The Blind Side: Football and parenting

Last weekend our family went to see The Blind Side. The film is about an African American teen from a rough part of Memphis. I'm not reviewing the movie, so no spoilers, I'll just sum it up quickly that the boy winds up living with another family, graduates from highschool, earns his college degree and eventually becomes the football player Raven's fans know as Michael Oher.  The film, not without flaws and exagerated slightly for Hollywood, is superb. Yes it is sappy at time, yes it may not delve deeply enough, but overall it's definitely worth seeing.  And for some unexpected reasons too.

I expected the film to bring back memories of my first job as a school social worker in Louisiana. I've gone into some very tough neighborhoods much like this one depicted in Memphis and Michae' Oher's birth mother brought up all sorts of memories of families with whom I once worked. After the film I shared some of my own memories of those years with the kids, however,the film brought forth the need for a couple of unexpected conversations too.

One conversation I have already had with my 9 year old and the other which is now pending with my 14 year old.  I think this happens to quite a few of us as parents, we get blind-sided sometimes by what our kids pick up when they see a movie, television show or even overhear conversations of other people.  The title of this movie wound up being a bit of a double entendre as I got a bit blind sided myself.  When I encountered some surprising twists and turns, I followed my own advice:  answered what I could at the time I was being asked, admitted things I didn't know, assured the answers could be found, found them, went back with the information I had retrieved and made it clear I was available if other questions or concerns popped up later. But I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself. Let's go back....

We knew going into it this movie was rated PG-13. There were going to be some themes in the movie way above our 9 year old's head, but we figured they wouldn't be impossible to explain.  No surprise, we did have some 'splainin' to do. While I indicated no spoilers, I do need to describe one of the scenes in the film in order for this post to make any sense whatsoever. At one point Michael Oher is being dropped off at college and Sandra Bullock's character leans in and warns: 

"Michael Oher listen to me, all right? I want you to enjoy yourself but if you get a girl pregnant out of wedlock I will crawl in the car, drive up here to Oxford and I will cut off your penis."

Lot's of laughter in the theater, but later in the car our 9 year old son asked, "Why did his mom tell him she would cut his penis off?" Happy New Year! No dull beginning to 2010 around here. Obviously we answered his inquiry based upon what we want our son to learn from us, what we would like him to understand from our point of view. We also discussed other points of view, letting him know that while we may have one perspective, others exist.  At the same time we were clear with him thatwhen it comes down to it, ours is the one he needs to be the most concerned about understanding fully. I hate the term "family values" because it has morphed and become laden with judgement.

Our conversation with our son wasn't a slam on anyone else's perspective, it was merely a reinforcement of what we want him to know about our perspective on relationships, having children and why he'd best not knock up anyone either (but said in a gentler way appropriate for 9 year old ears). The 14 year old is a different sort of animal. He understood the warning, he's already received it because I know full well he already has peers who are sexually active. Oral sex counts as being sexually active, and as parents, the reality is we may have had our first kiss at 13, but now 13 is often the age for the first blow job. Times have changed since we were their age. I strongly suggest parents and teens have an ongoing series of conversations instead of The Sex Talk.  And begin those coversations sooner rather than later.  If it's already later, then begin now.

Which leads me into why I printed out The Incident In The Car written by Neil Kramer and suggest you consider doing the same.  Initially  I met Neil on Twitter, we got to hang out at BlogHer '09 and I saw him earlier this year at an event in New York.  While I often engage with him on Twitter, I lurk on his blog.  I've not singled it out  his blog on which to lurk, I lurk on a number of blogs, commenting from time to time, etc. I'm way behind on my reader, a friend and writer mentioned Neil's post to me and I went over to read it.

It had over 80 comments. A majority of them from women and the opinions on the piece were quite polarized. And understandably so. I have compassion for everyone and what they expressed. However,  I read Neil's post from a different perspective.  Being I have a 14 year old son. I know in the next 4 years his life is going to dramatically change in ways he cannot yet even wrap his head around. Not only do I know this from my own experiences, and yes experiments, in highchool, I know this because I have worked with high school students professionally.

I have sat and beared witness to admissions of regret and guilt made by many. Terrible terrible mistakes and misdeeds. I have also been the therapist who listened as teens and young adults  saught answers for their own behavior and that of their peers/friends/enemies. I don't even think the word "Rollercoaster" effectively describes what teens go through, but it's the closest to the way their lives can loop, soar and plummet all in a relatively brief period of time.  We have 21 years of youth, and about 3 times that of adulthood.


I don't know when the right time will be to bring the post to my 14 year old son and let him read it, but it's going to happen. And when it does, I'm confident there will be questions posed to us which may be difficult for us to answer as parents, but we're gonna anyway. I also plan to share with him what it feels like to be the 14 year old girl in the back seat. She wasn't me, but she easily could have been. I'm thankful Neil wrote the post. And I hope other parents will feel likewise.

This all circles back to The Blind Side. Michael Oher plays left tackle, the position exists to protect the quarterback from being sacked. The quarterback is well aware of the threat of being taken down by the opposing team, but it is the job of the left tackle to protect the quarterback anyway.  The left tackle gives the quarterback enough room so he can throw the ball and complete the pass. The left tackle doesn't take the ball from the quaterback and throw it himself. The quarterback still maintains control of the ball and the way it's thrown. The left tackle tries to keep the quaterback safe and yet give him enough room to do his thing.

Sounds a lot like parenting to me.