Pipe Down Those Pipes

The New York Times article For Some Parents, Shouting Is the New Spanking ran last week in the print version as well as on-line. That very day, we began receiving numerous emails from parents in search of alternatives to raising their voices. When we were both interviewed for the New York Time's piece, we expected the Times article would include a "what to do" component in their coverage. As we all know, this wasn't the case and the article, for many parents, felt like a spanking. This felt extremely frustrating to us as we have made it our mission to provide parents with absolution from guilt, not heap on more guilt! So, with this in mind, we're going to give you what wound up on the cutting room floor, so to speak.

Let's get one thing clear right from the start: ALMOST EVERYONE YELLS! Even if the World Health Organization were to issue a statement proposing a ban on yelling, we would still, on occasion, yell. It is a common reaction when we are upset, irritable, angry, frightened, frustrated or simply caught off guard. It happens. We're human. We don't stop being humans when we become parents, and no human is perfect, thus no parent (mother OR father) is either.

One of the criticisms of the Times piece is it did not give a definition of yelling, nor did it specify if there is any one particular type of yelling which is considered most damaging to children. In our book "Mommy Guilt" we break it down for you about where parents yell, when parents yell and how to determine if your yelling is productive or unproductive. Let's begin with a quick overview now.

Productive Yells:

This is the type we do when our children are at risk, when we need a quick resolution to a particular situation, or to provide a quick reminder that we need to get down to business.

There is the yelling we do when we are sending out a warning: GET OUT OF THE STREET! We can't imagine any parent saying in a hushed tone, "Hey sweetie, can you step to your left? There is car moving quickly and I am concerned you may get hit by it if you remain standing where you are. Thanks sweetie." Um. No.

If you walk into your home and the TV is blaring Sponge Bob and you react quickly you may holler: TURN OFF THE TELEVISION! Sometimes we have to compete to win, and this is one of those times. Even the occasional yelling to assert yourself happens from time to time. When a teen is screaming at you, sometimes you must raise your voice as if to say, "Look, we're done with this. Let's both calm down and get to talking!"

Unproductive Yelling

This is the yelling we do which makes everyone involved feel like crap. It's the yelling that admonishes, insults, humiliates or makes fun of another person. Or it is the yelling which happens so continually your family ignores it because they hear it all the time and no longer take seriously. Unproductive yelling is probably going on if you are yelling more than you would like, finding yourself feeling badly about the words you used while you were yelling or yelling at times which you later feel were not "yell worthy." Unproductive yelling is the type that is potentially harmful to children . It frightens and confuses them. It makes them feel insecure and is dehumanizing. After all, humans do have the capacity to reason, this sets us apart from other mammals, but as someone we know once said, "You can't reason with a screaming head!"

Here are a few tips and tricks to keep in mind when it comes to quelling the yelling:

• When yelling is used in an already volatile situation, it is more likely to escalate than to alleviate any problems. Yelling begets yelling.


• You may try whispering instead. The quiet calm sound of a whisper could be exactly what everyone involved really needs. And it still provides a change in your voice.


• Don't be ashamed to tell your child you need a minute to calm down. Unless safety is a concern, it may be better to give yourself a chance to think through options rather than react with a yell you may later regret.


• Consider a change of venue. If you are standing, sit down. If you are walking, stop. If you are on one side of the room cross over to the other. This may help break a pattern.


• If yelling is your primary means of communication, consider this. How will your child know when a situation is truly important when everything is met with a yell? If you wonder why no one is responding to your yelling, it may have become white noise to your family.


• Are you yelling or are you just loud? Can you tell the difference? Can your family?

OK, you slipped up and yelled - maybe you were tired, hungry, or just having a shitty day - now what?

• Tell your kid you don't like the way this scene played out and you want a "do over." Kids do this all the time, why shouldn't we.


• Admit you made a mistake. When we screw up, we can use this as a teaching opportunity for our kids and ourselves. Talk about the importance of admission and apologizing.


• Even if it takes you all day to relax and realize you screwed up, even if it takes you a few days, go back to your child and talk about it. There is no expiration date on an apology.


• Apologizing doesn't mean you approve of the transgression that set you off in the first place. It is perfectly acceptable to make that distinction when apologizing. "When I asked you to get in the car 4 times, I became frustrated and yelled. I apologize. In the future, I expect to give you two reminders and then you need to be where you are asked to be."


• If you find yourself saying "I've told you a million times," don't. Stop. It's not working if you have to say it a million times. What makes you think the 1,000,001st is going to be The One. Set a plan and stick to it. Three strikes and you're out works well. "I'll ask three times, and then I'm walking out the door." More often than not your child will follow you. Even if they follow slowly it's better than yelling. Over time they will pick up the pace.


• Get a whistle. Blow it when your kids are fighting. This works particularly well when your kids already are on teams where they have to respect the whistle. Coaches use it, you can too.

Like we said, yelling happens. How often we use it and how we deal with it afterwords probably has a greater impact on our kids than the heat of the moment yell. The Times article did what media does - created hype around a topic in order to boost readership. We never intended to be part of something that would bring up more feelings of disappointment or guilt for parents. If this was your reaction, we apologize. It was never our intention to hurt you and we hope you will allow us this do over.

By the way, my cousin sent me a hard copy of the article which actually appeared in print. While the content was the same, interestingly enough the title was different: Shout if You're Against Spanking. I wonder, if the piece online had been similarly titled would parents have felt as dumped on by the experts interviewed for the piece? In the article, it appears experts were raising their hands to say, "Yes, I am against it." The response from parents certainly could have been, "Fine, but I'm not." Looks like The Times may have been in need for a do over too folks.