Combine and Remind: Disaster Relief For Haiti and Help For Hurrican Katrina Survivors

A few years ago we had a devestating hurricane in the Southern United States. Things are still bad there.  Families are still displaced and living in FEMA trailors due to the damage caused by Hurricane Katrina. Now we have an international disaster in Haiti.  Also displacing families, destroying lives, homes and businesses.  Why not consider matching your donation to Haitian relief with a donation to provide help for Hurrican Katrina Survivors? Maybe you can't do both at the same time, but let this be a reminder not to forget about those who are still suffering the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. So help wherever you can, whenever you can, however you can. And if you can't do anything, don't feel guilty about it. Your own family should come first.

Southern States:

Make It Right Foundation, mission is to rebuild the Ninth Ward in New Orleans.

The Salvation Army- providing help and assistance for families in crisis nationwide.

Haiti:
 Food For The Poor is the organization spearheading a relief effort in Haiti. You can donate direction online.


The Red Cross also has three different options on how to make donations:
 Text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to American Red Cross relief for Haiti. The donation will be charged to your cell phone bill.


 The American Red Cross is accepting donations through their International Response Fund. Donations can be sent to the American Red Cross, P.O. Box 37243, Washington, D.C. 20013


Donations can also be made by phone at 1-800-REDCROSS or 1-800-257-7575 (Spanish) or online at http://www.redcross.org/


Special thanks to Kate Moeller of Club Med who provided us with the above disaster relief information. Club Med has a resort in Punta Cana, my family will be vacationing there in the coming weeks so I emailed Kate to find out if the resort had been effected by the quake. The resort is fine, it is located on  the other side of the island, however quite a few GO's (resort staff) have been devestated by the quake. I'm going to look into the possiblility of our family volunteering to help with disaster relief while we are there, if the need still exists for such.  I'm also going to check with the airlines and see if they will waive the extra bag charge if we decide to bring an extra suitcase filled with clothing for donation.  You never know until you ask!

You don't have to travel to Haiti or travel to the southern US to help others. You've got folks in your own community who may have needs you can help meet, so do good and have fun doing it.

The Blind Side: Football and parenting

Last weekend our family went to see The Blind Side. The film is about an African American teen from a rough part of Memphis. I'm not reviewing the movie, so no spoilers, I'll just sum it up quickly that the boy winds up living with another family, graduates from highschool, earns his college degree and eventually becomes the football player Raven's fans know as Michael Oher.  The film, not without flaws and exagerated slightly for Hollywood, is superb. Yes it is sappy at time, yes it may not delve deeply enough, but overall it's definitely worth seeing.  And for some unexpected reasons too.

I expected the film to bring back memories of my first job as a school social worker in Louisiana. I've gone into some very tough neighborhoods much like this one depicted in Memphis and Michae' Oher's birth mother brought up all sorts of memories of families with whom I once worked. After the film I shared some of my own memories of those years with the kids, however,the film brought forth the need for a couple of unexpected conversations too.

One conversation I have already had with my 9 year old and the other which is now pending with my 14 year old.  I think this happens to quite a few of us as parents, we get blind-sided sometimes by what our kids pick up when they see a movie, television show or even overhear conversations of other people.  The title of this movie wound up being a bit of a double entendre as I got a bit blind sided myself.  When I encountered some surprising twists and turns, I followed my own advice:  answered what I could at the time I was being asked, admitted things I didn't know, assured the answers could be found, found them, went back with the information I had retrieved and made it clear I was available if other questions or concerns popped up later. But I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself. Let's go back....

We knew going into it this movie was rated PG-13. There were going to be some themes in the movie way above our 9 year old's head, but we figured they wouldn't be impossible to explain.  No surprise, we did have some 'splainin' to do. While I indicated no spoilers, I do need to describe one of the scenes in the film in order for this post to make any sense whatsoever. At one point Michael Oher is being dropped off at college and Sandra Bullock's character leans in and warns: 

"Michael Oher listen to me, all right? I want you to enjoy yourself but if you get a girl pregnant out of wedlock I will crawl in the car, drive up here to Oxford and I will cut off your penis."

Lot's of laughter in the theater, but later in the car our 9 year old son asked, "Why did his mom tell him she would cut his penis off?" Happy New Year! No dull beginning to 2010 around here. Obviously we answered his inquiry based upon what we want our son to learn from us, what we would like him to understand from our point of view. We also discussed other points of view, letting him know that while we may have one perspective, others exist.  At the same time we were clear with him thatwhen it comes down to it, ours is the one he needs to be the most concerned about understanding fully. I hate the term "family values" because it has morphed and become laden with judgement.

Our conversation with our son wasn't a slam on anyone else's perspective, it was merely a reinforcement of what we want him to know about our perspective on relationships, having children and why he'd best not knock up anyone either (but said in a gentler way appropriate for 9 year old ears). The 14 year old is a different sort of animal. He understood the warning, he's already received it because I know full well he already has peers who are sexually active. Oral sex counts as being sexually active, and as parents, the reality is we may have had our first kiss at 13, but now 13 is often the age for the first blow job. Times have changed since we were their age. I strongly suggest parents and teens have an ongoing series of conversations instead of The Sex Talk.  And begin those coversations sooner rather than later.  If it's already later, then begin now.

Which leads me into why I printed out The Incident In The Car written by Neil Kramer and suggest you consider doing the same.  Initially  I met Neil on Twitter, we got to hang out at BlogHer '09 and I saw him earlier this year at an event in New York.  While I often engage with him on Twitter, I lurk on his blog.  I've not singled it out  his blog on which to lurk, I lurk on a number of blogs, commenting from time to time, etc. I'm way behind on my reader, a friend and writer mentioned Neil's post to me and I went over to read it.

It had over 80 comments. A majority of them from women and the opinions on the piece were quite polarized. And understandably so. I have compassion for everyone and what they expressed. However,  I read Neil's post from a different perspective.  Being I have a 14 year old son. I know in the next 4 years his life is going to dramatically change in ways he cannot yet even wrap his head around. Not only do I know this from my own experiences, and yes experiments, in highchool, I know this because I have worked with high school students professionally.

I have sat and beared witness to admissions of regret and guilt made by many. Terrible terrible mistakes and misdeeds. I have also been the therapist who listened as teens and young adults  saught answers for their own behavior and that of their peers/friends/enemies. I don't even think the word "Rollercoaster" effectively describes what teens go through, but it's the closest to the way their lives can loop, soar and plummet all in a relatively brief period of time.  We have 21 years of youth, and about 3 times that of adulthood.


I don't know when the right time will be to bring the post to my 14 year old son and let him read it, but it's going to happen. And when it does, I'm confident there will be questions posed to us which may be difficult for us to answer as parents, but we're gonna anyway. I also plan to share with him what it feels like to be the 14 year old girl in the back seat. She wasn't me, but she easily could have been. I'm thankful Neil wrote the post. And I hope other parents will feel likewise.

This all circles back to The Blind Side. Michael Oher plays left tackle, the position exists to protect the quarterback from being sacked. The quarterback is well aware of the threat of being taken down by the opposing team, but it is the job of the left tackle to protect the quarterback anyway.  The left tackle gives the quarterback enough room so he can throw the ball and complete the pass. The left tackle doesn't take the ball from the quaterback and throw it himself. The quarterback still maintains control of the ball and the way it's thrown. The left tackle tries to keep the quaterback safe and yet give him enough room to do his thing.

Sounds a lot like parenting to me.

Happy New Year! Ring It In By Letting Yourself Go

Last week my younger son was going through a bin of old photos. You probably have a similar box or bin, it's the one filled with the pictures you swear you will some day label and organize.  Every time I see the bin I feel like crap. I've even gone so far as to hide the bin way in the back of a closet so I can purposefully keep it out of sight and out of mind.  I hated being reminded of what I considered a failed New Years resolution..


Not only had I spent years resolving to organize the photos, I'd spent years not organizing the photos and feeling immense guilt.  The guilt was so terrible I would stick my fingers in my ears and do the 'lalalalalalala I can't hear you!" if anyone mentioned the "S Word" i.e. scrapbooking. And forget about going to one of those Creative Memory parties. My anxiety was so bad that when I heard the words "Acid Free" I silently contemplated if an "Acid Trip" might not somehow work out better for me. And I've never dropped acid. Ever.


As they used to say in the 70's, "Man, this wasn't a good scene." So you can imagine how lousy I felt when my son dragged out the bin. I felt the guilt bubble up as I looked down at the piles of pictures.  But then something happened and everything changed. My son began taking out the pictures and asking me about who was in them, when the photo was shot, which camera had been used, and who had taken the picture. As I started to tell him about family members and our friends, sharing with him the life happening through the lense so to speak, I realized I no longer had to feel guilty about not organizing the pictures. It was okay.  In fact it was even better than okay.


I concluded it was a good thing I had repeatedly blown my New Years resolution.  As a direct result of my actions (or really my lack of them) my son and I spent a couple of hours looking through the bin and talking together. No way in hell would that have happened the same way had all the pictures been perfectly organized and catalogued.


Do you have a guilt you've been carrying over with you from year to year? This is the year to just let it go.

Free Gifts. Yes. Really.

We had a blizzard in the DC area. The government shut down so this meant my husband didn't have to go into work. Given his Colorado roots, he actually enjoys shoveling snow. If there is a lot of snow, he will make it an all day shovelfest. He loves the crisp air, the gleam of white making everything look fresh and clean. So when I looked out the front window and saw that an entire chunk of our sidewalk remained unshoveled, I was puzzled.
I stared out the window for a little while as I tried to figure it out. Oh, hey! I know! A sled run. My husband had decided to give the kids a little extra landing room at the bottom of the hill. What a gift! And a nice one. One the kids really liked and appreciated. It was unexpected to boot. So my brain kicked in and I thought, "why not come up with other gift ideas?" Ones which won't cost a dime and don't need to be wrapped. All you need to do in order to give them, is a willingness to try.

1. How about an extra hour of sleep? Go to bed an hour earlier. Try it once a week. Because if you think about it, is there anything of an earth shattering nature you do for an hour every single night right before bed? If you find you can do it more than once a week, go for it.

2. Clean up one area of your house, apartment, office you've been meaning to tackle for a long time, but only if you are spending time nagging yourself about it. Otherwise, let it go. It's probably not as bad as you think anyway.

3. Sign up for Pandora. It's free. I love listening to it on my computer while I write. I also crank the speakers up and listen to it while we're preparing dinner. Each family member gets to create their own station.

4. Hug other people. Somehow we've gotten away from cuddling, time to get back to it.

5. Make family recipes, but not the ones you never liked. Somehow we get stuck thinking we must have the same menu year after year. You know, the one passed down from generation to generation. However, if you hate turkey, never liked cooking it, then the world will not fall to pieces if you change over to a Tofurkey. Go ahead, try something new! Infuse your own part of history into your holiday meals, when you find a recipe everyone likes, make it again next year.

6. Smile. Even when you are by yourself.

7. Consider attending someone else's religious service or trying a different holiday tradition. Never been to a midnight mass? Give it a try. Haven't seen a Gospel choir in action? Maybe you should. Fry up some potato pancakes and eat jelly donuts. Why not? Give yourself the gift of understanding others.

8. Give your kids compliments. Explain what you appreciate and enjoy about them as people.

9. Re-gift the clothes you and your family no longer need or wear. Shelters and safehouses need them.

10. Keep elbows off the table and chew with mouths closed. It may be old fashioned, but never really goes out of style.

11. Ask for a back rub, tell someone you want a drink and ask them to serve you, request your kids put your shoes away and even ask them to make your bed.No need for you to do it all by yourself. Give the gift of not feeling guilty about asking for what you need or pointing out what would make life a little easier for everyone.

12. Go comment on a blog. Tell the writer why you think their post is a gift to you as a reader.

It didn't take me long to come up with this list. I bet you can come up with your own list of freebies to give to yourself or your family. What's especially great about this sort of list-It's not limited to any particular holiday and can be used all year 'round.

On Being Facebook Smart

Last December when our son turned thirteen I asked him if he would like to open his very own Facebook account. He told me he wasn't interested. Life went on. A few months later we visited friends who lived in a land far far away Kansas. When we returned from the trip my son told me he would like to take me up on my offer and he wanted to start using Facebook. During our sojourn to the Wild Wild Midwest he had reconnected with his friends and now wished to hang out with them on Facebook. I was cool with it. After all Facebook is way less expensive than airplane tickets to Wichita.

As we sat in front of the computer going through the steps to set up his account, I explained the rules of engagement as they relate to the responsibility of having a Facebook account. We'd already had a discussion about online safety when he first ventured online. When he got a cell phone which included a camera, we had a talk about cell phone photography versus cell phone pornography, much like what SoCal Mom discussed with her daughter.

My rules were simple:

1. You must friend me. Not because I am lonely, if you've noticed I have over 500 of my own friends, you need to friend me if you want to be on Facebook.

2. I must know your password. Granted I will also have to write it down and I promise not to show it to your little brother. but you still need to give it to me. If you change it, you must give me the new one. And again, I will not share that information with your brother.

3. For my part, I promise not to abuse my power. I will not sign into your account without your knowledge. I will not change anything on your wall or profile without discussing it with you first. However, there could be a situation where I need to act quickly, and I reserve the right to do that, again, I will not abuse my power.

4. Believe me, I know your friends will use language I prefer you not use. As long as you know what I expect from you, we're good to go. After all, I had friends in middle school and highschool who wound up behind bars, but did I? No. Make good choices. offline and online.

With teens I tend to lean toward the "less is more" when it comes to words, yet at the same time I make sure I'm packing plenty of information in what I do say. But even so, I knew there would come a time when I might have to step in and provide more guidance. After all, as parents it is difficult, albeit almost impossible, to anticipate every situation and how our child will respond. Thinking Mother brings up an excellent point in her post, when she addresses whether or not children understand the ramification of their actions online. Kids will make mistakes. My son did. It wasn't a very serious one, but it provided a backdrop for an important life lesson.

My son plays soccer and he had been approached by another team's coach. The coach had made the suggestion that my son should try out for that coach's team. My son was very flattered. He was excited to have been asked but at the same time had no plan to take that coach up on his offer. My son is very happy on his current team. But that night my son updated his status to say "I was asked to try out for another travel soccer team."

Within seconds I saw the update and called my son into my office (I work from home, he didn't have to hop the metro). "Hey, do you realize you've got your coach's son as a Facebook friend? What do you think he's going to think when he reads your update?" My son looked at me for a moment, his face flushed and said, "That I'm going to leave the team. Uh oh. I need to fix that!" So I showed him how to delete his status and we had a brief conversation about whether or not he should send a message to the coach's son. In a matter of seconds the decision was removed from him because I received an email from the coach asking "Is your son leaving our team?" My son sent an email to his coach and explained how the misunderstanding had happened, all because of a quickly written Facebook update based upon a situation only my son experienced.

Lesson learned. No need to have knee jerk response and ban him from the Interwebs until he moves out of the house. Instead I let him clean up his own mess, while offering support and consultation as needed.

No lie, it's dififcult for many of us not to swoop in, hit the delete button, the off switch or the mute feature. Need inspiration to keep the brakes on? Check out what AMoore has to offer. Look, parenting is tough in these high tech times, but if you're going to suck in your breath, let me give you a pointer; If you've never used Lamaze, it will come in handy during the teen years. Breathe with me. Heeeee heeeee whoooooo heeeee heeeee whoooooo.

The Family Connections Group is BlogHer’s community journalism project. I am a Contributing Editor for Family Connections/Digital Parenting

Parentopia Prop: Helena Oliviero Atlanta-Journal Constitution

As part of my job as a Contributing Editor at BlogHer.com I write about Digital Parenting. While many parents have ventured into the land of social media and making connections online, the idea of having kids doing the same makes a lot of folks nervous. It doesn't help when we've got a majority of mainstream media focusing on fear mongering and shaming their readership.

Seriously, it is insulting and patently ridiculous. We don't need this in our lives. Parenting presents enough challenges, we need information from our media, not finger wagging and navel gazing.

So when I was interviewed by Helena Oliviero from the Atlanta-Journal Constitution for her piece Parents Balance Freedom, Safety On Facebook I wasn't sure how my quotes would wind up or how the piece would come together. Which isn't at all unusual whenever anyone agrees to be interviewed. Unless you know the reporter personally, it's almost always a crap shoot.

Not to say reporters are the main problem, I don't believe they are, after all their are editors, producers and quite a few others who have their eyes on a pitch or piece before it is approved, put to bed and hits the stands or airwaves. I'm not dumping on journalists, I know many hardworking journos and for the most part they are the ones who want to do their job well, but at the same time, papers are losing money and those holding onto the purse strings are panicking. It's a trickle down effect. And when stories go bad, it is often the journalist who finds themselves on the hot seat and not positioned to thrown an editor or producer under the bus. With the current revolving doors at many of the newspapers and magazines, keeping one's job right now is outweighing quite a bit in my opinion. And understandably so. But last week I had a glimmer of hope that things may be coming back around...

When the AJC article came out last week, I yelped. I did. 'twas a yelp of joy. Finally a piece written in a major newspaper about a touchy topic that did not position parents as inept and offered pertinent and practical information to parents in a positive reporting style!

I'm holding up this piece as a model for others to read and emulate. This is what journalism is meant to do folks, find facts, report em and inform the public. Regardless of whether my quote had made it into this piece, I would still be singing it's praises.

And for this, Helena Oliviero is completely deserving of a Parentopia Prop!

Pimp My Home Office- A Contest

During Thanksgiving the kids mentioned eating our celebratory dinner at the kitchen table didn't feel very festive to them. After Thanksgiving, I thought some more about what they had expressed and in light of their comment, my home office needs some serious overhaulin'.

When we moved to the DC area I converted our formal dining room into my home office. Knowing the migratory nature of our military family, I have a home office. Most of my work these days is either over the computer or involves traveling, so renting office space seemed silly. Especially since I am nocturnal by nature and often like to prowl down to my office in the dead of night if I get an idea for an article, blog post or potential book proposal. I like having the freedom to head into work at my convenience and also around my own family's schedule.

A few years ago my kids and husband surprised me with a new office furniture. While it really looks cool, it's not all that functional for the way I function at work. I have a lovely filing cabinet, but it's filled with phone chargers, Ipod earbuds and other miscellaneous cords. Why? Because I am a "piler" not a "filer." If I file away my papers, I will totally forget they exist and can't get much accomplished that way. I miss deadlines if I do that. But the problem with piles, is well, there are piles. Everywhere. On my desk, near my desk, they take over. For me they are akin to a horizontal filing system. I know what is in each pile and I can get to it.

For my family (including me) my desk has become an eyesore. I don't like it that way, but I don't have many options either. Or at least ones I can consider as I am just not that creative when it comes to decorating or organizing.

So I am having a contest for anyone who would like to participate. Here are the rules:

1. Paint color remains the same, I paid a lot to have the office painted recently, so the color is not negotiable.

2. I have material for window treatments, just never had them made. I can provide a swatch upon request.

2. Budget 1,500.00.

3. New items must be able to be moved elsewhere if we relocate. They can be attached to walls, but must be able to be moved at some point.

3. Contemporary style. The desk in the room will be put in the attic and saved for when we have a bigger house or when a child leaves for college, whichever comes first.

4. Must incorporate our dining room furniture.

5. Must include many bookshelves.

6. I would love a bulletin board with a giant calender for the entire year at a glance.

7. Bonus if you can figure out how to incorporate it as a guest room too. My parents are getting older and the stairs in our house may become a challenge one day. I like to think ahead.

Things I love about my present office:

Reading nook

Kids have their computer in my office too so we can hang out together.

Open feeling.

Things I hate about it:

Boring

feels impersonal

No place for guests to sit.

Can't use it as a dining room

The piles.

The contest winner will have their design featured on our blog and possibly a couple of other places, upon permission, where I write. I will also sing your praises to the entire effing world. And if you have been reading our blog or have met me in person, you know I am not at all shy about sharing my opinions and experiences.

Stay tuned, later this week I will post pictures of the dining room table/chairs and provide measurements of the space for which you will be designing I will also try to find a couple of other cool prizes for you to win since maybe you might like a little somethin' somethin'.

How does that sound? Any questions?

Cross-Posted from BlogHer- Extreme Makeover, The Sun-Maid Raisin Girl Edition

This post I wrote for BlogHer ran earlier in the week. Enjoy!

How she sneaked into the plastic surgeon's office avoiding the paparazzi is any one's guess, but recently the Sun-Maid Raisin girl let her guard down -- she was caught on video as she cavorted among the grape vines somewhere near Fresno. Lo and behold, we come to discover this isn't the first time she's had some work done. From what I've been able to track down on the Interwebs, this girl first consulted with either a stylist or surgeon in 1923, then in 1956, and again sometime in 1970.

Enter 2009, the information age, where even an illustrated corporate logo can't escape the watchful eye of, well, everyone.

And when The People saw the new look on the old girl? They responded. Folks want to know what up with that? Or in this case, those. The folks over at Jezebel have called out what they believe to be an obvious breast augmentation:

The Sun-Maid has had yet another makeover. And apparently some implants. And a cleanse. Lorraine Collett-Petersen would hardly recognize herself.

Quite possibly the Sun-Maid Girl hasn't changed at all on the inside, maintaining her innocence, being demure. We just can't see it on the outside. Anyone remember Jessica in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? She's not bad, she's just drawn that way.

All celebrities have an image to cultivate and protect. Fairly simple if you are a human being, but woe is the celeb who is an artistic rendering. Cindy at Guanabee isn't allowing herself to be distracted by the new tah-tahs -- instead, she takes the maid's new "sim" look to task;

Critics are up in arms about her new, CGI look. Personally, we find CGI cold and impersonal–the exact opposite of the original, warm, Sun-Maid Raisin girl logo.

Not only would I agree the new look is "cold and impersonal," but did you notice the size of her hands? They are huge! Maybe her hands are large so she is better equipped to perform her monthly breast self-exam. Added kudos to the animators for now making hand size an indication of a woman's breast size. After all, large hands on men have been used to estimate penis size for years. It's high time men got a shot at figuring out what women are hiding under our peasant blouses.

Certainly in the 1970's the Sun-Maid Girl could have proudly sported an IBTC iron-on tee shirt in disco-inspired glitter writing. In the years following the death of disco it's obvious she resigned and is no longer a member in good standing of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. In fact, the Sun-Maid Girl left her sisters in the dust.

The resulting reaction is mixed in 2009. Bored in Vernal admits her own vexation:

You all know I'm a live-and-let-live kind of person, so I surprise myself sometimes with my visceral reaction against breast implants, liposuction, facelifts, and other types of elective surgery. It's not only that I don't think they're safe, or that their cost could feed a small village for a year, or even the standard feminist argument against them. There might be a teeny bit of "you-didn't-earn-that-body-by-slaving-away-in-a-hot-gym" to it all.

Let's get real even if the boobs look fake. Who amongst us hasn't seen an attractive gal and heard the echo of "Bitch!" inside our own head? Even the most open minded and non-judgmental can hear that voice from time to time. It sneaks into our head despite all of our efforts to think positive thoughts like "She's got great bone structure and a Harvard education. You go girl!" We need not dwell in the land of negativity, look toward the light. Our very own BlogHer Contributing Editor Mel from Stirrup Queens put this out there for consideration:

I thought her boobs were glowing... Glowing boobs not only say to every person you pass "look at these!" but they can also double as a flashlight if you lose power.

Excellent point! After all, breasts have long been dubbed "headlights." Certainly glowing breasts could be quite useful if you can't find your car keys in an unlit parking garage or when you are out jogging after sunset.

And yes, that is the plan for little miss Sun-Maid. She's going to be doing things we "normal" women do. According to the Sun-Maid website, the icon will demonstrate her everywomanliness;

doing yoga along the beach, walking her way to lasting fitness and sharing healthy recipes and mini meals.

She may be doing more than just sitting pretty on a box, but she's still not giving up her day job as a corporate logo.

Although I'm not convinced using melons to sell raisins is the most logical of marketing decisions.

If giving is better than receiving, why do we worry so much about what we give?

When I was trying to figure out whether or not I should get my 13 year old son "Call of Duty" I went and looked up what experts, parents and even kids had to say about the game. Yes, I realize I am an "expert" but that doesn't mean I don't have to make my own parenting decisions. Having penned a parenting book does not mean I am any less immune to the pressure my 14 and 9 year old apply when they hear about a new video game or toy. Despite evidence to the contrary, they both clearly think I will crack, run to Target and slam my coin on the counter in order to get them the latest and greatest thing their best friend's cousin's brother just got.

To that I say to you, no effing way. I'm going to make informed decisions, not extorted ones!

I'm not going to give into the gimmes. Everyone will get gifts, but on our terms. Over the years I have witnessed many the parent reluctantly purchasing toys and games they hate. Maybe it's the loud obnoxious electronic book where you press a button to hear a something that is supposed to sound like a car horn, but sounds more like a foghorn. The purchase of Pink kitchen's seem to bring on pained expressions and violent video games may furrow the brows yet wind up being ferried home anyway.

Does this mean parents are doing the wrong thing when we buy this crap we don't like? Not necessarily. Consider asking yourself some questions to help decide if the purchase makes sense for your family;

Is it age appropriate? If not, is my child mature enough for it anyway?

How many of their friends really have it? Ask around to the other parents. You may discover not "everyone has it" and your child may not be "the only one in whole the entire world "who is experiencing the deprivation.

Can you afford it? Seriously. If not, consider it as an item for a wish list and teach your child the art of saving up to purchase big ticket items.

Will it add, detract or have no impact on your family life. This may not be obvious until you actually own the item, but it may be a selling point if you think about it right now.

When in doubt, wait it out. If you are unsure of a purchase, maybe you can wait a day or two. If the item is in limited quantity, or you are worried the price may rise, maybe you can buy it, hide it away and do some more research. If you figure out the purchase wasn't necessary, return the item.

Keep in mind memories often fade over time, but if your child has asked for the same gift for a long time, this may mean it actually means something to them. Even if you think the toy is silly or won't last long, it might still be worth getting anyway. Think about your toys as a kid, what do you recall being your favorite?

Which is a great segue into...

Everything old can be new again. Don't shy away from traditional toys or vintage stuff. The classics became classics for a reason. You will never sell me on the new Fisher Price Barn, I want the old wooden one that moos. Definitely. Maybe your kids would like some of that stuff too. Hunt around on Ebay or Craiglslist, hit yard sales too. Ask friends if their kids have outgrown stuff. Maybe they will trade or sell?

Giving gifts has become yet another mechanism for parents to second guess ourselves, but it doesn't have to be. Give yourself the gift careful consideration and if you find you made a mistake, then re-gift yourself with a big package of relief knowing gift receipts exist for a reason!

How 'bout a helping of brains with your turkey?

A week or so ago my husband and I joined our younger son at his elementary school for a Thanksgiving lunch in the school cafeteria. We've had two children attend this elementary school and the Thanksgiving lunch is something we've done in years past. Only this year it was different.

As the three of us arrived at our table and sat down one of my son's classmates burst into tears. He was seated next to me, I asked him what was up. "My parents aren't here!" Okay, no problem. "I'll go check and see if they are signed up for the lunch," I told him as I got up and made my way to the sign-in table in the school's foyer.

Arriving at the table I inquired if this particular student's parents, or any other person, had signed up for the lunch. I gave the students name to the woman at the table. "No, they aren't signed up." Okay. No problem. We'll just take him under our wing for the lunch. It'll be fine. I was about to turn from the table, but this woman wasn't done, "To be PC, his parents don't come to things." Huh? I was puzzled. I stared blankly. The woman tried again, "To be PC, his parents aren't the type of people to come to things in the middle of the day." Again I stared at her, turned my gaze to the teacher seated beside her and said "Our family will include him with us and we'll get through it. I'll also let his teacher know he was upset."

I came back to the table and explained to the boy that his parents had not signed up for the lunch and unlike school where each day has the same schedule, grownups may have different things going on every day. Sometimes grownups work far away from home or a meeting pops up. The boy told me his parents professions and I explained that both of those jobs have a great deal of responsibility, but don't have a lot of flexibility to adjust for leaving work in the middle of the day. No one at our table pretended not to notice his parents weren't there, but at the same time no one created an environment of questioning their absence either.

As we ate, we discussed the type of work we do, what his parents do, are we all staying in town or going away for Thanksgiving weekend, and how the hell did I luck out getting a double helping of green beans instead of the mashed potatoes. A side dish everyone agreed could easily be served in the art room for papier-mache projects.

After lunch I hopped in my car and called Aviva. I told her about the experience at the school and how baffled I was regarding the remark that woman had made to me in reference to the classmate's parents. "Why on earth would she preface it with 'To be PC about it...' What was that all about?" Aviva knowingly replied, "Well, you know. His parents might be nocturnal and she didn't want to say it."

I considered this for a moment, "Oh shit. I bet you're right. His parents must be vampires." Aviva continued, "Do you have a lot of undead at your son's school?" I racked my brain trying to think if we did. "No. I think they may be the only ones." I paused. Then it hit me, "OMG! Vampires, of course! Now it makes sense! That poor woman was just trying to figure out a nice way to let me know that boy is adopted or a foster child. I mean, he must be. Otherwise he'd definitely be home-schooled in the evenings."

I wish I had made that connection earlier. There's nothing wrong with being a Vampire. In fact, creatures of the night are really "in" right now. I would have explained I am actually a Zombie, as is my husband, and while we mainly roam the earth at night, we have the option of also walking among the living during daylight hours. Something Vampires just can't do safely. Being Zombies, we're already dead, so it's just a different life (or death) circumstance. Then I could have asked for a helping of brains instead of more beans.

It's not PC to categorize anyone as a monster for missing an event at school-day or night- regardless of the reason. Instead, let's focus on being compassionate when a child says they miss their mummy, daddy or anyone else.

We're all living in an era of trying to be superhuman, we shouldn't be afraid to help each other out when we see the signal is shining. There may come a time when you might have to leap tall buildings in a single bound, miss the Thanksgiving lunch and hope another hero will be on hand to swoop in and save the day.

And with that, my work here is done.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pictured Laurel Smith and a nameless flightless bird. Photo Credit: Laurel Smith, www.momsminivan.com

Pipe Down Those Pipes

The New York Times article For Some Parents, Shouting Is the New Spanking ran last week in the print version as well as on-line. That very day, we began receiving numerous emails from parents in search of alternatives to raising their voices. When we were both interviewed for the New York Time's piece, we expected the Times article would include a "what to do" component in their coverage. As we all know, this wasn't the case and the article, for many parents, felt like a spanking. This felt extremely frustrating to us as we have made it our mission to provide parents with absolution from guilt, not heap on more guilt! So, with this in mind, we're going to give you what wound up on the cutting room floor, so to speak.

Let's get one thing clear right from the start: ALMOST EVERYONE YELLS! Even if the World Health Organization were to issue a statement proposing a ban on yelling, we would still, on occasion, yell. It is a common reaction when we are upset, irritable, angry, frightened, frustrated or simply caught off guard. It happens. We're human. We don't stop being humans when we become parents, and no human is perfect, thus no parent (mother OR father) is either.

One of the criticisms of the Times piece is it did not give a definition of yelling, nor did it specify if there is any one particular type of yelling which is considered most damaging to children. In our book "Mommy Guilt" we break it down for you about where parents yell, when parents yell and how to determine if your yelling is productive or unproductive. Let's begin with a quick overview now.

Productive Yells:

This is the type we do when our children are at risk, when we need a quick resolution to a particular situation, or to provide a quick reminder that we need to get down to business.

There is the yelling we do when we are sending out a warning: GET OUT OF THE STREET! We can't imagine any parent saying in a hushed tone, "Hey sweetie, can you step to your left? There is car moving quickly and I am concerned you may get hit by it if you remain standing where you are. Thanks sweetie." Um. No.

If you walk into your home and the TV is blaring Sponge Bob and you react quickly you may holler: TURN OFF THE TELEVISION! Sometimes we have to compete to win, and this is one of those times. Even the occasional yelling to assert yourself happens from time to time. When a teen is screaming at you, sometimes you must raise your voice as if to say, "Look, we're done with this. Let's both calm down and get to talking!"

Unproductive Yelling

This is the yelling we do which makes everyone involved feel like crap. It's the yelling that admonishes, insults, humiliates or makes fun of another person. Or it is the yelling which happens so continually your family ignores it because they hear it all the time and no longer take seriously. Unproductive yelling is probably going on if you are yelling more than you would like, finding yourself feeling badly about the words you used while you were yelling or yelling at times which you later feel were not "yell worthy." Unproductive yelling is the type that is potentially harmful to children . It frightens and confuses them. It makes them feel insecure and is dehumanizing. After all, humans do have the capacity to reason, this sets us apart from other mammals, but as someone we know once said, "You can't reason with a screaming head!"

Here are a few tips and tricks to keep in mind when it comes to quelling the yelling:

• When yelling is used in an already volatile situation, it is more likely to escalate than to alleviate any problems. Yelling begets yelling.


• You may try whispering instead. The quiet calm sound of a whisper could be exactly what everyone involved really needs. And it still provides a change in your voice.


• Don't be ashamed to tell your child you need a minute to calm down. Unless safety is a concern, it may be better to give yourself a chance to think through options rather than react with a yell you may later regret.


• Consider a change of venue. If you are standing, sit down. If you are walking, stop. If you are on one side of the room cross over to the other. This may help break a pattern.


• If yelling is your primary means of communication, consider this. How will your child know when a situation is truly important when everything is met with a yell? If you wonder why no one is responding to your yelling, it may have become white noise to your family.


• Are you yelling or are you just loud? Can you tell the difference? Can your family?

OK, you slipped up and yelled - maybe you were tired, hungry, or just having a shitty day - now what?

• Tell your kid you don't like the way this scene played out and you want a "do over." Kids do this all the time, why shouldn't we.


• Admit you made a mistake. When we screw up, we can use this as a teaching opportunity for our kids and ourselves. Talk about the importance of admission and apologizing.


• Even if it takes you all day to relax and realize you screwed up, even if it takes you a few days, go back to your child and talk about it. There is no expiration date on an apology.


• Apologizing doesn't mean you approve of the transgression that set you off in the first place. It is perfectly acceptable to make that distinction when apologizing. "When I asked you to get in the car 4 times, I became frustrated and yelled. I apologize. In the future, I expect to give you two reminders and then you need to be where you are asked to be."


• If you find yourself saying "I've told you a million times," don't. Stop. It's not working if you have to say it a million times. What makes you think the 1,000,001st is going to be The One. Set a plan and stick to it. Three strikes and you're out works well. "I'll ask three times, and then I'm walking out the door." More often than not your child will follow you. Even if they follow slowly it's better than yelling. Over time they will pick up the pace.


• Get a whistle. Blow it when your kids are fighting. This works particularly well when your kids already are on teams where they have to respect the whistle. Coaches use it, you can too.

Like we said, yelling happens. How often we use it and how we deal with it afterwords probably has a greater impact on our kids than the heat of the moment yell. The Times article did what media does - created hype around a topic in order to boost readership. We never intended to be part of something that would bring up more feelings of disappointment or guilt for parents. If this was your reaction, we apologize. It was never our intention to hurt you and we hope you will allow us this do over.

By the way, my cousin sent me a hard copy of the article which actually appeared in print. While the content was the same, interestingly enough the title was different: Shout if You're Against Spanking. I wonder, if the piece online had been similarly titled would parents have felt as dumped on by the experts interviewed for the piece? In the article, it appears experts were raising their hands to say, "Yes, I am against it." The response from parents certainly could have been, "Fine, but I'm not." Looks like The Times may have been in need for a do over too folks.

Baby Einstein Offers Refund To Parents: It's been a long time comin' folks.

If you happened to be in the audience on a rainy cold November 9,2005 when we were speaking at the Stamford Jewish Community Center's Sara Walker Nursery School you would have heard us tell a group of over 120 parents, "Einstein did not have Baby Einstein videos and he seemed to have turned out okay." Now the makers of the video are facing that reality and finally 'fessing up that their videos are not intellectually stimulating to infants and toddlers and refunding anyone who may have purchased them.

As for Mozart, he too did not watch his Baby Mozart self. The jury may still be out on the way he turned out, however did you know Devra's cousin Richard appeared in the film Amadeus? Hey! Maybe there is something educational in a Mozart video after all.

*Photo Credit Kate Light, please visit her site, she's an amazing poet and we encourage you to consider using the coin you won't be spending on Baby Einstein to support her writing, and the works of other poets, playwrights, artists who are dedicated to making our world a TRUE educational environment.

Is Shouting the New Spanking? IS IT? WELL?

Update! I will be part of a panel discussion today at 12:30 EST on MSNBC's Dr. Nancy Snyderman Show. As I said on Twitter and Facebook, I am trying not to worry about a wardrobe malfunction. Although MochaMomma urged me to "PLEASE have a wardrobe malfunction, a planned one." Gotta admit, it's tempting. Too bad I don't have extra pasties from BlogHer '06. I hope you'll tune in and send me "Don't say stupid shit on national television" vibes!

The article written by Hilary Stout, For Some Parents Shouting Is The New Spanking appeared in the New York Times Styles section today and Aviva is quoted. Our post with more on the story, plus response to over 300 questions, concerns and observations found in the article's comments,will be up sometime over the weekend.

Oh, and don't think for a minute that it escaped our attention both photos included in the piece are of mothers yelling at their kids. Sure our book is called "Mommy Guilt" but this doesn't mean we support the notion mothers should just sit back,take the heat and wind up sticking our collective head in the oven whenever we admit we're experiencing tough times in the Parent-hood. We all know Dads yell too. And no doubt there are fathers who feel guilty about it. Parenting is not about perfection. Learning to be a more effective parent isn't the same thing as learning to be skilled glass blower. Glass doesn't have an ability to talk back, challenge, or call you "the meanest parent in the world." We're not parenting inanimate objects and we're human too.

(and on a separate note, this is the first time I have ever written a post, hit "spell check" and got a "No misspellings found" message. It's monumental. It is.)

In Poor Taste

Is this Good Morning America interview for real? Little 4 year old Eden sits sleepily on her mom's lap while Gloria Allred insults and berates the 2 of them. Just as my blood was beginning to boil at the thought of this conversation taking place in front of Eden, one of the GMA anchors informed us Eden could not hear the argument going on between the adults. OK, I'll give GMA a bit of credit for that one but come on, you don't expect me to believe Eden won't hear about it from others and see it for herself when others are gathered around to watch it again and again.

Ms. Allred, shame on you. As an "expert" you should know better than to speak that way in front of the child, even if she only could hear her mother's side of the conversation.

Mom, you probably should have left little Eden asleep in bed. That's where it looked like she wanted to be anyway.

GMA, if you are going to do a story about the effects of reality television on kids, please don't contribute to the hype by having the kids on the show. Haven't we all learned enough from watching Falcon throw up during his interviews?

It is obvious some parents are capable of making better decisions than other parents when it comes to what is OK for their kids. In any case, the media (on line included) need not contribute to the fame and popularity by making every situation into a big deal.

Enough said!

Pharma Pharma Pharma Chameleon We Come And Go

Whenever we are invited to tour companies, try a product or speak at an event, we have a meeting and discuss who is inviting us, what will be our purpose for being there, what (if any) is the expectation on the other end of that invite (overt and covert), who else benefits (if there is no benefit for the greater good, we pass on the invite), does it merit our time and attention, and do both of us need to be there. Often we'll split the country down the middle with Aviva to the West and Devra to the East which works well for all involved.

In the past we have been vocal about our opinion regarding Working Mother Magazine's list of "Best Companies" and so have others we respect, so when we were offered the opportunity to visit a company often listed as "Best" we accepted. Our primary reason, however, was not see if they offer an employee yoga class. We wanted to learn how vaccines are made and if our visit would then allow us to address angst parents express to us about vaccinating their kids.

Aviva was flown in from Colorado, Devra hopped aboard the Acela with Sarah and we all headed for Philly where we would have a pajama party and jump on the bed with a few other familiar folks and new faces before we headed out to Marietta, PA in the morning.

Destination, Glaxo Smith Kline's vaccine manufacturing facility. Yup, Big Pharma.

Before anyone begins with the booing and hissing, think for a moment if you know anyone who is taking Wellbutrin or Paxil. From a mental health standpoint, we are well aware that these two products in particular have helped many the mother and father be healthier parents. Additionally one of our dearest friends works for a non-profit public health organization which is entirely dedicated to the creation of a safe, accessible HIV vaccine. GSK is a member of their consortium and is working on two possible AIDS vaccines. As our friend put it, "There is quite a bit of cross pollination between non-profits and for profit companies" and the result of which is increased public health, which in turn means less stress on families due to illness.


Does this mean we checked our collective brain at the door? No. We retain our skepticism about whether or not there is a relationship between Autism and vaccines, we are still unsure about the newly introduced H1N1 vaccines and while HPV is something we'd definitely like to see go away, we're not so convinced about vaccinating 10 year olds. However, our purpose for the visit wasn't to put GSK on the defensive, we were invited to their corporate home and if they had brought any of those things up, we would have shared our opinions and questioned anything that sounded "off" to us. Who among us hasn't been in a situation where we discover a difference in opinion? The key is to be able to discuss differences and not turn it into audition material for the Jerry Springer Show.


As it turned out, there wasn't any need to grill them or hold anyone's feet to the fire. Much of what they presented we had read and heard elsewhere. Given the FDA rules of "Fair Balance" a large chunk of the information presented was culled from public sites such as the CDC, FDA and American Academy of Pediatrics. No products were mentioned during our visit, except for Devra sharing a story about how she once had a client who didn't realize "Zantac" wasn't a form of over the counter "Xanax" and couldn't understand why her anxiety levels had ramped up despite having increased the recommended dosage from a half pill to a full one. Had the client's anxiety been related to the fear of having heartburn, both problems would have been solved by one GSK product. Natch.

Aviva's father is on the board of ACOG, her uncle is also an OB/Gyn and specializes in high risk pregnancies. Aviva herself holds a certificate in health care systems management. Devra's grandfather was a founder of a hospital and director of education at a major cancer research center and both of Devra's parents have been on the faculties of Ivy League medical schools. No secret Devra and Aviva come from what we call, "DocStock". Perhaps it is this background that influences our shared belief vaccines are integral to public health and it makes sense pharmaceutical companies and the medical community overlap.

But what does this all mean for you? What is it we can tell you from our visit which may help you as you try to make your own decisions about vaccinations? Here is a list of considerations which we have put together based upon a combination of what we knew before we visited and information we picked up as a result of our visit:

• Vaccines aren't the money makers for big pharma. There are only a handful of companies who even manufacture vaccines. Polio and Smallpox are practically nil due to the existence of vaccines.


• Check with your local school district to determine which vaccines are required for your child to enter school, most private and public schools will be in lock step with the districts' requirement.


• If possible ,check into your family's allergy history. Even if your child doesn't have any allergies you know of, it helps to know your history so if your child does have a negative response to a vaccine you will be able to rule out certain allergens effecting your gene pool.


• If you have questions about whether or not to vaccinate consider what, if any, consequences you might encounter as a result and weigh the risk vs benefit.


• Efforts have been made for the vaccine schedule to align with well baby checks and other times when a parent or caregiver will be bringing a child to the pediatrician or family doctor. The idea is not to create more visits, but to incorporate what needs to be accomplished when you're going to be there anyway.
• Make your decision and leave others to make their own. You aren't going to win souls by hopping up on a podium and telling others you don't approve of their parenting decisions. Do you want that done to you? Exactly. We thought so.
• Report any adverse reactions your child may have to a vaccine, GSK and the CDC track them. This way they can be alerted to any problems or health risks, etc.
• GSK no longer advertises in Working Mother Magazine and they definitely acknowledge their male employees don't lactate, so life/work policies must be benefiicial to every employee regardless of gender.
• Alma De Cuba has kick ass food and drink (Doesn't M.O.M. sometimes stand for My Own Madai Tiridito? )

Thank you to David Wescott for putting the trip together and GSK for picking up our mojito tab, etc. And we apologize if any of you now have an earworm,. Here's the antidote: