When The F-Bomb Drops In Front Of The Kids

Saturday Night Live recently began their new season. First, let me say when it was announced this is the show's 35th year, the realization I am 7 years older than than SNL made me drop the F-bomb in my own head. As a 7 year old, I sometimes watched the show with my father. Oh go ahead, tell me what a terrible parent he was, tell me that I should have been in bed. Lecture me on how inappropriate it was for me to be watching a program meant for adults. But at the risk of sounding like an old fart, "It was different back then."

I lived in NYC, the show aired on a weekend and most of the show was funny and much of the adult humor went right over my second grader head. Sure I remember the Killer Bees at summer camp. I had no idea "buzzing off" was a metaphor referring to masturbation nor did I pick up on "Then why is there honey all over the sheets?" and hone in on Entomological ejaculate. Back in The Day, my 7 or 8 year old self watched a bunch of actors dressed like bees having a fun time at summer camp. The beauty of the show back then was the humor was sophisticated yet immature simultaneously. A a child could watch it, find it funny and not access the grown up "funny."

Familiar with the saying "Nothing stays the same?" Of course you are. When I was in middle school I remember watching an SNL skit based on the TV show "Dallas." An actor, Charles Rocket, in a wheelchair playing the JR Ewing role, looked right into the camera and said, "I want to know who the fuck did it." The episode aired in the very early 80's. And after I watched it...

It gave me nightmares, Just kidding. I really was awake. Just kidding. I awoke drenched in my own sweat. Just kidding. I never sweat. Just kidding. Pipes sweat and I'm a plumber. Just kidding. I'm not a plumber, plumbers eat plumbs. Just kidding. I couldn't eat. Just kidding. I could eat, I couldn't go to school. Just kidding. Schools are for fish, I'm a fish. Just kidding. Fish can talk. Just kidding. I couldn't talk with my friends on the phone. Just kidding. My friends don't have phones. Only I had a phone. Just kidding. I called all of my friends when I heard Charles Rocket say the word "fuck" on TV. My parents called all of my friends, just kidding. My parents called all of their friends. JUST KIDDING. Seriously.

Last weekend when Jenny Slate let the F-bomb drop my 13 year old son was watching the show with me and this is how we handled the unexpected explosion:

Son: Did you hear that?

Me: Yup.

Son: She said the "F" word.

Me: Yup

Son: Wow.

Me: Yup.

Son: She wasn't supposed to use that word on TV.

Me: Nope.

Son: Oops.

Me: Yup.

You know what I didn't do? Tell me son I thought the actor should lose her job because of it. People make mistakes, I told my son about the time I heard Charles Rocket drop the F-bomb on SNL and explained that unlike Ms. Slate who clearly slipped up (notice her cheeks puffing out on the video?) Charles Rocket knew exactly what he was saying and delivered that line purposefully with the intent to drop that F-bomb on his viewers. I used that moment to reinforce our own policy at home, which is we "legalize and regulate" when it comes to who uses what words under which circumstances.

I'll be the first to admit I don't police my language when I speak to other adults which means when I am on the phone or in conversations with grown ups, my children hear me use many of the 7 dirty words you can't use on television. (Only now I think that number may have been reduced to 5 on Local TV channels and Zero on Cable/Satellite television.) When my kids got to be about preschool age, this is when they noticed "bad" words existed. I remember one time my son scolded, "Mommy, you just said the "S" word!" and I immediately bristled and answered, "I absolutely did not say the word shit." And then I realized I had in fact said the word "stupid." Oh! That "S" word. I made a note to myself, "Going forward, remember to inquire as to which "S" word may have been overheard prior to be offering up your best defense." Ass-U-Me. 'nuff said.

Our kids will hear words we dont' want them to use. They will hear words we may not use either. One of my favorite stories is from a friend whose toddler was walking up and down the aisles of Target announcing "daaaam-it! daaaaam-it! daaaaam-it!" Cute when it's a toddler trying to hear their own voice, however when it's a teen telling a parent "Go to hell!" that's not so endearing to the listening ear.

Kids curse for different reasons at different ages. Trying out "bad" words is actually a stage of development children experience multiple times. From toddler to teen your kids may utter words which may make you cringe. Whether your discomfort lies with the actual words or the timing of their use it might help to think about how you want to respond to your child.

There is no "one way" to respond to a child's use of these words. How you respond to a toddler will also differ from how you respond to a tween. Just keep in mind what you wish to teach your child about self expression. Some families, like mine, are fairly comfortable with having kids hear some colorful language from time to time. Other families abhor it. And then there are those who are somewhere in the middle. But what if you aren't sure how to communicate to your kid where your own tolerances are on that continuum?

Here is one example of how we've legalized and regulated cursing at Chez Renner:

We don't label any word as "bad." Smaller kids may think "bad word" equals "bad person." I prefer to keep my credibility as a parent since I know I use "bad" words myself and am not successful at policing myself. However, I do watch my words in front of other people's kids. You won't have to worry about your child playing at my house and hearing me ask "What the hell do you want for lunch?" I don't talk to kids that way regardless of whom they may belong to, but if I am alone with my own kids, you may hear me respond to a request for a juicebox with "OH GO TO HELL!" and my sons will pipe right back at me with "And while you're there, why don't you grab us a juice box!" because they know it's an inside joke from a movie we've watched as a family.

Some families substitute by explaining, "Some words are used only by adults over the age of 18(21, 60 fill in whatever age makes sense to you.) "In our house we call them "mom or dad" words instead of "adult" because what 12 year old doesn't think he/she is "grown?" It's far more obvious to our kids they have not fathered children. However even something that seems so simple, can result in having to be explained further. Take note of this actual conversation I had with my son when he was 3 years old:

Son: I want to say damn-it. Can I use that word?

Me: No. That is a mom or dad word.

Son: I'm not a dad.

Me: No. And you aren't a mom either.

Son: When I am a dad I can use the word Damn-it?

Me: Yes. But until you are it's not a kid word. It's only a mom or dad word.

Son: What about the beavers?

Me: The beavers? What do you mean?

Son: Beavers should be able to use the word damn-it. I think damn-it is a mommy, daddy or beaver word.

Me: Yes. But keep in mind you won't ever grow up to be a beaver at any age. So we're going to stick with the Mom or dad guideline for words like damn-it.

Son: Okay, but I still think it's a mommy, daddy or beaver word.

The result of that conversation is we now refer to any off-limit language as "mommy, daddy or beaver" words. Which actually works out well because they remember our language rule and we dont' have to go into any sort of lecture or explanation when an infraction happens. We just say "Mom, Dad, Beaver?" and they totally get it.

Teach your kids about your own tolerances. Kids live up or down to the expectations we set, so giving your kids a clear roadmap of where you want them to navigate in the language department will make your job as a parent easier. First you need to figure out where you stand word-wise. Is "suck" okay, but "screw" isn't? Can you tolerate "shit" but go off the deep end if told "shut up"?

Consider for a moment teachable moments happen in the least likely of places. We once visited the St. Louis Zoo where our older son pointed at a sign near an animal enclosure and exclaimed, "Mom, LOOK!" and I read it aloud, "Somali Wild Ass. Okay. So?" Our son couldn't believe that word was used at a zoo with kids. This was a perfect time to explain to him about societal expectations of language. Or in other words, people can hear you speak so let's discuss the concept of context; Somali Wild Ass at a zoo is okay since the animal's formal name includes the word ass. Calling your brother an ass at the zoo is not okay since your brother's formal name is Josh.

Keep in mind that even if you legalize and regulate, you may have some answering to do later on. I remember when my 3rd grade son's Mad Lib's book was found on the floor in his classroom and the teacher returned it to me offering, "Mrs. Renner, there are some words in here you may want to discuss with your son." And later, when I opened the book and read through it, I realized he had used "Somali Wild Ass" for almost every single noun and plural noun.

We revisited the concept of context once again. And it won't be the last time either. Especially when the time will come for me to explain another meaning of "beaver", probably when high school begins, if he doesn't already know. The kids are bound to hear it used in a context other than that of woodland creature.

My kids, and your kids too, will hear stuff we prefer they didn't. It's bound to happen, so let's all get our inner Scout out and be prepared.

As I mentioned earlier, each stage of development brings on new challenges when it comes to the language we use or want our kids to use (Or not use as the case may be.) So decide for yourself what your tolerances are, communicate them to your kids at a level they can understand and try to be as consistent as possible with whatever you decide works for your family at an age/stage. This way if you drop a can of soup on your foot, you can say whatever you need to say, be it "Oh shit!" or "Oh sugar!" with the confidence you probably won't get a note sent home from school which reads, "Your son called me a Somali Wild Ass today. Please speak with him about it." Because like my own son, your offspring will know it's okay in certain places and not okay in others or even not at all.

Feel free to share your own damn experiences with me.