The Jon & Kate Effect

Years ago when I had my first job as a clinical social worker, my supervisor asked me to facilitate a "Divorce Recovery Group" for elementary school students. I flat out told him, "I am happy to faciliate a "Dealing With Divorce" group, but a "Divorce Recovery" group is out of the question. Children do not recover from divorce, they aren't able to go on to another relationship in quite the same way as adults. In fact, they can't. Their parents will always be their parents." I remember he kind of stared at me. Then I said, "Look, parents don't divorce, husbands and wives do. It's not the parent relationship that is breaking apart, it is the marriage." Then the light bulb illuminated and he got it. So "Dealing With Divorce" was put on the schedule.

My own parents divorced when I was 4 and when they did, they told me they both loved me very much but the two of them were not happy. Wasn't a shocker, I knew. When the main communication between two people is yelling, it's sort of obvious. I've always respected my parents for uniting together as parents to tell me they were splitting up as husband and wife. I strongly believe in doing so the take-away I got as a kid was "It's not your fault. It's not a kid thing, it's an adult thing. You are loved, we will take care of you together even if we live apart." And they stuck to that for the most part. Of course there were times when they would argue about visitation or child support, goes with the territory and I'm not going to minimize that fact at all. Very few divorces have precious little bunnies as a mascot. Fortunately the aftermath of my parents' divorce was not devastating to me. I'm very fortunate.

When a couple falls in love it's like the rest of the world falls away and there are only two people making goo-goo eyes at each other and planning their future. No doubt we all have stories of either being in love and neglecting our friends/family or having the experience of being set to the side by a friend who now only spends 24/7 thinking and being with their soon-to-be other half. As wonderful as being in love is, it is also a somewhat selfish period for many people. Usually once the relationship is established and a resolution of how/if it will continue has been made, the couple's world reopens and suddenly they look up and realized "Oh wow. We've got other people in our life." And with that, they may have some fences to mend and often those whom have been woefully neglected understand and respond "Will attend" when the wedding invitation appears in their mailbox.

In my opinion splitting in many ways mimics being in love. Only it's akin to the photo negative of it. I think this is why adults who are divorcing often lose sight of what's going on with their children during the break up. It's not because they don't care or are ignoring the kids, but in most situations the falling in love and getting married happened before the kids came along, so the break-up of that marriage sort of sends the couple back to a time when they didn't have to consider the effect of their relationship on anyone else. I mean, how many of us really watch a couple falling in love and wonder, "What's going to happen to me?" But in divorce, that question is continually present in the minds of most people who are within the circle of a family experiencing a divorce. Especially the kids.

So now we've got Jon & Kate on TV. On the one hand it gives us all a birds eye view on what it looks like when a marriage ends. On the other hand their children will eventually be old enough to see re-runs, if they haven't already seen some of this already. Is it a PR stunt? I hope not. Will this husband and wife actually divorce? I don't know. Will there be reconciliation? I suppose anything is possible. What won't change is the effect this public airing of a private decision will have on their own kids, and also ours. And it doesn't have to be all "bad".

The good that comes out of it is it opens the door to have conversations about divorce. If it's not happening in our own family, statistics definitely support our kids have friends who are dealing with it. While there is a lot written about the importance of having a support system for adults going through a divorce, I haven't seen as much emphasis written about how we can help children support other children who are dealing with divorce.

If kids have questions, especially if they hear adults talking. Answer them truthfully but you don't have to dig up the Guidelines for Child Support and go over them. Here are some ideas of how you can help your kids if you know one of their friends or family members is divorcing. Feel free to add your own in the comments:

1. It's enough to answer, "Will my friend have to move away?" with something along the lines of, "As far as I know, your friend will still live in the same house, but there is a possibility they could move to a smaller one or an apartment. Sometimes that happens. But living in the car? Probably not."

2. Talk about divorce. This is an excellent opportunity to discuss a tough topic under the umbrella of what you want your kids to learn from you, your faith community or your own life experience. Kids do wonder why mom or dad has a stepmother or stepfather, so this is also a way of introducing the idea of what a blended family is to your kids.

3. If your own marriage is in a rocky place, or even if you've just been disagreeing recently, don't be too surprised if your child connects the dots and asks if you are going to divorce. You might want to prepare yourself a bit so that question doesn't throw you completely. More than anything children want to know what will happen to THEM, not YOU. So try to focus on giving them assurances they will be loved, provided for.

4. Keep trash talk contained if the kids are close by. I used to have a supervisor who referred to it as " Remember you are standing in a corn field and there are small ears growing everywhere." Not only will this prevent the airing of your personal opinions on the school playground it will also serve to keep your child in a neutral zone, keeping them out of the war zone which may be going on in the adult world.

5. Be open about the increased need to be a compassionate friend and that can't be understated. On the inside, children are intuitive creatures, even if they may not always demonstrate it on the outside. Kids are really like horses, they sense things. Definitely mention their friend might be going through a bunch of emotions; grumpy, impatient, easily distracted, clingy, sad, tearful, etc. Let kids know these feelings can change from day to day and even minute to minute and to cut their friend some slack and give them some extra wiggle room to be a bit more moody for a while.

6. While the above is helpful for being a friend, keep in mind your child doesn't have to become an emotional doormat for anyone else either. Give your child a couple of empowering, yet sympathetic, phrases they can use if they are feeling somewhat overwhelmed by a friend's demands for attention or need to lash out at someone else, even if unintentional. Phrases like:

I'm your friend. Please be nice to me.- simple statement. Probably says it all.
Even if we aren't getting along right now, I'm your friend. - better for an older kid.
I think it's time for me to go home. -no need to elaborate as to why.

Divorce isn't easy. Certainly Jon & Kate's kids are in for a tough time. Their parents may not be as emotionally available to them, so there is need for others to be compassionate, even in the blogosphere and especially in the media outlets. The married couple divorcing has chosen to live it out, at least until now, on TV but this doesn't mean a legacy should be left for their children which includes googling their television show and happening upon all sorts of terrible things written about their parents, or even themselves. Yes these folks are famous, but it was no more the choice of these children to have this drama played out in the public eye as it was for these kids to choose who their parents would wind up marrying.

I think as parents this public break up of a marriage serves to remind all of us,that regardless of how famous this family has become or what measurement stick we use, the impact of two grown-ups divorcing isn't all that different than if they had never been on TV at all. To Gosselin's children-who never made any of the arrangements; be it the signing of a TV contract or the signing of a marriage license-this isn't reality TV...it's reality.