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A Heroic Start to Summer

Friday, June 24th, 2011

You can do it!Out here in the wild west, our summer break started early this year. As always, I searched for fun community events to fill our days. One of the first festivals we attended was Jr. Jam. It kicked off our break with good music, fun games, and booths from businesses around town. We ran into an old friend who has moved back to town, I got to discuss my loathing toward “investigations math” with a wonderful man from Mathnasium while my son played chess, and then, my son was intrigued by a poster of criminal holding a gun. Oddly, the area wasn’t crowded (pictures of guns are usually pretty attractive to kids – I guess the opportunity to dress in SWAT gear was a bigger draw). We wandered over to see what it was all about.

A kind, outgoing gentleman named Bob asked my son if he was interested in learning CPR, first aid, or gun safety? Gun safety. That got my boy’s attention. He has a pellet gun and a BB gun so we have reviewed a lot of this at home. But Bob was talking about the kind of guns that shoot bullets. The kind of guns like the criminal on his poster was holding. After some further discussion, I learned Bob’s class would use repetition to teach kids how to be prepared in case of an emergency – whether that meant helping me out if I suddenly collapsed at home, being able to defend himself against an attacker, or knowing the proper handling of weapons. Bob also told me he was offering the class free to the first 15 people who signed up as a way to get the word out. Free CPR, first aid and self defense training? Really? Really!

We got home and I forgot all about Bob and his “free” class until….   The next week I received a call to let me know the class would start on Monday. Was my son still interested? Heck yes. So was I. Was it really going to be free? Absolutely! I told Bob we would see him on Monday.

Monday came and off we went. I only got lost for a couple of minutes before I realized I had passed the parking lot 3 times. We went in and discovered we were the only people attending. I didn’t get it. A free 2 week class to occupy your kids for 3 hours every afternoon, actually teach them something useful, and he couldn’t get 15 people to commit. He and his co-worker went on to tell me several people had said they were interested but my son and I were the only family to follow through and show up. He appreciated our honesty and willingness to help him get things started.

Over the next 2 weeks I had the opportunity to review my CPR and first aid skills, my son got to show off his surprisingly vast knowledge in several areas of Bob’s course while he learned great new skills, and we both had a terrific time. The best part for my son – a tremendous explosion in self confidence! I think even my son was surprised at how much information he already had in his head about a lot of the health issues. Bob was definitely impressed by not only what he knew, but also how well he presented his knowledge and soaked up all the new stuff! The best part for me – learning some gun safety! My husband and daughters both took Hunter Safety and my son has learned a great deal through Scouts and his dad. I, on the other hand, have never handled a gun and knew nothing about them. I feel confident now that both my son and I know important rules about how to safely handle a gun and I even got to shoot pellets at some targets before we graduated. My son and I were equally surprised at my ability to hit the target and not destroy Bob’s wall!

A few other kids did wander in over the 2 weeks – we brought a friend along a few times who loved it. I am still dumbfounded as to why more families didn’t take advantage of Bob’s generous offer for a free 2 week summer camp. I thoroughly understand how busy summer can get and it just may not have fit into the schedule but I am afraid many thought the offer sounded too good to be true so they figured it wasn’t. I am ecstatic we took advantage of it! Not only did we both learn a lot of great skills, but we also had a lot of fun doing this together!

I hope we can get through life never having to use many of the emergency and self defense methods we learned. But, I always say it is better to have and not need than to need and not have! And now, thanks to Bob and his incredibly positive and encouraging approach to often uncomfortable issues, we have the skills to be heroes if we should ever need them.

On Balance and Equality and Fairness

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

I made a comment on an op-ed someone shared on Facebook and, as often happens, different people took my comment to mean different things. Therefore, rather than respond to everyone individually in an effort to better explain myself, I figured I would write a post instead.

I know, I know, four posts in less than a month – crazy!

The article, by a female anesthesiologist, takes a pretty strong stand and says if you want to be a doctor, please commit to the career. The cost of educating and producing a physician should not be taken lightly, especially since it is subsidized by local and federal funds. Moreover, if you end up just doing the profession part time, or give it up entirely, you have wasted taxpayer dollars.

OK – I get that part. I also imagine the person who pursued the medical profession put plenty of their own money into it and, quite likely, has substantial education loans to pay back. My guess is, they intend to stick with and make money at the job.

The article goes on to talk about how it is primarily women who tend to become part timers in the medical profession, or give it up altogether, in order to start a family. They can’t seem to find “work-life balance” if they maintain medicine as a full time career.

No kidding! Being a doctor is demanding work. I grew up with a doctor in the house – my father. I know he was extremely busy and worked crazy hours. I also know he made every effort to be involved with anything possible when it came to family. Was he at every choir concert, soccer game, dance recital or school event? No. Do I remember the things he didn’t attend? No. I do, however, remember his face beaming with pride when he was there. I remember hearing his voice stand out above all the others when he would laugh at a show I was in or cheer for my brother when he scored a goal. I remember going with him when he would make rounds at the hospital and I would get cookies from the nurses. I remember listening to him on the phone as he talked an EMT through delivering a baby in a blizzard. I have great memories of growing up with a full time doctor as a parent.

Oh wait, he was my dad, not my mom! It was socially acceptable for him to miss school events, sporting events, and performances. It doesn’t mean he didn’t want to be there, it just means he was expected to sacrifice those things and be at work. But that was a few decades ago (please don’t do the math for my age here). Things have changed, right? Apparently not.

You see, I find it hard to believe anyone, male or female, would invest the time, energy, effort and money into being a doctor if they were not fully committed to the career. I think our society still piles on the guilt for mom to place kids over career and dad to sacrifice family time. This is why many female physicians are so torn and often end up opting out. Not only do they have to deal with ridicule from people about their decision to be in such a demanding and important field, but their spouses often endure ridicule when they show up at events without the wife and find it necessary to defend her choice. Society, as a whole, STILL isn’t ready to accept mom as the primary bread winner as a family structure. I know there are exceptions – I happen to have very good friends who fall into the exception category – so please, don’t bother to criticize me for putting this in writing. But let’s face it,  you and your family need to be prepared to stand your ground and deal with the crap. This isn’t going to be an easy choice for the long haul.

And as for work-life balance… don’t expect to find that. It’s total bullshit! There are some days work will be more important and some days family (and whatever else you consider “life”) will rise to the top. Hell, there are some hours in a day when these things will flip-flop several times. Life is never fair in what it deals out – we tell our kids that all the time. All we can do is know that we are doing our very best at any given moment to make the right choice when, in fact, we have a choice. And, when we feel as if we don’t have a choice, then those are the times we need to power through, tune out the guilt, nod a polite “thank you” to the unsolicited advice givers, and realize we are not doing anything to intentionally screw anyone up; we are simply doing what needs to be done. Our families, our “life,” will understand and be proud of the entire person we are: mom or dad, AND doctor.

My Year as a Sub

Saturday, June 4th, 2011

Pardon the soap box, but this is a topic I am passionate about. The education system is a mess. Much like our economy, we got into this mess together and it will take all of us to clean it up.

I have been an active volunteer in our school district ever since my youngest entered kindergarten 14 years ago, and after 15 years and 3 children, I will finally be done with elementary school next year! My volunteer participation has run the gamut. I’ve been a PTA member, a volunteer coordinator, a class room helper (and pain in the ass too, I’m sure). I’ve served on SAAC at the elementary, middle and high school levels. I’ve served on numerous district committees. I’ve been a guest author in my son’s class, I helped out in my daughter’s high school biology class on dissection day and I have choreographed songs in my other daughter’s high school show choir. So last summer, I figured, “Why not sub? Can’t be much harder than everything I’ve already got myself into. And, I’ll get paid for it. Besides, it would be good for me to see all of this from the inside.”

Well, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad! I did get paid (sort of) and it was definitely good for me to see things from the inside. As for the difficulty level… I loved all the new challenges and doing something different every time. I even loved working with the “students that will give you trouble.” The difficulty was deciding to either accept the mediocrity I was confronted with, or make a conscious decision to expect more. Of course, I opted for the latter.

For those of you who have never had the experience of teaching in a public school, allow me to enlighten you to a few things you don’t read in the papers! 1) In some of the elementary schools, the kids get breakfast in the classroom. It is a wonderful and necessary thing to provide but it takes up a good chunk of time when you are trying to get the day started. 2) In a middle school, I approached an 8th grader who was trying to hold back his tears in the lunch room because while he was putting ketchup on his burger, someone stole the rest of his lunch. This was no little guy being picked on either – he was football player size. While I was shocked to hear what had happened, I was very impressed with how it was handled by the school. During lunch, they have a teacher circulate the lunch room with a paper shopping bag. Any unopened food on a tray that a student does not intend to eat can be placed in the bag for redistribution to someone else. My poor 8th grader had 1 pudding and 1 milk taken and ended up with 2 puddings and 1 milk! 3) There really are teachers in our schools who give every kid an A regardless of ability or effort. These same teachers expect nothing from their students, do not have any respect in the classroom, and have set many kids up to believe they are not capable of learning. 4) There really are teachers who consistently go above and beyond everything they are paid to do because they honestly want to make a difference in the life of a student. These teachers are hard to find because they do it out of a true passion for their work and don’t look for or expect any recognition for their accomplishments.

After subbing in a very few number of classrooms, the first thing I figured out was this – just like the book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, I can tell you all I really need to know about a classroom is in the style of the lesson plans left for me. It never failed, a teacher who felt it necessary to leave me an entire page about classroom discipline, bribery and trouble makers meant I would have a hell of a time getting any respect in the classroom and I would be hard pressed to actually have the opportunity to teach at all. However, when I was left with brief notes about the classroom in general and details about the subject matter to be covered, I looked forward to learning with a new group of students.

Now to get back to my conscious decision. Sadly, one thing I noticed in all classes, across all grade levels, regardless of notes left for me, is that we seem to expect less than we should of students. I couldn’t believe how many times I heard, “I can’t do this. I’m stupid.” Or how many teachers left me notes about specific kids not keeping up or letting me know not to worry if I didn’t get through everything because the class just can’t do it.  The most heartbreaking and inspiring day, though, was the day that began with a boy telling me I should just yell at him and send him to the office now because that’s what always happens. I told him we would just wait and see how things went. At the end of the class period, not only was he still there, but he had actually participated in the work for the day. When I pointed out to him the simple fact he was still there, his face lit up and he said, “Yeah, I did it.” I guess my decision to expect more comes from the fact that I know most kids can do it if others believe in them and assist them.

We cannot have the luxury of blaming the students, the parents, the teachers or the administrators. We all need to step up and do anything and everything we possibly can to encourage success for all children – the challenged, the gifted, the average – every single one of them deserves the opportunity to succeed and the belief they can.

I know classrooms are often over crowded with a huge variety of learners, and teachers can’t possibly be expected to reach them all. However, I would hope we don’t just throw up our arms and say, “It can’t be done.” I was in there doing it every chance I got.

Not Guilty Pleasures

Friday, May 27th, 2011

Devra and I are often asked about guilt parents feel over preferring to do certain activities with one child while siblings are left behind. We assure parents it doesn’t indicate you love one child more than another, it simply means different kids have fun doing different things. For example, I love to see intellectual films with one daughter and completely ridiculous chic flicks with my other daughter. I take my son out bowling – just the 2 of us.  Dev and I liken it to enjoying different activities with grown up friends. I’ll go to karaoke night with one group (my theater friends, of course), grab beers at a sports bar after soccer or softball (don’t worry, my husband’s team, not mine) with another group, gather with my Ladies Who Lunch bunch once a month, meet a friend for lunch on a moments notice, or plop myself down on the couch after everyone else has gone to sleep and watch TV with a glass of red wine and a scoop of chocolate ice cream. What happens though, when guilt creeps its way into that grown up fun ? You know, those moments sometimes referred to as “guilty pleasures.” Now, be careful what you’re thinking… I’m inclined to believe we may be going different directions on this one.

Those of you who have been following us over the years probably recall my shock and disgust when the publishing company informed us our working title for Mommy Guilt, Parent with Pleasure, would be associated with incest. And others may have laughed out loud with us when we revealed an error in our galleys that read Guilt-Free Pleasure: Ime with your spouse, instead of Guilt-Free Pleasure: Time with your spouse. As the years have rolled along, I have often wondered why the word pleasure conjures up such often dis-pleasurable thoughts. So, like we did in our book, I went to the dictionary for some help.

According to Merriam-Webster, guilty is defined as justly chargeable with or responsible for a usually grave breach of conduct or a crime. Moving on, pleasure: a state of gratification (funny side note, an add for Ghirardelli chocolate popped up when I entered this) ; guilty pleasure (yes, it’s really there and no Ghirardelli this time): something pleasurable that induces a usually minor feeling of guilt. Now, I don’t know about you but I was taught it is not proper to define a word or phrase using part of the word or phrase in the definition. Given that’s the case, I would suggest this as a more accurate definition. Guilty pleasure: a state of gratification justly chargeable with or responsible for a usually grave breach of conduct or a crime.

Let’s go back to those grown up pleasures and see which of them are worthy of the “guilty” part. Feel free to change the details here to best fit your personal situations, I went with things I could write about but the big picture should be the same.

Going out with friends who enjoy some of the crazy things you enjoy, even if your S.O. or members of your family can’t stand those things and have no real connections with those friends. First of all, I’ll tell you I don’t enjoy performing karaoke. I do, however, love to watch and really love any excuse to hang out with this wacky bunch of friends. None of us commit any crimes while at the bar and we all make sure each driver is sober before departing.

Karaoke night with friends, without spouse, partner, or kids – NOT GUILTY PLEASURE.

Going out with my husband to hang with his friends after a game or my husband going out after a game to hang with his friends without me. Of course, no husband required – any partner will do, I just happen to need one in this case because anyone who knows me also knows I do NOT do ball sports (I used to say the closest I came was the fitness ball but I don’t even like that thing). Depending on what time it’s at and whether or not it’s a school night, one or more of our kids may join in, or not. Again, no crimes committed while out and as responsible adults, we make sure no one drives after drinking.

Partner out with friends  with or without me, with or without kids – NOT GUILTY PLEASURE.

Going out on a regularly scheduled monthly lunch with my lady friends. No boys allowed! It’s our girl time together. We may decide to complain about our families while there or we may never even mention them. We never dine and dash!

Monthly ladies lunch out – NOT GUILTY PLEASURE.

Enjoying lunch, a drink, or just some unplanned time out with a friend of the opposite sex (or not). I don’t know why this one seems to be such a big deal for some people. I have always gotten along with guys better than gals, so there are many things I would rather discuss with a guy than with another gal. And sometimes, I don’t feel like discussing those things with my husband. Does it mean I love my husband any less? I don’t see why it should be seen that way. Maybe I want to talk about something that would bore him to tears or eat at a restaurant he can’t stand. Why should I torture him when I have another friend I can be with?

Last minute lunch (or drink, or coffee) with friend of the opposite sex – NOT GUILTY PLEASURE.

I love chocolate! Anyone who knows me, knows this. I have developed a great fondness for good red wine. Pair these two unmistakable pleasures up and I am one happy lady. Let me have them both while I’m all alone doing whatever I want to do and I’m darn near giddy with pleasure.  I see no reason to force people away from me in order to get this. I simply take it when the opportunity avails itself to me.

An evening alone with red wine and chocolate – NOT GUILTY PLEASURE.

This post is already far too long but I have to put in one last thing. Just as we suggest a guilt-o-meter check with parenting choices, the same holds true with your grown up fun. Guilt serves a purpose as a check and balance so when it starts to play in your head, tune in the channel and get rid of the static – be honest about what you are doing, how you are going about it and the affect it has on those you care about. When all of that is clear then you can decide if you should listen up or turn it off and enjoy your pleasures.

That being said, I believe I hear a piece of dark chocolate calling me… by name!

An Aunt by Any Other Title.. or no Title at All

Wednesday, May 25th, 2011

Let me start by welcoming those of you who may be visiting us from Savvy Auntie. As honorary aunts to each others’ children, Devra and I love keeping up with the latest Savvy Auntie news.

I’m gonna come clean here. Titles frighten me a bit. I think it’s because of the pressure it commits to using other titles. If I refer to someone as an Aunt or Uncle, I feel I need to know about cousins, 1st cousins, 2nd cousins, cousins once removed… You get the idea – there’s a lot of pressure here and, to be perfectly honest, I just don’t understand how all of that works. Don’t bother trying to explain it to me – many already have. It doesn’t stick.

Here’s the funny thing though, the one person my kids consistently refer to with the title of Aunt, is Devra. Remember, despite the fact no one can tell us apart on the phone, we are not related (at least not in any way I can identify). Now “Devra” is about as common as “Aviva” but when I mention Devra, if I don’t add “You know, Auntie Dev,” my kids look at me as if to say, “Which Devra do you mean?” How weird is that?

Even stranger, although I have a niece from my brother and a small collection of nieces and nephews on my husband’s side (are they removed or niece/nephew-in-laws?), I rarely think of myself as Aunt Aviva except when I am talking about Devra’s kids who always respond with, “Oh, you mean Aunt Aviva,” when Devra tells them, “It’s Aviva on the phone.” I guess this is how they keep me distinguished from the many other Aviva’s in their lives.

Perhaps I don’t associate myself with the title because, even though I have several aunts, I only call one of my aunts by title – and when I do, it’s not simply a prefix to her name. My Aunt Nancy is only Aunt Nancy when followed by Pants. I have no idea where, when, or how this started. All I can tell you is she is Aunt Nancy Pants – always has been, always will be!

I guess the point is this… title or no title, related or not, Devra and I are fortunate enough to hold a special place in the hearts of our kids that allows us to be a part of their lives as only aunts can be – even if we’re not technically aunts… or are we?

Guilt-Free Parenting Week

Tuesday, March 1st, 2011

What a week for us to return to blogging! Gotta give a shout out to a journalist Katy Rank Lev who sent us an email today congratulating us on the nice write up she read over on RookieMoms. So paying it forward, thank you Whitney and Heather, you know we are both HUGE fans of your book/blog. You gals rock!

In celebration of Guilt-free Parenting Week, we’re going to give away a signed copy of the very book that started it all, our award winning parenting book Mommy Guilt: Learn To Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most and Raise Happier Kids. All you have to do is leave a comment letting us know you’ve stopped by. If you want to share how you plan to alleviate your parental angst, how you can help someone else enjoy their parenting more or just tell us about a time when you felt guilt or didn’t, that’s okay too. Or if you don’t want to we’re not going to guilt trip you about it.

We’ll announce the winner on Monday. Only because we are late getting in on the Guilt-free Parenting action and don’t want anyone to feel guilty that they missed our giveaway!

Would you let your teen wear an “I Heart Boobies” Bracelet? We think it’s okay, and here’s why…

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

The other night as I was driving home from a party with my teenage son (homemade eggnog FTW people!), we were talking about high school life these days. Considering both of us spend our days in a high school-him as a student, me as a social worker- it’s a topic we have in common.  I was telling my son about how some of the kids in the high school where I work haven’t figured out that pants dropped almost to the knees is “so 90′s” only the difference now in the saggy drawers is the students are actually wearing belts with them.  I was telling my son, “Why bother? I mean if your crotch is interfering with the walking because it’s between your knees, then the belt is obsolete anyway.”  He agreed.  Then he asked me if I had heard about the boobie bracelets being banned in some schools.  “What boobie bracelets?” I asked him. As I was picturing something like this.

My son told me about how some schools are banning rubber bracelets printed with , “I HEART BOOBIES” because the school administrators think it’s inappropriate for teens to wear the bracelets, even though the bracelets are part of a breast cancer awareness campaign.  A campaign specifically developed to educate the younger crowd about breast cancer.  As we discussed the ban on the boobie-wear, I explained to my son that I felt the school administrators were missing an educational opportunity to explain the campaign to the students–to re-define “boobies.” I suggested it made much more sense for schools to see this as an opportunity to define boobies as body parts both men and women have, and tell students  sometimes men and women get breast cancer.  Seriously? What teen isn’t aware  boobies are fun to play with or it might be fun to have others play with them?  They already know that! They may not know, however, these same boobies are susceptible to cancer.

I really wish these schools used some common sense to address the educational component of the campaign and stopped being so afraid to utilize a word the kids all know.  We need to give teens a little more credit. Stop being so damned protective and PC. People are dying.  It’s like being cautious about AIDS Education. Again, people are dying.  We need to do what we need to do to educate and be pro-active.

Schools could address the issue  the same way I did in the car with my son.  I told him breasts feed babies, some folks like to play with breasts or look at them, and sometimes breasts get cancer, people we love and some we miss,like his grandmother and great grandmother, get cancer and we need a cure for cancer. So if you want to wear the bracelet, wear it for the right reason, and share with others the reasons you are sporting an “I HEART BOOBIES” bracelet. Talk about your grandmother who you never got to meet. Talk about your great grandmother you only had for the first year of your life because of cancer.

Hey, the way I figure it,  if he’s picturing boobies belonging to his grandmother and great grandmother, that’s probably going to do the trick to make his mind focus on cancer awareness and not copping a feel.

I wish the schools banning the bracelets would embrace the idea of educating their students, instead of making a big deal about the word “boobie.” The freak out about the word “boobie” only serves to reinforce the idea that breasts are  sexual objects, and only sexual objects. Nothing like a teachable moment being missed by an educational system. Talk about being a bunch of boobies!

To this I say, “Grow a pair!” And I’m not talkin’ about boobies.  Someone needs to stand up for common sense, so why not me? Or you?  Or all of us together?

The Ultimate Online Holiday Celebration Hosted by Citizen of The Month

Friday, December 17th, 2010

If you’ve never seen the celebration? Well you need to see it. Actually experience it is more like it.  Neil Kramer over at Citizen of the Month is such a mensch, and we love his brilliant idea of an online holiday concert.   Let’s celebrate our similarities and honor our differences. There is something for everyone in this concert.  We hope you enjoy it as much as we do.

Happy December! Happy January! Happiness!

Chappy Chanukkah, Happy Hanukkah, or however you spell it.

Wednesday, December 1st, 2010

Not all of us are observing the same holiday, maybe some are observing no holiday at all.   My great grandfather had long decided religion was merely a guide for those who could handle organized hypocrisy and he decidedly lived by the principle of “We’re not going to know who’s right until we’re dead, so be a good person.”

Not a shabby way to look at it, if you ask me.

Aviva and I just happen to be lighting our menorah’s tonight with our families. Both of us believe in low stress holidays.  Here are a few of our tips for making holidays less guilt producing:

1.  Keep what you like, ditch what you don’t. Love the latkes your grandmother used to make, but hate grating potatoes, get frozen hashbrowns and try those instead. Sure it may not be the gourmet way, but it’s another way to make it work for your family.  The world will not end.

2.  Fake it till you make it.  For some folks real Christmas trees can be expensive, if you think you want to make the switch to a fake one, see if someone you know has one you can borrow. There’s nothing written in any religious doctrine that says fake trees are sinful.  If you hate it, you can always go back to the real one the following year.

3. Who says you have to eat at home? Discuss the option of eating at another family member’s home or a friend’s house from time to time. Even a local restaurant or a vacation spot might be fun during the holidays for a change of pace.  You might be surprised at what resorts do for holidays and it might even be considered “off season” for some places.

what changes can be made to a holiday so it’s more festive and less frustrating? Notice how we did not say how will “you” change it? We think holiday celebrations are meant to be family celebrations, so it should not depend on one single person to “make” the holiday special.

Will anything change this year for your family? Are there changes to be considered but the only thing in the way is not knowing how well they would go over with everyone else? Are there changes that have already been made in the way your family observes holidays you would like to share with others? Do tell!

Veterans Day: Honoring Those Who Serve, Wherever They Serve

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

If I told you I had once posed for a picture in a United Air States Air Force  jet wearing an oxygen mask, would you have believed me?

Behold!

This shot was snapped circa 1991, during what the Air Force dubbed a “Busy Partner Flight.” All three of us pictured had husbands, who at the time, flew in a big old jet airliner, also known as a KC-135 Air Refueling plane. Busy Partner Flights were much like “Take Your Spouse To Work Day” where we spouses, and significant others, were allowed to take to the skies and land with a better understanding of just what our loved ones are doing when they aren’t at home with us.

While Veterans are being remembered and honored on this day, let’s also recognize those whom have served on the homefront.- the spouses,partners, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends.

After all, war is, and has been, hell on them too.