

Melon was there, fear wasn't. Done!

No more tears for fears here.

Got any scary stories of your own? Got any fear busters that work?

Are you there (Senator) Dodd? It's me, Devra- Caption Contest- Delurk and Enter before time runs out!

Recently I was reunited with Senator Dodd and the moment was captured by Dodd's official photographer.

Write a caption for the photo and win a "Take Control Of Your Life T-Shirt" and a bottle of Mommy's Time Out Wine. Read a review of the wine over at The Whinery.

Winner will be announced on October 9th!

Note: post updated to add information about the wine!

2nd Note: Thank you to Kate at Temporary Sanity who emailed me and let me know there was a problem and Blogger wasn't cooperating when she tried to leave a comment. If anyone else had this problem, the issue has been resolved. Not sure what was going on, but it should be fixed now! Thank you again for watching our collective back Kate!

President Just Said No To SCHIP

Let us get this straight.

This is the same President who doesn't want any children left behind? Yes.

This is the same President who vetoes a children's health care bill with bipartisan support? Yes.

Does this decision make Democrats happy? No.

Does this decision make Republicans happy? No.

It is okay to allow our most vulnerable population of children go uninsured? No!

Is there something you/we can do about it? Yes!

Let's turn the beat around and immediately contact your Representative!

Not too long ago there was a piece written in the San Jose Mercury news where

a reporter chose to define "specific parenting issues" as "after-school child care" and "paying for college education" and proceeded to discount parents being interested in "healthcare, global warming or the war in Iraq" because by her definition those are not specific parenting issues.

Oh puhlease!

We don't need to have issues defined for us and then be instructed as to which issues should be of interest. Anything can be a parenting issue and any issue can be addressed by anyone regardless of their parental persuasion. Let's not divide along c-section,adoption, maternal or paternal lines! Say what you need to say and say it to whomever you need to say it.

Or as our kids say to us all the time, "I can say whatever I want! It's a free country!" and in this case. They are absolutely correct.

Be good boys and girls, run along now and contact your Representative or The Big Daddy himself.