On Being Facebook Smart

Last December when our son turned thirteen I asked him if he would like to open his very own Facebook account. He told me he wasn't interested. Life went on. A few months later we visited friends who lived in a land far far away Kansas. When we returned from the trip my son told me he would like to take me up on my offer and he wanted to start using Facebook. During our sojourn to the Wild Wild Midwest he had reconnected with his friends and now wished to hang out with them on Facebook. I was cool with it. After all Facebook is way less expensive than airplane tickets to Wichita.

As we sat in front of the computer going through the steps to set up his account, I explained the rules of engagement as they relate to the responsibility of having a Facebook account. We'd already had a discussion about online safety when he first ventured online. When he got a cell phone which included a camera, we had a talk about cell phone photography versus cell phone pornography, much like what SoCal Mom discussed with her daughter.

My rules were simple:

1. You must friend me. Not because I am lonely, if you've noticed I have over 500 of my own friends, you need to friend me if you want to be on Facebook.

2. I must know your password. Granted I will also have to write it down and I promise not to show it to your little brother. but you still need to give it to me. If you change it, you must give me the new one. And again, I will not share that information with your brother.

3. For my part, I promise not to abuse my power. I will not sign into your account without your knowledge. I will not change anything on your wall or profile without discussing it with you first. However, there could be a situation where I need to act quickly, and I reserve the right to do that, again, I will not abuse my power.

4. Believe me, I know your friends will use language I prefer you not use. As long as you know what I expect from you, we're good to go. After all, I had friends in middle school and highschool who wound up behind bars, but did I? No. Make good choices. offline and online.

With teens I tend to lean toward the "less is more" when it comes to words, yet at the same time I make sure I'm packing plenty of information in what I do say. But even so, I knew there would come a time when I might have to step in and provide more guidance. After all, as parents it is difficult, albeit almost impossible, to anticipate every situation and how our child will respond. Thinking Mother brings up an excellent point in her post, when she addresses whether or not children understand the ramification of their actions online. Kids will make mistakes. My son did. It wasn't a very serious one, but it provided a backdrop for an important life lesson.

My son plays soccer and he had been approached by another team's coach. The coach had made the suggestion that my son should try out for that coach's team. My son was very flattered. He was excited to have been asked but at the same time had no plan to take that coach up on his offer. My son is very happy on his current team. But that night my son updated his status to say "I was asked to try out for another travel soccer team."

Within seconds I saw the update and called my son into my office (I work from home, he didn't have to hop the metro). "Hey, do you realize you've got your coach's son as a Facebook friend? What do you think he's going to think when he reads your update?" My son looked at me for a moment, his face flushed and said, "That I'm going to leave the team. Uh oh. I need to fix that!" So I showed him how to delete his status and we had a brief conversation about whether or not he should send a message to the coach's son. In a matter of seconds the decision was removed from him because I received an email from the coach asking "Is your son leaving our team?" My son sent an email to his coach and explained how the misunderstanding had happened, all because of a quickly written Facebook update based upon a situation only my son experienced.

Lesson learned. No need to have knee jerk response and ban him from the Interwebs until he moves out of the house. Instead I let him clean up his own mess, while offering support and consultation as needed.

No lie, it's dififcult for many of us not to swoop in, hit the delete button, the off switch or the mute feature. Need inspiration to keep the brakes on? Check out what AMoore has to offer. Look, parenting is tough in these high tech times, but if you're going to suck in your breath, let me give you a pointer; If you've never used Lamaze, it will come in handy during the teen years. Breathe with me. Heeeee heeeee whoooooo heeeee heeeee whoooooo.

The Family Connections Group is BlogHer’s community journalism project. I am a Contributing Editor for Family Connections/Digital Parenting

Cross-Posted from BlogHer- Extreme Makeover, The Sun-Maid Raisin Girl Edition

This post I wrote for BlogHer ran earlier in the week. Enjoy!

How she sneaked into the plastic surgeon's office avoiding the paparazzi is any one's guess, but recently the Sun-Maid Raisin girl let her guard down -- she was caught on video as she cavorted among the grape vines somewhere near Fresno. Lo and behold, we come to discover this isn't the first time she's had some work done. From what I've been able to track down on the Interwebs, this girl first consulted with either a stylist or surgeon in 1923, then in 1956, and again sometime in 1970.

Enter 2009, the information age, where even an illustrated corporate logo can't escape the watchful eye of, well, everyone.

And when The People saw the new look on the old girl? They responded. Folks want to know what up with that? Or in this case, those. The folks over at Jezebel have called out what they believe to be an obvious breast augmentation:

The Sun-Maid has had yet another makeover. And apparently some implants. And a cleanse. Lorraine Collett-Petersen would hardly recognize herself.

Quite possibly the Sun-Maid Girl hasn't changed at all on the inside, maintaining her innocence, being demure. We just can't see it on the outside. Anyone remember Jessica in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? She's not bad, she's just drawn that way.

All celebrities have an image to cultivate and protect. Fairly simple if you are a human being, but woe is the celeb who is an artistic rendering. Cindy at Guanabee isn't allowing herself to be distracted by the new tah-tahs -- instead, she takes the maid's new "sim" look to task;

Critics are up in arms about her new, CGI look. Personally, we find CGI cold and impersonal–the exact opposite of the original, warm, Sun-Maid Raisin girl logo.

Not only would I agree the new look is "cold and impersonal," but did you notice the size of her hands? They are huge! Maybe her hands are large so she is better equipped to perform her monthly breast self-exam. Added kudos to the animators for now making hand size an indication of a woman's breast size. After all, large hands on men have been used to estimate penis size for years. It's high time men got a shot at figuring out what women are hiding under our peasant blouses.

Certainly in the 1970's the Sun-Maid Girl could have proudly sported an IBTC iron-on tee shirt in disco-inspired glitter writing. In the years following the death of disco it's obvious she resigned and is no longer a member in good standing of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. In fact, the Sun-Maid Girl left her sisters in the dust.

The resulting reaction is mixed in 2009. Bored in Vernal admits her own vexation:

You all know I'm a live-and-let-live kind of person, so I surprise myself sometimes with my visceral reaction against breast implants, liposuction, facelifts, and other types of elective surgery. It's not only that I don't think they're safe, or that their cost could feed a small village for a year, or even the standard feminist argument against them. There might be a teeny bit of "you-didn't-earn-that-body-by-slaving-away-in-a-hot-gym" to it all.

Let's get real even if the boobs look fake. Who amongst us hasn't seen an attractive gal and heard the echo of "Bitch!" inside our own head? Even the most open minded and non-judgmental can hear that voice from time to time. It sneaks into our head despite all of our efforts to think positive thoughts like "She's got great bone structure and a Harvard education. You go girl!" We need not dwell in the land of negativity, look toward the light. Our very own BlogHer Contributing Editor Mel from Stirrup Queens put this out there for consideration:

I thought her boobs were glowing... Glowing boobs not only say to every person you pass "look at these!" but they can also double as a flashlight if you lose power.

Excellent point! After all, breasts have long been dubbed "headlights." Certainly glowing breasts could be quite useful if you can't find your car keys in an unlit parking garage or when you are out jogging after sunset.

And yes, that is the plan for little miss Sun-Maid. She's going to be doing things we "normal" women do. According to the Sun-Maid website, the icon will demonstrate her everywomanliness;

doing yoga along the beach, walking her way to lasting fitness and sharing healthy recipes and mini meals.

She may be doing more than just sitting pretty on a box, but she's still not giving up her day job as a corporate logo.

Although I'm not convinced using melons to sell raisins is the most logical of marketing decisions.

And now a word from our sponsor....

Strange things happen when you become a grown up. You do some of the same things you did as a kid, only differently. Like now I drag my children to the grocery store, just like my mother did when I was a child. Certain traditions, moments of parental horror, chagrin or amusement, travel down from generation to generation. I think grocery stores are very special places where parents across the ages have shared many "moments" with their children. My family is no exception. We have some we truly treasure.

Moments like this one:

"Please get off the floor now! I'm not buying (insert crappy junk food of your choice) because I've already purchased enough (insert crappy junk food of your choice). Screaming at the top of your lungs isn't going to persuade me to do buy anything else. Wait, I take that back. Where is the margarita mix, I need that now."

Because I have told my children we buy certain foods "occasionally," this moment was born:

"Mom, can I get a Lunchable? Do we have an occasion for it?" which then resulted in another shopper who stared at me hard as if to say silently, "I'm waiting to hear what kind of occasion your family celebrates with Lunchables."

So what is the post actually about? An endorsement. A sponsorship. Whatever you want to call it, I'm calling it full disclosure. Everybody eats, so it's not a stretch for me to agree to endorse a grocery store chain, particularly if it is one I actually grew up going to as a kid and had been using prior to any endorsement/sponsorship agreement. People have seen me shopping at Giant. I have been invited to events by Giant. So nothing of consequence changes at Parentopia due this new business relationship. Actually, if you must know, Giant Food and I have a personal relationship too, one which even predates this blog.

I was keeping it a secret. Until now...

When my family moved to Connecticut, Stop & Shop is the grocery store my mother dragged me to as a kid. Fortunately for her, I had outgrown the tantrum phase by then, as I was already in 4th grade. So mainly when I accompanied her to the grocery store I did so as a prepubescent smartass whose main concern was getting back home so I could three-way-call with my friends. I did not outgrow the smartassery, it merely intensified with age. Case in point, an annual party I hosted at my house during 3 of my four years of highschool aptly named, "The Pseudo-Shakespearean Pancake Day Party & Scavenger Hunt."

The origin of this annual event, was inspired by shared appreciation of my highschool English teacher, Ms. Lorraine Drazba(AKA Drazbawoman), my Drama teacher Julian Schlusberg and my then boyfriend's(now husband) home town celebration of "Elbert Colorado Pancake Day."

What this meant is that for 3 years running the scavenger list included:

Obtain an autograph from a manager at Stop & Shop. You must ask for his/her autograph and insist you are a really big fan of their produce department. ( I changed it up to read "aisle 5" and then" the pharmacy" for the following 2 years.)

Fast forward through college, grad school, a wedding, two children, 20 years (and counting)of military family life and we're now living in Northern Virginia. I had no idea Stop & Shop had a sibling nearby named Giant Food. I didn't realize the two stores were related until I met Laura Tomasetti from 360 Public Relations at an event in DC. Giant is a client of theirs and she explained the shared history of Giant Food and Stop & Shop, while I kept mum about my own history with Stop & Shop. After all, there really does need to be an appropriate time and a place for 'fessing up to driving a grocery store manager insane year after year. Right?

The time has come. All is now revealed. If you see me tweeting about Giant, there will be a hashtag accompanying those tweets, #GiantFood. If I tell you about a partnership Giant has with the American Institute of Cancer Research, it's because I personally attended the launch of that program in DC last month. If you see me shopping at Giant, it's because we're out of toilet paper.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Pre-BlogHer Meet Up in DC, Join Devra!

It's BlogHer season! Time to pick up new shoes and head to Chicago! But first....


We've got some stuff going on in the DC which Devra has planned for BlogHer peeps.


Devra has put together a Pre-BlogHer meetup for DC, VA and MD Bloggers. It's this weekend, Sunday July 12th at 7PM at National Harbor. You can RSVP here. The meet up is sponsored by Safety 1st. There will be some Safety 1st swag as well as a giveaway or two.

This is an all inclusive evening, mom blogger, food blogger, tech blogger, travel blogger, sex blogger, gay, straight, married, single, republican, democrat, of color, of paleness, etc. Whatever your blog or whoever you be, you need to eat and drink and I want you there!

See you on Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

And if you can't be there, but will be at BlogHer, make sure you find me as well as the Safety 1st booth as they will be there too!

Blogger, BlogHer, BlogHair

OK, here we go. It's time to go public with the hair story. If for no other reason than to finally get it fixed!
All my adorable baby and toddler pictures show a little girl with straight, straight hair! And, since I was a ballerina, I kept it all the same length - long. By the time I was in 6th grade I hated that perfectly straight, always evenly cut hair soooo much, I did everything - shag, layer, perm - the works. And guess what, it didn't take long before I hated that too. I will say this, I am fortunate to have hair that grows very quickly, though, so it didn't take much time to grow out all the layers and try something different.

In high school I went back to the long and straight but I added bangs. Since my hair spent most of its days and nights in a tight bun on top of my head, this was fine. However, on that rare occasion when I wanted to do something different, my options were limited. I could pull various parts of it back in a braid, twist, French braid, French twist or ponytail. Variations could be added by going straight back or (this was the 80's) on the side of my head. One night I was really desperate to do something special for a dance so I pulled out the curling iron (hoping this time the curls would last long enough for me to get to the dance). I let it heat up while I showered so it would be good and hot. I got out of my shower, toweled off and decided to do my makeup while my hair air dried a little longer (I had lots of very long hair). Now this next part may be a little graphic for some of you so proceed with caution... I leaned forward to do my eye make up and heard a strange sizzling sound. This was immediately followed with excruciating pain and I soon realized I was listening to the sound of my left breast being singed by my curling iron. My effort for beauty resulted in spending the night dancing with a tissue covered in Solarcaine tucked in my bra. Yes, Solarcaine stops sunburn and curling iron pain! (If you're not humming the jingle by now, you may be too young to understand this post)

OK, fast forward a few (translate as several) years to the birth of my first child. For some bizarre reason, after my daughter was born, my very, very, very straight hair decided to get a little bit of body in it. Not bad. At first I just thought it was tired of being permed and decided to fluff up a bit on its own. Then my second child was born. I went from body to wave. OK, still manageable, but a bit... large. Then child number three arrived. Good bye body (hair and actual body), good bye wave, hello friz and, dare I say it, Jewfro. It's ridiculous. Air drying results in a big frizzy mess, blow drying looks great for the first hour and then ends up a big frizzy mess, straightening is something I simply do NOT have the patience for and, you guessed it, still leaves me with a big frizzy mess at the end of the day. I have layered, thinned, textured, bangs, no bangs, you name it! The end result is always the same - dry friz at home in Colorado and big, fluffy, can't fit through the door frizz in any place with humidity.

To add insult to injury, my girls have fabulous hair. My oldest daughter has perfectly curly hair that people pay insane amounts of money to get. Yes, she straightened it for a long time but has now realized how great it is (yeah, a boyfriend convinced her it looked great). My younger daughter has thick straight hair - the hair I fought with as a kid but would do anything to get back as an adult. Of course, it isn't straight enough for her and she does straighten it - I don't understand.

Please, I beg of you, help me!!!

Extra Extra Hear All About It

What is with mainstream media? All of a sudden it has become "news" mothers are online? Really. From the way many of these stories are reported evidently motherhood makes women so moronic it is now "news" that we've been able to figure out how to use the internet for anything else besides Ebay or Etsy. Or maybe, as it is oft reported, it's because mothers are women, and gosh, women finally have come into our own and we're using technology like, oh, lemme think...Who? Who? WHO?...

I GOT IT!
I KNOW!
I KNOW!

Men.

Oh puhlease. Watching all of this crap being presented as "news" only convinces me the media outlets reporting these type of *eye openers* should just give up the ghost and intro their stories with, "And now a special report, Fun For The Feeble Minded, meet Kay, a mom who uses Twitter. We'll also be pointing out how significant it is that she doesn't have a penis." I'm not even bothering to link to all of the ridiculous reporting because it's, well, ridiculous. Of course I am aware my lack of linkage will in no way deter the stupidity being thrust into our collective living room by a collective newsroom. But The News could come back to us. I think it really could. You know what might bring back The News? If members of the journalism community,editors/producers included, assigned to this craptastical "news" answered those requests with "NO."

While we wait for someone to get back to us on that, maybe it's time we just made their take on us our joke on them.

Anyone else want to join me in a cocktail or mocktail as we watch the next segment about women online?

Suggestions for "Drink!" prompts begin NOW.

Happy Thanksgiving! Here's some stuff(ing).

If you are taking a break from cooking, eating, sleeping, or spending time with relatives or having some alone time maybe you are looking for some links to check out. Here ya go...

If you want to see another side of Aviva, she's also writing at Rocky Mountain Moms Blog and her first post is how she's looking at turning 40-something. Devra has a post up about Thanksgiving Past over at DC Metro Moms Blog.

Devra was interviewed by a PBS Parents' SuperSister at the National Book Festival in DC:






Did you know there are baby planners? Are you repulsed by this idea or do you think it's being over-thought and in a few years baby planners will be viewed as an option in the same way a wedding planner currently is considered?


From time to time you see stuff on our blog about marketing and parent blogging. Reason is obviously we are members of the blogging community and we also work with marketing/PR folks if our expertise is requested by a client and we all decide we have a *match*. Devra moderated and participated on a panel this past summer at BlogHer titled "Commercialization of the Momosphere: Policies, Ethics and Outreach." Here's a take-away written up by Nanette Marcus over at iMedia and another penned by Malena Amuna at Women's eNews.

It's Been Forever

OK, it happens each time I go to these things. I meet lots of incredible bloggers and I tell myself I will post more often! BlogHer was, what, like 6 weeks ago now. I know I should post more. Believe me, I have ideas on a daily basis - at least. I just can't seem to sit still long enough to get them typed. I get to the computer and check my mail (1st mistake), after sorting through the garbage and the good stuff, I usually pop on over to Facebook (2nd HUGE mistake). About an hour or 2 or 3 later, I am ready to post... The problem is by then, I either need to drop off or pick up a kid somewhere or, more likely, I have completely forgotten what I wanted to post (if I even remember I was going to post at all).

On the bright side, the time I spend on Facebook has reconnected me with so many people from my past. It's like a big old reunion right here in my house with no schedules to arrange and no airline tickets to purchase. I love it. I've found high school friends, BBYO friends, camp friends, friends of friends. I even discovered my own cousin was engaged because I saw her talking about it on Facebook. How crazy is that?

Oh yeah... So, it's been forever since I posted and lots has been happening. BlogHer with Mom Road Trip, a new season with LCS, back to school events, the DNC right here, close to home and some new discoveries about communicating on line. Like Devra said, it's a bit overwhelming to even figure out where to start!

I won't start at the beginning (too long ago to remember), or at the end (even though that would be easy). I want to start by sharing the discoveries I have made along the way. Regardless of where I am, who I am with, or what I am doing, the same question is asked of me over and over again, "What do you blog about?" It probably shouldn't catch me off guard but it does. It catches me just as off guard as, "What do you do?" and "Wow, you wrote a book, did you always want to be a writer?"

These all sound like reasonable questions to ask someone at a blogger conference, blogger meet up or any other blogger gathering. The problem is I never considered myself a "blogger." Yes, I have a blog. Yes, I write on the blog. But, as I have already said, I don't write very often - at least not as often as I feel I should. I always thought bloggers were people who posted daily (at the very least)! You know what I have learned over the past couple of months? That simply is not true. Sure, there are those who post daily, heck, it seems like hourly, but there are also those of us who post less often. The reasons for this are as varied as the people I have met. Up until this point in time, my response has been something along the lines of, "Well, umm, you see, I have a blog but it's only because I wrote a parenting book and then my co-author and I started a speaking business supported by a web site and our web master told us to start a blog." If you have ever heard that lame response from me please replace it with the following:

Devra and I blog at parentopia.com. As parenting professionals, our blog definitely talks about parenting issues but we also blog about anything that we believe may be of interest to parents or others involved with the care of children. It may be new born coping strategies, school topics, political, social, fun, serious, kid full or kid free. Occasionally, we even blog about things we find blog worthy at the moment even if they have nothing at all to do with parents or kids! Just come look, it's too hard to explain.

As for the answers to the other 2 questions I mentioned, they haven't changed much...

1. What I do depends on the day of the week, the time of the day and the season.

2. No, I never aspired to be a writer. My BA is in Adolescent Behavior and Sexuality and my post graduate work is in health care system reimbursement and early childhood. Writing is just something I do and I am a bitch of an editor (just ask my kids).

I suppose this post would fall into the "nothing to do with parents or kids" category so we'll file it under, "a personal revelation I thought I would share" and call it good. I fully intend to post soon (a relative term) on other recent events I mentioned and even share some things I am degreed in and have put to use as the mom of 2 adolescents. Now you're all interested aren't you. So y'all come back soon now, ya' hear!

Parentopia: The Return

Re-entering the day to day of our lives after spending almost a month engaging with our online community of colleagues and friends is the reason why Aviva and I have been on hiatus. Later this month we'll be posting more about what we've been up to. Why promise this week when we know better? Life is way too hectic right now to promise that! We will write a recap of our summer of (cyber)Love. Not that kind of cyber love, not the kind you need to chase the children out of the room to read online. We'll be posting about the people we met on the road as well as those we connected with, and in many cases reconnected with, at BlogHer. We may have a few posts about it, now that I start thinking about all of the stuff we need to recap.

When I think about blogging about all of it, I start to feel the same kind of angst surfacing whenver I get an invite to one of those photo scrapbooking parties. I know I have a ton of photos, deteriorating because I am not keeping my family heirlooms in some sort of acid free container which could withstand nuclear fall out. And I know they are not alphabetized nor in chronological order and I've even written on the back of the photos using a...wait for it...magic marker and/or ball point pen.

When I get that kind of invite, it feels like I am boarding a handbasket waiting to be sent South at any moment. And I'm not talking a trip to New Orleans either. I'm not in any way dissing those who partake in the "S" word as my friend Lisa calls it when she is around me. I just can't seem to get over my sense of being overwhelmed with so many pictures to organize. It just seems like I might never be able to get it all done. Most assuredly if you are a person who scrapbooks, my sample page I made once at a party would drive you to drink.

BUT...

I did get some valuable advice from one of the "S" word consultants who felt my pain. She told me, "Instead of concentrating on the oldest stuff, begin with the most recent and work your way back. You'll build confidence that way and won't feel as overwhelmed." As hokey as it might sound, that advice has stuck with me. Sure, I never have applied it to organizing family photos, but I have applied it to other areas of my life and it's been very helpful.

With this in mind, I'm going to begin catching up with blogging, by beginning with the most recent goings on:

Our blogmiga Michelle Lamar's book "The White Trash Mom Handbook" hit the shelves yesterday. We've been reading her blog White Trash Mom for what seems like forever. It's interesting to read some of the posts about the title of her book, even Michelle feels conflicted about it too, because there is a contingent of people who think the term "White Trash" is tantamount to a racial slur of a particular group of people. What do you think? Is it tongue-in-cheek humor or is it now no longer PC? The book is filed under "Humor" BTW and we like it because it offers up more reasons for parents to enjoy parenting than feel tormented by it. Whether or not you think the name of the book is offensive, open the book and read it. It's chock full of reassurance that parenthood is not perfectionhood!

I posted about my plane trip back to The DC. If you want to read what it was like for me to sit next to the founding member of the New Mile High Club, head on over to DC Metro Moms and read "Airport Security: The Coke you drink? Don't even think about it. The Coke you snort? No problem."

While at BlogHer, I moderated a session called,"The Commercialization of the Momosphere; Ethics, Policy and Outreach." iMedia has an article about it; "It's a bloggers world" written by Nanette Marcus. Twas my first time moderating any kind of panel discussion and I'll do a power wash of it later this month. Keep in mind that Aviva will tell you I am my own toughest critic, so much so that almost any interview we do together Aviva refuses to let me watch more than once because I tend to be hyper critical of myself. I always see room for improving, room to grow, but admittedly Aviva is right to protect me from myself. We all need friends like her to keep us in check from time to time.

Please join the online rally for Paid Sick Days. It's about time our nation recognized everyone should be able to take a day, or more, off in order to recover from their own illness and/or provide care to those they care about! C'mon people, let's rally!

And I'll round out this post with a shout out to our friend Laurel for her awesome post about her barfing child and the Yak Pak*, which we dedicate to another blogmiga Lindsay Lebresco from Graco. Lindsay admitted she needs a Yak Pak ,not for her offspring, for herself. Just tryin' to help a mother out, ya know.

We're gonna get crack-a-lackin' on catching up. One blog post at a time so stay tuned!

*We are not sponsored by Yak Pak or have any other kind of relationship with them other than thinking the name is hysterically clever. We actually know Lindsay and are not affiliated with Graco either. Party on...