Manners. There I said it. Now I feel antiquated. Am I alone in my perception decorum has taken a downward spin and there are definite signs if we don't right ourselves, all will be lost?
This week an item in our local paper caught my attention, Va. Student's Snow-Day Plea Triggers an Online Storm. Seems that a high school student, unhappy that school wasn't cancelled, had chosen to phone Fairfax County Public School's chief operating officer. While I have not heard the message the student left on the administrator's home phone, I imagine the thought behind the call was something like, "Dude, why'd we have to go today? Bro, do you not see we have 3 inches of snow on the ground? What's your major malfunction?" (Admittedly the message may have been worded more formally as the student is a member of the school debate team). The response from the administrator's home-front? His wife Candy, returned the student's call, leaving a voicemail message on his cell phone which, unlike her name, was not at all sweet nor sugary.
The student, having received an answer to his question, chose to share it with the world on YouTube and Facebook. That is when the shitstorm hit.
The great debate which then ensued begged answers to a couple of questions:
1. The administrator's home phone is a publicly listed number. Was it okay for the student to use it?
2. If the wife of the administrator defined the student's call to her private home as harassment, the is her response to the student appropriate?
Here is where I break from the pack and discuss manners. I learned manners as a kid, and this may come as a surprise, but I was taught them by my freewheeling, liberal, activist parents. I come from academic stock. Both of my parents have PhD's and are sociologists. Probably comes as no surprise I sported t-shirts that proclaimed "Question Authority" and "No Nukes." My mom was far more freaked out that The Huz would be joining the Air Force than his not being an MOT. You see, mother had been a member of SDS when she was in grad school. My father, while still supportive of the counter culture, decided parking would be a problem and with that chose not to attend Woodstock.
I am living and breathing proof that just because my parents ate at an Ashram in Brooklyn led by Rudy the Guru, I was reared with certain fundamentals. I was not encouraged nor given the belief I was entitled to opt out of etiquette. I was definitely expected to mind my manners. At school, at home, and out in public when I was demanding nuclear disarmament.
There is a big difference between teaching our kids to be critical thinkers and giving them the idea that whatever they think they should do, they have a God given right to do. Sorry, it just doesn't work that way. Conversely, it also does not work that adults should be given a pass on treating children respectfully when a child has skipped a step in respectful behavior. Adults are the model, we set the limits, we draw that line in the sand letting children know what is expected of them.
It isn't being the "bad guy" to have expectations of behavior and consequences when those expectations are not met. It is being the "bad guy" if we don't take the time to teach our kids nor practice ourselves. Our kids need help navigating the adult world. They encounter it all the time, with us or without us near by. Why not go over the map at home, letting the kids know we all want to get somewhere in life,and in most situations, being polite will get you there far faster. Being polite seems to be equated these days with being wimpy, or not having balls. But you know what? I have encountered plenty of people in powerful positions who do not resort to lies, insults or other brutish behavior to get what they are after. It is possible to be polite and be assertive at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive!
I believe both parties involved with this situation were in the wrong.
The student never should have thought it was appropriate to phone a school administrator at his home. A high school student should be well on their way to understanding work is work and home is home and calling a person about a work related issue at home isn't appropriate. Hell, I have the home phone of our pediatrician but would never call her there unless SHE told me it was okay to do so. This is the same lesson I gave Son One when he had a question for his teacher about his homework. He asked, "Can't I just call her at home and ask?" No, I told him. After school hours, your teacher is done for the day. Her work day is over and you will have to wait until she is at work again to ask her about your homework. She is entitled to a private life. Calling her at home would be invasive. You can, however, email her at work. This way it is now her choice as to whether she answers it on her off time.
Now, onto the administrator's wife. She missed the boat on what could have been a teachable moment. First of all, I don't give a rats ass if this kid is an older teen, he is still a child and still participating in an educational environment. Somehow in our world we have lost the concept that childhood is still happening to teens. Teens are not adults, they are still learning. In fact they are still quite educable. Just because a child may act like an adult and have a few adult responsibilities, doesn't mean they are socially there yet. As long as my sons live under our roof, they are going to continue getting schooled by The Huz and myself in addition to what their teachers and schools will be providing.
The administrator's angry spouse had other choices available to her and it is my belief she overstepped a boundary as well. My own preference would have been she inform her husband of the phone call and be done with it. It is then her husband's responsibility to see that this student is well-informed regarding the inappropriateness of his conduct and experiences whatever consequences the school system deems appropriate. The punishment should fit the crime. I absolutely support the feelings of the administrator's wife of having her privacy invaded by this student, after all this is a work issue for her husband, not her. However, her behavior toward this child was over the top.
What is to be learned in all of this? Manners still have a place in society. Teach them and use them or else you may find yourself having 15 minutes of fame you could have easily done without.
Cross-posted at DC Metro Moms Blog
Labels: DC Metro Moms Blog, Manners, Washington Post
