Where have all the manners gone?

Manners. There I said it. Now I feel antiquated. Am I alone in my perception decorum has taken a downward spin and there are definite signs if we don't right ourselves, all will be lost?

This week an item in our local paper caught my attention, Va. Student's Snow-Day Plea Triggers an Online Storm. Seems that a high school student, unhappy that school wasn't cancelled, had chosen to phone Fairfax County Public School's chief operating officer. While I have not heard the message the student left on the administrator's home phone, I imagine the thought behind the call was something like, "Dude, why'd we have to go today? Bro, do you not see we have 3 inches of snow on the ground? What's your major malfunction?" (Admittedly the message may have been worded more formally as the student is a member of the school debate team). The response from the administrator's home-front? His wife Candy, returned the student's call, leaving a voicemail message on his cell phone which, unlike her name, was not at all sweet nor sugary.

The student, having received an answer to his question, chose to share it with the world on YouTube and Facebook. That is when the shitstorm hit.

The great debate which then ensued begged answers to a couple of questions:

1. The administrator's home phone is a publicly listed number. Was it okay for the student to use it?

2. If the wife of the administrator defined the student's call to her private home as harassment, the is her response to the student appropriate?

Here is where I break from the pack and discuss manners. I learned manners as a kid, and this may come as a surprise, but I was taught them by my freewheeling, liberal, activist parents. I come from academic stock. Both of my parents have PhD's and are sociologists. Probably comes as no surprise I sported t-shirts that proclaimed "Question Authority" and "No Nukes." My mom was far more freaked out that The Huz would be joining the Air Force than his not being an MOT. You see, mother had been a member of SDS when she was in grad school. My father, while still supportive of the counter culture, decided parking would be a problem and with that chose not to attend Woodstock.

I am living and breathing proof that just because my parents ate at an Ashram in Brooklyn led by Rudy the Guru, I was reared with certain fundamentals. I was not encouraged nor given the belief I was entitled to opt out of etiquette. I was definitely expected to mind my manners. At school, at home, and out in public when I was demanding nuclear disarmament.

There is a big difference between teaching our kids to be critical thinkers and giving them the idea that whatever they think they should do, they have a God given right to do. Sorry, it just doesn't work that way. Conversely, it also does not work that adults should be given a pass on treating children respectfully when a child has skipped a step in respectful behavior. Adults are the model, we set the limits, we draw that line in the sand letting children know what is expected of them.

It isn't being the "bad guy" to have expectations of behavior and consequences when those expectations are not met. It is being the "bad guy" if we don't take the time to teach our kids nor practice ourselves. Our kids need help navigating the adult world. They encounter it all the time, with us or without us near by. Why not go over the map at home, letting the kids know we all want to get somewhere in life,and in most situations, being polite will get you there far faster. Being polite seems to be equated these days with being wimpy, or not having balls. But you know what? I have encountered plenty of people in powerful positions who do not resort to lies, insults or other brutish behavior to get what they are after. It is possible to be polite and be assertive at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive!

I believe both parties involved with this situation were in the wrong.

The student never should have thought it was appropriate to phone a school administrator at his home. A high school student should be well on their way to understanding work is work and home is home and calling a person about a work related issue at home isn't appropriate. Hell, I have the home phone of our pediatrician but would never call her there unless SHE told me it was okay to do so. This is the same lesson I gave Son One when he had a question for his teacher about his homework. He asked, "Can't I just call her at home and ask?" No, I told him. After school hours, your teacher is done for the day. Her work day is over and you will have to wait until she is at work again to ask her about your homework. She is entitled to a private life. Calling her at home would be invasive. You can, however, email her at work. This way it is now her choice as to whether she answers it on her off time.

Now, onto the administrator's wife. She missed the boat on what could have been a teachable moment. First of all, I don't give a rats ass if this kid is an older teen, he is still a child and still participating in an educational environment. Somehow in our world we have lost the concept that childhood is still happening to teens. Teens are not adults, they are still learning. In fact they are still quite educable. Just because a child may act like an adult and have a few adult responsibilities, doesn't mean they are socially there yet. As long as my sons live under our roof, they are going to continue getting schooled by The Huz and myself in addition to what their teachers and schools will be providing.

The administrator's angry spouse had other choices available to her and it is my belief she overstepped a boundary as well. My own preference would have been she inform her husband of the phone call and be done with it. It is then her husband's responsibility to see that this student is well-informed regarding the inappropriateness of his conduct and experiences whatever consequences the school system deems appropriate. The punishment should fit the crime. I absolutely support the feelings of the administrator's wife of having her privacy invaded by this student, after all this is a work issue for her husband, not her. However, her behavior toward this child was over the top.

What is to be learned in all of this? Manners still have a place in society. Teach them and use them or else you may find yourself having 15 minutes of fame you could have easily done without.

Cross-posted at DC Metro Moms Blog

Tomorrow

Truth be told, Aviva and I began our blog before either of us had ever read even one single solitary blog. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Whenever we've been in the company of seasoned bloggers and mentioned this factoid about ourselves, we get some pretty funny looks. We know we deserve em. It was a strange beginning but at the time we began our blog Mommy Guilt had just been published and our webmaster had recently returned from a huge convention where blogging had been the talk of the town. Our webmaster set up our blog and told us, "Write, dammit" and with that, we were pushed out into the blogosphere.

At first the blogosphere felt unfamiliar and fairly impersonal. Probably because we had about 4 readers, a minuscule start really, but compared to our knowledge about blogging? It was huge! It wasn't until we had been blogging for probably almost a year that we realized we could look at our webstats and figure out who visits our blog. (Go ahead and laugh. We know how it sounds). One day, a long time ago, we saw some visits from "Toddler Planet." I thought Toddler Planet was a toy store. Really. I did.

A few more months went by. I took a trip to Tampa, at the invitation of Becky, I spoke at her Mothers of Twins Club, where I met two more bloggers, this one and that one. I also attended BlogHer that year and then suddenly online connections became offline friendships. Amazing.

I also learned that Toddler Planet isn't a bookstore. Toddler Planet is a blog written by whymommy who lives sort of near me. I began reading whymommy's blog because she was reading ours. Then one day I read that she had gone to her OB/Gyn appointment and gotten some unexpected news. Whymommy learned she's got cancer. Bloggers from all around the world formed Team WhyMommy. I couldn't figure out how to put the square on our sidebar, our webmaster was out of town, but I continued to follow Toddler Planet and read of whymommy's fight and her dogged determination to educate others about her particular type of cancer.

I posted comments on her blog. But we still hadn't met yet.

And then, it happened. We both signed on to blog at DC Metro Moms Blog.

Two weeks ago I got to meet whymommy in person! It was wonderful to be able to meet this phenom and bask in her happiness that her final round of chemo was done and she was onto her next challenge, the counting down of the next 15 days until her double mastectomy.

Tomorrow is The Day.

Please join us here at Parentopia as we send our healing wishes to whymommy.

And while you are here, feel free to post/link your favorite recipe. I need to make and take something soon ,across state lines, over to whymommy!

Does Britney Spears bring out your inner guilt?

Have you read this article in New York Magazine ? Here is what I wrote in the comments at New York Magazine's site:

It's possible that for one particular group of moms being unfulfilled is an inducer of guilt, however our research points to Yelling as the number one inducer of guilt. (With the one exception of mothers of infants who aren't yelling yet.) There are quite a few inducers of guilt for mothers, both internal and external. As for Britney, most mothers I have come in contact with have stated they feel very sad for Britney; from the perspective of "She's a mom, I'm a mom" as well as "I have a daughter, she's a daughter" and lastly "I'm a daughter, she's a daughter." Most women recognize someone they know in Britney and can relate positively or negatively to that.

It looks to me like Britney has indeed been stoned in public, but I am of the opinion it is more likely to be the drugs, and definitely a large chunk of the press , doing it to her rather than other parents.

Am I high?

Want to have a bagel and coffee with Devra on Sunday?

Well, okay, not just me, Devra. There will be 9 other authors there too. All of us are participating in the Jewish Book Festival's kick off event "Bagels, Books and Local Authors Expo." being held at the Jewish Community Center of Northern Virginia. This program is part of a 9 day literacy event which will include activities for grownups and kids. I've always been a big cheerleader for JCC's. Maybe you didn't realize I met Aviva at a JCC camp. Maybe you didn't know I stalked got to know The Huz a few years later at that same summer camp. (Yes we met the summer I was 13 and he was 15 and no, since I know you are wondering, we did not "do it" at that age. Shut up.)Why not consider stopping by on Sunday, meeting me, browsing books and grabbing a bagel?

Or maybe we could just have coffee talk?

Spending "Me time" is time well spent. (and it's Delurker Day too!)

Welcome to Delurker Day! This means if you visit Parentopia regularly, from time to time-or even just found us today- please leave a comment. You can just write "Hi" or whatever.

This morning we checked out a terrific post over at Tales From The Dad Side where SciFi Dad discusses how he spent his "Me Time". (We give picture credit to Aimee for the Delurker Day flasher!)

What is "Me time"? Well, quite simply put it is the time you spend on yourself. Doing anything you want to do, either with other people or alone. Usually something you enjoy doing or something you need to get done, outside of family related errands and responsibilities.

Many parents have difficulty spending "me time". No surprise, there is often guilt associated with taking time for oneself which does not include our kids or a co-parent. But you know what? Many of us need that kind of time to regroup and refresh. And what we especially liked about SciFi Dad's post is he points out the importance of recognizing you may need a push from someone else to take that "me time" or you may need to push someone else to take it.

Here are some ideas for spending "Me Time"

Go to a movie (Just like SciFi Dad!)
Hit the book store or library
Visit the gym
Get a massage
Grab a book and blanket, or even just your MP3, and go to a park.
Take a nap
Ride a bike
Walk around the block
find a recipe you like and make it
Eat out with an old or new friend
Join a sports league for grown ups
Meet friends for drinks/dessert/coffee
Bra shopping
Attend a wine tasting

Do you spend "me time"? What's keeping you from spending it? How do you spend it? Where do you spend it? Got a favorite "me time" story?

Mitch McDad delurked and directed us to a list he recently posted on his blog. Go check it out!

Real Life Body Drama

Calling all parents of teenage girls, "Sneak into your daughter's room and put a copy of Body Drama on her desk, bed, dresser or floor - anyplace she will see it." This book is loaded with incredible information about the physical changes of growing up female. Yes, some of the pictures are quite graphic - but they are really what our bodies look like. As much as I value what this book has to offer, I realize it may not be for everyone. That's fine - read on and make the choice that is best for you and your family.

OK, remember those classics Where Did I Come From? and What's Happening to Me? I don't know about you but I remember my friends and I sneaking around the house reading those books and laughing (to hide our embarassment and our interest). I am absolutely positive my parents knew we were reading them and wanted us to be. This is how I felt about Body Drama. It is the kind of book that has the information you want to give your daughter but she would be mortified if you handed her the book, told her to read it, and said she should come to you with any questions. It is precisely the kind of book she wants to read to have her embarassing questions answered but she probably won't buy it herself and certainly won't ask you to go out and get her a copy (that would mean actually having to talk with you about it).

The book is loaded with information and pictures about everything from body shape, skin care, and breast size to skin rashes, sexually transmitted diseases and body odor (and written in their language: zits, boobs, body piercing and tattoos). All topics that we know our kids are interested in (because we were - maybe not the peircing), but they probably won't just walk up to us and ask about them. With any luck, this book will show them that the questions are normal, expected and nothing new so they can ask. In fact, I hope the book opens up a list of questions that you and your daughter can discuss.

Obviously, I recommend the book. The only problem I see with it is getting it into the hands of its target audience. So, go ahead, sneak into their rooms and leave a copy of the book. I'll say "thank you" for them because they may never even let on to the fact that they found it, read it, and felt relieved by it.

Happy 20th Pack N Play!

Wow! The Graco Pack 'n Play is 20 years old. It seems like it was the hottest new thing on the market when my oldest was born - Yes, I am old. However, since you are only as old as you feel (or act), I am happy to report the Pack 'n Play and I are still having fun.

I dug through a few pictures to see if I could find some of my own kids in their baby cage (and I mean that in the best way!) but alas, all I found was that my pictures still need to be organized! I found my daughter bouncing in her Graco jumper and my son in his Graco table chair on a camping trip but that was it. I'll keep looking though and get some pictures up here when I have a minute.

In the mean time, I am sure I'm not alone in saying "Thank you, thank you, thank you Graco for providing a portable play arena for our children." I know our Pack 'n Play has traveled across the country to provide a comfy and familiar place to sleep for our kids, has been put to great use in our own home as a safe little area to explore during play time, and has been shared with friends and relatives over the past 16 years.

So, party on Graco... you've earned it!