Months ago when Ilisa Cohen, a Senior Editor at Working Mother Magazine, contacted us and requested an interview.  Ilisa had no idea we seriously considered turning her down.  Not because we don’t like being interviewed, if you’ve ever met Aviva and me  you know we both love to talk. About anything. Really. Anything. Need proof? Here….

Are we afraid of being misquoted? Nah. Misquotes can always be corrected. Not a deal breaker by any means. The reason we hesitated is we’ve been vocal regarding our lack of confidence in the “Best Company” lists Working Mother Magazine publishes annually.   We’ve never thought more than a handful of companies listed in the 100 actually belong on those lists.  While there are a few diamonds in mud, a majority of the companies on the list aren’t really “Best” at all. The question we asked of ourselves was, “Would it be hypocritical for us to contribute our commentary for an article being published in Working Mother Magazine?”

After careful consideration, we decided to accept the interview.  The way we came to this decision is the topic was guilt, not family/work policy(and yes, if you noticed we are putting family in front of work, instead of the other way around and it is intentional on our part).  It was our hope the article could help alleviate guilt for Working Mother Magazine readers.

The front cover announces, “Never feel Guilty again!” Attention grabbing yes, true? Probably not. Unproductive guilt is an emotional vampire, it’s the sort of guilt we experience that sucks the joy out of parenthood. And yes, we agree that is the sort of guilt we don’t need to keep around and entertain. However, we’ve always maintained  guilt is a valid emotion and is productive when is serves to remind us to get back on track  if we’ve really gone off the rails.  And who amongst us doesn’t make a mistake? Regardless if you ever feel guilty or not, it’s more than likely we can all agree–Nobody is perfect. Period.

The article is online,“The Anatomy of Guilt.” We would love for you to take a look at it and come back here for discussion.

Discussion:

While the article is well-written and well-sourced, we had expected the article to dig a bit deeper.  The time honored tradition of quoting experts  advising stressed out parents to “Just take a break” plays into the oversimplification of what it actually takes to decrease an incredibly active guilt-o-meter. What is missing from the piece, and really almost every article written on the topic of guilt, are the practical suggestions for how to take a break. Again, to be  fair, this isn’t a problem unique to the Working Mother Magazine article.  It happens a lot. In parenting classes, in family/work programs, in wellness workshops. You name it, someone is saying “Just give yourself a break” or “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

And what happens if you don’t have any practical suggestions for doing either of those things? Gee, let’s guess? You feel even worse and even guiltier as you consider, “I just can’t take a break right now” or “I can’t afford a baby sitter” or “Why can’t I just stop being so hard on myself?”  See how it goes?  While “Just give yourself a break” and ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself” are offered as a way to reassure and give parents permission to ease up on themselves, it’s not the same thing as offering concrete ideas to parents who are stressed out and feeling like crap or have situations beyond their control they cannot help, such as having to work like a dog at their job (or even two jobs!) to afford three hots and a cot for their family.

Let’s come together as a community and talk about reality, how do we “take a break,” what will it take for us to “stop being so hard on ourselves?”

We’ll start it rolling with a few of our ideas, and some we’ve picked up from other places. We’d like you to continue the conversation in the comments.

• Can’t afford a baby sitter?  Elmo Sex.

• Do your research. Check out competing companies and see if they have any family/work policies your own company might be able to adapt. If you walk into your supervisor’s office and say “Look what they are doing. Maybe we could do it too?” You might find your boss might actually go for it. If you don’t get a full “Green light GO!”, suggest trying it out for a trial period. If you never ask, how will you ever know if the possibility exists?
• Are you overly connected? Disconnected? Get a grip on your PDA, Computer or Cell phone use.
• Take pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard. Make a list of whatever is weighing on your mind. Is it not enough time with the kids? Bills piling up? Too much fast-food eating? Whatever it is write it down. Then separate the items into two columns, “I can control this” or “Not up to me.”  This process will allow you to actively consider where you are spending your emotional energy and if it’s being wasted or not.
• Are you too self-critical? Snap out of it. Literally.  Wear a rubberband on your wrist and whenever you catch yourself with a negative thought, give the rubber band a little  snap.  (Devra used this method to stop biting her nails– as an adult!)

Now it’s your turn. Discuss the article, guilt inducing situations, suggestions to alleviate guilt…GO!