Blogger, BlogHer, BlogHair

OK, here we go. It's time to go public with the hair story. If for no other reason than to finally get it fixed!
All my adorable baby and toddler pictures show a little girl with straight, straight hair! And, since I was a ballerina, I kept it all the same length - long. By the time I was in 6th grade I hated that perfectly straight, always evenly cut hair soooo much, I did everything - shag, layer, perm - the works. And guess what, it didn't take long before I hated that too. I will say this, I am fortunate to have hair that grows very quickly, though, so it didn't take much time to grow out all the layers and try something different.

In high school I went back to the long and straight but I added bangs. Since my hair spent most of its days and nights in a tight bun on top of my head, this was fine. However, on that rare occasion when I wanted to do something different, my options were limited. I could pull various parts of it back in a braid, twist, French braid, French twist or ponytail. Variations could be added by going straight back or (this was the 80's) on the side of my head. One night I was really desperate to do something special for a dance so I pulled out the curling iron (hoping this time the curls would last long enough for me to get to the dance). I let it heat up while I showered so it would be good and hot. I got out of my shower, toweled off and decided to do my makeup while my hair air dried a little longer (I had lots of very long hair). Now this next part may be a little graphic for some of you so proceed with caution... I leaned forward to do my eye make up and heard a strange sizzling sound. This was immediately followed with excruciating pain and I soon realized I was listening to the sound of my left breast being singed by my curling iron. My effort for beauty resulted in spending the night dancing with a tissue covered in Solarcaine tucked in my bra. Yes, Solarcaine stops sunburn and curling iron pain! (If you're not humming the jingle by now, you may be too young to understand this post)

OK, fast forward a few (translate as several) years to the birth of my first child. For some bizarre reason, after my daughter was born, my very, very, very straight hair decided to get a little bit of body in it. Not bad. At first I just thought it was tired of being permed and decided to fluff up a bit on its own. Then my second child was born. I went from body to wave. OK, still manageable, but a bit... large. Then child number three arrived. Good bye body (hair and actual body), good bye wave, hello friz and, dare I say it, Jewfro. It's ridiculous. Air drying results in a big frizzy mess, blow drying looks great for the first hour and then ends up a big frizzy mess, straightening is something I simply do NOT have the patience for and, you guessed it, still leaves me with a big frizzy mess at the end of the day. I have layered, thinned, textured, bangs, no bangs, you name it! The end result is always the same - dry friz at home in Colorado and big, fluffy, can't fit through the door frizz in any place with humidity.

To add insult to injury, my girls have fabulous hair. My oldest daughter has perfectly curly hair that people pay insane amounts of money to get. Yes, she straightened it for a long time but has now realized how great it is (yeah, a boyfriend convinced her it looked great). My younger daughter has thick straight hair - the hair I fought with as a kid but would do anything to get back as an adult. Of course, it isn't straight enough for her and she does straighten it - I don't understand.

Please, I beg of you, help me!!!

The Jon & Kate Effect

Years ago when I had my first job as a clinical social worker, my supervisor asked me to facilitate a "Divorce Recovery Group" for elementary school students. I flat out told him, "I am happy to faciliate a "Dealing With Divorce" group, but a "Divorce Recovery" group is out of the question. Children do not recover from divorce, they aren't able to go on to another relationship in quite the same way as adults. In fact, they can't. Their parents will always be their parents." I remember he kind of stared at me. Then I said, "Look, parents don't divorce, husbands and wives do. It's not the parent relationship that is breaking apart, it is the marriage." Then the light bulb illuminated and he got it. So "Dealing With Divorce" was put on the schedule.

My own parents divorced when I was 4 and when they did, they told me they both loved me very much but the two of them were not happy. Wasn't a shocker, I knew. When the main communication between two people is yelling, it's sort of obvious. I've always respected my parents for uniting together as parents to tell me they were splitting up as husband and wife. I strongly believe in doing so the take-away I got as a kid was "It's not your fault. It's not a kid thing, it's an adult thing. You are loved, we will take care of you together even if we live apart." And they stuck to that for the most part. Of course there were times when they would argue about visitation or child support, goes with the territory and I'm not going to minimize that fact at all. Very few divorces have precious little bunnies as a mascot. Fortunately the aftermath of my parents' divorce was not devastating to me. I'm very fortunate.

When a couple falls in love it's like the rest of the world falls away and there are only two people making goo-goo eyes at each other and planning their future. No doubt we all have stories of either being in love and neglecting our friends/family or having the experience of being set to the side by a friend who now only spends 24/7 thinking and being with their soon-to-be other half. As wonderful as being in love is, it is also a somewhat selfish period for many people. Usually once the relationship is established and a resolution of how/if it will continue has been made, the couple's world reopens and suddenly they look up and realized "Oh wow. We've got other people in our life." And with that, they may have some fences to mend and often those whom have been woefully neglected understand and respond "Will attend" when the wedding invitation appears in their mailbox.

In my opinion splitting in many ways mimics being in love. Only it's akin to the photo negative of it. I think this is why adults who are divorcing often lose sight of what's going on with their children during the break up. It's not because they don't care or are ignoring the kids, but in most situations the falling in love and getting married happened before the kids came along, so the break-up of that marriage sort of sends the couple back to a time when they didn't have to consider the effect of their relationship on anyone else. I mean, how many of us really watch a couple falling in love and wonder, "What's going to happen to me?" But in divorce, that question is continually present in the minds of most people who are within the circle of a family experiencing a divorce. Especially the kids.

So now we've got Jon & Kate on TV. On the one hand it gives us all a birds eye view on what it looks like when a marriage ends. On the other hand their children will eventually be old enough to see re-runs, if they haven't already seen some of this already. Is it a PR stunt? I hope not. Will this husband and wife actually divorce? I don't know. Will there be reconciliation? I suppose anything is possible. What won't change is the effect this public airing of a private decision will have on their own kids, and also ours. And it doesn't have to be all "bad".

The good that comes out of it is it opens the door to have conversations about divorce. If it's not happening in our own family, statistics definitely support our kids have friends who are dealing with it. While there is a lot written about the importance of having a support system for adults going through a divorce, I haven't seen as much emphasis written about how we can help children support other children who are dealing with divorce.

If kids have questions, especially if they hear adults talking. Answer them truthfully but you don't have to dig up the Guidelines for Child Support and go over them. Here are some ideas of how you can help your kids if you know one of their friends or family members is divorcing. Feel free to add your own in the comments:

1. It's enough to answer, "Will my friend have to move away?" with something along the lines of, "As far as I know, your friend will still live in the same house, but there is a possibility they could move to a smaller one or an apartment. Sometimes that happens. But living in the car? Probably not."

2. Talk about divorce. This is an excellent opportunity to discuss a tough topic under the umbrella of what you want your kids to learn from you, your faith community or your own life experience. Kids do wonder why mom or dad has a stepmother or stepfather, so this is also a way of introducing the idea of what a blended family is to your kids.

3. If your own marriage is in a rocky place, or even if you've just been disagreeing recently, don't be too surprised if your child connects the dots and asks if you are going to divorce. You might want to prepare yourself a bit so that question doesn't throw you completely. More than anything children want to know what will happen to THEM, not YOU. So try to focus on giving them assurances they will be loved, provided for.

4. Keep trash talk contained if the kids are close by. I used to have a supervisor who referred to it as " Remember you are standing in a corn field and there are small ears growing everywhere." Not only will this prevent the airing of your personal opinions on the school playground it will also serve to keep your child in a neutral zone, keeping them out of the war zone which may be going on in the adult world.

5. Be open about the increased need to be a compassionate friend and that can't be understated. On the inside, children are intuitive creatures, even if they may not always demonstrate it on the outside. Kids are really like horses, they sense things. Definitely mention their friend might be going through a bunch of emotions; grumpy, impatient, easily distracted, clingy, sad, tearful, etc. Let kids know these feelings can change from day to day and even minute to minute and to cut their friend some slack and give them some extra wiggle room to be a bit more moody for a while.

6. While the above is helpful for being a friend, keep in mind your child doesn't have to become an emotional doormat for anyone else either. Give your child a couple of empowering, yet sympathetic, phrases they can use if they are feeling somewhat overwhelmed by a friend's demands for attention or need to lash out at someone else, even if unintentional. Phrases like:

I'm your friend. Please be nice to me.- simple statement. Probably says it all.
Even if we aren't getting along right now, I'm your friend. - better for an older kid.
I think it's time for me to go home. -no need to elaborate as to why.

Divorce isn't easy. Certainly Jon & Kate's kids are in for a tough time. Their parents may not be as emotionally available to them, so there is need for others to be compassionate, even in the blogosphere and especially in the media outlets. The married couple divorcing has chosen to live it out, at least until now, on TV but this doesn't mean a legacy should be left for their children which includes googling their television show and happening upon all sorts of terrible things written about their parents, or even themselves. Yes these folks are famous, but it was no more the choice of these children to have this drama played out in the public eye as it was for these kids to choose who their parents would wind up marrying.

I think as parents this public break up of a marriage serves to remind all of us,that regardless of how famous this family has become or what measurement stick we use, the impact of two grown-ups divorcing isn't all that different than if they had never been on TV at all. To Gosselin's children-who never made any of the arrangements; be it the signing of a TV contract or the signing of a marriage license-this isn't reality TV...it's reality.

Doing my part for global warming

DISCLAIMER: For those of you who think this is going to be a post about reduce/reuse/recycle, please stop reading now. Any further reading will be at your own risk! I do not want to receive hate mail from you if you insist on reading the rest of this.

Just in case you do not believe my disclaimer, let me start by saying this. I LOVE my disposable mop, my single use cleanup wipes, and my disposable toilet bowl cleaner wand thing-a-ma-jig. They save me tons of time and they are extremely convenient. In order to counteract the tinge of guilt I have when I toss each one in the trash, I dutifully fill my recycle bin every week with glass, paper, plastic and more cardboard than a family of 5 should use in a month (let alone a week). Oh yeah, I also have reusable shopping bags in my car that I remember to use about once every 10 - 20 trips to the grocery store.

So why do I feel qualified to say I am doing my part? I'll tell you!

My family has lived in our home in Loveland, CO for 12 years now and every summer we say we are going to tint the windows to keep out the heat. This year, we actually did it. We got the girls' bedroom windows on the east side of the house covered with reflective tint. It was surprisingly easy to do. My husband and I got the job done in under an hour and without any arguments! Now the girls are neither blinded nor roasted by the morning sun!

No, I don't think simply because this lowers my air conditioning usage means I am saving the earth. However, Colorado boasts to having over 300 days of sunshine every year and we haven't had a single morning of sun since we did the deed almost 2 weeks ago now. In fact, temperatures are cooler, the rain falls every day and I haven't had a need for heat, air conditioning, or my sprinkler system since then. I'd say I am more than doing my part for our earth!

Of course, now that I posted this, we are bound to hit 90° tomorrow and not drop below it until fall.

Motherhood Is A Gas

I'm very happy to be recognized as a "Go To expert on arm farts." After all, I'm the same "expert" who uses Saturday Night Live as a parenting tool. And I also laugh at my own mistakes when it comes to my parenting on a fairly regular basis.

But even I, laid back about many many things, am a stickler when it comes to decorum and manners. While I am okay with arm farts, I am not okay with them at the library. I may use Saturday Night Live as a parenting tool, but I dont' allow my children to watch SNL without me right there, and truth be told, we don't even watch it"live"; All hail the DVR!

But this post isn't about how technology has changed our TV habits. It's more about something that happened way back in 2005; Aviva and I wrote a book which encouraged moms decrease the guilt and increase the enjoyment of parenting. At that time, we felt the hyper vigilant parenting needed to come to a halt. Anywhere we went (and still we do this) we attempted to absolve parental angst. Gave permission to parents not to worry so much. Urged parents to give their kids, and themselves, more freedom. We screamed "NO!" to anyone who thought the car adapter for a crockpot sounded like a good idea. We yelled, "YES!" to a parent who told us, "I'm going to let my child walk three blocks to school and I'll use that time to exercise or get to work on time." No secret, we had an agenda. And now it seems like our plan for world domination, or just being more relaxed parents, may be coming to fruition.

A week or so ago Lisa Belkin wrote a piece for the New York Times Magazine titled "The End of Over Parenting" Aviva's mother mailed it to Aviva with a note;"You girls started this!"* I don't know if we can make the claim of being groundbreakers, but I believe we can definitely document we've been steadily advocating parents aren't perfect, we don't have to be superhuman and our kids will not suffer if they have to play outside with only their imaginations. We can also stake claim that in 2005 we were mistaken for Judith Warner. A lot.

Now in 2009? I'm the Go To expert for arm farts. Suck it, Judy! (J/K)

Aviva and I are happy the momentum for parents to enjoy parenting and listen to each other's experiences continues to flow to other books and that spirit continues to rise up in different incarnations. The whole reason we wrote our book waybackwhen was to bring attention to what mothers ,and their families, were experiencing in real life, in their words, along with a few this and thats added by us.

If Aviva's mom is right, and we helped by getting the party started, we should keep the party going. Dare I say it? I do. Let's party hardy! Yes, I just used a term from the 80's(and for my next trick I'm going to write "You're a great kid, see you next summer!" all over my next blog post).

So we invite you to party with us.

Here is our Parentopia Party List:

Momfidence

Free Range Kids

The White Trash Mom Handbook

Mommy Confidence

The Ghost In The House

Sleep Is For the Weak

Mojo Mom

You're A Good Mom (And Your Kids Aren't So Bad Either)

Practically Perfect In Every Way

Who else needs to be on this list? Because like any party, there is always The One name which escapes your mind and doesn't get put on the invite list. The One where you slap your forehead with the accompanying "Oh shit. I totally forgot!" And after you think of that name? You think of at least three more!


*Aviva's mother will always refer to Aviva and me as "The Girls" or "You Girls." How can she not when she's known Aviva all of her life and me all of my life minus 7 years? Aviva and I have been friends since 1st grade. And if you've never read our story, here it is.

Photo Caption Contest Over At Club Med Insider, Win a Graco Pack N Play, Dammit!

We're having a photo caption contest over at the home of Parentopia On Vacation. So head on over to Club Med Insider beginning June 2nd. You can enter as many times as you like between now and July 2nd.

The grand prize is a brand new Graco Pack N Play with Newborn Napper. The other prize is a signed copy of our book "Mommy Guilt" and along with it an hour of Family Vacation Consultation from us.

Essentially what this means is you get to have a 3-Way with us(We bet that got your attention. Didn't it?)OVER THE PHONE, AKA Conference call. We want to help you figure out any sort of vacation situation such as:

Tips to make sharing a room more enjoyable for your family and fart sharing less attractive to your children.

Flying, Driving or Riding the Rails: How to minimize crying, whining and tantruming in enclosed spaces. (no age limit, adults included.)

The In-Laws are coming! The In-Laws are coming! Avoiding Matricide and Patricide while away from home.

Of course this is a brief overview of possible issues, however we'll tailor your Hour of Power for what you need for your own family.

There are some conest rules, and they are explained over at Club Med, and yes you will have to register at the Insider, but we PROMISE you will NOT be spammed. They are very professional over there. Yo.

Electronics, shmectronics, they don't scare me.

I parent, therefore I worry.

As a parent I often find myself worrying. Sometimes the worry is justified (it's 2 AM, where is my daughter?), other times it is not (it's noon, did I put the clothes in the dryer?). And then, there are those times I think it is justified and, in fact, it isn't.

There was a time when I would panic (momentarily on the inside) every time my son picked up his Nintendo DS. I feared he would become socially inept, wondered if the violence would create a mass murderer, freaked out when he would ask for a new game, and quivered a little when I would ask him to turn it off and he would say, "I can't right now. I have to finish this level."

Being a teen during the "Video killed the radio star" era, I know how scary technology can be. It looms over us, threatening to change everything we hold sacred (like songs on the radio???). It's almost as if it creeps up and then pounces when we least expect it. Or is it?

Video games have been around for a long time. Sure, they've come a long way since we mastered eye-hand coordination with Pong but they're still just video games. And even when they are as intriguing as Pokemon Platinum Edition or as silly as Kirby, they can't suck my child away into oblivion forever. Yes, he most definitely goes through phases where it appears he can't live without his Nintendo in hand. Fortunately, those phases are brief. After a day or two of living vicariously through that little box, he is guaranteed to put it down somewhere unusual (under the chair in the dining room, perhaps) and completely forget about it. In fact, he recently gave up looking for his Nintendo before every car trip and now makes sure he has a sketch pad and pencil with him.

Like everything else in the world of an 8 year old boy, it's only the most important thing in the world while it is actually happening. After that, who knows? Better yet, who cares? He enjoys his Nintendo when it's important for him to enjoy it and he reads a book or draws some pictures when that is important. Electronics, you don't scare me any more. My son has taught me to take you in stride because some days you keep him happy during a long car ride and other days you wait patiently to be found on my dining room floor.

Memorial Day: It's About More than Just a Bargain, A Barbeque or A Pool Opening

Last November I wrote this post about my father in law and the importance of recognizing the significance of Veteran's Day. Last year I was hunting all over for the picture of my sister in law had emailed me of my father in law at the Korean War Memorial and couldn't find it in time to be able to post it for Veteran's Day.



Well, I am happy to say I found it.


And when I did, the hair stood up on the back of my neck. Right there, do you see it? There is soldier peering over the shoulder of my father in law. How symbolic of past meets present, that the soldiers of yesterday are still the soldiers of today and we must remember they have carried so much on those strong shoulders. The men and women who have served and currently serve so that we may enjoy our freedom and happiness.



But alas this servitude and dedication comes at a price, these warfighters and their families shoulder the responsibility of the effect of experiencing war. War is hell. And that hell often comes in many forms. PTSD and Traumatic Brain Injury, in addition to as loss of limb or, in the worst case scenario, loss of life. Families are fractured every day by the injury and fatality of their loved ones in this time of war. There's just on pretty way to put it. And on Memorial Day, we should do something in addition to having a day off and turning on the grill. We should remember why Memorial Day exists. We should do what we can to remember our fallen heroes and those who currently are in harms way. Whether you agree or not with the war isn't the point.

If you've ever met me, you know I'm probably the least likely person you would expect to be married to a military man. I think I'm used to overhearing people tell my husband, "Your wife is...refreshing." I am a shit disturber, and unapologetically so, if it means getting attention to the crazy amount of stress which is happening right now to our military and their families. Services are being provided, but these services don't just run on love, admiration and gratitude.

They need cold hard cash.

But now we can give it and it's really very simple and won't actually cost you a thing beyond what you normally would be buying during the Memorial Day sales events. Really? YES!

It's so easy and it helps the economy, it helps veterans and it can help you feel like you are helping too. Yesterday I had the privilege of attending the launch of Beyond Tribute, an organization which asks retailers and consumers support our veterans' service organizations by registering their business in the Beyond Tribute program or pledge to shop those companies who are participating in Beyond Tribute. The concept is simple, companies agree to donate a portion of their Memorial Day and Veteran's Day sales proceeds to Beyond Tribute, which in turn will send it to the Veteran's Service organizations.

As Pamela Stokes Eggleston from Blue Star Families said it yesterday, "I'm shopping the sales, you should too!" and now you can shop, as Bob Balaban put it, "as an act of conscience." Please spread the word to the stores where you shop.




Our military, veterans and their families thank you for your support. And so do I.

So yesterday, we were on the phone with Katie Couric...

No, she didn't butt dial us.

It was a conference call with bloggers from SVMoms Group and the purpose was to have a conversation about children and the recession. CBS News will be featuring special programming which will be focussing upon the economy and how children (and their families) are coping in these tough times.

We were asked to submit a couple of questions to get the ball rolling. I sent the following:

Having worked as a school social worker in rural Louisiana, I know all too well the high incidence of children living in poverty existed long before this recession. In my small school in Plain Dealing Louisiana I had students without indoor plumbing or electricity. And this was in the early 90's. It wasn't uncommon for teachers to collect clothing and food for entire families at my school. So while many people, outside of rural communities or poor parts of urban areas, may think this poverty condition is "new" it's not. We've been ignoring the blips on the radar screen for years. The recession has merely made the blips larger and more difficult to ignore.

1. What of the children who have survived hurricanes Katrina, Ivan and now have parents facing an additional hardship of a recession?

2. How are the programs initially set up to meet the needs of this population of children and their families, now effected by the compounded problem of the recession?

Over at DC Metro Moms, I've written a little bit about some of my work with families living in poverty. Aviva worked with Parents As Teachers as a parent educator, visiting families at home and knows how parents worry about how their children will do if the family is under stress too. She encountered families struggling to make ends meet as well as families who had decent resources. We all know parenting can be tough even under good circumstances.

When I worked as a crisis intervention counselor in Kansas, I heard more than my fair share of families dealing with rising health care costs for their children and facing insurmountable insurance hurdles. But this was before the recession. These were times when money may have been tight for families, but at least unemployment levels were reasonable and while we had experienced a brief war during that time, the price of the war wasn't as high as the current situations in Afghanistan and Iraq. Not only are military families under far more stress, military families aren't even defined the same way if we consider how many are affiliated with Reservists and National Guard.

Back then, however, the day to day was at least viewed as managable by most people's standards.

Now what's going on? We've got a recession. And families are hurting. Parents are overwhelmed with how to handle job loss, insurance gaps and health care needs. Education budgets are being cut, but at the same time schools are stepping in to be community centers in a way they haven't been doing for quite some time.

And Katie Couric is using her star power to be the voice of the children. Admittedly, I was dubious. I've seen how celebrities adopt a pet project, and then abandon it soon after. But then Katie Couric said something during our phone call that resonated with me. She said she felt this issue was on par with her work to promote awareness about colon cancer. I knew Katie's husband had died from colon cancer. And I knew she had worked tirelessly to get information about colon cancer to the public. She further stated the issue of children and the recession, once addressed, isn't one that will go away and will have to be revisited. Just as she does with colon cancer.

And with that statement, she won me over. We hope you will watch the CBS News coverage of Children of the Recession. It will be featured programming on CBS Evening News, Face the Nation and The Early Show.

Mom's Night Out Is Good Stuff

Last Monday night I pre-celebrated Mother's Day with my posse from DC Metro Moms Blog. Oh, and this guy. (Who knew he had such fabulous cheekbones!)

There were approximately 27 bloggers in attendance. We hadn't all gotten together since October, so this seemed like the perfect way to reconnect with one another in real life. Call it a Moms/Girls Night Out, call it an Office Party, call it a mitzvah since Quaker made a donation to the Capital Area Food Bank in honor of the DC Metro Moms Bloggers. Call it whatever you want but the bottom line is 27 of us (maybe more, I'm not so great in the math department) were able to make ourselves a priority and have a grown up evening. Something many parents have a tough time doing. Not because we don't think it's important, we just may experience a spike in the Guilt-O-Meter when it comes to taking time for ourselves.

As we roll into Mother's Day, a holiday some bless and others curse, it's perfectly acceptable to appreciate yourself by taking some time to be yourself and yeah, that sometimes means being out of hearing range if anyone is yelling, "MOM?!"

1976 Revisited; Swine Flu, Disco and The Center for Disease Control

Newsflash! The Swine Flu is making a comeback. Everyone, grab your Purell and head for the hills!

Oh hell no.

We remember the fear of the flu from the 70's, and frankly the Swine Flu is far less frightening than a resurgence of a feathered hair pandemic. Now is the time to speak with your children about the danger of being influenced by too much Disco and relax a little about the Swine Flu.

But even so, the Center for Disease Control is a place where parents can turn for information. Oh wait. Oops! No. Sorry. Just moms. Dads, it appears you guys are S.O.L.

The mission statement for the CDC states the following:

"The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) serves as the national focus for
developing and applying disease prevention and control, environmental health, and health
promotion and health education activities designed to improve the health of the people of the
United States." (CDC Website Citation)

Recently the CDC offered a "Focus On Moms Forum." Huh? It said "people" in the mission statement. Not only did the CDC leave a bunch of people out, namely dads, it is dismissed the role fathers play in the health of children. Furthermore, with this narrow focus, the CDC is keeping the ball rolling on the outdated notion that mothers are "supposed" to be the only ones caring for children and concerned about the health and well being of children. The CDC is propagating a stereotype that fathers aren't expected to take care of children and that fathers wouldn't be interested in issues pertaining to the health and well-being of children.

This is total bullshit.

No doubt the majority of carework still falls on the shoulders of moms, but it is also true carework by dads is increasing and looks to be at an all-time historical high.

Given the recent data on families, we think the CDC should rethink how it defines "people" and include fathers in that definition. Unless we misunderstood the mission statement and the CDC is referring to these people , and if so, we hope the CDC will be adding Boogie Fever to the travel warning list as soon as possible.

Oh and one more thing CDC, if you are going to panic people to stay home and schools to shut down, we need to have a plan, otherwise you're just asking us all to do the hustle.

"YES!" is the new "No" and it's a useful gift for Mother's and Father's Day

"No" is often a knee jerk response used anywhere and everywhere, but in parenting especially it seems to rule our world. But you don't have to live in a dictatorship of negativity. Nope. You don't.

Is "No" a hard habit to break?* It doesn't have to be. And yes, you can still use "No" and even feel good when you use it. In our book we offer up:

Mommy Guilt-free Principle #5

Get used to saying yes more often and being able to defend your no.

Goonsquad Sarah has shared her recent experience with incorporating more "Yes" into her parenthood in her post "Working On Yes" and so has Bad Mommy Moments with her post "project YES"

"YES" is a Mother's Day or Father's Day gift the entire family can use and enjoy.

*Earworm sufferers, there is hope.

A funny thing happened on my way to aisle 17

Late Breaking News: Rather than be replaced by an online version, The New York Times is being replaced by baklava.

The post where I overshare with purpose.

A couple of nights ago I was up almost every hour with a lovely gastro-intestinal thing which allowed me an unexpected opportunity to catch up with my magazine reading. As I made the dash to the bathroom, I grabbed the May issue of Woman's Day I had purchased earlier that afternoon. Aviva and I had quoted in an article about how parents can give their teens more freedom and have less worry. (The article is"Independence Day" and is written by Karen Leland.) I read the article where we appeared and began to peruse the rest of the magazine.

Intermittently.

Flipping through the pages, my eye caught on an article headline recommending, "drink a smoothie." Given my current state of being, a smoothie definitely sounded appealing. After reading the short paragraph which included a recipe for a fruit smoothie featuring banana (yay!), my eye wandered along the page to another headline which suggested, "do a mole check in the shower."

"What?!" my own voice screamed in my head and then it took off on it's own, "What the hell are they talking about? That's really strange." Obviously I had to do a double take. Not because I am unfamiliar with checking one's skin for moles, I know all about that having more doctors in my family than one ever has a right to, it's because I didn't read "mole" as something relating to the skin or a health concern. I went in a totally different direction because I didn't make the transition from the previous food related topic, i.e the smoothie, to a non-food related topic of relating to one's epidermis.

Nope, not a single dermatological connection made it into my brain, instead my brain went to Mexico spent time with a Mexican sauce which is pronounced as "Mo-lay."

And this is why, my friends, "do a check for mole in the shower" caught me just a little off guard.

Moral of the story: Devra really likes Mole, but not enough to bathe with it.

Picture credit: We Love DC.

She Dreamed a Dream

I know I'm a bit late on this. I'll be honest. I saw Susan Boyle's name and face flash on my screen well over a dozen times yesterday but, not being a reality TV fan (it's true, I'm not), I ignored it. Then, tonight I got an email from a friend of mine with a link to a You Tube video. It was Susan Boyle's audition for Britain's Got Talent. I've listened to it 5 times in the last half hour. It's playing right now in the background - can you hear it? Your loss if you can't. This is amazing!

Of course, after listening, I began to Google (Googling??). Susan Boyle's face, voice and story are everywhere. Overwhelmingly, people are saying the same thing: no name, homely looking, unemployed, 40-something year old woman amazes audience and judges. It's a wonderful story. I almost said it was also a sad story but the story isn't sad at all. The way people have decided to react to it though, is both mind boggling and heart breaking.

When I listened to her sing, my first reaction was, "Holy shit. What an amazing voice!" It was most definitely NOT, "Wow, she sure can sing for an old, ugly woman." You see, I sing (nothing like Susan or Elaine Paige of course). And, I am not a tall, thin, young, milky complexioned beauty. I am a short, need to lose 15 pounds, 40-something (barely), mother of 3. When I walk out onto a stage though, I am anyone and anything I care to be at that moment. I do my best to set aside thoughts of those few extra pounds or the lovely chin "blemish" that just had to appear on opening night. I put all my energy into performing my heart out and I hope that is what the audience sees.

I think the most heart breaking part of watching the videos and reading the stories about Susan Boyle is that, while she probably never thought of herself as a beauty queen, she does not need the focus of her performance to be all the reasons she should have failed. The fact is, the woman can sing! Why is there a need to point out the faults as reasons for amazement instead of just saying, "WOW! That was amazing. You have an incredible voice and I am honored to be part of letting the whole world know about you."

The most beautiful part of this story: When asked where she got the courage to go out and do this, Susan responded it was to fulfill a wish for her mother. I have no doubt she has fulfilled the wish several times over for her mother and for people everywhere. People who do not live the glamorous life. An article found in The Herald describes Susan in words all too familiar to those of us who spend time caring for others. It speaks of those of us who gradually set aside our exercise routines, tidy wardrobes, and make-up and replace them with practical clothes and a few extra pounds.

Could this description fit that of a mother? Why yes, I do believe I've been known to represent that. This is not necessarily all bad. It just means we selflessly put others needs above our own.

While living selflessly may be a reputable trait, we should be able to do it without losing sight of ourselves. I believe it is perfectly OK to be selfish every once in a while because it refuels us. If we only give, give, give, we may eventually run out... of energy, of desire, of time. I am so proud of Susan for having the courage to perform and I am humbled by her story. I believe she can, should and will serve as a reminder to mothers and others to chase our dreams, follow our hearts, and live for the thrill and happiness we all deserve in our lives no matter what we look like, how we spend our days, or how others perceive us.

Please, please, please don't let this all turn out to be a scam to boost ratings!

Lynch Syndrome sprouts on the family tree

My PE teacher in elementary school was Mr. Lynch. I have no idea why I remember his name when I can hardly remember the names of my relatives. It certainly is not because PE was my favorite class. As a matter of fact, I distinctly recall doing anything possible to get out of participating in PE. I was a ballerina; sports were not my thing. This really has nothing to do with what I am about to write but, for some reason, it's what comes to mind every time I think of Lynch Syndrome.

Six months ago I had never heard of Lynch Syndrome. Then, 72 hours changed everything. It was Yom Kippur Kol Nidre service - the high holiday, the holiest day, a day of repentance and thought. My husband, Kurt, had been so tired lately, his color was all wrong and he was forgetful and grouchy. A good friend of ours saw him at services and told him he was calling in lab work to have done at the hospital in the morning. The next day he went in and had some blood drawn. It was a Thursday. Our friend called a couple of hours later to let me know Kurt was really sick. In fact, his hematocrit was so low, the hospital staff didn't know how he was even walking. Kurt had played softball twice that week! He ordered a CT scan to try to determine where the internal bleeding might be. There was nothing I could do but wait.

A few hours later, another call. The CT scan showed something in his intestines. They thought it was colitis - some inflammation of unknown cause. The first choice to be made: he could go home for the night and then return to the hospital the next day for a colonoscopy or just check in now and get things started. We didn't see much point in delaying things so we met at home just long enough to pack a small bag and return to the hospital. I got him settled and returned home to the kids.

The next morning meant more waiting. I got the kids off to school and went into work. I had to keep busy. The colonoscopy was scheduled for 10 AM. Around 10:30 he called to tell me the surgeon had shingles so he was delayed until the afternoon. I was sitting at my desk when I got the call. The doctor said Kurt was recovering nicely. The procedure had gone well but Kurt needed more surgery. The scope made it far enough to find a mass at the junction of the large and small intestine. "He has colon cancer," the doctor told me in a very matter of fact tone. I suppose the lab results were so extreme, the doctor figured I must have known he was really sick. I thanked him for his call, hung up the phone and went back to work. I was in a bit of a haze but there were things I had to get done before the kids were out of school and there was nothing I could do at the hospital until Kurt woke up.

I was in shock. No, I wasn't. To be perfectly honest, given his mother's history with colon cancer, as soon as I heard the results of the CT scan I expected the diagnosis. I finished up at the office, rounded up the kids and returned to the hospital. Kurt and I talked about the results and the next steps. More surgery. I returned home to explain things to our 3 kids - ages 16, 14 and 8. I called my folks and his mom, then went to bed. On Saturday morning we all went to the hospital. Kurt and I met the surgeon. We were confident in his ability and quite surprised to find out he had been through the same thing just a few years ago. Kurt went into the OR. More waiting.

My folks kept the kids busy. The surgery finally ended. We all sat down in a room while the surgeon explained what he had done. The mass, 8 inches of colon, his appendix and several lymph nodes had all been removed. No colostomy and the abdominal cavity looked good. All good news. The tissue would be sent to pathology but it was just to confirm the cancer diagnosis at this point. After that, the talk of family history and testing for Lynch Syndrome began.

Never having heard of Lynch Syndrome before, I did a little research. Not nearly as much as Kurt did while recovering in the hospital over the next 5 days, but I did look into things a bit. The bottom line was this: Lynch Syndrome is a genetic disposition to get cancer - predominantly colon cancer but other cancers as well. A couple of months after the surgery and about halfway through his chemotherapy, he had the genetic test done. Not surprisingly, it was positive. More choices: do we have the kids tested? If so, when? Does it matter what the test results would be or is it just important to watch them more closely than would be routine for cancer screening? How will this information effect their lives? On the up side, we can look for early signs and do some preventive work. On the down side, do they carry a cloud of having a greater chance of developing cancer?

Cancer is a weird thing. The word makes people speak in hush tones and brings pity. The diagnosis is both terrifying and a relief to know what's going on. The prognosis for Kurt is great at this point but Lynch Syndrome means we could go through this all again with Kurt and/or with our children. The more answers we get, the more questions we seem to have. Perhaps all the confusion, choices and waiting is why my head chooses to go back to elementary school every time I hear someone say, "Lynch."

Stay tuned and I'll let you know about all the other things you need to think about when someone in your life is diagnosed with cancer. The things you don't hear about from the doctors or read about on the websites. The day to day stuff... Of course, it may not be any time real soon. My priorities change even more rapidly now than they did before!