Happy New Year! Ring It In By Letting Yourself Go

Last week my younger son was going through a bin of old photos. You probably have a similar box or bin, it's the one filled with the pictures you swear you will some day label and organize.  Every time I see the bin I feel like crap. I've even gone so far as to hide the bin way in the back of a closet so I can purposefully keep it out of sight and out of mind.  I hated being reminded of what I considered a failed New Years resolution..


Not only had I spent years resolving to organize the photos, I'd spent years not organizing the photos and feeling immense guilt.  The guilt was so terrible I would stick my fingers in my ears and do the 'lalalalalalala I can't hear you!" if anyone mentioned the "S Word" i.e. scrapbooking. And forget about going to one of those Creative Memory parties. My anxiety was so bad that when I heard the words "Acid Free" I silently contemplated if an "Acid Trip" might not somehow work out better for me. And I've never dropped acid. Ever.


As they used to say in the 70's, "Man, this wasn't a good scene." So you can imagine how lousy I felt when my son dragged out the bin. I felt the guilt bubble up as I looked down at the piles of pictures.  But then something happened and everything changed. My son began taking out the pictures and asking me about who was in them, when the photo was shot, which camera had been used, and who had taken the picture. As I started to tell him about family members and our friends, sharing with him the life happening through the lense so to speak, I realized I no longer had to feel guilty about not organizing the pictures. It was okay.  In fact it was even better than okay.


I concluded it was a good thing I had repeatedly blown my New Years resolution.  As a direct result of my actions (or really my lack of them) my son and I spent a couple of hours looking through the bin and talking together. No way in hell would that have happened the same way had all the pictures been perfectly organized and catalogued.


Do you have a guilt you've been carrying over with you from year to year? This is the year to just let it go.

Pipe Down Those Pipes

The New York Times article For Some Parents, Shouting Is the New Spanking ran last week in the print version as well as on-line. That very day, we began receiving numerous emails from parents in search of alternatives to raising their voices. When we were both interviewed for the New York Time's piece, we expected the Times article would include a "what to do" component in their coverage. As we all know, this wasn't the case and the article, for many parents, felt like a spanking. This felt extremely frustrating to us as we have made it our mission to provide parents with absolution from guilt, not heap on more guilt! So, with this in mind, we're going to give you what wound up on the cutting room floor, so to speak.

Let's get one thing clear right from the start: ALMOST EVERYONE YELLS! Even if the World Health Organization were to issue a statement proposing a ban on yelling, we would still, on occasion, yell. It is a common reaction when we are upset, irritable, angry, frightened, frustrated or simply caught off guard. It happens. We're human. We don't stop being humans when we become parents, and no human is perfect, thus no parent (mother OR father) is either.

One of the criticisms of the Times piece is it did not give a definition of yelling, nor did it specify if there is any one particular type of yelling which is considered most damaging to children. In our book "Mommy Guilt" we break it down for you about where parents yell, when parents yell and how to determine if your yelling is productive or unproductive. Let's begin with a quick overview now.

Productive Yells:

This is the type we do when our children are at risk, when we need a quick resolution to a particular situation, or to provide a quick reminder that we need to get down to business.

There is the yelling we do when we are sending out a warning: GET OUT OF THE STREET! We can't imagine any parent saying in a hushed tone, "Hey sweetie, can you step to your left? There is car moving quickly and I am concerned you may get hit by it if you remain standing where you are. Thanks sweetie." Um. No.

If you walk into your home and the TV is blaring Sponge Bob and you react quickly you may holler: TURN OFF THE TELEVISION! Sometimes we have to compete to win, and this is one of those times. Even the occasional yelling to assert yourself happens from time to time. When a teen is screaming at you, sometimes you must raise your voice as if to say, "Look, we're done with this. Let's both calm down and get to talking!"

Unproductive Yelling

This is the yelling we do which makes everyone involved feel like crap. It's the yelling that admonishes, insults, humiliates or makes fun of another person. Or it is the yelling which happens so continually your family ignores it because they hear it all the time and no longer take seriously. Unproductive yelling is probably going on if you are yelling more than you would like, finding yourself feeling badly about the words you used while you were yelling or yelling at times which you later feel were not "yell worthy." Unproductive yelling is the type that is potentially harmful to children . It frightens and confuses them. It makes them feel insecure and is dehumanizing. After all, humans do have the capacity to reason, this sets us apart from other mammals, but as someone we know once said, "You can't reason with a screaming head!"

Here are a few tips and tricks to keep in mind when it comes to quelling the yelling:

• When yelling is used in an already volatile situation, it is more likely to escalate than to alleviate any problems. Yelling begets yelling.


• You may try whispering instead. The quiet calm sound of a whisper could be exactly what everyone involved really needs. And it still provides a change in your voice.


• Don't be ashamed to tell your child you need a minute to calm down. Unless safety is a concern, it may be better to give yourself a chance to think through options rather than react with a yell you may later regret.


• Consider a change of venue. If you are standing, sit down. If you are walking, stop. If you are on one side of the room cross over to the other. This may help break a pattern.


• If yelling is your primary means of communication, consider this. How will your child know when a situation is truly important when everything is met with a yell? If you wonder why no one is responding to your yelling, it may have become white noise to your family.


• Are you yelling or are you just loud? Can you tell the difference? Can your family?

OK, you slipped up and yelled - maybe you were tired, hungry, or just having a shitty day - now what?

• Tell your kid you don't like the way this scene played out and you want a "do over." Kids do this all the time, why shouldn't we.


• Admit you made a mistake. When we screw up, we can use this as a teaching opportunity for our kids and ourselves. Talk about the importance of admission and apologizing.


• Even if it takes you all day to relax and realize you screwed up, even if it takes you a few days, go back to your child and talk about it. There is no expiration date on an apology.


• Apologizing doesn't mean you approve of the transgression that set you off in the first place. It is perfectly acceptable to make that distinction when apologizing. "When I asked you to get in the car 4 times, I became frustrated and yelled. I apologize. In the future, I expect to give you two reminders and then you need to be where you are asked to be."


• If you find yourself saying "I've told you a million times," don't. Stop. It's not working if you have to say it a million times. What makes you think the 1,000,001st is going to be The One. Set a plan and stick to it. Three strikes and you're out works well. "I'll ask three times, and then I'm walking out the door." More often than not your child will follow you. Even if they follow slowly it's better than yelling. Over time they will pick up the pace.


• Get a whistle. Blow it when your kids are fighting. This works particularly well when your kids already are on teams where they have to respect the whistle. Coaches use it, you can too.

Like we said, yelling happens. How often we use it and how we deal with it afterwords probably has a greater impact on our kids than the heat of the moment yell. The Times article did what media does - created hype around a topic in order to boost readership. We never intended to be part of something that would bring up more feelings of disappointment or guilt for parents. If this was your reaction, we apologize. It was never our intention to hurt you and we hope you will allow us this do over.

By the way, my cousin sent me a hard copy of the article which actually appeared in print. While the content was the same, interestingly enough the title was different: Shout if You're Against Spanking. I wonder, if the piece online had been similarly titled would parents have felt as dumped on by the experts interviewed for the piece? In the article, it appears experts were raising their hands to say, "Yes, I am against it." The response from parents certainly could have been, "Fine, but I'm not." Looks like The Times may have been in need for a do over too folks.

Is Shouting the New Spanking? IS IT? WELL?

Update! I will be part of a panel discussion today at 12:30 EST on MSNBC's Dr. Nancy Snyderman Show. As I said on Twitter and Facebook, I am trying not to worry about a wardrobe malfunction. Although MochaMomma urged me to "PLEASE have a wardrobe malfunction, a planned one." Gotta admit, it's tempting. Too bad I don't have extra pasties from BlogHer '06. I hope you'll tune in and send me "Don't say stupid shit on national television" vibes!

The article written by Hilary Stout, For Some Parents Shouting Is The New Spanking appeared in the New York Times Styles section today and Aviva is quoted. Our post with more on the story, plus response to over 300 questions, concerns and observations found in the article's comments,will be up sometime over the weekend.

Oh, and don't think for a minute that it escaped our attention both photos included in the piece are of mothers yelling at their kids. Sure our book is called "Mommy Guilt" but this doesn't mean we support the notion mothers should just sit back,take the heat and wind up sticking our collective head in the oven whenever we admit we're experiencing tough times in the Parent-hood. We all know Dads yell too. And no doubt there are fathers who feel guilty about it. Parenting is not about perfection. Learning to be a more effective parent isn't the same thing as learning to be skilled glass blower. Glass doesn't have an ability to talk back, challenge, or call you "the meanest parent in the world." We're not parenting inanimate objects and we're human too.

(and on a separate note, this is the first time I have ever written a post, hit "spell check" and got a "No misspellings found" message. It's monumental. It is.)

Got Mommy Guilt? Let's chat LIVE! TONIGHT! 9PM EST!

Come join us over at The Motherhood tonight at 9PM EST! We are thrilled to have been invited by Emily and Cooper to facilitate the down and dirty about being a mom and what role guilt plays in the parenting experience.

Got guilt? Bring it with you!
Don't feel guilty? We're not going to guilt you into feeling it.

This is a conversation not a lecture, so we're counting on you to interact, share your stories and or just hang out. We'll answer questions, we'll talk about whatever it is you want to talk about. Nothing is off limits, nothing is too serious or too outrageous. Whatever is on your mind, we'll tackle together.

So come on over to The Motherhood tonight, we'll be there waiting for you!

Go! Mom (and Dad) Go!

Motherhood Is A Gas

I'm very happy to be recognized as a "Go To expert on arm farts." After all, I'm the same "expert" who uses Saturday Night Live as a parenting tool. And I also laugh at my own mistakes when it comes to my parenting on a fairly regular basis.

But even I, laid back about many many things, am a stickler when it comes to decorum and manners. While I am okay with arm farts, I am not okay with them at the library. I may use Saturday Night Live as a parenting tool, but I dont' allow my children to watch SNL without me right there, and truth be told, we don't even watch it"live"; All hail the DVR!

But this post isn't about how technology has changed our TV habits. It's more about something that happened way back in 2005; Aviva and I wrote a book which encouraged moms decrease the guilt and increase the enjoyment of parenting. At that time, we felt the hyper vigilant parenting needed to come to a halt. Anywhere we went (and still we do this) we attempted to absolve parental angst. Gave permission to parents not to worry so much. Urged parents to give their kids, and themselves, more freedom. We screamed "NO!" to anyone who thought the car adapter for a crockpot sounded like a good idea. We yelled, "YES!" to a parent who told us, "I'm going to let my child walk three blocks to school and I'll use that time to exercise or get to work on time." No secret, we had an agenda. And now it seems like our plan for world domination, or just being more relaxed parents, may be coming to fruition.

A week or so ago Lisa Belkin wrote a piece for the New York Times Magazine titled "The End of Over Parenting" Aviva's mother mailed it to Aviva with a note;"You girls started this!"* I don't know if we can make the claim of being groundbreakers, but I believe we can definitely document we've been steadily advocating parents aren't perfect, we don't have to be superhuman and our kids will not suffer if they have to play outside with only their imaginations. We can also stake claim that in 2005 we were mistaken for Judith Warner. A lot.

Now in 2009? I'm the Go To expert for arm farts. Suck it, Judy! (J/K)

Aviva and I are happy the momentum for parents to enjoy parenting and listen to each other's experiences continues to flow to other books and that spirit continues to rise up in different incarnations. The whole reason we wrote our book waybackwhen was to bring attention to what mothers ,and their families, were experiencing in real life, in their words, along with a few this and thats added by us.

If Aviva's mom is right, and we helped by getting the party started, we should keep the party going. Dare I say it? I do. Let's party hardy! Yes, I just used a term from the 80's(and for my next trick I'm going to write "You're a great kid, see you next summer!" all over my next blog post).

So we invite you to party with us.

Here is our Parentopia Party List:

Momfidence

Free Range Kids

The White Trash Mom Handbook

Mommy Confidence

The Ghost In The House

Sleep Is For the Weak

Mojo Mom

You're A Good Mom (And Your Kids Aren't So Bad Either)

Practically Perfect In Every Way

Who else needs to be on this list? Because like any party, there is always The One name which escapes your mind and doesn't get put on the invite list. The One where you slap your forehead with the accompanying "Oh shit. I totally forgot!" And after you think of that name? You think of at least three more!


*Aviva's mother will always refer to Aviva and me as "The Girls" or "You Girls." How can she not when she's known Aviva all of her life and me all of my life minus 7 years? Aviva and I have been friends since 1st grade. And if you've never read our story, here it is.

Punditmom picks our collective brain about Michelle Obama, Mommy Guilt and more. TODAY!

We are guests today at 2PM EST on Punditmom's Blog Talk Radio Show. Hope you'll join us!

Guilt: What's a holiday without this special gift?

For many people, gifting this year is different. Maybe it's because economics have taken their toll, maybe you've gone green, maybe you just want to stop the retail madness and define the holiday differently. Who would think making changes would be guilt-inducing? But they can be, so let's take a look at some possible ways to deal with guilt, such as let it go or having the guilt guide you toward creating some wonderful holiday memories.

1. Any gift is a good gift. Remember the old adage "You'll get nothing and like it?" Well, if someone is getting a gift from you, then you've already gone above and beyond according to that adage.

2. Rock it old school when it comes to spending time with your loved ones. Lots of children like hearing "Way back when" stories of your childhood, their childhood, their grandparents childhoods. So why not bring some of those experiences back during the holiday season? Try making a short family movie, or dig out family photos and have a caption contest. Maybe you can encourage everyone to write (or for smaller kids dictate) a favorite holiday memory and make copies to send home with everyone.

3. If you are having a Staycation, be tourists in your own town. Look up sites to see and go see them. If you are visiting family, share some of your favorite hometown places with your kids.

4. Here's an article Aviva and I were interviewed for in Baltimore's Child Magazine about dealing with special circumstances that arise with combining special needs kids and special holiday celebrations. (However, the info is definitely applicable to any family, not just those with a extraordinary child.)

5. Take a look at what Di has to say about Mommy Guilt and resolutions.

Now consider what would make your holiday less stressful or guilt-inducing. Really. Consider it.

We'll wait.

Ready?

I'll begin the conversation by saying in our house we put a holiday recipe book in front of our kids and said "You pick em and you make em. We'll help."

Are we recommending Being Dad as a way to anticipate parenting angst? Do dads even have the angst?

Yes and Yes. No Doubt. Aviva and I were sent preview copies of the film "Being Dad" a while back and while I Tweeted my recommendation, Aviva and I believe the movie worthy of being recommended on our site too. We loved the film! We actually told the folks who sent it our way we would love to be able to hop into a time machine, go back to the beginning of humanity and deliver this film to all men who would someday become fathers. We would sit down with them and watch it together. Of course, this would also necessitate we bring this dad, this dad and these guys with us so we could appropriately set up the first real Man Cave of the future.

Being Dad was was released to the public last month, and we really hope families everywhere will consider putting it on their holiday wish list or think about giving it to the fathers in their lives whenever the opportunity presents itself.

I'd even go so far as to encourage parents to watch the DVD even if you've already had your baby. What I liked about this film is it makes it undeniably obvious men have something to do with creating kids. Dads in this film experience parental angst and are talking about it! Aviva and I have always maintained fathers aren't "helping" mothers with parenting, they ARE parenting.

I'm planning to watch the DVD with my teenage son. Yes, really. Why? Because I think every teenager should sit through a movie about childbirth. I actually think it is a deterrent to having unprotected sex. At least it was for me. I still remember when my husband and I were expecting our first child. We sat in our Prenatal class and watched the birth film. I turned to my husband and silently questioned how I could reverse pregnancy,"Holy shit. What exactly did we get ourselves mixed up in here?" I thought about my social work supervisor who warned me about how even a planned pregnancy shook her up."Look, there I was 9 months pregnant. When one day I stopped in my tracks and thought 'My God, this baby will have to eventually come out some how.'"Because until you see and hear what is going to happen, you can just deny it all you want, evidently even in the 9th month.

Trust me, it's not just teens who freak out about being pregnant, get scared and need to know what's going to happen. This film does an excellent job of preparing parents for what they may think or feel and offers a wonderful foundation from which to build a conversation about what kind of parents you want to be or already are.

Find Us Over On BabyCenter

A few weeks ago we were interviewed by Evonne Lack. The article is "The Top 7 Mommy Guilt Trips--And How To Handle Them" which is now posted on BabyCenter. We're also happy to give a shout out to our Blogmiga Tela from Working Moms Against Guilt who is also included in the article.

If that article gets you in the mood to read blog posts about parenting and guilt, go check out the recap of Parenting Guilt Day from Silicon Valley Moms Group. You'll find writers from DC, NJ, NY, SV and 50-Somethings all coping, ditching, ignoring and laughing as they retell their experiences.

Parentopia May-nia

Wow. Just wow. All of a sudden we have so much to tell you. Our online and offline lives have surged and we're both whirling dervishes. We have so much to blog about, and we will get to all of it. But since things are so insane right now, it's going to be in bits and pieces and it also may be out of context too. But knowing most of you reading our blog are parents, it's not like you've never been interrupted or had to catch up on something later. And this is why we heart you all so very much!

Let's skip ahead to May and then we'll work our way back to April. For the first time in our lives we can say we are cover girls! In words, not in pictures, but who cares? We are on the cover of the May issue of Parenting Magazine! Parenting Magazine's very own Julie Tilsner also interviewed these two bloggers for "Kiss Mommy Guilt Goodbye!" and we didn't even know it at the time. Then we read the article and thought, "That is so cool!"

Love it when our paths cross like this! The Internet is so very large, yet so very small all at the same time. True that.


Two other May events are coming up fast and furious. We hope you will join us!

The first is "The Working Mothers Summit" being held in the Metro DC area on May 10th.

The second is Mamapalooza in New York City on May 17th.

PBS Parents Q&A Launched! We say hey, what a wonderful kind of day!

PBS programming has always been a big part of our lives; During our own childhood, in the course of our parenting, and now as professionals. We are so excited to be featured experts on PBS Parents this month! We hope you will click on over, check out the Q&A and participate in the discussion about what spikes or decreases your guilt-o-meter.

Devra makes it no secret that if Calliou , Arthur and Clifford were of age (and in the case of Arthur and Clifford, human), she'd take them all out and buy 'em a round for each 30 minute increment they kept her sons contently occupied giving her the opportunity to take a shower...and leave the guilt.

Aviva says, "Roger(s) that!"

Does Britney Spears bring out your inner guilt?

Have you read this article in New York Magazine ? Here is what I wrote in the comments at New York Magazine's site:

It's possible that for one particular group of moms being unfulfilled is an inducer of guilt, however our research points to Yelling as the number one inducer of guilt. (With the one exception of mothers of infants who aren't yelling yet.) There are quite a few inducers of guilt for mothers, both internal and external. As for Britney, most mothers I have come in contact with have stated they feel very sad for Britney; from the perspective of "She's a mom, I'm a mom" as well as "I have a daughter, she's a daughter" and lastly "I'm a daughter, she's a daughter." Most women recognize someone they know in Britney and can relate positively or negatively to that.

It looks to me like Britney has indeed been stoned in public, but I am of the opinion it is more likely to be the drugs, and definitely a large chunk of the press , doing it to her rather than other parents.

Am I high?

Spending "Me time" is time well spent. (and it's Delurker Day too!)

Welcome to Delurker Day! This means if you visit Parentopia regularly, from time to time-or even just found us today- please leave a comment. You can just write "Hi" or whatever.

This morning we checked out a terrific post over at Tales From The Dad Side where SciFi Dad discusses how he spent his "Me Time". (We give picture credit to Aimee for the Delurker Day flasher!)

What is "Me time"? Well, quite simply put it is the time you spend on yourself. Doing anything you want to do, either with other people or alone. Usually something you enjoy doing or something you need to get done, outside of family related errands and responsibilities.

Many parents have difficulty spending "me time". No surprise, there is often guilt associated with taking time for oneself which does not include our kids or a co-parent. But you know what? Many of us need that kind of time to regroup and refresh. And what we especially liked about SciFi Dad's post is he points out the importance of recognizing you may need a push from someone else to take that "me time" or you may need to push someone else to take it.

Here are some ideas for spending "Me Time"

Go to a movie (Just like SciFi Dad!)
Hit the book store or library
Visit the gym
Get a massage
Grab a book and blanket, or even just your MP3, and go to a park.
Take a nap
Ride a bike
Walk around the block
find a recipe you like and make it
Eat out with an old or new friend
Join a sports league for grown ups
Meet friends for drinks/dessert/coffee
Bra shopping
Attend a wine tasting

Do you spend "me time"? What's keeping you from spending it? How do you spend it? Where do you spend it? Got a favorite "me time" story?

Mitch McDad delurked and directed us to a list he recently posted on his blog. Go check it out!

Thinking Inside The Box Parentopia Style- A Unique Way of Observing Special Days

When we first began blogging we had an average of 29 visits a day. Our blog now receives hundreds of visitors a day. Not pointing this out to brag, quite the opposite, I'm giving you a reason as to why we are revisiting "The Annual Box" post which was first published in December of 2005.
I figure if a post is over a year old, no one is really going to go digging in our archive to find it, but this is the time of year when this old post is, well, timely.

Enjoy!

Devra

Aviva and I have been friends for 30 years. After we became parents, we discovered no matter how well intentioned, we forgot birthdays, didn't remember anniversaries and holiday shopping, well, that sometimes got screwed up too. Not because we didn't care, but because our mommy brains just didn't always engage on time, so we'd end up doing everything after the fact.
Given the guilt these bouts of partialheimers (we're too young yet for Altzheimers) were creating, Aviva and I came up with a different strategy. It works for us and I'll share it with you just in case, you are a member of our lost brain warped brethren. I'm talkin' about.... "The Annual Box".

Aviva and I each get a large empty box. During the course of the year, we fill the box up as we find items for each other, our kids, spouses, and even pets. When the box is full, we mail it. Sometimes the annual box will arrive during the winter holiday season, sometimes it arrives as the leaves are changing, it has arrived on a lazy day of summer and it has popped up in the Spring. Our families look forward to "The Annual Box". They know it represents all of the special events occurring thru the year, and it has become a much loved tradition. Not knowing when "The Annual Box" will show up, adds to the fun.

Another plus to thinking INSIDE "The Annual Box" is being able to take advantage of the post holiday sales and end of season sales. We've been able to give each other some fabulous gifts at a fraction of the cost!

Not For Teacher

DC Metro Moms Blog has officially launched and I am one of the contributing writers! DC Metro Moms is just what the name sounds like; a group of moms who live in the Washington DC Metro Area. Sister sites of DC Metro Moms are Silicon Valley Moms Blog, Chicago Moms Blog and the soon to be launched New York City Moms Blog. Full-disclosure; I am participating as a labor of love, no money is changing hands. I adore the founders of SV Moms Blog and admire the bloggers who write for them. I am excited to be affliated this pool of incredible talented and marvelous mothers and hope you will go check out DC Metro Moms as well as their sister sites!

The following entry is cross-posted at DC Metro Moms.

Not For Teacher

The first day of school is approaching and I'm feeling at peace with our decision regarding school supplies. We purchased the boxed set of supplies being hawked by the PTO. For years we resisted. Using reasons such as "too expensive" or "shopping for the supplies is a rite of passage" both are true statements and I stand behind them. Integrity isn't my problem, the damn school supply list is. I have grown to hate that list. Yes, I said the "H" word, one of many four letter words, such as "Math",that make me cringe- yet another thing I "H", but I digress...

This year you will not find me here, here, here, here, or- Lord help me- making a midnight run ever again-here desperately looking for this. No more jokes about an Eraser Head remake starring yours truly. Put a fork in me, I am DONE with the School Supply Scavenger Hunt From Hell.

Actually it wasn't the eraser that did me in. It was this, as they say in journalism, The Back Story.

Tuesday, September 5, 2006 was the first day of school. I sent the hundred pounds worth of school supplies with the kids via their backpacks. That afternoon, Son Two gets off the bus with his loaded backpack saying he forgot to give them to his teacher. Understandable. First day of school is hectic. Right.

Tuesday night: Gentle reminder to give the teacher the supplies. Agrees to
remember.

Wednesday morning: gentle reminder. "I know. I will. Okay!" Son Two back to on bus with supplies in backpack.

Wednesday- End o' day, off the bus with the backpack laden with supplies. Son Two responds to my question regarding the giving of the supplies to his teacher, "I didn't want to." and "No one asked me if I wanted to."

That evening: "Son Two you must give your supplies to the teacher today. If you
bring them back home again, we will turn around and go right back to school
and drop them off. First you will have a snack, then we will hit the open road."

Next morning : Strong reminder to drop off supplies. "Okay!"

That afternoon: Off bus with full backpack of supplies, albeit looking a bit more tired than previously. Tells me "They have enough supplies. I don't want to give them supplies. I hate supplies. They are never
getting my supplies!"

I inform him he may have a snack, and then we are going to get in the car,
drive back to the school and drop off the supplies.

Snack is served, car keys are in hand.

Son Two finishes his snack, hears the garage door open and commences crying and lashes out with, "I hate the supplies! My teacher won't be there! You can't drop them off in the room! She doesn't need them! They have enough supplies!"

I tell Son Two he can go get in the car. No, he doesn't want to. (Shocking. I know.)

I scoop up Son Two, put him in the car. "Okay fine, I will go to the school, but
I am not getting out of the car. You bring in the supplies. I hate them!"

I let him know that those are not terms I am going to agree to given I
already did my job of buying the supplies and it is his responsibility to take them to his teacher. They are school supplies, not house supplies. I purchased them to be used at school. (At this point I hate the supplies
too! I've been shopping for the supplies for two weeks! Two weeks of my life I will never ever get back!)

We pull into the parking lot. Son Two refuses to get out of the car. More scooping in my part, more screaming on his. (This feels decidedly different than the tantrums at the grocery store because you can always go to another grocery store if necessary, switching elementary schools far more complicated.)

I deposit Son Two onto the sidewalk in front of the school where he shouts, "I am going to stand in the hall while you go in the room and drop off the stupid supplies!"

Again, no. I take Son Two by the hand. Alright, I take him by both hands while sort of escorting him and dragging him along with minimal damage to both of us. ( Thankfully he remains bi-pedal and it's not as awful as it could have been had he reverted to a quadruped.)

We arrive at the classroom. I pull out the bag of supplies from his backpack and grab a Post It note from
the teacher's desk ,and one of her pens -with the intention of labeling the supplies-only to be accosted by
Son Two,"No! You can't use her supplies! Those belong to my teacher!"

What?!

Now I need to be concerned that not only does he hate his supplies and thinks they are the devil, but we aren't supposed to use the one's already there either? I don't think so!

So I write a note to the teacher, "Here are Son Two's supplies. Sorry for any inconvenience." Son Two won't take this quietly. It is clear he is morally offended, right to his core as he entire time Son Two is screaming at me about supplies like a lunatic.

Thankfully the school was pretty much empty. I know it must
have been quite lovely to watch as this totally out of control child is wailing
about the stupidity and uselessness of school supplies while a grown woman is calmly
guiding him past the Main Office and out of the building. (What kept me calm? The thought of being a MOM dancing my head; MOM= My Own Margarita).

We get to the car and Son Two bursts into even more sobs and yells "They made
us go to gym today! We are supposed to have gym on Mondays and Fridays! Last year we had it on Tuesday and Thursday! Then they taught us all the same things we learned in kindergarten. This is so
boring! I want the supplies back. She doesn't deserve them! She shouldn't get to have them now! I'm not going to give them to my teacher until she teaches me something new! They all promised it would be new and it's not. They lied to me!"

Then it hits me. I know exactly what is going on here. My son is trying to extort his teacher by hoarding the school supplies until she teaches him something new. He is having a visceral response to reviewing material from last year.

Son Two is having the same meltdown Son One had when he began 1st grade. Now I get it. Totally.

We get home and I scoop once again, only this time I lovingly carry my clingy son into the house and cuddle with him on the sofa as I explain to Son Two that during the first few weeks of a new school year, the teacher will repeat a lot of the material from kindergarten as a beginning of the year review and they do it to make sure they still remember what they learned from last year. I told him howI understood how frustrating it is to feel like nothing is new even though it is supposed to be exciting and new to be in 1st grade. I also shared with him Son One felt this way too and it's just the way schools do things to
help everyone get ready for the new year.

It was like a light clicked on. He immediately stopped crying and was back
to his old self.

So this year, I bought the box of school supplies and it will be already in the classroom when he arrives at school. If however, he brings up the issue of supplies again, I am prepared to tell him his
daddy used to dodge enemy fire to drop supplies out of an airplane over various
underdeveloped nations so Son Two should thank his lucky stars he only has to drop
them off at the school in an empty classroom.

I can only hope that if Son Two ever aspires to be a doctor, he can cope with medical supplies.