Happy New Year! Ring It In By Letting Yourself Go

Last week my younger son was going through a bin of old photos. You probably have a similar box or bin, it's the one filled with the pictures you swear you will some day label and organize.  Every time I see the bin I feel like crap. I've even gone so far as to hide the bin way in the back of a closet so I can purposefully keep it out of sight and out of mind.  I hated being reminded of what I considered a failed New Years resolution..


Not only had I spent years resolving to organize the photos, I'd spent years not organizing the photos and feeling immense guilt.  The guilt was so terrible I would stick my fingers in my ears and do the 'lalalalalalala I can't hear you!" if anyone mentioned the "S Word" i.e. scrapbooking. And forget about going to one of those Creative Memory parties. My anxiety was so bad that when I heard the words "Acid Free" I silently contemplated if an "Acid Trip" might not somehow work out better for me. And I've never dropped acid. Ever.


As they used to say in the 70's, "Man, this wasn't a good scene." So you can imagine how lousy I felt when my son dragged out the bin. I felt the guilt bubble up as I looked down at the piles of pictures.  But then something happened and everything changed. My son began taking out the pictures and asking me about who was in them, when the photo was shot, which camera had been used, and who had taken the picture. As I started to tell him about family members and our friends, sharing with him the life happening through the lense so to speak, I realized I no longer had to feel guilty about not organizing the pictures. It was okay.  In fact it was even better than okay.


I concluded it was a good thing I had repeatedly blown my New Years resolution.  As a direct result of my actions (or really my lack of them) my son and I spent a couple of hours looking through the bin and talking together. No way in hell would that have happened the same way had all the pictures been perfectly organized and catalogued.


Do you have a guilt you've been carrying over with you from year to year? This is the year to just let it go.

If giving is better than receiving, why do we worry so much about what we give?

When I was trying to figure out whether or not I should get my 13 year old son "Call of Duty" I went and looked up what experts, parents and even kids had to say about the game. Yes, I realize I am an "expert" but that doesn't mean I don't have to make my own parenting decisions. Having penned a parenting book does not mean I am any less immune to the pressure my 14 and 9 year old apply when they hear about a new video game or toy. Despite evidence to the contrary, they both clearly think I will crack, run to Target and slam my coin on the counter in order to get them the latest and greatest thing their best friend's cousin's brother just got.

To that I say to you, no effing way. I'm going to make informed decisions, not extorted ones!

I'm not going to give into the gimmes. Everyone will get gifts, but on our terms. Over the years I have witnessed many the parent reluctantly purchasing toys and games they hate. Maybe it's the loud obnoxious electronic book where you press a button to hear a something that is supposed to sound like a car horn, but sounds more like a foghorn. The purchase of Pink kitchen's seem to bring on pained expressions and violent video games may furrow the brows yet wind up being ferried home anyway.

Does this mean parents are doing the wrong thing when we buy this crap we don't like? Not necessarily. Consider asking yourself some questions to help decide if the purchase makes sense for your family;

Is it age appropriate? If not, is my child mature enough for it anyway?

How many of their friends really have it? Ask around to the other parents. You may discover not "everyone has it" and your child may not be "the only one in whole the entire world "who is experiencing the deprivation.

Can you afford it? Seriously. If not, consider it as an item for a wish list and teach your child the art of saving up to purchase big ticket items.

Will it add, detract or have no impact on your family life. This may not be obvious until you actually own the item, but it may be a selling point if you think about it right now.

When in doubt, wait it out. If you are unsure of a purchase, maybe you can wait a day or two. If the item is in limited quantity, or you are worried the price may rise, maybe you can buy it, hide it away and do some more research. If you figure out the purchase wasn't necessary, return the item.

Keep in mind memories often fade over time, but if your child has asked for the same gift for a long time, this may mean it actually means something to them. Even if you think the toy is silly or won't last long, it might still be worth getting anyway. Think about your toys as a kid, what do you recall being your favorite?

Which is a great segue into...

Everything old can be new again. Don't shy away from traditional toys or vintage stuff. The classics became classics for a reason. You will never sell me on the new Fisher Price Barn, I want the old wooden one that moos. Definitely. Maybe your kids would like some of that stuff too. Hunt around on Ebay or Craiglslist, hit yard sales too. Ask friends if their kids have outgrown stuff. Maybe they will trade or sell?

Giving gifts has become yet another mechanism for parents to second guess ourselves, but it doesn't have to be. Give yourself the gift careful consideration and if you find you made a mistake, then re-gift yourself with a big package of relief knowing gift receipts exist for a reason!

Guilt: What's a holiday without this special gift?

For many people, gifting this year is different. Maybe it's because economics have taken their toll, maybe you've gone green, maybe you just want to stop the retail madness and define the holiday differently. Who would think making changes would be guilt-inducing? But they can be, so let's take a look at some possible ways to deal with guilt, such as let it go or having the guilt guide you toward creating some wonderful holiday memories.

1. Any gift is a good gift. Remember the old adage "You'll get nothing and like it?" Well, if someone is getting a gift from you, then you've already gone above and beyond according to that adage.

2. Rock it old school when it comes to spending time with your loved ones. Lots of children like hearing "Way back when" stories of your childhood, their childhood, their grandparents childhoods. So why not bring some of those experiences back during the holiday season? Try making a short family movie, or dig out family photos and have a caption contest. Maybe you can encourage everyone to write (or for smaller kids dictate) a favorite holiday memory and make copies to send home with everyone.

3. If you are having a Staycation, be tourists in your own town. Look up sites to see and go see them. If you are visiting family, share some of your favorite hometown places with your kids.

4. Here's an article Aviva and I were interviewed for in Baltimore's Child Magazine about dealing with special circumstances that arise with combining special needs kids and special holiday celebrations. (However, the info is definitely applicable to any family, not just those with a extraordinary child.)

5. Take a look at what Di has to say about Mommy Guilt and resolutions.

Now consider what would make your holiday less stressful or guilt-inducing. Really. Consider it.

We'll wait.

Ready?

I'll begin the conversation by saying in our house we put a holiday recipe book in front of our kids and said "You pick em and you make em. We'll help."