Parentopia Prop: Helena Oliviero Atlanta-Journal Constitution

As part of my job as a Contributing Editor at BlogHer.com I write about Digital Parenting. While many parents have ventured into the land of social media and making connections online, the idea of having kids doing the same makes a lot of folks nervous. It doesn't help when we've got a majority of mainstream media focusing on fear mongering and shaming their readership.

Seriously, it is insulting and patently ridiculous. We don't need this in our lives. Parenting presents enough challenges, we need information from our media, not finger wagging and navel gazing.

So when I was interviewed by Helena Oliviero from the Atlanta-Journal Constitution for her piece Parents Balance Freedom, Safety On Facebook I wasn't sure how my quotes would wind up or how the piece would come together. Which isn't at all unusual whenever anyone agrees to be interviewed. Unless you know the reporter personally, it's almost always a crap shoot.

Not to say reporters are the main problem, I don't believe they are, after all their are editors, producers and quite a few others who have their eyes on a pitch or piece before it is approved, put to bed and hits the stands or airwaves. I'm not dumping on journalists, I know many hardworking journos and for the most part they are the ones who want to do their job well, but at the same time, papers are losing money and those holding onto the purse strings are panicking. It's a trickle down effect. And when stories go bad, it is often the journalist who finds themselves on the hot seat and not positioned to thrown an editor or producer under the bus. With the current revolving doors at many of the newspapers and magazines, keeping one's job right now is outweighing quite a bit in my opinion. And understandably so. But last week I had a glimmer of hope that things may be coming back around...

When the AJC article came out last week, I yelped. I did. 'twas a yelp of joy. Finally a piece written in a major newspaper about a touchy topic that did not position parents as inept and offered pertinent and practical information to parents in a positive reporting style!

I'm holding up this piece as a model for others to read and emulate. This is what journalism is meant to do folks, find facts, report em and inform the public. Regardless of whether my quote had made it into this piece, I would still be singing it's praises.

And for this, Helena Oliviero is completely deserving of a Parentopia Prop!

A Parentopia Prop

It's been a long time since we've given out any Parentopia Props. Since it has been a while, we'll refresh your memory of why we award the props. The purpose is to bring positive attention to those journalists who write about parenthood related topics sans the mommy (and daddy) war rhetoric. We prop those journalists who focus on issues instead stirring up angst. Journalism is often a thankless job, so this is our way of showing appreciation.

It's no secret infants need to be fed. But getting this basic need met hasn't always resulted in a meeting of the minds among experts, parents and people you may encounter on an airplane. Everyone seems to have their own opinion as to how and what your infant should be fed. A few months ago BabyCenter interviewed us for The Top 7 Mommy Guilt Trips--and how to handle them When we went back and read the comments, we were frustrated (but sadly not surprised) by the nastiness which occurred among the readers as they attacked each other. We also noticed we didn't escape the line of fire either. One commenter wanted to know, "Who are Renner and Pflock and what makes them think they know more than the American Academy of Pediatrics."

Well, since we're Renner and Pflock, we can say with a good deal of certainty we never claimed to know more than the American Academy of Pediatrics. In fact, we have made it clear we support their breastfeeding guidelines with the caveat that we acknowledge not all moms are ready, willing nor able to meet them. Whatever their reason, it's not our business to pass judgement. Why? Easy. It's not our baby, it's theirs. It's not our body, it's theirs. It's not our family, it's theirs. It's not our decision, it's theirs.

That being said, there are folks who choose to take on the parenting decisions other people make and express their feelings about them. If that be you? Be prepared to encounter some pissed off parents from time to time. Not saying input from others isn't helpful nor well intended, we all know it often is, but if anyone is offering up an unsolicited opinions about the feeding an infant, be aware it may not be welcomed by new parents with the same enthusiasm as an offer of a casserole.

So with this in mind...

Starshine Roshell is receiving a Parentopia Prop for her piece, A Formula for Guilt: Tainted Baby Food Leaves Kids Ill, Parents Remorseful which we came across in the Santa Barbara Independent.

Double up your effort to provide support to single parents at holiday time. Parentopia Prop goes to Silicon Valley Moms Blogger

My parents divorced when I was 4. I was very fortunate they were able to negotiate holidays fairly well without too much drama. However, this is not necessarily every family's holiday experience. Many single parents struggle thru the holiday season and those who aren't single? We can help. Oh yes we can. And we can do it in ways that are meaningful and not built on a foundation of pity or competition.

A Parentopia Prop is awarded to Leslie at Silicon Valley Moms Blog for her post "A Holiday Wish List For Single Moms." as she addressed the oft negative reality of being a single parent during the holiday season while providing a postitive platform on which to build empathy among parents.

Got a nominee for a Parentopia Prop? Email us or leave a link in the comments.

More Fathers Fighting for Flexibility in the Workplace, but why call it "Daddy Wars"?

Here I am. With my head held high...over my toilet. Why? USA Today.

"Accountability Central: As dads push for family time, tensions rise in workplace, Demands for leave, flexible hours reshape careers and fuel conflicts" Initially I was happy to see a story about Dads and workplace flexibility. Unfortunately after reading the piece it made me feel queasy. I am sorry to seem like I am picking on one particular news outlet. I realize many have gotten on the sensationalism track, but then again USA Today has published quite a few "Mommy Wars" stories recently. This sentence in particular, "As dads demand paternity leave, flexible work schedules, telecommuting and other new benefits, they've ignited what workplace specialists are calling the Daddy Wars." Had me holding my own hair back, falling to my knees and waiting to worship the porcelain god.* These are "new benefits"? Hardly. As the story states, the benefits have traditionally, when offered, been used by mothers.

What really had me floating over the bowl, so to speak ,is USA Today missed the real story. Hello! Hello out there! Fathers are standing up for their caregiving responsibilities and not backing down. Even if there is some tension.

Here is the real story in the USA Today Article:

"The survey also found that working dads are increasingly tapping into benefits that until just a few years ago were used almost exclusively by mothers: 71% of fathers with a child under age 5 took paternity leave when it was offered by their employer."


and

"When Ernst & Young began letting fathers take parental leave in 2001, dads made up 46% of those taking it. Today, slightly more than 50% of those who take such leave are men."

If these quotes are accurate, this is a HUGE deal. It would mean a shift in the paradigm to include fathers as caregivers AND to identify benefits need to be made available to every employee, regardless of gender. (Aviva and I have spoken to hundreds of parents, we know caring for kids is no longer being handed down from the maternal side of a family. Dads are in the mix and are having their say. GOOD! This is GOOD! This is good for families! After all, most of us either have a family or came from one.)

But let us all resist the temptation to get wrapped up in a mom lament of, "Oh, those dads just want a pat on the back when moms have been doing this for way longer with few accolades, we've been suffering about this for years. Now they want in? Oh no they just didn't." Hell to the no! Dads and moms band together! The root of family benefits is the employer/employee relationship, not parenting. When we get sucked in to believing moms and dads are "warring" this just lets employers and our government off the hook. Again, hell to the no!

Keep in mind we need to be on the same side in order to get these flexibility benefits. It doesn't serve anyone, other than an employer who wants any excuse not to offer flexibility, to fight amongst ourselves. No argument that the majority of women have had to fight far more longer and harder than the majority of men, but why should mothers have to continue the battle all by ourselves when dads want what we want too? C'mon parents, depend on each other, everybody get together and support one another. RIGHT NOW!

It is painfully obvious much of the media concentrates on perpetuating the notion moms are warring against each other. But what about the dads? Oh! Hey! Here they are! And now it's fathers drawing the battle lines? Oh come on! Someone needs to shut their pie hole on the negative spin. Didn't the media just get our collective call to end one war ? This isn't a "Daddy War" this is a sociological, economical and psychological argument for accommodation for family needs and workplace flexibility! Call it that.

Tossing around the battle banter is a distraction from what is really going on here. Men AND women are doing carework (not just of children either, we've got others we care for in our family and friendship circles!) Men and women are uniting and presenting what they need to our employers and there are growing(even if it is slow, but it is nevertheless an increase) number of employers who are taking those concerns seriously. Moms AND Dads are making positive changes in the workplace. Even if they are considered minor. Slow and steady can, and does, win a race. Report it!

You there, you in the power seat at TV, Radio and newspapers. Support us. Let me give you one big hint on how you can do that. Don't start a "Daddy War." Resist the temptation to capitalize on reporting family flexibility as whiny, demanding or unnecessary. Stop presenting flexibility as something only white privileged MBA executives need or care about. Maybe those folk have more time to discuss it because they aren't as consumed with figuring out how to maintain 3 hots and a cot because they have more resources to switch to Plan B if necessary. When you work part time at McDonald's, have 6 kids and live in a box, the plan is Survival. So yeah, those of us with the time, let's try to bring more happiness into the workplace in the way of instituting carework policies here and there. It's not a deep dark secret that happy workers are better workers. Being flexible in the workplace is beneficial to the bottom line. Label it as being so!

It is high time companies realize it makes sense to change the focus. And you know what? Some of them are. We're just not hearing and reading about it in the media very much because it's not as sexy to report. I remember a time when Yellow Journalism was something that occasionally creeped into a newspaper or tv news program. Now? There's so much yellow, I shade my eyes much of the time from the glare.

But is it just the media's fault or responsibility? No. Am I at war with the media? Absolutely not. Journalists are not our enemy. We do need them in our corner and it's not like journalists don't have families they would like to go home to. Journalists have high pressure and crappy work conditions too. Flexible options would be good for everyone. Including journalists. Aviva and I created Parentopia Props for the purpose of bringing attention to those journalists who write sans the mommy (and now daddy) war rhetoric.

The rhetoric isn't merely perpetuated by journalists. It also included the sources who's loyalties aren't quite where I would like to see them. I've said before and I will say it again, I am perfectly willing to take a pass on an interview if the focus of a piece it to pit parents against each other. I will turn away from an article if it perpetuates "mommy wars" (now I'll be including "daddy wars" too.)

And you know what? It's not about Work/Family. Why should work come first? It's about Family/Work. Use that from now on!

And if you do? I won't ever have to post a picture of my head over toilet on the Internet again.

*(If you are thinking "Damn, maybe it is that ugly floor and wallpaper getting to Devra" you'd be right about that too. Change is coming, in our bathroom and beyond!)

Parentopia Prop Goes To Gillian Shaw of the Vancouver Sun

Gillian Shaw's article The mommy factor: Maternal wall joins glass ceiling to limit women's options receives a Parentopia Prop for addressing the numerous factors contributing to what some have dubbed "The Maternal Ceiling" while including quotes from mothers with varied perspectives. You will not find any bloviating nor one upmomship in regard to combining employment and parenting. This article presents what we would consider a well-rounded view of issues pertaining to mothers in the workforce and offers insight as to ways some mothers have chosen to handle them.

Included is a reference to the "Litigating the Maternal Wall Study" from the Work Life Law Center at UC Hastings (Joan Williams rocks our world!) and Shaw reports 30 of the 100 Best companies are mentioned in that study. Here is the link to the study with a hat tip to Ms. Shaw providing it.

We've notified Ms. Shaw of her prop and thanked her for her work.

Introducing Parentopia Props

We signed on with MOTHERS , The National Association of Mothers' Centers, MomsRising as well as whole host of other organizations and professionals to do whatever we can to support a mommy wars cease-fire.

In light of our agreement to support the mommy wars cease-fire, we will be giving shout outs (Props) to media outlets who choose to run stories that deal with the real issues, real emotions of parenting and do not pit parents against each other or create an atmosphere of one-upmanship (one-upmomship).

Today it is the Dallas Morning News getting Parentopia Props:

Mommy Guilt
If your floor is crunchy and you yell sometimes - you're not alone, says ELISKA COUNCE of McKinney

Our next step will be contacting the paper directly . We strongly encourage you to do the same.

Here's the thing many people may not realize about working as a journalist, the day to day work is high stress/low praise and high expectation/low recognition. Essentially it is often a thankless job. ( Gee, kinda like parenting sometimes. We can definitely relate!)

We urge you to follow our lead and recognize those journalists, writers and media outlets who "get it" and use their airtime and/or ink to not only inform the public, but also to serve as a voice of empowerment, empathy and encouragement regarding parenthood.

This will be a regular feature on our blog, so if you know of any media deserving Parentopia Props, email us or leave it in comments.