The Blind Side: Football and parenting

Last weekend our family went to see The Blind Side. The film is about an African American teen from a rough part of Memphis. I'm not reviewing the movie, so no spoilers, I'll just sum it up quickly that the boy winds up living with another family, graduates from highschool, earns his college degree and eventually becomes the football player Raven's fans know as Michael Oher.  The film, not without flaws and exagerated slightly for Hollywood, is superb. Yes it is sappy at time, yes it may not delve deeply enough, but overall it's definitely worth seeing.  And for some unexpected reasons too.

I expected the film to bring back memories of my first job as a school social worker in Louisiana. I've gone into some very tough neighborhoods much like this one depicted in Memphis and Michae' Oher's birth mother brought up all sorts of memories of families with whom I once worked. After the film I shared some of my own memories of those years with the kids, however,the film brought forth the need for a couple of unexpected conversations too.

One conversation I have already had with my 9 year old and the other which is now pending with my 14 year old.  I think this happens to quite a few of us as parents, we get blind-sided sometimes by what our kids pick up when they see a movie, television show or even overhear conversations of other people.  The title of this movie wound up being a bit of a double entendre as I got a bit blind sided myself.  When I encountered some surprising twists and turns, I followed my own advice:  answered what I could at the time I was being asked, admitted things I didn't know, assured the answers could be found, found them, went back with the information I had retrieved and made it clear I was available if other questions or concerns popped up later. But I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself. Let's go back....

We knew going into it this movie was rated PG-13. There were going to be some themes in the movie way above our 9 year old's head, but we figured they wouldn't be impossible to explain.  No surprise, we did have some 'splainin' to do. While I indicated no spoilers, I do need to describe one of the scenes in the film in order for this post to make any sense whatsoever. At one point Michael Oher is being dropped off at college and Sandra Bullock's character leans in and warns: 

"Michael Oher listen to me, all right? I want you to enjoy yourself but if you get a girl pregnant out of wedlock I will crawl in the car, drive up here to Oxford and I will cut off your penis."

Lot's of laughter in the theater, but later in the car our 9 year old son asked, "Why did his mom tell him she would cut his penis off?" Happy New Year! No dull beginning to 2010 around here. Obviously we answered his inquiry based upon what we want our son to learn from us, what we would like him to understand from our point of view. We also discussed other points of view, letting him know that while we may have one perspective, others exist.  At the same time we were clear with him thatwhen it comes down to it, ours is the one he needs to be the most concerned about understanding fully. I hate the term "family values" because it has morphed and become laden with judgement.

Our conversation with our son wasn't a slam on anyone else's perspective, it was merely a reinforcement of what we want him to know about our perspective on relationships, having children and why he'd best not knock up anyone either (but said in a gentler way appropriate for 9 year old ears). The 14 year old is a different sort of animal. He understood the warning, he's already received it because I know full well he already has peers who are sexually active. Oral sex counts as being sexually active, and as parents, the reality is we may have had our first kiss at 13, but now 13 is often the age for the first blow job. Times have changed since we were their age. I strongly suggest parents and teens have an ongoing series of conversations instead of The Sex Talk.  And begin those coversations sooner rather than later.  If it's already later, then begin now.

Which leads me into why I printed out The Incident In The Car written by Neil Kramer and suggest you consider doing the same.  Initially  I met Neil on Twitter, we got to hang out at BlogHer '09 and I saw him earlier this year at an event in New York.  While I often engage with him on Twitter, I lurk on his blog.  I've not singled it out  his blog on which to lurk, I lurk on a number of blogs, commenting from time to time, etc. I'm way behind on my reader, a friend and writer mentioned Neil's post to me and I went over to read it.

It had over 80 comments. A majority of them from women and the opinions on the piece were quite polarized. And understandably so. I have compassion for everyone and what they expressed. However,  I read Neil's post from a different perspective.  Being I have a 14 year old son. I know in the next 4 years his life is going to dramatically change in ways he cannot yet even wrap his head around. Not only do I know this from my own experiences, and yes experiments, in highchool, I know this because I have worked with high school students professionally.

I have sat and beared witness to admissions of regret and guilt made by many. Terrible terrible mistakes and misdeeds. I have also been the therapist who listened as teens and young adults  saught answers for their own behavior and that of their peers/friends/enemies. I don't even think the word "Rollercoaster" effectively describes what teens go through, but it's the closest to the way their lives can loop, soar and plummet all in a relatively brief period of time.  We have 21 years of youth, and about 3 times that of adulthood.


I don't know when the right time will be to bring the post to my 14 year old son and let him read it, but it's going to happen. And when it does, I'm confident there will be questions posed to us which may be difficult for us to answer as parents, but we're gonna anyway. I also plan to share with him what it feels like to be the 14 year old girl in the back seat. She wasn't me, but she easily could have been. I'm thankful Neil wrote the post. And I hope other parents will feel likewise.

This all circles back to The Blind Side. Michael Oher plays left tackle, the position exists to protect the quarterback from being sacked. The quarterback is well aware of the threat of being taken down by the opposing team, but it is the job of the left tackle to protect the quarterback anyway.  The left tackle gives the quarterback enough room so he can throw the ball and complete the pass. The left tackle doesn't take the ball from the quaterback and throw it himself. The quarterback still maintains control of the ball and the way it's thrown. The left tackle tries to keep the quaterback safe and yet give him enough room to do his thing.

Sounds a lot like parenting to me.

How 'bout a helping of brains with your turkey?

A week or so ago my husband and I joined our younger son at his elementary school for a Thanksgiving lunch in the school cafeteria. We've had two children attend this elementary school and the Thanksgiving lunch is something we've done in years past. Only this year it was different.

As the three of us arrived at our table and sat down one of my son's classmates burst into tears. He was seated next to me, I asked him what was up. "My parents aren't here!" Okay, no problem. "I'll go check and see if they are signed up for the lunch," I told him as I got up and made my way to the sign-in table in the school's foyer.

Arriving at the table I inquired if this particular student's parents, or any other person, had signed up for the lunch. I gave the students name to the woman at the table. "No, they aren't signed up." Okay. No problem. We'll just take him under our wing for the lunch. It'll be fine. I was about to turn from the table, but this woman wasn't done, "To be PC, his parents don't come to things." Huh? I was puzzled. I stared blankly. The woman tried again, "To be PC, his parents aren't the type of people to come to things in the middle of the day." Again I stared at her, turned my gaze to the teacher seated beside her and said "Our family will include him with us and we'll get through it. I'll also let his teacher know he was upset."

I came back to the table and explained to the boy that his parents had not signed up for the lunch and unlike school where each day has the same schedule, grownups may have different things going on every day. Sometimes grownups work far away from home or a meeting pops up. The boy told me his parents professions and I explained that both of those jobs have a great deal of responsibility, but don't have a lot of flexibility to adjust for leaving work in the middle of the day. No one at our table pretended not to notice his parents weren't there, but at the same time no one created an environment of questioning their absence either.

As we ate, we discussed the type of work we do, what his parents do, are we all staying in town or going away for Thanksgiving weekend, and how the hell did I luck out getting a double helping of green beans instead of the mashed potatoes. A side dish everyone agreed could easily be served in the art room for papier-mache projects.

After lunch I hopped in my car and called Aviva. I told her about the experience at the school and how baffled I was regarding the remark that woman had made to me in reference to the classmate's parents. "Why on earth would she preface it with 'To be PC about it...' What was that all about?" Aviva knowingly replied, "Well, you know. His parents might be nocturnal and she didn't want to say it."

I considered this for a moment, "Oh shit. I bet you're right. His parents must be vampires." Aviva continued, "Do you have a lot of undead at your son's school?" I racked my brain trying to think if we did. "No. I think they may be the only ones." I paused. Then it hit me, "OMG! Vampires, of course! Now it makes sense! That poor woman was just trying to figure out a nice way to let me know that boy is adopted or a foster child. I mean, he must be. Otherwise he'd definitely be home-schooled in the evenings."

I wish I had made that connection earlier. There's nothing wrong with being a Vampire. In fact, creatures of the night are really "in" right now. I would have explained I am actually a Zombie, as is my husband, and while we mainly roam the earth at night, we have the option of also walking among the living during daylight hours. Something Vampires just can't do safely. Being Zombies, we're already dead, so it's just a different life (or death) circumstance. Then I could have asked for a helping of brains instead of more beans.

It's not PC to categorize anyone as a monster for missing an event at school-day or night- regardless of the reason. Instead, let's focus on being compassionate when a child says they miss their mummy, daddy or anyone else.

We're all living in an era of trying to be superhuman, we shouldn't be afraid to help each other out when we see the signal is shining. There may come a time when you might have to leap tall buildings in a single bound, miss the Thanksgiving lunch and hope another hero will be on hand to swoop in and save the day.

And with that, my work here is done.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pictured Laurel Smith and a nameless flightless bird. Photo Credit: Laurel Smith, www.momsminivan.com

Pipe Down Those Pipes

The New York Times article For Some Parents, Shouting Is the New Spanking ran last week in the print version as well as on-line. That very day, we began receiving numerous emails from parents in search of alternatives to raising their voices. When we were both interviewed for the New York Time's piece, we expected the Times article would include a "what to do" component in their coverage. As we all know, this wasn't the case and the article, for many parents, felt like a spanking. This felt extremely frustrating to us as we have made it our mission to provide parents with absolution from guilt, not heap on more guilt! So, with this in mind, we're going to give you what wound up on the cutting room floor, so to speak.

Let's get one thing clear right from the start: ALMOST EVERYONE YELLS! Even if the World Health Organization were to issue a statement proposing a ban on yelling, we would still, on occasion, yell. It is a common reaction when we are upset, irritable, angry, frightened, frustrated or simply caught off guard. It happens. We're human. We don't stop being humans when we become parents, and no human is perfect, thus no parent (mother OR father) is either.

One of the criticisms of the Times piece is it did not give a definition of yelling, nor did it specify if there is any one particular type of yelling which is considered most damaging to children. In our book "Mommy Guilt" we break it down for you about where parents yell, when parents yell and how to determine if your yelling is productive or unproductive. Let's begin with a quick overview now.

Productive Yells:

This is the type we do when our children are at risk, when we need a quick resolution to a particular situation, or to provide a quick reminder that we need to get down to business.

There is the yelling we do when we are sending out a warning: GET OUT OF THE STREET! We can't imagine any parent saying in a hushed tone, "Hey sweetie, can you step to your left? There is car moving quickly and I am concerned you may get hit by it if you remain standing where you are. Thanks sweetie." Um. No.

If you walk into your home and the TV is blaring Sponge Bob and you react quickly you may holler: TURN OFF THE TELEVISION! Sometimes we have to compete to win, and this is one of those times. Even the occasional yelling to assert yourself happens from time to time. When a teen is screaming at you, sometimes you must raise your voice as if to say, "Look, we're done with this. Let's both calm down and get to talking!"

Unproductive Yelling

This is the yelling we do which makes everyone involved feel like crap. It's the yelling that admonishes, insults, humiliates or makes fun of another person. Or it is the yelling which happens so continually your family ignores it because they hear it all the time and no longer take seriously. Unproductive yelling is probably going on if you are yelling more than you would like, finding yourself feeling badly about the words you used while you were yelling or yelling at times which you later feel were not "yell worthy." Unproductive yelling is the type that is potentially harmful to children . It frightens and confuses them. It makes them feel insecure and is dehumanizing. After all, humans do have the capacity to reason, this sets us apart from other mammals, but as someone we know once said, "You can't reason with a screaming head!"

Here are a few tips and tricks to keep in mind when it comes to quelling the yelling:

• When yelling is used in an already volatile situation, it is more likely to escalate than to alleviate any problems. Yelling begets yelling.


• You may try whispering instead. The quiet calm sound of a whisper could be exactly what everyone involved really needs. And it still provides a change in your voice.


• Don't be ashamed to tell your child you need a minute to calm down. Unless safety is a concern, it may be better to give yourself a chance to think through options rather than react with a yell you may later regret.


• Consider a change of venue. If you are standing, sit down. If you are walking, stop. If you are on one side of the room cross over to the other. This may help break a pattern.


• If yelling is your primary means of communication, consider this. How will your child know when a situation is truly important when everything is met with a yell? If you wonder why no one is responding to your yelling, it may have become white noise to your family.


• Are you yelling or are you just loud? Can you tell the difference? Can your family?

OK, you slipped up and yelled - maybe you were tired, hungry, or just having a shitty day - now what?

• Tell your kid you don't like the way this scene played out and you want a "do over." Kids do this all the time, why shouldn't we.


• Admit you made a mistake. When we screw up, we can use this as a teaching opportunity for our kids and ourselves. Talk about the importance of admission and apologizing.


• Even if it takes you all day to relax and realize you screwed up, even if it takes you a few days, go back to your child and talk about it. There is no expiration date on an apology.


• Apologizing doesn't mean you approve of the transgression that set you off in the first place. It is perfectly acceptable to make that distinction when apologizing. "When I asked you to get in the car 4 times, I became frustrated and yelled. I apologize. In the future, I expect to give you two reminders and then you need to be where you are asked to be."


• If you find yourself saying "I've told you a million times," don't. Stop. It's not working if you have to say it a million times. What makes you think the 1,000,001st is going to be The One. Set a plan and stick to it. Three strikes and you're out works well. "I'll ask three times, and then I'm walking out the door." More often than not your child will follow you. Even if they follow slowly it's better than yelling. Over time they will pick up the pace.


• Get a whistle. Blow it when your kids are fighting. This works particularly well when your kids already are on teams where they have to respect the whistle. Coaches use it, you can too.

Like we said, yelling happens. How often we use it and how we deal with it afterwords probably has a greater impact on our kids than the heat of the moment yell. The Times article did what media does - created hype around a topic in order to boost readership. We never intended to be part of something that would bring up more feelings of disappointment or guilt for parents. If this was your reaction, we apologize. It was never our intention to hurt you and we hope you will allow us this do over.

By the way, my cousin sent me a hard copy of the article which actually appeared in print. While the content was the same, interestingly enough the title was different: Shout if You're Against Spanking. I wonder, if the piece online had been similarly titled would parents have felt as dumped on by the experts interviewed for the piece? In the article, it appears experts were raising their hands to say, "Yes, I am against it." The response from parents certainly could have been, "Fine, but I'm not." Looks like The Times may have been in need for a do over too folks.

Is Shouting the New Spanking? IS IT? WELL?

Update! I will be part of a panel discussion today at 12:30 EST on MSNBC's Dr. Nancy Snyderman Show. As I said on Twitter and Facebook, I am trying not to worry about a wardrobe malfunction. Although MochaMomma urged me to "PLEASE have a wardrobe malfunction, a planned one." Gotta admit, it's tempting. Too bad I don't have extra pasties from BlogHer '06. I hope you'll tune in and send me "Don't say stupid shit on national television" vibes!

The article written by Hilary Stout, For Some Parents Shouting Is The New Spanking appeared in the New York Times Styles section today and Aviva is quoted. Our post with more on the story, plus response to over 300 questions, concerns and observations found in the article's comments,will be up sometime over the weekend.

Oh, and don't think for a minute that it escaped our attention both photos included in the piece are of mothers yelling at their kids. Sure our book is called "Mommy Guilt" but this doesn't mean we support the notion mothers should just sit back,take the heat and wind up sticking our collective head in the oven whenever we admit we're experiencing tough times in the Parent-hood. We all know Dads yell too. And no doubt there are fathers who feel guilty about it. Parenting is not about perfection. Learning to be a more effective parent isn't the same thing as learning to be skilled glass blower. Glass doesn't have an ability to talk back, challenge, or call you "the meanest parent in the world." We're not parenting inanimate objects and we're human too.

(and on a separate note, this is the first time I have ever written a post, hit "spell check" and got a "No misspellings found" message. It's monumental. It is.)

Homework Hell? Here's some homework help! A must read if your kids have ADHD. Seriously.

Please give a hearty Parentopia welcome to Tracy Thompson, a friend, a colleague and an incredibly kick-ass writer. Tracy is a former Washington Post reporter and the author of two emotionally riveting and empowering books I have read and highly recommend. She is currently working on her third book and despite the fact I can't stand historical books, I'll read hers because she'll make it readable. She could write a shopping list, I would beg to read it, use it and then recommend it to everyone I met at the grocery store... She's. Just.That.Good.

In addition to being a Pulitzer prize nominated journalist, Tracy is the mother of two and a wife of one. She writes about her own personal trinity over at her blog Maternally Challenged. You can also follow her on Twitter. I was talking to Tracy recently and she was telling me about how homework was no longer a living hell in her household. I encouraged her to write a guest post for us and share her family's newly implemented plan for happier homework habits. Put your hands together for your friend,and mine, Tracy Thompson!


We have a two-ADHD-kid household here, so life can get interesting. Kid #1 is going on 13 and is doing great these days; she has inherited her dad’s work ethic and over the past two years has taken a great leap forward in finding ways to compensate for her organizational issues. The eight-year-old isn’t there yet. Also, unlike her big sister, the eight-year-old has the physical hyperactivity component of this particular neurological condition, which means that getting her to sit still long enough to do anything—eat a meal, tie her shoes, do her homework—is like playing Whack-A-Mole. Last year was a horror, and this year started out to be just as bad. Homework was taking three hours a night, and it involved a lot of screaming, slamming of doors, thundering ultimatums and general tension. It was turning me into a harpy, my husband into a nag, the older daughter into a basket of nerves and the kid herself into a surly, unhappy little person. And then, thanks to a combination of perseverance, good advice from a great teacher and some expertise from a therapist, we finally came up with a strategy for homework that (dare I say it) actually works.

No two ADHD kids are the same, so just read what I describe here and figure out what might apply to you. But keep an open mind; there are parts of this strategy I began by thinking were kind of silly, like the Homework Box, but which proved to be a crucial part of the big picture. You have to remember that if you personally don’t have executive functioning issues, you will never really understand what it’s like to cope with them.

So, here it is. Bear in mind, this is for a third grader.

1. We banished specialized folders for different subjects. Kids love them—it gives them a chance to collect various Spiderman or cute kitten designs—but having more than one of something is a recipe for disorganization. Instead, the kid gets one color-coded accordion file for all her papers and assignments. The very front part is reserved for whatever is in transit--worksheets, teacher notices, permission slips, whatever. Everything else--study sheets, special assignments, long-term projects--is filed by subject. This way, there's ONE thing she knows must go back and forth every day.
2. Because books were constantly being misplaced, she gets multiple copies of some crucial books. Two, which are used for weekend homework, came home. Another set she keeps in a particular classroom at school. Between that and that wonderful new thing called “online access to textbooks,” she never gets to say, "I can't do my homework because I forgot my book."
3. After I located the teacher’s website, I bookmarked it. The kid has an easy way to check on what her assignments are if she forgets to write them down (which she does, regularly). Obviously, this requires a teacher who will keep a website up to date, and computer access at home.
4. At the end of the school day, the teacher doublechecks to make SURE the kid has everything she needs to take home. Ditto at the beginning of the day, to make sure she drops her completed homework into the homework box by the door. At home, the parent checks the backpack when it walks in the door, and again after homework is done, to make sure all materials are where they need to be.
5. We established a Homework Box. It stays on top of the refrigerator when not in use. In it are everything the kid needs: pencils, paper, colored pencils, glue stick, scissors, the extra books from school, cushy little pencil holders, erasers. This eliminates running around to find stuff, which is helpful because what would be an insignificant interruption to other people is, to ADHD kids, a massive derailment of their train of thought.
6. Homework is put off until after dinner. This goes against the grain for many folks, who think kids should do homework first and play later—but ADHD kids desperately need time to run around or just veg out.
7. Homework lasts for one hour, period. Whatever doesn't get done in that hour just doesn’t get done. The parent jots a note to the teacher explaining whether the kid was goofing off, or whether the kid spent that hour really working hard and just didn't get to something. At home, the consequence for goofing off is forfeiture of TV/computer/Nintendo for the next 24 hours. At school, consequences are up to the teacher, who can, in his/her discretion, just write it off, or figure out a way to assign make-up work.

The beauty of this system is that it teaches kids skills like prioritizing, and helps them begin to learn their own ways of focusing. It also eliminates those horrendous three-hour-long dogfights between kids and parents—which, in our house, were enough to send me to the Xanax bottle every night. Even on bad nights, anything is bearable for one hour. Finally, it gives the kid responsibility and imposes consequences, but does not penalize him/her for having ADHD in the first place.

I won’t lie; if you use this system, you will find that not every single piece of homework will get done. But you know what? The important homework will get done. And your kid will be learning important habits that will stand him/her in good stead later on, when homework really starts to count a lot more than it does in third grade.

When The F-Bomb Drops In Front Of The Kids

Saturday Night Live recently began their new season. First, let me say when it was announced this is the show's 35th year, the realization I am 7 years older than than SNL made me drop the F-bomb in my own head. As a 7 year old, I sometimes watched the show with my father. Oh go ahead, tell me what a terrible parent he was, tell me that I should have been in bed. Lecture me on how inappropriate it was for me to be watching a program meant for adults. But at the risk of sounding like an old fart, "It was different back then."

I lived in NYC, the show aired on a weekend and most of the show was funny and much of the adult humor went right over my second grader head. Sure I remember the Killer Bees at summer camp. I had no idea "buzzing off" was a metaphor referring to masturbation nor did I pick up on "Then why is there honey all over the sheets?" and hone in on Entomological ejaculate. Back in The Day, my 7 or 8 year old self watched a bunch of actors dressed like bees having a fun time at summer camp. The beauty of the show back then was the humor was sophisticated yet immature simultaneously. A a child could watch it, find it funny and not access the grown up "funny."

Familiar with the saying "Nothing stays the same?" Of course you are. When I was in middle school I remember watching an SNL skit based on the TV show "Dallas." An actor, Charles Rocket, in a wheelchair playing the JR Ewing role, looked right into the camera and said, "I want to know who the fuck did it." The episode aired in the very early 80's. And after I watched it...

It gave me nightmares, Just kidding. I really was awake. Just kidding. I awoke drenched in my own sweat. Just kidding. I never sweat. Just kidding. Pipes sweat and I'm a plumber. Just kidding. I'm not a plumber, plumbers eat plumbs. Just kidding. I couldn't eat. Just kidding. I could eat, I couldn't go to school. Just kidding. Schools are for fish, I'm a fish. Just kidding. Fish can talk. Just kidding. I couldn't talk with my friends on the phone. Just kidding. My friends don't have phones. Only I had a phone. Just kidding. I called all of my friends when I heard Charles Rocket say the word "fuck" on TV. My parents called all of my friends, just kidding. My parents called all of their friends. JUST KIDDING. Seriously.

Last weekend when Jenny Slate let the F-bomb drop my 13 year old son was watching the show with me and this is how we handled the unexpected explosion:

Son: Did you hear that?

Me: Yup.

Son: She said the "F" word.

Me: Yup

Son: Wow.

Me: Yup.

Son: She wasn't supposed to use that word on TV.

Me: Nope.

Son: Oops.

Me: Yup.

You know what I didn't do? Tell me son I thought the actor should lose her job because of it. People make mistakes, I told my son about the time I heard Charles Rocket drop the F-bomb on SNL and explained that unlike Ms. Slate who clearly slipped up (notice her cheeks puffing out on the video?) Charles Rocket knew exactly what he was saying and delivered that line purposefully with the intent to drop that F-bomb on his viewers. I used that moment to reinforce our own policy at home, which is we "legalize and regulate" when it comes to who uses what words under which circumstances.

I'll be the first to admit I don't police my language when I speak to other adults which means when I am on the phone or in conversations with grown ups, my children hear me use many of the 7 dirty words you can't use on television. (Only now I think that number may have been reduced to 5 on Local TV channels and Zero on Cable/Satellite television.) When my kids got to be about preschool age, this is when they noticed "bad" words existed. I remember one time my son scolded, "Mommy, you just said the "S" word!" and I immediately bristled and answered, "I absolutely did not say the word shit." And then I realized I had in fact said the word "stupid." Oh! That "S" word. I made a note to myself, "Going forward, remember to inquire as to which "S" word may have been overheard prior to be offering up your best defense." Ass-U-Me. 'nuff said.

Our kids will hear words we dont' want them to use. They will hear words we may not use either. One of my favorite stories is from a friend whose toddler was walking up and down the aisles of Target announcing "daaaam-it! daaaaam-it! daaaaam-it!" Cute when it's a toddler trying to hear their own voice, however when it's a teen telling a parent "Go to hell!" that's not so endearing to the listening ear.

Kids curse for different reasons at different ages. Trying out "bad" words is actually a stage of development children experience multiple times. From toddler to teen your kids may utter words which may make you cringe. Whether your discomfort lies with the actual words or the timing of their use it might help to think about how you want to respond to your child.

There is no "one way" to respond to a child's use of these words. How you respond to a toddler will also differ from how you respond to a tween. Just keep in mind what you wish to teach your child about self expression. Some families, like mine, are fairly comfortable with having kids hear some colorful language from time to time. Other families abhor it. And then there are those who are somewhere in the middle. But what if you aren't sure how to communicate to your kid where your own tolerances are on that continuum?

Here is one example of how we've legalized and regulated cursing at Chez Renner:

We don't label any word as "bad." Smaller kids may think "bad word" equals "bad person." I prefer to keep my credibility as a parent since I know I use "bad" words myself and am not successful at policing myself. However, I do watch my words in front of other people's kids. You won't have to worry about your child playing at my house and hearing me ask "What the hell do you want for lunch?" I don't talk to kids that way regardless of whom they may belong to, but if I am alone with my own kids, you may hear me respond to a request for a juicebox with "OH GO TO HELL!" and my sons will pipe right back at me with "And while you're there, why don't you grab us a juice box!" because they know it's an inside joke from a movie we've watched as a family.

Some families substitute by explaining, "Some words are used only by adults over the age of 18(21, 60 fill in whatever age makes sense to you.) "In our house we call them "mom or dad" words instead of "adult" because what 12 year old doesn't think he/she is "grown?" It's far more obvious to our kids they have not fathered children. However even something that seems so simple, can result in having to be explained further. Take note of this actual conversation I had with my son when he was 3 years old:

Son: I want to say damn-it. Can I use that word?

Me: No. That is a mom or dad word.

Son: I'm not a dad.

Me: No. And you aren't a mom either.

Son: When I am a dad I can use the word Damn-it?

Me: Yes. But until you are it's not a kid word. It's only a mom or dad word.

Son: What about the beavers?

Me: The beavers? What do you mean?

Son: Beavers should be able to use the word damn-it. I think damn-it is a mommy, daddy or beaver word.

Me: Yes. But keep in mind you won't ever grow up to be a beaver at any age. So we're going to stick with the Mom or dad guideline for words like damn-it.

Son: Okay, but I still think it's a mommy, daddy or beaver word.

The result of that conversation is we now refer to any off-limit language as "mommy, daddy or beaver" words. Which actually works out well because they remember our language rule and we dont' have to go into any sort of lecture or explanation when an infraction happens. We just say "Mom, Dad, Beaver?" and they totally get it.

Teach your kids about your own tolerances. Kids live up or down to the expectations we set, so giving your kids a clear roadmap of where you want them to navigate in the language department will make your job as a parent easier. First you need to figure out where you stand word-wise. Is "suck" okay, but "screw" isn't? Can you tolerate "shit" but go off the deep end if told "shut up"?

Consider for a moment teachable moments happen in the least likely of places. We once visited the St. Louis Zoo where our older son pointed at a sign near an animal enclosure and exclaimed, "Mom, LOOK!" and I read it aloud, "Somali Wild Ass. Okay. So?" Our son couldn't believe that word was used at a zoo with kids. This was a perfect time to explain to him about societal expectations of language. Or in other words, people can hear you speak so let's discuss the concept of context; Somali Wild Ass at a zoo is okay since the animal's formal name includes the word ass. Calling your brother an ass at the zoo is not okay since your brother's formal name is Josh.

Keep in mind that even if you legalize and regulate, you may have some answering to do later on. I remember when my 3rd grade son's Mad Lib's book was found on the floor in his classroom and the teacher returned it to me offering, "Mrs. Renner, there are some words in here you may want to discuss with your son." And later, when I opened the book and read through it, I realized he had used "Somali Wild Ass" for almost every single noun and plural noun.

We revisited the concept of context once again. And it won't be the last time either. Especially when the time will come for me to explain another meaning of "beaver", probably when high school begins, if he doesn't already know. The kids are bound to hear it used in a context other than that of woodland creature.

My kids, and your kids too, will hear stuff we prefer they didn't. It's bound to happen, so let's all get our inner Scout out and be prepared.

As I mentioned earlier, each stage of development brings on new challenges when it comes to the language we use or want our kids to use (Or not use as the case may be.) So decide for yourself what your tolerances are, communicate them to your kids at a level they can understand and try to be as consistent as possible with whatever you decide works for your family at an age/stage. This way if you drop a can of soup on your foot, you can say whatever you need to say, be it "Oh shit!" or "Oh sugar!" with the confidence you probably won't get a note sent home from school which reads, "Your son called me a Somali Wild Ass today. Please speak with him about it." Because like my own son, your offspring will know it's okay in certain places and not okay in others or even not at all.

Feel free to share your own damn experiences with me.

Sending you on a couple of recon missions to PBS Parents and Alice. Com

We're back at PBS Parents for another Q&A! Come over and join the discussion about the nightmares we have before school begins and after it starts. Share your own sleepless nights or help other parents get more sleep by giving them some insider tips and tricks.

While we were at BlogHer the lovely Kristen Chase from Motherhood Uncensored interviewed us for Alice.com. After you watch the video, come back and tell us if we picked the right cleaning products to represent ourselves.

The Jon & Kate Effect

Years ago when I had my first job as a clinical social worker, my supervisor asked me to facilitate a "Divorce Recovery Group" for elementary school students. I flat out told him, "I am happy to faciliate a "Dealing With Divorce" group, but a "Divorce Recovery" group is out of the question. Children do not recover from divorce, they aren't able to go on to another relationship in quite the same way as adults. In fact, they can't. Their parents will always be their parents." I remember he kind of stared at me. Then I said, "Look, parents don't divorce, husbands and wives do. It's not the parent relationship that is breaking apart, it is the marriage." Then the light bulb illuminated and he got it. So "Dealing With Divorce" was put on the schedule.

My own parents divorced when I was 4 and when they did, they told me they both loved me very much but the two of them were not happy. Wasn't a shocker, I knew. When the main communication between two people is yelling, it's sort of obvious. I've always respected my parents for uniting together as parents to tell me they were splitting up as husband and wife. I strongly believe in doing so the take-away I got as a kid was "It's not your fault. It's not a kid thing, it's an adult thing. You are loved, we will take care of you together even if we live apart." And they stuck to that for the most part. Of course there were times when they would argue about visitation or child support, goes with the territory and I'm not going to minimize that fact at all. Very few divorces have precious little bunnies as a mascot. Fortunately the aftermath of my parents' divorce was not devastating to me. I'm very fortunate.

When a couple falls in love it's like the rest of the world falls away and there are only two people making goo-goo eyes at each other and planning their future. No doubt we all have stories of either being in love and neglecting our friends/family or having the experience of being set to the side by a friend who now only spends 24/7 thinking and being with their soon-to-be other half. As wonderful as being in love is, it is also a somewhat selfish period for many people. Usually once the relationship is established and a resolution of how/if it will continue has been made, the couple's world reopens and suddenly they look up and realized "Oh wow. We've got other people in our life." And with that, they may have some fences to mend and often those whom have been woefully neglected understand and respond "Will attend" when the wedding invitation appears in their mailbox.

In my opinion splitting in many ways mimics being in love. Only it's akin to the photo negative of it. I think this is why adults who are divorcing often lose sight of what's going on with their children during the break up. It's not because they don't care or are ignoring the kids, but in most situations the falling in love and getting married happened before the kids came along, so the break-up of that marriage sort of sends the couple back to a time when they didn't have to consider the effect of their relationship on anyone else. I mean, how many of us really watch a couple falling in love and wonder, "What's going to happen to me?" But in divorce, that question is continually present in the minds of most people who are within the circle of a family experiencing a divorce. Especially the kids.

So now we've got Jon & Kate on TV. On the one hand it gives us all a birds eye view on what it looks like when a marriage ends. On the other hand their children will eventually be old enough to see re-runs, if they haven't already seen some of this already. Is it a PR stunt? I hope not. Will this husband and wife actually divorce? I don't know. Will there be reconciliation? I suppose anything is possible. What won't change is the effect this public airing of a private decision will have on their own kids, and also ours. And it doesn't have to be all "bad".

The good that comes out of it is it opens the door to have conversations about divorce. If it's not happening in our own family, statistics definitely support our kids have friends who are dealing with it. While there is a lot written about the importance of having a support system for adults going through a divorce, I haven't seen as much emphasis written about how we can help children support other children who are dealing with divorce.

If kids have questions, especially if they hear adults talking. Answer them truthfully but you don't have to dig up the Guidelines for Child Support and go over them. Here are some ideas of how you can help your kids if you know one of their friends or family members is divorcing. Feel free to add your own in the comments:

1. It's enough to answer, "Will my friend have to move away?" with something along the lines of, "As far as I know, your friend will still live in the same house, but there is a possibility they could move to a smaller one or an apartment. Sometimes that happens. But living in the car? Probably not."

2. Talk about divorce. This is an excellent opportunity to discuss a tough topic under the umbrella of what you want your kids to learn from you, your faith community or your own life experience. Kids do wonder why mom or dad has a stepmother or stepfather, so this is also a way of introducing the idea of what a blended family is to your kids.

3. If your own marriage is in a rocky place, or even if you've just been disagreeing recently, don't be too surprised if your child connects the dots and asks if you are going to divorce. You might want to prepare yourself a bit so that question doesn't throw you completely. More than anything children want to know what will happen to THEM, not YOU. So try to focus on giving them assurances they will be loved, provided for.

4. Keep trash talk contained if the kids are close by. I used to have a supervisor who referred to it as " Remember you are standing in a corn field and there are small ears growing everywhere." Not only will this prevent the airing of your personal opinions on the school playground it will also serve to keep your child in a neutral zone, keeping them out of the war zone which may be going on in the adult world.

5. Be open about the increased need to be a compassionate friend and that can't be understated. On the inside, children are intuitive creatures, even if they may not always demonstrate it on the outside. Kids are really like horses, they sense things. Definitely mention their friend might be going through a bunch of emotions; grumpy, impatient, easily distracted, clingy, sad, tearful, etc. Let kids know these feelings can change from day to day and even minute to minute and to cut their friend some slack and give them some extra wiggle room to be a bit more moody for a while.

6. While the above is helpful for being a friend, keep in mind your child doesn't have to become an emotional doormat for anyone else either. Give your child a couple of empowering, yet sympathetic, phrases they can use if they are feeling somewhat overwhelmed by a friend's demands for attention or need to lash out at someone else, even if unintentional. Phrases like:

I'm your friend. Please be nice to me.- simple statement. Probably says it all.
Even if we aren't getting along right now, I'm your friend. - better for an older kid.
I think it's time for me to go home. -no need to elaborate as to why.

Divorce isn't easy. Certainly Jon & Kate's kids are in for a tough time. Their parents may not be as emotionally available to them, so there is need for others to be compassionate, even in the blogosphere and especially in the media outlets. The married couple divorcing has chosen to live it out, at least until now, on TV but this doesn't mean a legacy should be left for their children which includes googling their television show and happening upon all sorts of terrible things written about their parents, or even themselves. Yes these folks are famous, but it was no more the choice of these children to have this drama played out in the public eye as it was for these kids to choose who their parents would wind up marrying.

I think as parents this public break up of a marriage serves to remind all of us,that regardless of how famous this family has become or what measurement stick we use, the impact of two grown-ups divorcing isn't all that different than if they had never been on TV at all. To Gosselin's children-who never made any of the arrangements; be it the signing of a TV contract or the signing of a marriage license-this isn't reality TV...it's reality.

PBS Parents Q&A Launched! We say hey, what a wonderful kind of day!

PBS programming has always been a big part of our lives; During our own childhood, in the course of our parenting, and now as professionals. We are so excited to be featured experts on PBS Parents this month! We hope you will click on over, check out the Q&A and participate in the discussion about what spikes or decreases your guilt-o-meter.

Devra makes it no secret that if Calliou , Arthur and Clifford were of age (and in the case of Arthur and Clifford, human), she'd take them all out and buy 'em a round for each 30 minute increment they kept her sons contently occupied giving her the opportunity to take a shower...and leave the guilt.

Aviva says, "Roger(s) that!"