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Wednesday What Nots

These tips unofficially sponsored by the express lane at Target:

Met a mom in The Lane at Target who's child won't eat the end slices from a loaf of bread. The mom told me how awful she felt about throwing away the ends, "It's perfectly good to eat. My kids just won't do it!" I shared with her my own kids weren't big fans either, but what had worked for me is I spread the peanut butter (or whatever sandwich filler we're using) on what is technically the outside part of the end and then face it inward. Since only one side of the slice looks like the end, the other side of the slice looks like the rest of others in the loaf. So when the sandwich is assembled, my kids don't even notice they are eating the end slice. Maybe this might end some angst.

Met a dad in The Lane at Target. Dad was listening as Son Two asked, well actually begged, for candy. "Candy isn't on our list. We have all the items from our list. Candy is not on our list." The begging continued, and each time I repeated the same thing. No anger, no hostility, no harsh tone. Just matter-of-factly repeating, "It's not on our list." As the dad picked up his purchase he turned to me and said "I need to remember that one. It really seemed to work for you." Maybe it will work for you too, so feel free to add it to your own list when out shopping with your kids!

Call me!

Earlier this year I updated my cell phone. I am now able to download ringtones and assign a particular ringtone to an incoming caller. Given how much I enjoy music, you can imagine I have had a lot of fun with this particular feature. For instance, if I hear this, I know it's The Huz. If it's Aviva calling? She wants me to hear this because it's her favorite song. (No, I don't know why. I was as suprised by that as anyone. Believe me.)

If Sarah is hunting me down to find out if I am going to Wegmans, get ready to join her in the chorus of "Shout At The Devil." I have one friend who requested his ringtone be "Crazy Bitch" because not only was that CD released on my birthday, he thought it would be funny as hell for me to have to answer that call in the middle of a meeting. I offered that he should download the song for when I call him because his meetings are way more stuffy than mine. He's a corporate attorney. 'nuff said. He's also full of himself humble, and it comes as no surprise to me his second choice was Dollyrots' "Because I'm Awesome." (Yes G,I know you're awesome and now the whole world does too. Just how you want it.)

I grew up during a time when everyone I knew watched Channel 13. Each week our eyes could be found glued to Upstairs, Downstairs. My mother, Alistair Cooke and I spent a lot of time together, and while Alistair is no longer with us, my mother has filled that void presenting dramas to me on a regular basis, I have assigned her the theme from Masterpiece Theatre.

But no other ringtone gets more of a reaction from people than Laurel's. Laurel is quite the karaoke queen and "R.E.S.P.E.C.T." belongs to Her Royal Highness. HRH even persuaded me to sing it with her dressed up like crawfish on stage at The Cats Meow during Mardi Gras. (I sang back-up.Sock-it-to-me-sock-it-to-me-sock-it-to-me...) When Laurel calls me, not only does everyone listen, but they respond. Some of my favorites are:

As I was walking Son Two into the rec center for daycamp, Laurel called my cell and the man next to me got busy. I don't mean he was tapping his foot, he was getting down with his dad self while walking his daughter into the building. He gave me a huge grin and said, "That made my day!"

Laurel called my cell while we were having the final construction meeting for our kitchen renovation. There were about 6 people in our house going over the plans and making final measurements and one of the guys exclaims, "Whoever is calling you is a person who knows how to have a good time! If it's a single gal, I want her number!"

Walking down Massachusetts Avenue on my way to a meeting Laurel calls me. Three other people smile at me, giggle and introduce new category of ambulation "Dance Walking." It was as if everyone around me was suddenly channeling Ellen Degeneres.

I am still trying to figure out which ringtones to download for:

My father

Son One

Son Two

and I need a ringtone for when anyone calls me from our home phone.

Got any suggestions? And if you call me, what would you want your ringtone to be?

crossposted at DC Metro Moms

Bring bob Home With You Tonight

No, bob is not a hot, new, most eligible bachelor - sorry! bob is a cute little box that is currently located on the floor next to my television set. I'll admit, I have no idea why it's called "bob" and frankly, I dont' care. What I do know, is bob has brought a new level of calm to our home.

Now you might be thinking, "Hey, Aviva, what about bob?" So I will tell you everything I know about bob...

1. bob is a box that I lock my TV plug into and program to regulate viewing time (let's hope I can remember where I put the key).
2. It took me about 3 minutes to hook up and program for my family of 5 - I'm no electronic gadget genius either. The manual is super short, easy, and even fun to read (You'll have to get your own and read it to find the humor).
3. When you want to watch a show, you enter your code to get the TV to turn on. When your time is up, the box beeps to let you know you should turn the TV off. If you don't turn it off, bob will do it for you. Sound simple? It is! My son was using it at 6 years old.
4. My family no longer has fights about the television... period! The kids each have their own private code. They know how much time they get each day to watch TV and they have learned to self regulate in order to watch what is really worth while to them. They even plan together to have enough time to watch a movie if they want to.
5. Yes, I have an over-ride code that only I know about if I feel they deserve extra time or if we decide to have a family movie night. My son calls it the "special secret code for important things."

When I first got bob, I heard criticism from some saying that kids would never learn self control if the box controlled things for them. Wrong! bob takes the personal arguing out of the cycle so kids do learn self control. The very first day we had bob, my son kept looking at his time. As he saw it running out, he turned off the TV and said, "I better find something else to do or I won't be able to watch a show later." No begging to me. No tantrums. The box was simply a device, not a mean person or even an object of control. Everyone in the family has become more aware of when the TV is on. Is anyone really watching it or is it just background noise? Is the show bob time worthy?

The TV can still be turned on with the remote when you plop on the couch or cruise by the room, but bob beeps for 1 minute until you enter your code or turn off the TV. This extra requirement makes us all stop and think, "is there anything on worth getting up and entering my code for?" I know it sounds a bit silly but, let's face it, the TV is often a lazy crutch.

As we head into the school break this winter season, I strongly recommend bringing bob home! It may encourage your kids, and you, to get out and build a snowman (around my house anyway) or play a game, or read a book, or do one of many other options instead of watching TV during the extra time together. Oh yes, bob works on anything with a plug. So, if too much computer, x-box or other plug in electronic item is your concern, bob will work. If the dreaded, hand-held Game Boy is your problem... sorry - I got nothin'!

I'm Baa-aack

Whew, what a December and it's only half over. As Devra said, I recently completed my daughter's Bat Mitzvah celebration. Did she tell you it was immediately followed by my 40th birthday and a week later by my son's 7th birthday? Oh yeah, Chanukah fell in the middle of all that somewhere as well. Yes, it's December at the Pflock house! All I can say is, I'm so glad I can drive past the crowded malls and stores for the next 2 weeks and just laugh...


You may wonder, "How did you pull all this off without going insane and totally broke?"


Well, I'll tell you. I was already insane before I got started so we'll skip that one. As for the finances, it is entirely possible to throw a great Bat Mitzvah celebration without worrying about having enough money left over for the wedding. The best thing I did was listen to my daughter.

I know it sounds crazy but here's the thing. The Bat Mitzvah service was Saturday morning with a luncheon right after. Saturday evening was the big dinner and party - Why? "That, I can tell you in one word. Tradition" But I digress... My daughter wanted her evening party to be just her friends - she didn't want any old people. At first I thought, "How can this be? We have to invite our friends and relatives to the party." Then, I got smart, "My friends and relatives don't want to listen to her music any more than I do. Why should I make them feel obligated to do so." The invite list was instantly cut to a manageable size and the food became a buffet fit for middle schoolers instead of a sit down dinner for a bunch of "old people."

I hate to brag but she did an amazing job leading the service and chanting her Torah portion! The luncheon afterwards gave everyone a chance to eat and schmooze. Her party was perfect for her - as it should be. After all it was her day to shine!

Mazel Tov to all and to all a good night...

Double up your effort to provide support to single parents at holiday time. Parentopia Prop goes to Silicon Valley Moms Blogger

My parents divorced when I was 4. I was very fortunate they were able to negotiate holidays fairly well without too much drama. However, this is not necessarily every family's holiday experience. Many single parents struggle thru the holiday season and those who aren't single? We can help. Oh yes we can. And we can do it in ways that are meaningful and not built on a foundation of pity or competition.

A Parentopia Prop is awarded to Leslie at Silicon Valley Moms Blog for her post "A Holiday Wish List For Single Moms." as she addressed the oft negative reality of being a single parent during the holiday season while providing a postitive platform on which to build empathy among parents.

Got a nominee for a Parentopia Prop? Email us or leave a link in the comments.

More Fathers Fighting for Flexibility in the Workplace, but why call it "Daddy Wars"?

Here I am. With my head held high...over my toilet. Why? USA Today.

"Accountability Central: As dads push for family time, tensions rise in workplace, Demands for leave, flexible hours reshape careers and fuel conflicts" Initially I was happy to see a story about Dads and workplace flexibility. Unfortunately after reading the piece it made me feel queasy. I am sorry to seem like I am picking on one particular news outlet. I realize many have gotten on the sensationalism track, but then again USA Today has published quite a few "Mommy Wars" stories recently. This sentence in particular, "As dads demand paternity leave, flexible work schedules, telecommuting and other new benefits, they've ignited what workplace specialists are calling the Daddy Wars." Had me holding my own hair back, falling to my knees and waiting to worship the porcelain god.* These are "new benefits"? Hardly. As the story states, the benefits have traditionally, when offered, been used by mothers.

What really had me floating over the bowl, so to speak ,is USA Today missed the real story. Hello! Hello out there! Fathers are standing up for their caregiving responsibilities and not backing down. Even if there is some tension.

Here is the real story in the USA Today Article:

"The survey also found that working dads are increasingly tapping into benefits that until just a few years ago were used almost exclusively by mothers: 71% of fathers with a child under age 5 took paternity leave when it was offered by their employer."


and

"When Ernst & Young began letting fathers take parental leave in 2001, dads made up 46% of those taking it. Today, slightly more than 50% of those who take such leave are men."

If these quotes are accurate, this is a HUGE deal. It would mean a shift in the paradigm to include fathers as caregivers AND to identify benefits need to be made available to every employee, regardless of gender. (Aviva and I have spoken to hundreds of parents, we know caring for kids is no longer being handed down from the maternal side of a family. Dads are in the mix and are having their say. GOOD! This is GOOD! This is good for families! After all, most of us either have a family or came from one.)

But let us all resist the temptation to get wrapped up in a mom lament of, "Oh, those dads just want a pat on the back when moms have been doing this for way longer with few accolades, we've been suffering about this for years. Now they want in? Oh no they just didn't." Hell to the no! Dads and moms band together! The root of family benefits is the employer/employee relationship, not parenting. When we get sucked in to believing moms and dads are "warring" this just lets employers and our government off the hook. Again, hell to the no!

Keep in mind we need to be on the same side in order to get these flexibility benefits. It doesn't serve anyone, other than an employer who wants any excuse not to offer flexibility, to fight amongst ourselves. No argument that the majority of women have had to fight far more longer and harder than the majority of men, but why should mothers have to continue the battle all by ourselves when dads want what we want too? C'mon parents, depend on each other, everybody get together and support one another. RIGHT NOW!

It is painfully obvious much of the media concentrates on perpetuating the notion moms are warring against each other. But what about the dads? Oh! Hey! Here they are! And now it's fathers drawing the battle lines? Oh come on! Someone needs to shut their pie hole on the negative spin. Didn't the media just get our collective call to end one war ? This isn't a "Daddy War" this is a sociological, economical and psychological argument for accommodation for family needs and workplace flexibility! Call it that.

Tossing around the battle banter is a distraction from what is really going on here. Men AND women are doing carework (not just of children either, we've got others we care for in our family and friendship circles!) Men and women are uniting and presenting what they need to our employers and there are growing(even if it is slow, but it is nevertheless an increase) number of employers who are taking those concerns seriously. Moms AND Dads are making positive changes in the workplace. Even if they are considered minor. Slow and steady can, and does, win a race. Report it!

You there, you in the power seat at TV, Radio and newspapers. Support us. Let me give you one big hint on how you can do that. Don't start a "Daddy War." Resist the temptation to capitalize on reporting family flexibility as whiny, demanding or unnecessary. Stop presenting flexibility as something only white privileged MBA executives need or care about. Maybe those folk have more time to discuss it because they aren't as consumed with figuring out how to maintain 3 hots and a cot because they have more resources to switch to Plan B if necessary. When you work part time at McDonald's, have 6 kids and live in a box, the plan is Survival. So yeah, those of us with the time, let's try to bring more happiness into the workplace in the way of instituting carework policies here and there. It's not a deep dark secret that happy workers are better workers. Being flexible in the workplace is beneficial to the bottom line. Label it as being so!

It is high time companies realize it makes sense to change the focus. And you know what? Some of them are. We're just not hearing and reading about it in the media very much because it's not as sexy to report. I remember a time when Yellow Journalism was something that occasionally creeped into a newspaper or tv news program. Now? There's so much yellow, I shade my eyes much of the time from the glare.

But is it just the media's fault or responsibility? No. Am I at war with the media? Absolutely not. Journalists are not our enemy. We do need them in our corner and it's not like journalists don't have families they would like to go home to. Journalists have high pressure and crappy work conditions too. Flexible options would be good for everyone. Including journalists. Aviva and I created Parentopia Props for the purpose of bringing attention to those journalists who write sans the mommy (and now daddy) war rhetoric.

The rhetoric isn't merely perpetuated by journalists. It also included the sources who's loyalties aren't quite where I would like to see them. I've said before and I will say it again, I am perfectly willing to take a pass on an interview if the focus of a piece it to pit parents against each other. I will turn away from an article if it perpetuates "mommy wars" (now I'll be including "daddy wars" too.)

And you know what? It's not about Work/Family. Why should work come first? It's about Family/Work. Use that from now on!

And if you do? I won't ever have to post a picture of my head over toilet on the Internet again.

*(If you are thinking "Damn, maybe it is that ugly floor and wallpaper getting to Devra" you'd be right about that too. Change is coming, in our bathroom and beyond!)

Wednesday What-nots

We still aren't sure how to spell "what not." Feel free to offer your suggestion or preference.

If you are a military family,know a military family or want to give a gift to one, check out Karianna's contest to win "Piper Reed Navy Brat". Enter the contest here.


Check out the latest sister site to Silicon Valley Moms Blog, New York City Moms Blog. (Devra contributes to another sister site, DC Metro Moms blog)

Speaking of Devra, her post "What about the other 9 months" was nominated for a "Just Post" award. Deep appreciation and blogggy love goes to Punditmom for the nomination! Also, while you are overthere wish the ladies Happy Anniversary as it is one year since Just Post began.

Aviva is in recovery. She's taking a brief blogging break to catch up with her offline life which was put on hold while planning, preparing and celebrating her daughter's bat mitzvah. Congratulations to the entire flock of Pflocks! We'll be featuring a post from Aviva on planning a family celebration without losing all of your mind, money or the meaning of the occasion.

And we'll wind up our Wednesday Whatnottes with this thought provoking PSA for parents sent to us by RoadTrip Mom:

The End Is Near

Don't worry. This post isn't about Hospice care or anything that will make you worry about whether your Will is current or if you are carrying enough life insurance. Many of you may have babies or toddlers and maybe you are thinking that after the toilet learning is complete, you will be finished with the daily routine of discussing bodily functions. If this is what you are thinking, then you are partly correct. You will be ready to stop talking about those functions, but your kids? Not so much.

The Period of Potty Training is quickly followed by The Period of Potty Talk in preschool/elementary school, and then you can look forward to The Period of Potty Mouth as kids move from elementary school to Tween and then Teens. These are the seasons of a kid's life. I consider this as one reason why parents of older kids are referred to as "seasoned." With this in mind, I present to you an exchange from this morning between Son One (who just turned 12 on Friday) and myself:

Act 1, Scene 1 of a One Act, One Scene Performance
Scene 1: The Cluttered Kitchen of Chez Renner, Mother and Son One are standing together as Son One is loading a paper bag with what he calls his "Siouxish" stuff as he is presenting on the Sioux Tribe at school.

Me: Please go brush your teeth. Your breath smells horrible.

Son One: That's not my breath. I just farted.

Wild laughter can be heard from Son One, Son Two, and me (because I am,admittedly, alot like her) as everyone exits thru the garage Stage Left to the bus stop.

And so our week begins. Happy Monday!

Thinking Inside The Box Parentopia Style- A Unique Way of Observing Special Days

When we first began blogging we had an average of 29 visits a day. Our blog now receives hundreds of visitors a day. Not pointing this out to brag, quite the opposite, I'm giving you a reason as to why we are revisiting "The Annual Box" post which was first published in December of 2005.
I figure if a post is over a year old, no one is really going to go digging in our archive to find it, but this is the time of year when this old post is, well, timely.

Enjoy!

Devra

Aviva and I have been friends for 30 years. After we became parents, we discovered no matter how well intentioned, we forgot birthdays, didn't remember anniversaries and holiday shopping, well, that sometimes got screwed up too. Not because we didn't care, but because our mommy brains just didn't always engage on time, so we'd end up doing everything after the fact.
Given the guilt these bouts of partialheimers (we're too young yet for Altzheimers) were creating, Aviva and I came up with a different strategy. It works for us and I'll share it with you just in case, you are a member of our lost brain warped brethren. I'm talkin' about.... "The Annual Box".

Aviva and I each get a large empty box. During the course of the year, we fill the box up as we find items for each other, our kids, spouses, and even pets. When the box is full, we mail it. Sometimes the annual box will arrive during the winter holiday season, sometimes it arrives as the leaves are changing, it has arrived on a lazy day of summer and it has popped up in the Spring. Our families look forward to "The Annual Box". They know it represents all of the special events occurring thru the year, and it has become a much loved tradition. Not knowing when "The Annual Box" will show up, adds to the fun.

Another plus to thinking INSIDE "The Annual Box" is being able to take advantage of the post holiday sales and end of season sales. We've been able to give each other some fabulous gifts at a fraction of the cost!