Pipe Down Those Pipes

The New York Times article For Some Parents, Shouting Is the New Spanking ran last week in the print version as well as on-line. That very day, we began receiving numerous emails from parents in search of alternatives to raising their voices. When we were both interviewed for the New York Time's piece, we expected the Times article would include a "what to do" component in their coverage. As we all know, this wasn't the case and the article, for many parents, felt like a spanking. This felt extremely frustrating to us as we have made it our mission to provide parents with absolution from guilt, not heap on more guilt! So, with this in mind, we're going to give you what wound up on the cutting room floor, so to speak.

Let's get one thing clear right from the start: ALMOST EVERYONE YELLS! Even if the World Health Organization were to issue a statement proposing a ban on yelling, we would still, on occasion, yell. It is a common reaction when we are upset, irritable, angry, frightened, frustrated or simply caught off guard. It happens. We're human. We don't stop being humans when we become parents, and no human is perfect, thus no parent (mother OR father) is either.

One of the criticisms of the Times piece is it did not give a definition of yelling, nor did it specify if there is any one particular type of yelling which is considered most damaging to children. In our book "Mommy Guilt" we break it down for you about where parents yell, when parents yell and how to determine if your yelling is productive or unproductive. Let's begin with a quick overview now.

Productive Yells:

This is the type we do when our children are at risk, when we need a quick resolution to a particular situation, or to provide a quick reminder that we need to get down to business.

There is the yelling we do when we are sending out a warning: GET OUT OF THE STREET! We can't imagine any parent saying in a hushed tone, "Hey sweetie, can you step to your left? There is car moving quickly and I am concerned you may get hit by it if you remain standing where you are. Thanks sweetie." Um. No.

If you walk into your home and the TV is blaring Sponge Bob and you react quickly you may holler: TURN OFF THE TELEVISION! Sometimes we have to compete to win, and this is one of those times. Even the occasional yelling to assert yourself happens from time to time. When a teen is screaming at you, sometimes you must raise your voice as if to say, "Look, we're done with this. Let's both calm down and get to talking!"

Unproductive Yelling

This is the yelling we do which makes everyone involved feel like crap. It's the yelling that admonishes, insults, humiliates or makes fun of another person. Or it is the yelling which happens so continually your family ignores it because they hear it all the time and no longer take seriously. Unproductive yelling is probably going on if you are yelling more than you would like, finding yourself feeling badly about the words you used while you were yelling or yelling at times which you later feel were not "yell worthy." Unproductive yelling is the type that is potentially harmful to children . It frightens and confuses them. It makes them feel insecure and is dehumanizing. After all, humans do have the capacity to reason, this sets us apart from other mammals, but as someone we know once said, "You can't reason with a screaming head!"

Here are a few tips and tricks to keep in mind when it comes to quelling the yelling:

• When yelling is used in an already volatile situation, it is more likely to escalate than to alleviate any problems. Yelling begets yelling.


• You may try whispering instead. The quiet calm sound of a whisper could be exactly what everyone involved really needs. And it still provides a change in your voice.


• Don't be ashamed to tell your child you need a minute to calm down. Unless safety is a concern, it may be better to give yourself a chance to think through options rather than react with a yell you may later regret.


• Consider a change of venue. If you are standing, sit down. If you are walking, stop. If you are on one side of the room cross over to the other. This may help break a pattern.


• If yelling is your primary means of communication, consider this. How will your child know when a situation is truly important when everything is met with a yell? If you wonder why no one is responding to your yelling, it may have become white noise to your family.


• Are you yelling or are you just loud? Can you tell the difference? Can your family?

OK, you slipped up and yelled - maybe you were tired, hungry, or just having a shitty day - now what?

• Tell your kid you don't like the way this scene played out and you want a "do over." Kids do this all the time, why shouldn't we.


• Admit you made a mistake. When we screw up, we can use this as a teaching opportunity for our kids and ourselves. Talk about the importance of admission and apologizing.


• Even if it takes you all day to relax and realize you screwed up, even if it takes you a few days, go back to your child and talk about it. There is no expiration date on an apology.


• Apologizing doesn't mean you approve of the transgression that set you off in the first place. It is perfectly acceptable to make that distinction when apologizing. "When I asked you to get in the car 4 times, I became frustrated and yelled. I apologize. In the future, I expect to give you two reminders and then you need to be where you are asked to be."


• If you find yourself saying "I've told you a million times," don't. Stop. It's not working if you have to say it a million times. What makes you think the 1,000,001st is going to be The One. Set a plan and stick to it. Three strikes and you're out works well. "I'll ask three times, and then I'm walking out the door." More often than not your child will follow you. Even if they follow slowly it's better than yelling. Over time they will pick up the pace.


• Get a whistle. Blow it when your kids are fighting. This works particularly well when your kids already are on teams where they have to respect the whistle. Coaches use it, you can too.

Like we said, yelling happens. How often we use it and how we deal with it afterwords probably has a greater impact on our kids than the heat of the moment yell. The Times article did what media does - created hype around a topic in order to boost readership. We never intended to be part of something that would bring up more feelings of disappointment or guilt for parents. If this was your reaction, we apologize. It was never our intention to hurt you and we hope you will allow us this do over.

By the way, my cousin sent me a hard copy of the article which actually appeared in print. While the content was the same, interestingly enough the title was different: Shout if You're Against Spanking. I wonder, if the piece online had been similarly titled would parents have felt as dumped on by the experts interviewed for the piece? In the article, it appears experts were raising their hands to say, "Yes, I am against it." The response from parents certainly could have been, "Fine, but I'm not." Looks like The Times may have been in need for a do over too folks.

Baby Einstein Offers Refund To Parents: It's been a long time comin' folks.

If you happened to be in the audience on a rainy cold November 9,2005 when we were speaking at the Stamford Jewish Community Center's Sara Walker Nursery School you would have heard us tell a group of over 120 parents, "Einstein did not have Baby Einstein videos and he seemed to have turned out okay." Now the makers of the video are facing that reality and finally 'fessing up that their videos are not intellectually stimulating to infants and toddlers and refunding anyone who may have purchased them.

As for Mozart, he too did not watch his Baby Mozart self. The jury may still be out on the way he turned out, however did you know Devra's cousin Richard appeared in the film Amadeus? Hey! Maybe there is something educational in a Mozart video after all.

*Photo Credit Kate Light, please visit her site, she's an amazing poet and we encourage you to consider using the coin you won't be spending on Baby Einstein to support her writing, and the works of other poets, playwrights, artists who are dedicated to making our world a TRUE educational environment.

Is Shouting the New Spanking? IS IT? WELL?

Update! I will be part of a panel discussion today at 12:30 EST on MSNBC's Dr. Nancy Snyderman Show. As I said on Twitter and Facebook, I am trying not to worry about a wardrobe malfunction. Although MochaMomma urged me to "PLEASE have a wardrobe malfunction, a planned one." Gotta admit, it's tempting. Too bad I don't have extra pasties from BlogHer '06. I hope you'll tune in and send me "Don't say stupid shit on national television" vibes!

The article written by Hilary Stout, For Some Parents Shouting Is The New Spanking appeared in the New York Times Styles section today and Aviva is quoted. Our post with more on the story, plus response to over 300 questions, concerns and observations found in the article's comments,will be up sometime over the weekend.

Oh, and don't think for a minute that it escaped our attention both photos included in the piece are of mothers yelling at their kids. Sure our book is called "Mommy Guilt" but this doesn't mean we support the notion mothers should just sit back,take the heat and wind up sticking our collective head in the oven whenever we admit we're experiencing tough times in the Parent-hood. We all know Dads yell too. And no doubt there are fathers who feel guilty about it. Parenting is not about perfection. Learning to be a more effective parent isn't the same thing as learning to be skilled glass blower. Glass doesn't have an ability to talk back, challenge, or call you "the meanest parent in the world." We're not parenting inanimate objects and we're human too.

(and on a separate note, this is the first time I have ever written a post, hit "spell check" and got a "No misspellings found" message. It's monumental. It is.)

Google? More like Boogle. C'mon, it's not really hard to search for an answer regarding affordable day care for your employees. Or is it?

Since when did on-site childcare become an equivalent benefit to bottled water and M & M's? Why don't you ask Google that question. They just got put in the hot seat by my hometown paper: On Day Care, Google Makes a Rare Fumble.

Sadly we are all too familiar with supposedly "family friendly" companies getting revealed as neither. Here at Parentopia we are totally in agreement that carework-not just parents take care of others so let's be inclusive- must be safe, affordable, available and included for ALL employees.

If you really want to read in-depth and researched reveals on companies who claim to be all about carework benefits, go read our blogmiga Becky over at http://www.deepmuckbigrake.com/ . You may have to hunt around a bit, but most of them are under the tag "Working Mother". Becky is taking on Working Mother Magazine's Top 100 list, one company at a time to see if they really hold up to a magnifying glass or not regarding their offerings to employees. Oh maybe she will add The Working Mother Magazine 20 Best Companies for Multicultural Women (notice that it's not "mothers") to that list to see how those hold up too.

But for now we need to figure out how help Google, and other companies, search for better solutions than the ones they are coming up with on their own. The frustration is employees often come up with innovative ideas and then are told, "No, that won't work." Hardly a way to run a business. Yo.

Brother (or mother, father, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, neighbor, business partner) can you spare a dime? Actually, it's $1.31 per year.

Have you seen this article from Parade Magazine asking for a vote regarding funding for PBS programming? Unlike the elections, there are only two possible candidates, "Yes" or "No." I've already voted. My vote is "Yes!" If there was an "Oh hell yes!" button, I would have clicked it.

I for one do not want public television or radio to go under and I am very willing to pay $1.31 cents per year to make sure PBS stays afloat. Not only am I willing to fork over that money because I enjoy PBS and have done work for them, I am willing to pay up because I am standing up against the ridiculous argument PBS programming can be replaced by cable television programming. Pardon me while I rant for a moment about assumptions that bother me.

Newsflash: Death and taxes are a certainty in life, cable television service isn't. Hello? There are actually people who cannot afford to have cable television. And you know what else? There are people who do not want cable television. Yes, they walk among us! I have even been in their homes on more than one occasion, and you know what? Not all of them could be described as dope head democratic, republican, libertarian vegan crack dealers addicted to Wii who neglect their kids and are anti-establishment fundamental Christian Marxists who unschool their children. Not that anything is wrong with that. If any of those folks support PBS programming, I want their vote. But the ones I am speaking about mainly, are in fact run of the mill families who may not have the cash to shell out, may not believe having hundreds of channels meets their need or just, big shock, enjoy PBS programs.

PUBLIC, PUBLIC, PUBLIC Television. IT IS FOR... THE PUBLIC. YOU.ME. EVERYBODY!
Do I sound like a lunatic? I know I do and it's because the very idea that cable television programming could replace an American Icon makes me lose my shit.

Now is the time when I modify a quote from Sprockets in order to express myself: This disturbs me to the point of insanity. There. I am insane now.Obviously I have cable. I believe cable is a priveledge, not a right. PBS, to me, is a right. I want us to fight for our right to have it.

But I didn't get this passionate about PBS overnight. This has been years in the making. My parents were/are PBS Junkies. In fact my mother's ringtone when she calls me is the theme from MasterPiece Theatre because if you haven't figured it out, my mama has a penchant for drama. When I was in pre-school and needed to be in the land of make believe Mister Rogers had my back. There were other times in my life when Mister Rogers was there for me. You too? I knew I heard an "AMEN!" Maybe a true story from my own childhood will bring up some memories for you as well and in turn and make you think about what we will lose if PBS goes under.

The scene is 1976. A living room in Apt. 7B, Brooklyn Heights, NY.

Twas the days before television remote controls, the days when getting up off the sofa was required for changing a channel and I was doing just that. As I started to turn the knob on our Zenith to another station my mother instructed "Leave it be please, PBS has a show on we need to watch together." I shrugged my shoulders as if to say "Okay fine." and then asked "What show?" My mother answers, "The Underground Movement." I consult the TV Schedule and tell my mother, "NOVA is coming on next so it's probably some kind of show about moles." My mother gets fired up and proceeds to lecture me about how I am incorrect. That this show is about the Underground Resistance Movement. She insists it is my obligation "to learn about the struggle of the Jewish people" and informs me "You must watch this show as we are Jews! It is our history!" To which I reply "Are we descendants of Jewish moles? Because I'm pretty sure that if NOVA is having a show about 'The Underground' it's gonna be about animals living under the earth!" To which my mother snaps, "NO! It is about the Jewish underground resistance movement and you are going to sit right here with me and watch it so you will understand how much our ancestors had to struggle against oppression! This is my history, your history and the history you will one day share with your own children!" So throw myself down onto the sofa. I am in a full-body sulk. I am glaring. This is what 9 year olds do when they know they are right and their parent is undeniably wrong.

The voice-over for NOVA begins and goes something like "Tonight on NOVA we explore life underground, from foxes and badgers, moles..." I triumphantly turn to my mother and demand "Tell me, which one of those mammals is our ancestor who fought oppression? Maybe we have a cousin who fought an opossum. Oh wait, you did say oppression, right?"

Silence. Had my mother been capable of shooting lasers from her eyes, I believe she would have done it. It also would have cleared things up fast had the New York Times television guide published this description of the show:

Underground Movement (The)
NOVA explores life underground, from foxes and badgers through moles and worms down to the myriad of micro-organisms that make soil the most complex substrate for life on earth. Included in the film is extraordinary footage of a mole burrowing and of roots growing.
Original broadcast date: 04/18/76
Topic: animal biology/behavior

What's your PBS story? Is it from your own childhood or that of your own children?

Whatever your story may be,I bet it's worth at least $1.31 a year.